RHONJ Recap: A Nut Biting Black Hairspray Shoe Polishing Good Time!

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Celebrity Twitter Bomb Update:  I was tipped off that Rebecca Romijn is a huge Housewives fan and is new to Twitter as of yesterday to I say let’s Twitter Bomb her this RHONJ Recap.  Ole!  So please Tweet this recap to @RebeccaARomijn and @ibbb and maybe we can get her to actually read this here craptastic blog and invite me over to split a 30 pack with her and knock over a 7-11 and the like.   Thanks all!

Since Bravo is deciding to show us scenes from what they already aired last week, I find it fitting that I use the same part of my recap from last week just so we’re all on the same page.  And, who knows, maybe it’ll make more sense this way…

Anyway,  if you ever wanted to see what it would look like if Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman were in heat and eventually mating, well, this is it.  After Teresa is telling Doozer to stick with his blood, he ends up calling Tre “scum.”  Well that must be the Peewee Herman “Secret Word of the Day!” because Tre bags out of the “retreat” to go tell Barney Rubble what just happened.  Barney is up in awkwardly short arms and starts to run towards the door saying, “I’m gonna tell him to ‘pologize.”  I think he meant “apologize” but I’ll cut him some slack because if you’re a short Italian ready to throw down and have to run towards your opponent, you need to save all the energy you can and, well, that usually starts with shortening words.  For real.  Look it up in your World Book Encyclopedia.  It says it.  Wait, it doesn’t.  Barney enters the room demanding that Doozer apologize to his wife and suddenly Doozer just charges Barney.  It was like watching “carni folk” wrestle at the county fair.  Of course there were high-pitched screams from the women and, most likely, Richie.  Even Melissa got thrown into the wall, but mustered up enough energy to scream, “Teresa help your brother!”  That was an interesting statement and almost like they both know something we don’t.  Truth be told, how would you even be able to determine who was who in that fight?  It was like trying to put out a grease fire.  Kathie should have started throwing salt at them.  Or is that how you get slugs off your front porch?  Either way, it would have brought good luck I’m sure.

And then the best thing, for me, happened.  As the fight is going on Teresa just books it out the front door and starts running.  It was like that time on Full House when Papouli died and they had to tell Michelle and in a fit of rage poor little Michelle just smashed her own popsicle stick bird house on the floor and then ran out of the room.  For a blogger like me, this is what I like to call a “full circle moment.”  If Tre’s brother or husband dies I wonder who will teach her a great dance?  Fingers crossed we never have to know the answer to that question.  Meanwhile, everyone now has a hand in the brawl.  Kathie, Richie, Melissa, and our beloved Rosie is trying to pull Mario and Luigi apart.  If one of them could have got the flower and started shooting fireballs this could have ended in seconds.  You know, my friends, what we are actually witnessing here is not a legit brawl, it’s just the classic Italian version of the American game, “Twister.”  They just edited out Milania yelling, “Left Hand, Nuts.”  Speaking of which, once the “game” ends Barney is yelling for Doozer to “suck it” and then says, “Uh, what, uh this guy is, uh, biting my nuts.”  Something tells me if Barney does end up going to jail for his upcoming court case he’ll be substituting the word “biting” for “licking” in that sentence.  In terms of who won the fight, I’d have to say I think Barney came out on top.  I mean, he basically body-slammed Doozer into the ground within the first 5 seconds.  It wasn’t even enough time for Melissa to press play on her “On Display” CD so this fight could be put to an upbeat tempo.  The only other thing really missing from this fight was a couple of “Why I oughta’s” and of course, “Oh, a wise-guy, eh?”  What I really want to know is if Rosie was the stunt double for Doozer in this little cat-scratch-tickle-fight?

Come to find out Tre supposedly was booking it the F out of there because she wanted someone to call the cops and Melissa was too busy scratching at Barney’s facia bruta.  Apparently when someone instructs you to “go scratch” they mean it.  Literally.  And this is the outcome.  Once they’re pulled apart notice how Melissa immediately races over to Doozer and places his hat on his head.  Like, immediately.  Why?  I’ll tell you why.  Everyone is complaining that they all have this “shoe polish” all over them and no one can seem to figure out where it came from.  Uh, yeah.  That’s actually called “spray-on-hair”  and I’m pretty sure I called that during the first season when Doozer started on this show.  I’m the Nostradamus of the Real Housewives franchise.  Later truer words have never been spoken when Melissa blurts out “You know we’re white trash now.”  Now?  Now?  I think what she meant to say was, “You know we’re whiter trash now.”  Everyone is about to head into their own rooms after ripping their mic’s off, but Doozer needs to solidify this as a cast member of Jersey Shore would by taking off his Champion sweatshirt and then yelling at the poor team builders.  Someone put those two on suicide watch because something tells me they aren’t going to make it.

I have a question.  Everyone is still drunk, right?  Because if I recall they were drinking from lunch until the sun went down.  This is yet another reason why I just say that life, overall, is way better drunk-pants.  Think of how great it would be to forget what is going on halfway through whatever you’re doing and then not having any accountability.  Seriously, if Google really makes a success of those cars that can drive themselves, I’m increasing my alcohol intake.   Watch out Sam Adams!  P.S., get me on the liver waiting list now someone.  Either way, the beer tears are flowing and Doozer is about to smudge out some more “shoe polish” down his face.  He’s like the new Lauren Conrad.  Sidenote, that makes Richie, Audrina.  Obviously.  Melissa is still all fired up, as is Teresa.  At one point Melissa starts yelling about the crappy endorsements that Teresa gets and how Fabilini sucks.   That’s pretty much like the grease pot calling the salami kettle, black.  Oh, and good luck with that book where you sellout your dad just because he liked to go out for milk and take a 2 day trip to the convenience store.  At the end of the day, we’re all sellouts so…well…let’s just support each other in selling out.  Trust me, if I could somehow turn this here blog into an alcoholic drink, I would.  And, truth be told, I tried.  Back to the facts at hand, Doozer finally comes clean that he uses “black hairspray” that just happens to make his hair appear thicker.  (1) No it doesn’t and (2) no such thing exists, as hair spray.

As if things couldn’t get worse, Tre and Barney are now filming a scene in their bathtub.  Tre, for reasons that are never fully explained, has Martha Washington’s hairdo and is sipping champagne and Barney looks so little in the tub that he should be required, by law, to put on a pair of orange swimmies.  What in the holy hell am I watching?  Even the “worker” comes in pretty much laughing as he checks on them and drops off some crap.  I figured he was moments away from standing over the tub and slicing carrots and onions to perfect this classic recipe for Douche Stew.  These two are trying to pour champagne in each others mouths and I keep wondering if this is a nightmare sequence going on in my mind.  Why is any of this happening?  Per usual, Teresa nails it during her one on one interview when she tells us how romantic she was trying to be and then, and I quite, looks into the camera and says, “Bow chicken brown chow” and then kinda sorta tries to wink, but it looks like she’s suffering from a case of “The Palsy.”  Bells, of course.

After having to listen to Barney talk about Doozer biting his nuts for countless minutes, Tre finally decides to call up Caroline to see if she still wants to be on the show and maybe drive up to crap castle to film a few scenes.  Caroline has to think about it because she needs to find someone else that can call Lauren fat or a b*tch whilst she’s out of town.  However, she agrees to make the trip because if not she’s basically just a Real Housewife of Hoboken.  I mean.  In the end, after Richie does his best to get camera time and act like a 12 year old girl on national television, Dr. V finally shows up to “help.”   Why no one will say that Dr V is on another Bravo show where she’s basically a sex therapist is beyond me.  Just say it.  We know it and you know it so don’t pretend she’s your “friend” from LA.  She’s Andy Cohen’s (my arch nemesis) friend/employee.   Either way, I kinda like her and that speaks volumes since I’m currently dead inside.  At the same time once she enters the scene it occurred to me that she looks like she’s fresh off a “walk of shame” and that’s alright with me.  Plus, Rosie is totally foaming from the mouth…and other areas.  It’s like pouring vinegar into your baking soda volcano.  Shout out to Mr. Wizard what-what!

Dr V is literally an actual voice of reason and seems like she knows what she’s doing. I can say that because I’ve seen hundreds of thousands of hours of reality television programming where they bring in a therapist and the therapist is usually crazier than the “patients.”  So pretty much I’m qualified to assess the quality of the doctor.  Another bullet point for the resume!  Anyway, in the end Dr V talks to Doozer first and he’s pretty much ready to bail.  Dr. V looks relieved that she’s not wearing white because that “shoe polish” is a tricky little minx to get out of your clothing.  However, things take a sad turn when she calls Teresa up to her session to join her brother and he basically tells her that he hates her and wants time away from her.  I actually felt a little bad because it looked like Tre thought he was going to apologize but, yeah, no dice.  After Dr. V thinks that they can still save their relationship, Tre starts to squeak and cry…and squeak some more.  She’s squeaking something about being teenagers again and not being together.  It’s like, get a room already!  Doozer ends up standing up to give Tre a hug and they both just hug and cry.  I will go on record saying that it seemed like a real moment.  Even though Doozer can cry on command (and seems to do so  in every episode…manly) Tre cannot.  So I’m going to say that I buy this emotion and think it would be cool if they could all make up, be friends again, and channel all their old anger towards other people like Jacqueline or, I don’t know, Danielle Staub.  That woman/women really needs to make a surprise cameo.

Shout out to Ron Popeil and his GLH spray-on hair invention.
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