Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Return of Kim G and the Case of the Cameltoe Cat

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It’s Halloween for the gang of RHONJ and I’m sure it’s a safe bet that somewhere in a rusty dumpster Danielle is carving “b*tch” across her forehead with a broken wine bottle.  However, the rest of the housewives and their children are carrying pumpkins back and forth across Jacqueline’s estate for some inexplicable reason.  Seriously, at first I thought they were at one of those apple-picking places, but then I realized it was just basically her side yard.  I want to take hay rides there and I want to take them often.

Everyone is having fun carving pumpkins, but Milania is losing her mind over having to stick her hand in that nasty pumpkin hole.  Someone should tell her that if her daddy freaked out the way she did 3 years ago to her mommy there probably wouldn’t be a little Milania running around to this day.  Hey-oh!  Sidenote: The fact that Milania didn’t carve “fabulous!” in her pumpkin is the first fail of the night.

Teresa ends up giving us all a recap of what went down at the Christening by using as many start-stop fragment sentences as she can, all whilst blinking rapid fire.  It’s then that I notice that some hot chick is sitting in front of where Ma’am Paupadopolis Caroline is standing.  It kinda got ruined when they flashed her name, “Dolores” across the screen.  That killed it.  Hey, “Dolores” want to take your top off?  See, it doesn’t work.  Anywhenhorriblenameshappentogoodpeople, for some reason Caroline is not only getting all up in Teresa’s face about how to deal with her brother and sister-in-law, but she’s kinda yelling at her too.  What’s up with that?  I mean, on one hand Teresa almost needs to get yelled at since she doesn’t know where her own brother works, but that’s another story for another time.  I mean, let’s face it I’m sure Teresa would have a hard time finding her way out of her own house, but so would most without Google Maps.  It’s just one furnitureless marble room after another.  Fill it with gold spray-painted wicker furniture and call it a day.  Sweet baby Jesus what in the hell am I even talking about?  I miss Chanel’s.

Meanwhile Melissa, who is sporting an official Monica Lewinsky black beret and her husband, who is sporting a burglars knit cap, head over to Kathy and Mort’s for dinner.  I feel bad for Teresa, believe it or not.  I’m sure she’s not innocent in all of this, but her brother and sister-in-law need to relax on talking smack about her on the regular.  I’m totally kidding.  They need to talk more trash because if they don’t we’ll be forced to watch kids under 10 carve pumpkins for three more crapisodes.  And why does Kathy have “the runaway bride’s” crazy eyes?  I challenge her and Ramona to an official Housewives Stare-Off! Anyway, Joe #2 is getting all up in Mort’s face and yelling about how Barney Rubble has verbally abused him for 10 years.  Really? I find it hard to believe that Barney knows words.  All we ever really hear him say is “shut up” to the kids, which is always as sweet as potato salad sitting out in the sun on a hot summers day.  And Melissa needs to stop dressing like a Fly-Girl.  J Lo called and wants herself back.

You know what I felt like this episode was missing?  Kim G.  Oh, there she is.  Melissa and Kathy head over to 5-7-9 Posche at the local strip-mall to pick out clothes that look like they catch fire during a heat wave.  It was nice to see Kim D looking younger than ever before, although I almost didn’t recognize her without a drink in her hand.  Like a flare up of the Herp, Kim G enters our lives once again.  Seriously, you totally know she sleeps in that parking lot waiting for the day when the camera crew appears so she can get some screen time.  Here’s the thing I love about Kim G, she’s bat sh*t crazy and owns every last second of it.  Apparently she’s watched last season and heard Teresa call her an old lady and, well, she’s pissed.  She may or may not have made some comment about “Teresa’s cooking a**” or she may have said “crooked a**.”  We may never know and I’m definitely pissed at Bravo for not making sub-titles mandatory during all of these episodes.  This, my friends, would be my equivalent of a Summer Reading List.  Oh, and since every day of Melissa’s life is clearly a Quinceanera, Kim D has asked her to walk in her fashion show…along with Teresa and Jacqueline.  Everyone is going to look so pretty and highly flammable.  It’s going to be like a brush fire on the runway.

I’m glad that we get to see everyone’s Halloween costumes.  Melissa and Joe #2 take their kids to one house for trick-or-treating and then hurry back to their own house so they can lay their kids in the middle of the floor while they get ready for their own party.  Melissa is going as a Cameltoe Cat and Joe #2 is dressed up like Snooki.  Even with 5 inch heels on he’s still a head shorter than his wife.  Why is this not a stereotype?  To kick things up a notch, Melissa invites Kim D and Kim G (me gusta how we still use initials for their last names like we’re in 2nd grade) to go to some horrific club in northern Jersey.  Kim D is dressed as a self-proclaimed “half hooker” and Kim G just drew whiskers on her face with the same Sharpie that Danielle used to use do draw the Golden Arches for eyebrows.  They all take a van to “da club” and the place is just as terrible as one might think.  Melissa tries to convince us that it’s the hottest club in northern Jersey, but really?  I mean, first off it’s a “club” in northern Jersey and second of all half of them are in their late 30’s and 2 of them (and you Kim’s know which 2 I’m talking about) are in their late 40’s/early 50’s.  How “hot” can this place really be?  Also, I did take comfort in knowing exactly what Jersey Shore Season 25 is going to look like and, well, it ain’t pretty.

Meanwhile, over at Teresa’s house she’s actually planning her Halloween around her children (like a good mom) and having all the kids over to her house for a party.  She’s not dressed like white trash with money, but she has dressed herself up as Super T (moose knuckle sold separately) and is pretending to fly around the mansion.  Gia (obligatory z-snap) is all embarrassed at her mothers behavior.  At least now she knows how we all felt during her “acting class” episodes of Season One.  The highlight, however, for me is how Audriana was dressed up like a gym teacher.  I legit laughed out loud (or “LOL’d” like “the kids” in a 1998 creepy AOL chatroom liked to say) when they carried her down the stairs.  Even Barney Rubble was in good spirits, which means he was probably trashed and ready to take his car for a Chapter 11 tree crash.

All random Halloween parties for adults must come to an end and everyone must get ready for the Fashion Show from Hell Part II: Guidette Boogaloo.  It’s a fashion show that Kim D is running so what could honestly go wrong?  I’m sure nothing.  Things start off pretty slow with Lauren doing makeup to anyone who has a face.  Kim G weasels her way through the fire-hazard crowd blowing air kisses to people and waving with both hands like she’s the mayor of 3rd Tier Reality Starsville.  I added the “ville” to make it seem more of a town.  Know what I mean?  I enjoy capturing the “real” moments of a reality show when you can see the look on peoples faces that speaks volumes about what is really going on…although they’re not allowed to say out loud.  Take Teresa, for example.  When she sees Kim G talking to Melissa she says, “Kim G is talking to my sister-in-law, why?”  but her face and eyes are clearly saying, “She’s just looking for some more camera time.”  Why can they never actually say it?  Why can people who are on reality shows never once reference the fact that they’re on a show.  They do know we know we’re not watching a hidden camera show, right?

When it’s time for the actual runway portion of the show I begin to immediately side-eye my television.  I’m keeping one eye on the TV and one eye on a mirror so that I can actually see myself looking humiliated all whilst watching this train-wreck unfold right before my very eyes.  I believe Jacqueline was up first.  Holy sh*t nuggets with dipping sauce that was awkward.  She literally walked out so slowly like she was on the way to the Principal’s office after being caught giving handies under the bleachers during the pep rally.  She actually didn’t get the whole concept down which was just “walk in a straight line, turn around, walk back in a straight line.”  Also, someone please tell her to give Kyle Richards her horses mane back.

Next up is Melissa.  She’s definitely on Jessie Spano’s “No Doze” pills for sure.  She’s walking the runway like she’s so excited…she’s so excited…she so….scared.  But we never get to see the “scared” part or the “crashing from coming off caffeine pills” part because she won’t stop taking victory laps up and down the runway like she’s the Energizer bunny dipped in Nutella.  Remember when we used to eat Nutella?  Let me know what you think about the Nutella latkes.

Finally it’s Teresa’s turn.  Poor Teresa.  And I mean that literally and figuratively.  She, pants-down, got her runway moves from Gia (z-snap) and I’m not kidding…not even a little.  She actually does that spread-eagle-look-to-the-left-spread-eagle-look-to-the-right “model move” that Gia (z-snap) created in 2009.  I did kinda feel bad for Teresa because she looked like she knew everyone knew that she was broke.  It makes me almost want to buy her cookbook and just throw loose change at her like you would when you throw it into that half-plastic bucket when you pay the toll going over the bridge circa 1989.

In the end, Kathy (or as my sister calls her “The Poor Man’s Lisa Vanderpump” – brilliant) decides to confront Teresa about what happened the day of the Christening, you know, the one where they all welcomed baby Joey into God’s Kingdom and did so with shots, punches, and a camera crew…just like it clearly states in the Bible.  It’s a Psalm.  Trust.  I have to admit that Teresa is handling herself pretty well and then Kat does the one thing that Teresa reminds you not to ever do by screaming it in your face which is (say it with me now) DO NOT BRING UP MY FAMILY!  Evidently, Kat said to Teresa that Audriana was unattended at the Christening so she had to get her out of there and this, well, this pissed Teresa off and in the words of Audrina to Justin Bobby she said, “I’m done.  Done, done, done.”  She may have said “I’m dumb.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.”  One may never know. I’m sure of my website had polling features and wasn’t head together by gum, sugar water, and hope than we would all agree that whilst Teresa is bricks, you know she’s a good mom so it was pretty crappy that Gonzo Kathy tries to make it look like Teresa had no idea where one of her 14 kids was during the fight.  Teresa clearly was ready to throw down, but it still looked like she could take steak.

Next thing you know Teresa is getting her mother-in-law and mother involved in this until Caroline comes and tries to defuse the situation.  Seriously Caroline, you’re 1 more episode away from DeShawn “Shawnie” Snow status.  She then calls out Kathy and Melissa and tells them to fight in their own homes and not in hers.  I’m about to say Word Up, Caroline (shout out to Danielle) but let these trashbags fight, please?  Pretty please?  I need to see people from Jersey punch at each other on television at least once a week or my life doesn’t seem complete.  If this continues to happen I might just have to spend a weekend in a New Jersey park and just “watch what happens.”  Speaking of which, please remember to join this week’s IBBB Celebrity Twitter Bomb and “tweet” this recap to @kellyripa @bravoandy and @lschully.  All three!  Thanks! You can use this shortened URL: http://bit.ly/k0tTiC


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