RHONJ Recap: With Special Guests, Faith Evans and Biggie Smalls’ Mother

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I have to admit I’m kind of pissed that we’re two episodes into RHONJ and no one has talked about the “jokes” from Teresa’s cookbook.  It’s strange because I’m sure to incorporate those jokes into my everyday life so I’m not quite sure why they don’t.  Either way, one thing is for sure Gia (z-snap) is ready to put herself up for adoption.  She pretty much has the 12 year old personality of the way you used to act when the “camcorder” was on you at your aunt’s wedding circa 1989.  To sum up, even as the words are coming out of your mouth you’re already embarrassed by your actions.  All the Guidicelli triplets are busy making cards for Captain Nono because he is too tired to do the breathing.  Per usual, I was praying to Christopher Columbus Claus that someone was writing in his “Get Well” card something poetic like, “Congratulations on your redone heart.”  And then, of course, pie him in the face with a Sprinkles Cookie-Cake….unless he has a peanut allergy, which is always why you ask someone first before you pie them.  Always.  Even though Captain Nono is getting a pacemaker, Milania (genuflect) is playing her own version of  Mad Libbs by filling in Teresa’s blank that he’s actually going to die.  Welp, “he dies” must be the Peewee Herman Secret Word of the Day (or PHSWOTD as “no one” calls it) because Gia gets all Cagney and Lacey on Milania’s ass and demands that she never says anything like that again or she’ll make her do back-flips with drunken daddy on the marble floor until at least 2 teeth are busted directly out of her facia bruta.  I may have lost something in the translation.

Is it wrong to say that I miss the Caroline from Season 1 who weighed about a good buck 90 and had the same exact hairstyle as Ma’am Papadopolis?  Something tells me that before this show ever started she was strolling around the Franklin Lakes mall sporting a BUM Equipment sweatshirt (husky) and eating Cinnabon.  And you know what?  That. Is. Alright. With. Me.  Since we can’t have that, however, we can have the Caroline that spent last season calling her daughter a little piglet that now calls her thinner daughter “a big b*tch ever since she lost the weight.”  I mean, bravo.  Literally.  It’s a no wonder Daughter Manzo isn’t hanging out at the McDonald’s in Times Square with Amanda Bynes.  As a side, I can’t get enough Bynes.  People are like, “Aww but she has a mental disorder” and I’m all like, “Yeah and that’s awesome.  Plus, you shouldn’t discriminate against those with a case of the “mind doodles” so I choose to tee off on them like I would anyone else.”  That seems like a long quote, but I tend to say that word for word whenever I get called out for Tweeting Amanda Bynes on the regular.  Speaking of which, click here to follow me on Twitter and whilst you’re at it friend me on Facebook here.  That, my friends, is what Hollywood calls “a plug.”  You’re welcome.

Any5150, Caroline decides to text Teresa so that they can get together and talk about why she and her brother aren’t bumping uglies these days.  I guess that’s a step up from having to hear about Hoboken of BLK water.  Both, in theory, are terrible ideas.  Meanwhile, Kathie and her new nose, which is Italian perfection, is taking her son’s teeth to learn how to drive.  All the while Richie/Saul is in the back seat tossing out sex jokes every 3rd beat.  Teeth is all trying to impress the ladies and Kathie looks like she almost wishes she followed Rosie around more in her youth and maybe she wouldn’t have to be in this mess at all.  At one point Richie is telling Teeth that chicks love it when a guy drives stick-shift because once you get to 4th gear you’re hand is practically on their thigh. Ohhh la la, Richie!  I mean, grow a pair.  I’m sure your son as already Tweeted a picture of his balls to his 4th grade gym teacher, as has your daughter.  And, yes, I’m talking about her balls as well.  Plus, I love how Richie makes it seem so hot that he gets to bang Kathie.  I mean, she’s not the worst but we’ve all seen her mom.  So the next time you want to brag, Richie, just know that in about 15 more years you’re doing Sophia Petrillo.  Annnnnd fade to black…

This season we’re going to have to watch a lot of scenes that center around Jacqueline and her son, who is newly diagnosed with autism.  Now, I think this is a great platform to educate, get the word out there, and help people.  I really do.  For real.  But, even I’m not going to make jokes about any of this.  I was a little nervous about how I would tackle all of this….and that was until the scene where Doozer kicks off the conversation with Chris about how old he is and if his dinky-ding-dong still gets hard.  I’m not joking.  That conversation actually took place.  It then seamlessly transitioned into an autism diagnosis.  Somewhere Jenny McCarthy is rolling over in her grave.  I think.  Eh, just checked and she’s still alive.  But she may still be rolling.  Anyone know her?  Speaking of older women who still feel the need to have long blonde extensions, it was nice to see Kim D again.  She’s randomly with Teresa walking outside a hospital so that can only mean one thing:  She’s already sending out invites to the Posh fashion show?  Oh I was wrong.  She’s there just to make sure Teresa can read the text message from Caroline asking her to meet “to talk.”  Is is just me or can you not look at Kim D without thinking of that random bald dude saying, “Melissa?  You remember, right?”  Just me?  Cool.  Or as Kelly Clarkson would still say, “Cool beans.”  Those were great folders.  Really kept me organized.

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Sometimes I noticed myself completely zoning out during this show.  I know, hard to believe.  It’s all so riveting.  It’s actually pretty fun though because when you come to (which is much different than saying “come too”…I found out the hard way) you find yourself trying to figure out what in the holy mortadel hell is going on.  This time around I came to when Barney Rubble was reading documents with a magnifying glass.  He tried to say it was “business” but who’s kidding who?  He clearly was playing Clue with the daughter who talks like one of the members of the Lollipop Guild.  And, at the same time Teresa, for reasons that are not made clear to any of us, starts rattling off “stats” about how when girls get their period guys around them don’t like to drink red wine because it’s like they’re drinking their period and they go into a “trans.”  Oh, and she pronounced it “tranz.”  And more oh, she then starts laughing and saying that Melissa must have got her period and her brother went down on her and got himself into a “tranz.”  I’m sorry, what in the hell am I watching?  Is these even a television show?  Remember when you had to have actual talent to be on TV?  Somewhere Lucille Ball is rolling over in her grave…and lighting up a cigarette because, well, that worked out well for her.  You’ve just been infected by Truth.

Meanwhile, Doozer and the poor mans J Lo are having an open house(ish) so they can unload the giant marble ball that they live in.  They’re all pissed off because they think the house is worth $6 million, but the realtor is letting them know it’s only worth around $3.8.  I say sell it at Best Offer because at the end of the day you still live in Jersey.  I thought this would have been boring, but suddenly a new realtor comes to show the house.  I was as shocked as you to find Faith Evans showing Biggie Smalls’ mother the house.  Faith was like a shark…meaning she had multiple sets of teeth, most of which were located on the bottom half.  She’s showing Mrs. Smalls around the house and suddenly everything is wrong.  She doesn’t love the keyhole windows and is appalled that the bathroom sink faucet handle came right off.  I was appalled that they then used their hands to literally tear away pieces of the vanity and then shutter when it was wood underneath all that “granite.”  It was like the witch’s house made out of candy in Hansel and Gretel.  As a sidenote, did anyone notice that during Melissa’s one-0n-one interviews she matches the railing going up her staircase?  Lisa Vanderpump does it with flowers, but in dirty Jerz you do it with building materials.  And something tells me after the whole bathroom sink debacle, that railing is probably made out of black licorice.  In actual J Lo’s house her spindles are made out of former back-up dancers.  #That’sTheDifference  #WaitingForTonight  #Ohhhh  #HashtagsAreNeverNotFunny  #AndItWasntNotFunny

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Later “that night” it’s a poker party at Jacqueline’s house.  What fun.  The brothers Manzo show up and I immediately give my DVR the finger.  Then I quickly give it a flower apology when Rosie enters my screen.  The only thing missing was Milania sitting on top of Rosie’s shoulders chicken-fighting the brothers Manzo.  Similar to the 1950’s all the women stay up in the kitchen and all the men head downstairs to play poker.  I, of course, was like…where is Rosie going?  She’s playing poker and dressed like George Burns and all is right with the world.  One of the Manzo brothers (the one who has the father’s hair) starts asking Rosie if she likes boobs or bum and then why she’s never been with a dude before.  She should have asked him why he has.  Rosie rules, per usual, and even answers some questions dealing with strap-ons.  Spoiler Alert:  She kicks out any woman who dares to play “Penis, Penis, Where Can I Put This Penis?”  Rosie is strictly two things:  Left-Handed Scissors and Motorboats.  Also, I’m digging her new Mr. Potato Head hair she’s rocking.  She was just missing the red purse and green shoes, but maybe next week.  Also, why Bravo is giving Tamra Barney her own spin-off and not Rosie is an actual crime.  Punishable by law.  It could be a dating show and, I don’t know, called something like “Lickin’ For Love.”  I mean, I’m just spit-ballin’ here.

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In the end it was really the moment we’ve all be faux-wating for.  Teresa meets up with Caroline at what I’m pretty sure is the same place that Caroline met up with Danielle Staub in seasons past to call her a clown.  I believe the establishment is called Ho Ho Cakes.  Like, for real.  The conversation was pretty tame…and pretty heavily edited.  My guess is that the producers would stand behind Caroline and hold up pictures of Teresa’s kids being kidnapped and then just tape her reaction.  I’d only be bummed if they took Milania.  The rest I would sell for positive Amazon.com cookbook reviews.  Caroline is doing her best to stay relevant and bring Doozer and Tre back together.  I have to admit Teresa actually seemed like she was comprehending what was going on and only really deflected the story around 2-5 times.  So, as we say in America, she’s making progress.  Per usual, however, Teresa is the victim and everyone needs to apologize to her if they “ever want to be a family.”  Seriously, get a new family because this one sucks.  Plus, no one is over 5’2″ allegedly.  I do have to say that I find Caroline a little more likable this season as she is at least owning what a train wreck she can be and how it’s a shame that she can’t fix things with her own sister, Dina.  My favorite parts, however, are when Caroline starts yell-talking in one word sentences to the tune of The Farmer and Adelle.   For example:  Do. Not. Let. Your. Father. Die. With. His. Kids. Not. Talking.  As this is happening I’m swaying my heads over my head and chanting, “The farmer takes a wife, the farmer takes a wife, hi ho the derrio (?) the farmer takes a wife.”  And you know what?  The cheese stands alone.  Let that be a lesson to you, Teressa.

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