Real Housewives of New Jersey: You Can Take Away Their House, But You Can’t Take Away Joe Guidice’s Ability to Do Splits (These Will Come in Handy in Jail)

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Remember when Danielle used to be on this show and in every single episode you assumed someone was going to get killed…by her? I miss those days. Oddly enough they seemed like simpler times. Well this weeks episode seemed to follow suit with RHONYC where the entire 1hr and 15 minutes was a complete circus. But before we can get to all the crazy we pick up right where we left off with Tre-bagger and Melissa having a chat at Jacqueline’s house. Each “women” is trying to get their point across but then they keep bringing up the most random issues from the past like not showing up to a birthday party or not calling Teresa’s mother enough and the like. Here’s the thing, this is Italian families. This is what Italian families do. They argue over the stupidest things, hold grudges for decades, and then suddenly they make up and pretend that their fight about not using the best mascapone cheese in the cannoli never took place.

I was surprised to see Teresa actually be able to be as articulate as a sophomore in high school during her scene with Melissa. I mean, she did say “move forward” about 13 different times, but everything else seemed pretty buttoned up. While I’m sure Teresa isn’t completely innocent in this giant mess called life I have to admit that for another week I’m siding with her. Melissa seems like she embellishes things just a hairline. I feel like deep down when I do a lot of pointless psychoanalysis of their situation I bet that Melissa is just jealous. Here she is, a “talented singer” who couldn’t get sh*t done and next thing you know her sister-in-law who has a tricky time stringing along 3 syllable sentences together gets cast on a television show, flips a table, and becomes a household name. Either way, they’re both trash baskets. At least they finally decided to stop doing the “tit for tat” (which is a phrase I still can’t say or type without giggling like a school girl) and just make peace for their families so that all the kids can play together and also so that Teresa’s parents don’t die over this because I’m pretty sure Teresa thinks that can happen. You know who they should have sent in to settle this argument? Milania. I’m not kidding. She would have dragged Melissa out of that room by her hair and then she really would have been on display, on display, on display each and every day, every day, every day…right there in Jacqueline’s house. Either that or they could have sent in Teresa’s other daughter. You know, the one who suddenly has the voice of one of the members of the Lollipop Guild?

By the end of “the talk” Jacqueline, who’s eavesdropping like Mr. Firley in the other room, comes in to help them recap their next steps like it’s an official business meeting. Melissa ends up whipping out some old pictures of all of them when they went to Punta Cana. Is it wrong that I only want to spend the next 45 minutes of my life looking at all their old pictures so that we can try to spot each and every single trend Teresa tried to mimic throughout the years? Also, we’ll get to the prized picture of Joe Guidice doing a…wait for it….wait for it…wait for it…SPLIT with a mullet and a mustache. Personally, I think they should replace the Hollywood sign with that picture. He was like Joe Claude VanDon’t.

Now that the only interesting part of the episode is over, let’s try to recap the remainder of the pointless craziness. I’ll be skipping over the part where Kat and Mort are talking about starting some dumb restaurant because she likes to make cake (is “make cake” the new “take steak?” Not yet, at least) or the fact that when they went to go and look at restaurants to buy she was dressed like Carmen San Diego. I also won’t be recapping the part where she thought one Italian restaurant in New Jersey looked too much like “an Italian restaurant in New Jersey.” Seriously, just start the paperwork for Chapter 11 now. It’ll make it easier in the end.

Where was I? Ah yes. We’re all heading out to the Catskills at Barney and Tre-baggers cabin in the woods. Now, wasn’t the Catskills the place where the sluts from The Facts of Life used to go skiing or did I dream all of that up? Regardless, from here on out every last thing about this episode is like an episode of Jersey Shore. I’m not kidding. Their cabin is like the Jersey Shore house, complete with paneling, but instead of “cool signs” and such there are dead animals mounted on the walls. And, don’t you think for one second that I let their puffy leather couch sneak by me. No sir. Luckily, Jacqueline’s husband Chris packed all of their guns with them because, you know, that makes sense. I guess shooting at the puffy leather couch will be almost as much fun as stabbing it with a butcher knife.  Although, with all these guns around the house I don’t know if it’s the safest idea that Teresa is dressed like the Abominable Snowman in nearly every scene.

And who the hell are the rest of these characters already at the house?  And why is the house a 2×4 but they have a giant carport smack-dab in front of it?  I believe the older man who’s cooking and eating by himself is Barney’s dad.  Then some other dude is supposedly his “uncle” but he looked 19 yrs old.  Barney’s mother is also there, so that’s nice.  I think it’s great that the parents are there because it really livens things up when everyone is drunk around the kitchen table and having an argument about who gives a better blow job, Teresa or Jacqueline.  Barney keeps telling Tre-bagger that he only tells her she does a good job, but she really doesn’t.  He better start getting tips from her quick, especially if the rumors are true about him eventually having to serve jail time.  Milania will be the man of the house if/when that happens.

After all the blowing talk, people got hungry again so they all decided to make pizzas.  Jacqueline  decided to make a Nutella pizza (remember when we used to eat Nutella?).  At first I was about to make fun of her for that, but then after about 2 minutes I realized how awesome that looked and, well, now I want to try it.  Anyway, everyone keeps saying how relaxed and happy Barney and Teresa look living out there in the woods, but I’m pretty sure it’s only because they’re both drunk and in a small cabin filled with guns.  I mean, no matter which way you slice it they could totally end all there problems at any minute.  Me, personally, I would use the guns to shoot at Joe’s feet and watch him dance, you know, for sport?

Things in this episode continue to take sharp right turns like when “the next morning” rolls around and Barney is in bed with Teresa wearing nothing but little boys Long John’s and dry humping Tre-baggers leg.  They then just cut to Teresa’s one on one interview where she is LITERALLY holding up a c*ck ring to the camera and telling us all how her husband wears this.  I literally rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn’t imagining this scene.  She even takes “the ring” and places it near her mic so that we could hear the sound of the vibration.  And seconds later she “luckily” lets us know that we shouldn’t think that her husbands penis fits in the small hole because it actually expands.  Phew! Thank God we know that!  Now excuse me while I make a blender full of Bleach Margarita’s and give a stir of my Drano soup.

Later, Caroline, “the boys,” and Dolores (the poor mans Dina Manzo) finally arrive at the cabin for a fun couple of days of shooting guns and telling horrible stories of people getting their heads cut off whilst riding a quad.  Way to bring down the party, Debbie Downs!   From this point on everyone is literally just shooting into the air out in the backyard off the porch.  Teresa is more concerned about looking sexy whilst she shoots the gun and, at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.  Later, while the girls going shopping of some sort in the city part of town, the guys set up watermelons on trees and then shoot at those.  Barney is a dead ringer and legit shoots every watermelon off each tree (not to be confused with shooting it off each Tre).  He’s actually really good.  This skill-set will come in handy during the eventual police standoff that is likely to take place at the mansion.

As a sidenote, I like how they keep cutting back and forth from the guys to the girls when talking about Christmas shopping and having to be on a budget this year.  Teresa keeps saying ‘we have to be on a budget because of the economy.”  She needs to stop saying “because of the economy” all the time because it’s not really the economy’s fault.  You guys are (allegedly) in $11 million dollars of debt because you spend like a drunken sailor.  There’s a difference.  Also, pull Gia out of gymnastics because I think everyone should be suffering…kids included.

Meanwhile, back on the mainland of New Jersey Melissa and Doozer are off to see their daughter, Milania 2.0 (reloaded) do some dumb ballroom dancing routine with a bunch of other people who look like Level III sex offenders.  The big news is that Doozer’s mother is going to be there and Melissa is going to work on being less of a C-word.  Kat and her family show up because evidently they’re being punished for something and this is their community service.  All the dancers are creepy and about 38 years older than Milania 2.0 (reloaded) and the routines make me think I’m on an acid trip.  Milania 2.0 (reloaded) is just basically being throw around by some adult dude and her family now thinks that she’s a star.  Yeah.  Way to go with that whole “being small enough to be picked up” thing that you have going on!

In the end (because I’m over it) the whole gang heads out for a big night on the town in the Catskills and go to some white-trash bar where everyone there looks like they itch.  Teresa and the crew all get trashed and then after doing some crazy sexy dance moves that would give Amber from Teen Mom a run for her money, Teresa gets up “on stage” grabs the mic and sees if she can land Dolores a nice single man.  Teresa should just give her Joe for the night because, I mean, hasn’t he already been through enough?  He could use the change of “scenery” I’m sure.  Plus, as we saw from an earlier awkward scene he can still do splits on the kitchen floor so, well, it’s like the personal ad writes itself.

Once their final day arrives and are just about to leave to go home back to their greasy lives in the NJ, we’re provided with one last random scene that takes place at the cabin.  Like any normal cabin, at the end of their driveway they have their own personal “chapel” in honor of St. Michael.  Huh?  Are they just really on a sound-stage?  Come on, Bravo, you can tell us!  Caroline and Jacqueline can’t contain their laughter during prayer time at the chapel after Dolores picks up a picture they have there and says, “I never saw Mary holding Jesus by the feet before.”  I actually found myself laughing along with them, but then realized I was hysterical because this crap was on for about 80 minutes and I can’t get any of that time back…unless I get my time machine work…which I think I can.

Until next time, please practice safe watermelon shooting in your own backyard this 4th of July.

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