Lower your hairline a few inches and try not to look directly into the camera because Real Housewives of New Jersey is back! I haven’t been this excited for Sunday night television since they moved Night Court to the 8:30 time slot and really started developing Roz’s character more. I’m sure you feel the same way. As a side note: A judge who also performs magic? Diddles McGee, your honor. Moving right along, everyone has been impacted by Super Slut Hurricane Sandy and to see the devastation to peoples 3rd and 4th homes is really heart breaking. It’s like, where do you vacation when 3 of your homes no longer have mailboxes? One time some drunkard walked up my parents street, took the American flag off the side of the house, and set it on fire on our front stairs at 5 in the morning. Sure that has nothing to do with the Real Housewives, but I’ve been meaning to tell y’all that story for over 3 years and, well, now just seems like the right time. Anyway, truth by told, if it wasn’t for the piled up wood in front of everyones homes I don’t really think you’d know a hurricane-a-hit. Melissa was like, “Oh my God there’s a jet ski on their front lawn!” Uh, yeah, because they put it there. It’s like when white trash parks their pickup truck horizontally across the lawn in front of the trailer. Same/same. I think it’s more important to note that Melissa was still dressed like a Fly-Girl even during this national tragedy.
Was it just me or was it odd that the “first” time Melissa and Doozer were seeing the damage to their “vacation” home there was already a Bravo camera crew inside the house? Do they live there? Probably. Also, um, why was the living room furniture tipped over? It was a hurricane not an earthquake. I call shenanigans. I’m also calling shenanigans on Teresa and Barney Rubble’s house. I’m pretty sure they’re just doing construction and are trying to get some of the disaster relief money. I swear if my $10 donation goes to Gia getting Uggs I’m going to be pissed. If it goes to Miliana’s bomb making kit, I shall be pleased. I. Shall. Be. Pleased. Either way, since Big T may or may not have made it past 9th grade she’s finding the silver lining in this tragic event since it’s really putting people back to work and helping the economy. National Disasters + War = Doing America Good!
If I have one wish for this season it would be to have infinite wishes. Then my 2nd wish would be that no one would use the phrases “be a family” or “be together” ever again. Melissa and Teresa say it so much I’m trying to figure out what kind of endorsement deal must be in there. All I can come up with is the promotion of Family Ties Season 2 on DVD and Blueray. Other than that I’m all out of guesses. It was really nice to catch up with everyone again. I barely want to discuss the fact that Caroline and her husband are renting an apartment in Hoboken for a year to see what it’s like. Really? It’s still New Jersey. You spend half your day looking out the window and seeing New York City. You think people in NYC are looking out their windows and saying, “Oh look, Hoboken! We have the best view ever!” I was just glad we didn’t have to deal with the Brothers Manzo in this episode. I was even more glad or gladder that we got to see Rosie in all her glory. Yes, of course, I’m talking about Rosie in a pink blazer and flowery scarf around her neck. She is quite the lady. I was also psyched that she even has her very own 1 on 1 interview segments just like the other housewives. Rosie is still doing well, but is having a hard time meeting Ms. Right. Apparently she was talking to some chick online who said she was blond with a killer smile and ended up being a 300 lb woman with crazy eyes. Ole! What’s wrong with that?! Rosie was less than pleased, but she’s going to keep at it. Why doesn’t she just date Ellen? Or who’s that other famous lesbian? George Clooney. Just the good old days of yesteryear and way-back-when, Rosie is dishing out advice to Kathie and telling her to basically yell at people right out of the gate. It doesn’t matter what you’re yelling about just as long as you are yelling. It helps if you also have a “boys regular” haircut. People just take you more seriously. Rosie’s mother looks like she wants to curl up in a ball and die during all of this. I bet that was the same look she had on her face when she was on the SS Sinko coming over to “The America” back in 1492 with Chris-Cross Columbus and a dream. A dream filled with mortadella and nude kneehighs inside of open-toed sandals.
My second favorite/tied for first is, of course, Milania. God I love that girl. They should just give Milania and Rosie their own show (together) and scrap everyone else. It’ll be like a remake of “Twins” for the new generation. Apparently the Gorga’s and Guidicheirizeioches haven’t spoken or seen each other in over a year, but since the cameras are now rolling Melissa has her daughter write a letter back to Milania and mail it…like in an actual mailbox. Don’t they both have their own iPhone’s? They could probably text it, but that’s neither here nor there. The best part was that they spelled Milania’s name wrong on the envelop. Genius. Milania was psyched to get mail instead of electricity shut-off notices and foreclosure documents I’m sure. You think the other Guidice kids are pissed they’re barely ever on camera unless Milania is wrestling them to the ground? Gia (z-snap) is now 11 years old and is officially over this show and the Gorga family as a whole. She’s also a bit of a Debbie Downer, but since she’s only 11 I won’t make fun. However, all bets are off once she turns 12. Huh? Derrick! Anyjunk, Milania calls up her cousin to see if she can set up a play-date. Antonio seems less than thrilled and I’m sure if the camera was on her we’d see Melissa making a “jerk-off” gesture with her hand. Kinda like I do when someone greets me with a “Happy Monday” statement.
Back to Gia (z-snap). She hates everyone and everything including me and definitely you. Tre is taking her out shopping at what I can only assume is a Fashion Bug Going-Out-of-Business Outlet. It’ll be replaced by a Build-a-Bear sweatshop. Gia wants some new clothes because there’s some “guy” she likes and he likes her and, well, she’ll be giving handies in homeroom before mid-terms I’m sure. Tre doesn’t want to talk to her about the birds and the bees (1) because she doesn’t know anything about them and (2) because Gia hasn’t been visited by the Period Fairy yet. By the way, when the Period Fairy comes do you leave your pad under your pillow and the fairy gives you a baby in return or is that just the stork? Sometimes I forget. Either way, you’ll wake up with a cold pillow. You do the math. Gia ends up picking out some blue miniskirt and short shirt that only a 16 year old should be wearing or, you know, Melissa. Hey-oh! Is anyone else on this show? Oh yeah, Jacqueline. Yawn.
After a million texts back and forth between Melissa and Tre about who’s taking the kids out on their play date and where they’re going, Melissa finally wins and they all go to some place where they allow little children to make jewelry. I wasn’t aware those places existed outside of China. I did take comfort in the fact that during the car ride to the play date Milania informed us all that she wants to get rid of her nose hair (just like any normal 7 year old) and also whilst talking to “daddy” on the phone he actual says, “Oh you’re going to go see horsey face?” Joe Guidice doesn’t give 2 sh*ts. He’s going to make the best roommate in prison ever! The play date is as awkward as one would imagine. Tre and Melissa look like they want to puke on each other and all the colors in the background are making me seize. Not good for a Sunday night. I have to admit, it may be crafty editing but they’re kinda making Melissa look like a big B this year. And it seems like there may be some issue between Melissa and Caroline. Is it wrong that I kinda hope so? Moreover, I need a life. I started to perk up when Tre-bagger and Melissa were talking about having conflicting 1st Holy Communion parties. I hope the cameras are there as there are typically fist-fights at these holy gatherings all whilst a multitude of guidos yell things like “you’s sons a b*tches!” Jesus would want it that way. It states it in the Bible right after the passage that talks about how Lazarus didn’t really die he just kind of had a case of the sleepies. It was a big misunderstanding. All whilst this play date was going on, Caroline was taking Doozer out for coffee and to what I can only assume is put the moves on him. Evidently Caroline will be getting involved in getting Teresa and Dooz back together because she’ll need a role for this season and since she can’t call Lauren fat anymore on camera, she has some extra time on her hands.
The preview for the upcoming season looks good! It seems like we’ll get an episode of everyone getting along, followed by about 10 of fighting so we have a lot to look forward to….at least until the next hurricane hits. #Economy
P.S., If anyone stayed up for Watch What Happens Live and made it to the end, you would have seen Milania enter the set dressed like a princess and give Andy a miniature pony with a unicorn horn on its head for his birthday all whilst they did some kind of flashing star special effects. I’m pretty sure I was either (A) having a stoke and was just waiting for the burnt toast smell or (2) assume this is what meth must be like and, well, I may wanna try it. Speaking of trying things, if you liked this recap (which you better), please click on the neato Facebook “Recommend Button” that I place all over this b*tch so that this recap can be shared with all your trash dump friends on Facebook, it’ll eventually get to Andy Cohen, and I’ll be able to sell out once and for all. Go team!