RHONJ Recap: When Ellen Met Rosie

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It’s amazing how quickly you can get bored when people aren’t throwing punches and rubbing their shoe polished head all over the place.  It’s week 2 of the New Jersey Peace Treaty and I’m not entirely sure what this crapisode was about.  One thing I do know for sure is that Sizzle Tans has an advertising budget of about $4.25.  If you recall from yesteryear, Teresa put her modeling and acting hat on and did a little commercial work for Sizzle Tans.  Now, in present day times, they’ve reached out to Doozer so that he can take off his shirt and appear on a real live billboard.  I’m not sure why they’re so excited about this as most billboards I see are for missing children or unsolved murders.  So, either way, take a hint.  Winkity-wink-wink.  Melissa will be turning down working with her husband on the “campaign” because she’s too busy with her own “modeling shoot” for her upcoming book titled, “How Teresa and My Dead Dad Made Me Famous.”  Melissa is super pumped about using the industrial sized fan for her shoot so that when she trots down the stairs her hair extensions can blow in the wind and really extenuate that gorgeous chin of hers.  Basically it looks like what would happen if Stephanie Tanner had a tan and tried her hand at modeling (assuming Mr. Bear signed her waiver).  Why anyone would buy this book on purpose is beyond me, but God Bless (kisses to the sky).  Actually, I want to know the people who buy this book.  Like, send me your name because I’m going to see if the government can add you to their “watch list.”

Meanwhile, Rosie is tired of being lonely and so Kathie, Richie, Richie’s Sally Jesse Raphael glasses, Melissa, and Doozer all head out to a lesbian bar in SoHo.  For those of you not from NYC and not familiar with SoHo, it stands for “Scissors Out, Ho’s Out.”  I’m sure if you look it up in an atlas or the like you’ll see I’m right.  At this point I think it’s safe to say that Rosie is getting more air time than anyone else on this show and that’s just fine with me.  The fact that she’s sporting a Mr. Furley silk shirt and a Bobby Brady standard haircut is of no bother to me.  I’m just psyched for Rosie overall.  In fact, I’d be psyched for Rosie in overalls.  See what I did there?  Me either.  Rosie doesn’t want to be 45 and single so she’s ready to toss back a few drinks and start mingling.  After meeting up with some swingers and the like and not wanting to be DTF (thanks Jersey Shore kids!)  she narrows in on one lesbot who’s sitting and sucking down Tequila like it’s her job.  It was like the stars were aligned because this chick’s name was Ellen.  For real.  Rosie met Ellen.  Why not just have them move in together after this drink and we’ll cross off all the stereotypes we can in one shot.  Sadly, Rosie is bombing at making small talk.  At one point she’s talking about fried green tomato recipes and next thing you know she says, “Yeah, so what, I’m a little chunky.”  Ellen looked like she was scared for her life.  Also, Ellen didn’t look like she was funny at all and I’m pretty sure all woman named Ellen are lesbians and, by law, have to be funny.  No really, it’s a thing.  I think Rosie missed the boat during her conversation by not bringing up her vagina not even once.  Unless they just edited it out?  Most likely.  And the fact that none of the lesbians in the bar didn’t have Crayola scissors hanging from their neck like a necklace is really a missed opportunity.  And who’s not shocked that Richie didn’t take out his ding-dong right there in the bar and try to convert a few?  I’m sure the swingers would have taken him home to, you know, gel his hair and put some chapstick on those Level III lips.  Unfortunately, Ellen didn’t go home with Rosie but Rosie thinks that at the least they’ll just be great friends…you know…like the “great friends” you all make when you’re 3 sheets to the wind at the bar and talk to someone about absolute crap for 30 minutes until they just get up an leave.  You know, just like that.

In the “I Can’t” portion of this recap, we had way too much of the Brother’s Manzo.  Everyone is pretty much throwing a b*tch fit because still years later no one wants to drink black water or eat at a place in Hoboken that serves circle grilled cheese.  They shouldn’t feel like failures.  I mean, just because Teresa can sell multiple brands of crap on the regular and they can’t, they shouldn’t feel inferior.  At one point in order for Albie to get the spotlight off of him and the fact that he’s in his late 20’s and pretty much hasn’t had an actual job that wasn’t established due to his mom being on a reality show, he decides to turn the tables on Caroline and let her know that he’s worried about her and the dad because he claims they only see each other once a week for the past 30 years.  I’m quite sure he z-snapped under the table after he said that.  Who cares if their marriage is falling apart and they don’t really know each other?  They’re rich and that’s all that really matters anyway.  As a side, I assumed that Lap-band would have helped put a smile on Lauren’s face.  Nope.

Since Melissa and Tre are BFFs now, Melissa lets her know that she spoke with Jacqueline and spilled the producer-instructed-beans that Teresa will be calling her to make amends or “make the mends” as Joe likes to call it.  So, well, she does it.  Tre calls up Jacqueline whilst she is at the toy store with CJ and they both decide to meet at neutral place so that Caroline can’t enter stage left like last time.  And, since this may be that last time they all see Barney before he starts serving 50 years in prison, they decide to invite him along as well so he can smoke cigars with Chris and they can both “cheers” glasses awkwardly a half-dozen times and repeatedly just say, “Eh, what are you gonna do?”  Oh, I almost forgot, we were all forced to see Doozer on the billboard twice (once from Tre’s car and once from Doozer’s car).  The best was when Melissa forced her kids to “congratulate daddy” and the little son just goes, “Congratulations, stupid.”   If they’re not blood for some reason I say they set that one up with Milania.  Eh, even if they are blood what’s the worst that can happen?  It’s not like their eyes can get any bigger or their hairlines can be lowered any more, right?  Speaking of “daddy” would it be ok if the Brothers Manzo and Caroline stopped calling the father “daddy?”  For real, stop.  It’s creepy.  I still think it’s creepy when Lauren says it, but it’s even worse when it comes from Caroline when speaking to “the boys.”  Grow up everyone.

Back to the task at hand.  They show up to the restaurant that I legit believe is called “Bricks” so I’m pretty sure that was a subliminal shout out to me.  What what!  I have to say the “scene” was a bit of a let down.  This may or may not be because I am minutes back from vacation and legit can barely keep my eyes open and my bed looks like a giant marshmallow sent from Jesus himself.  Teresa tries to tell Jacqueline that she’s evil and Jacqueline looks like she just realized that her face is incapable of movement.  Since they’re both grasping at straws Danielle Staub’s name was brought up, you know, just for sport.  I’m not sure why neither of them stated that they were sick at home for 3 weeks with diarrhea because of you, but maybe they just weren’t thinking of it at the time.  It’s sad, really, because I find ways to insert that into my conversations at least 4 times per week.  Sometimes the checkout girl at the supermarket looks puzzled when I say it but, either way, I say it.  I’m not sure if Tre and Jacqueline will really make up or not and I’m not really sure it matters since I’m almost positive half the cast will be serving jail time for various tax “issues.”  However, Bravo pulls the “gotcha gotcha” on us one more time and we’ll have to watch the rest of the “fight scene” next week.  You know it’s going to be a total bust when the real good scene doesn’t even start  until around 8:50 or so…and you know there are still one or two commercial breaks to deal with.  Tricky Bravo, fights are for kids!

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