The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: To Puke or Not to Puke?

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Open up your kitchen garbage bag and scatter the trash all over your couch; grab a 6-pack of Zima, a small bottle of Chambord, and a huge plastic crazy straw; and spray yourself with a mix of your 1988 free samples of Exclamation and Drakkar Noir because it’s time to recap that absolute piss out of The Real Housewives of New Jersey!  If I had a cowbell, I would ring it.  Let’s go!

  • We kick things off with Jacqueline making puffy paint polo shirts with her son CJ, because that makes sense, and she’s talking to him about how it makes him feel when she and her oldest daughter fight.  It’s like an awkward therapy session.  I’m waiting for her to bring out a doll and have to say, “point to where the bad man touched you.”  Too far?  Who cares, it’s starting off boring so I need to trash things up.
  • As Danielle gets home from what I can only assume is spreading crazy all over the neighborhood, she sees some flowers on her doorstep from Jacqueline to her oldest daughter.  She consults her youngest daughter to see if she should call Jacqueline to thank her for the roses.  Seriously, her daughter looks at Danielle like she can “catch crazy” just by sitting at the kitchen table and talking to her, which I’m pretty sure you can.  I’m catching crazy and I’m on the other side of the television.

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  • Well we’re 2 minutes into the crapisode so it only makes sense that Danielle goes all 6’s and 7’s.  She calls Jacqueline to thank her for the flowers and leaves her a message.  Then she hangs up.  Then she calls her back to leave another message, but this one is a nastier message telling her that she thought she was her own woman and that she’s tried to make this friendship work so it’s now up to her and blah blah get the white van and net because Danielle should take an all expense paid trip to the mental hospital where, most likely, I’ll be seeing her there.
  • When did Dina turn into a snoozefest?
  • Caroline Manzo and her “boys regular” haircut head over to Jacqueline’s house to chat it up.  I’m definitely lapsing into a coma when they’re talking but then I come to when they keep on saying things like, “Did Danielle ever celebrate the birth of your baby” and “Danielle wants everyone to celebrate her daughters modeling job.”  Who celebrates that much and why do they keep saying the word “celebrate?”  I want to celebrate the old episodes of Jersey Housewives when the show was actually good.

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  • Now is Danielle’s daughter, Christine, actually going to kill Danielle?  No really.  Is she?  She is, huh?  As the whole family sits on the bed, Christine shoots Danielle so many evil looks that I’m not even convinced she’s petting a real cat.  It’s probably a faux stuffed animal and she’ll quickly remove the head to show a gun hiding in the body and just start shooting the place up.  Ugh, start shooting me first for even caring.

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  • Cristine does not think that her younger sister looks like her at all and the younger sister looks like she’s about 2 episodes away from Googling, “Divorcing family when you’re under the age of 18.”  They talk about her freckles, her lips, her hair color, etc.  If anyone wanted to know the exact moment where this poor little girl lost all of her self esteem and will more than likely develop some type of eating disorder, this is it.  Mark your Tivo’s.

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  • Meanwhile, Teresa brings her kids to go shopping at some boutique store that looks like it’s in the parking lot of a 7-11.  Then again, this is Jersey, where everything looks like it’s in the parking lot of a 7-11.  The kids are being brats, which I guess is normal for their age (stop sending me hate mail) and if they’re not knocking sh*t off the shelves and throwing tantrums, they’re demanding that their mother buy them everything in their hands…which she does, for a total of almost $2,000.  It’s ok, they were well behaved.  They deserved it.  One of the workers looks so disgusted that I’m almost positive that during her 15 minute break she went over to Walgreens to pick up a Nuva-ring, a 6-month supply of birth control pills, 2 boxes of the morning after pill, all the condoms she can fit into her shopping basket, and 2 bottles of extra strength bleach…just in case.

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  • Seriously, Dina?  Seriously?  Dina invites over “Zen Jen” to help her deal with the Danielle situation.  This show is starting to piss me off.  I just flipped over my coffee table and pretended that Teresa did it.  Then I opened my window and yelled, “I am paying attention.  Don’t tell me to pay attention because she don’t know who the F she’s F’n with.  Thank you.   Thank you.  Thank you.”
  • Dina let’s us know that she feels bad that Danielle was abused as a child, but she doesn’t need to be mean about it.  She then let’s us know that Oprah was abused and she’s not mean.  Well if Oprah did it….

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  • In “more random people showing up at Danielle’s house so she has someone to talk to” news, her realtor comes over to fill her in on her discussion with Danielle’s ex-husband about giving Danielle money to fix her 21 room house.  Yeah, he’s not giving her any money.  So Danielle decides to take her house off the market.  Yawn.
  • Teresa decides to have Caroline over for dinner the night before Gia is going to walk in the NYC Fashion Week which, to be honest, I’m sick of hearing about.  Teresa makes dinner and has to wait for her husband, Joe, to get home from work, which doesn’t happen until 8pm.  She makes her daughters wait to eat and they look like they’re ready to burn the house down.  She says they’re “old fashion” which is kind of sweet, until she then lets us know that they have sex every day and sometimes twice a day.  Seriously enough.  Now I have this mental image of Teresa banging a Smurf and screaming “fabulous” for the full 15 seconds.  It takes 15 seconds for everyone, right?  Right?  Riiiiight?

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  • The next day Teresa and Joe are driving Gia to her fashion week show.  Everyone is surprised when Gia has a meltdown in the car and starts crying after her father, Joe, calls her ugly and says she’ll have to walk down the ugly runway for ugly people.  I actually have no idea what that means, but Gia apparently cracked his “joke code” and is very upset by this.  As she’s crying in the back seat we get to hear Joe say, “she looks so retarded when she does that.”  Nice.  It was a stab at the gays last season, the Jewish people in the 1st episode, and now we’re hitting tilt on the “politically-incorrect-o-meter” by actually saying “retarded” on television.  I can’t wait for the reunion show when Teresa tries to explain this away.  Smurf.

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  • Meanwhile, Danielle is taking her daughter, Christine, to ING model agency to have someone teach her how to walk.  This person is called a “walking coach” and, yes, this person really does exist.  Who knew?  Christine looks like she has no desire to be there and perhaps it’s because her mother is standing there like a lunatic stage mom thinking of ways to save her house from foreclosure with every step that her daughter takes.  In the end, Christine gets pissed off from all of her “walking practice” and decides to call it a day.  At one point I’m pretty sure she tried to headbutt Danielle…and I’m not kidding.  I actually took a cue from her and headbutted my TV to make all this just go away.
  • Well it’s finally here.  Fashion Week!  I’m excited because we’re getting closer to never having to hear about this again.  Christine is backstage and starving before the fashion show so it only makes sense that she grabs two slices of fruit.  Mmmmm filling!  Meanwhile Gia is getting read to walk as well.  Teresa sees Danielle’s daughter on the cover of that random fashion magazine and shows Gia.  To my surprise Teresa was actually nice about it.  She must be ready to give birth any second and is making “nice” bargains with God.
  • Gia walks down the runway and everyone is so proud.  Teresa claps, Caroline squeals with delight, and Jacqueline starts to cry.  Oddly enough I’m doing all those things, but that’s just a normal reaction I have when I punch myself in the nuts, repeatedly, during this episode.  Clapping, squeals, crying.  Repeat as needed.

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  • It’s now time for Danielle’s daughter to walk the runway and she does it.  Walks.  She walks and that’s a good thing when you’re in a fashion show.  That’s how that works.  However.  In the end.  Uh, yeah.  Christine has to stand for 25 minutes after people walk around her and look at her…kind of like a zoo animal.  I actually feel bad for her at this point because she is literally pushing vomit back into her mouth as she is standing there and sweating.  She has that look of panic all over her face, that we’ve all had when we’ve been in a situation where he have to vomit in an inappropriate place.  For me, it’s usually in a bar, but that’s besides the point.  In the end, Christine has to be walked off stage so that she doesn’t pass out.  Look, I know I’m a complete Doucheasaurus Rex, but I did feel bad for her.  She seemed mortified and especially because she’s only 15 I get it.  She did fine.  And if her “friends” in school make fun of her they’re just jealous.  Also, I’m sure she has to take more sh*t about what Danielle, her mother, does than this fashion show thing.

How come the crapisodes that I decide to recap always suck?  Well, like a homeless man at a soup kitchen, I’ll be back next week whether you like it or not.

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