Real Housewives of New Jersey: The One Where Everyone Tells Each Other to Get Back Inside the House

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“Twat Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Gorga marbled-out house not a creature was stirring, except for Kim G’s duck-lipped mouth.  And the Italian midgets were drinking and I with my computer on my lap, had settled in for my Real Housewives recap.”

Seriously, I should stop right there.  That may be the best thing I’ve ever written in my entire life and, well, I’ve written the Declaration of Independence so I know a lot about good writing and junk.  However, like the time I accidental sunk the Titanic, I too shall sink this recap.  We pick up where we left off from last week with loud Italians screaming in each others bronzed-makeup-caked-on faces.  They’re so damn loud.  And you wonder where Milania gets it from.  This is why we can’t have nice things.  Get your sneakers off the couch.  Ok, where was I?  Ah yes.  Everyone is awkwardly dancing in sparkly dresses and AquaNet’d out hair like they’re the parents of the cast of Jersey Shore.  Kat, of course, would be JWoww’s mother.  Of course. Whilst the dancing takes place, Kim G is stirring the pot and still pissing and moaning about her lawyer friend being dragged out of the party kicking and screaming by her hair.  Oh, she was just simply asked to leave?  My mistake.

Kim G is all up in arms and while her face can barely move and/or show signs of life I can tell she’s pissed.  To my shock and awe Teresa and Melissa are getting along as if they forgot that they absolutely hate each other.  The baby Jesus (kisses to the sky) is very proud right now.  Because, at the end of the day, I know He’s watching this.  At one point Kim G is talking smack and Caroline is standing directly next to her commentating on her conversation all whilst Lauren is giving her the stink eye.  At first I just thought that Lauren was pissed because her boyfriend wasn’t there.  I mean, it’s almost Christmas.  The mortadell isn’t going to slice itself, so let’s just give the kid a break.  Anyhighcholesterol, Kim G looks over at Lauren (possibly) and asks her what she’s looking at and then Caroline goes in for the kill.  Geesh, for about 2 seconds I actually started liking Lauren but then Caroline stole her thunder and next thing you know Lauren is back to the background looking like she’s “ready to jump” again.

Caroline calls out Kim G for starting trouble, but I found myself yelling at the TV, “Quiet Caroline!  Dear God if we stop this now we’re going to end up with more scenes of your kids in Hoboken and, well, no one needs that.”  I mean, the people of Hoboken don’t even want to see Hoboken.  Why do I pretend to hate Hoboken so much?  It’s anybodies guess.  Next thing you know this sh*t turns into an episode of COPS and you see cameras shaking, boom mic operators, other camera men, people in the background looking confused all while Chris Manzo is kinda trying to kick Kim G out of the party and kinda trying to bang her like she’s that older chick from Dynasty.  I’m kidding.  They’re all old.  Kim tries to take a stand and stay but everyone turns into the “common villagers” with torches and awkward rhyming chants and are ushering Kim to the front door.  If she gets out by 9:30 she can make it to Merry-Go-Round by 9:45 to return her Prom dress and slip into bed by midnight before her face turns into a pumpkin and mice crawl out of her “gentlemen greeter.”  That’s what happened in Cinderella, right?  Riiiight?

I love to pause these scenes and just look around.  I was actually looking for the lady from last season at the Posh fashion show who just got her face in the camera and yelled, “This is bullsh*t” but she was nowhere to be found.  Even Al Manzo (is that the father?) got into the mix of things and told Kim G’s bodyguard to relax because they’ll take care of it.  The “bodyguard” was about a 78 year old man who just kinda shrugged his shoulders and said, “ok.”  He couldn’t have cared less.  He was like, “torch the b*tch for all I care.”  This “scene” carries out to the front lawn and in the distance we see Teresa and Barney just watching Kim G getting kicked out and laughing.  I love it when they’re drunk.  I don’t think, however, the telephone poles love it.  Anyway, Chris it actually trying to calmly talk to Kim and tell her how much he loves her son.  Was he asking her for her blessing?  One may never know.  However, the villagers can’t be controlled and everyone just starts screaming at everyone to get back inside the house.  Albie (I hate that I know all the kids names) goes out front to tell Chris to go back inside the house and then Ashely pops out of the woodwork to tell Kim G she’s just like Danielle and to “take the high road” before people start screaming at her to get back inside the house.  The one person who actually wants to get back inside the house isn’t allowed.  And that person is Kim G.

Poor Kim G.  Not literally, of course.  Look, I kinda get why maybe some people might be pissed at her, but is it just me that thinks everyone overreacted?  Like a sh*t ton?  Like, if the electric chair was an option they would have actually killed her.  Caroline and Al kick Kim G out of the party even though it’s not their house and Tre-bagger and Barney are still out front watching , laughing, talking about having sex with each other when they get home (Shhh!  Don’t wake up Milania!), and how Kim G will have to go home and rely on her “toys.”  Uh, something tells me that Kim G will have more “toys” than Teresa’s kids will have this Christmas.  Just a guess.

Speaking of toys, once everything settles down a bit and people go back inside the house we get to see all the toys that people donated for the party.  I think I counted 10 toys and half of those seemed to be those $0.99 cent coloring books they sell on the bottom shelf of Walgreen’s next to the lighter fluid, Silly Bands, and Cracker Jacks.  You know the aisle.  You’ve been there.  We all have.  Usually before a child’s birthday party that you have to go to, but aren’t really that close friends with the family so it’s a “Walgreen’s present this time around!”  Moving on.

Chris is all upset and almost brought to tears over what happened.  Apparently Lauren got the balls in the family.  He’s devastated that his friendship with John may be ruined.  I mean, if he has a new opening for a friend I’m sure Lauren will be more than happy to fill that slot.  I’m not sure if she’ll be willing to sleep with him though.  I’m kidding.   She totally is.  What concerned me the most about this scene was not the ruined friendship, but the fact that this whole conversation is taking place in an actual home theater in the Gorga house with about 3 rows of leather recliners.  I am so poor.

The entire middle of this episode is complete filler.  Although we do get a special guest which is, of course, Rosie!  Me gusta Rosie and her J Lo Fly-Girl hat that she’s always sporting.  She’s like a real life Muppet come to life and I want to do keg stands with her and I want to do them now.  I just get that vibe that she’s a kick-ass flip-cup player and probably knows a bunch of different handshakes.  We’re forced to then sit through some scene with Kat’s mother talking about some old vendetta her brother and her husband had 300 years ago about fish and a store and $150.00.  I couldn’t keep up and I may or may not have lapsed into a coma.  All I know is that half the people in that room can’t seem to not have their mouths closed while they stand around and listen.  Lots-o-teeth.

And as if things couldn’t get worse we were then forced to sit through a segment of Caroline Rules.  Ay de mio!  And the topic is “divorce.”  Which button do I push on my remote control for a boxing glove to shoot out and repeatedly punch me in the nuts?  Is that what the “*” sign is for?  Now I know.  And ouch!  I love how Jacqueline always pours herself a glass of wine to sit in front of the radio to listen to Caroline Rules.  I was waiting for her to start trying to get the special message from her Little Orphan Annie decoder ring.  Don’t Forget to Drink Your Ovaltine?!” Chris Manzo called in and wanted to know why Ashely hates him.  That was the Cliff Notes version.  Do you really care about the details?  Next.

It’s technically Christmas Eve and Teresa is doing the Italian tradition of the 7 Fishes.  Her house must smell like Danielle’s underwear drawer.  Hey-oh!  Her whole family is over and the usual hijinks is taking place.  Milania is trying to burn down the God-damn house with the candles, the sisters are yelling at her, everyone is drinking red wine out of shot-glasses, and the littlest one is wearing what looks like 1,000 pounds of a lace dress.  Someone is accidentally going to sweep her up.  And by “someone” I mean “Milania” and by “accidentally” I mean “on purpose.”  Caroline is having a Christmas Eve dinner too, but it’s not as fun.  Although Cookie is there so, well, there’s that.  Oh, and over at the Gorga house they’re getting ready to go to Tre-baggers, even though Doozer is pitching a b*tch fit about going. And by “getting ready” I mean they’re putting as many chains on their son as humanly possible.  Melissa is also telling her kids that it’s not only Christmas, but it’s Jesus’ birthday as well and when the little girl asks how old Jesus is going to be Melissa just says, “89 years old.”  I actually believe she thinks that.  89 years old?  I didn’t know Kim G was older than Jesus?  Hey-oh!

After we learn that Ashely doesn’t know what the term “resolution” means and she says she wants Chris to like her (like, like her like her?) we finally get to return to the fun house that is Tre-baggers. But there’s still fun taking place in the Gorga car as well. Let’s say, for example, that Joe Gorga was driving his family to the party and let’s say, for example, that he was saying her was going to drink a lot at the party. Let’s say that there was a camera in his face. Let’s say later he got into a car accident. Could any of this be used in a court of law? Joe, don’t you dare drink and drive. I mean, the hairspray and lace alone would only add to the explosion and then your whole family would be on display, on display, on display, up and down the highway, the highway, the highway. Anyway,  the Gorga’s finally show up and Melissa and Teresa have a playful exchange of words to decide who is dressed more like a two-bit whore on baby Jesus’ birthday.  Tre’s ass is hanging out of her dress and Melissa’s boobs are peaking out the top of her dress to say “ho ho ho.”  It’s what Christmas is all about, really.  It was nice to see Melissa’s daughter wearing Melissa’s trademark black Monica Lewinsky beret.  Start ’em young and start ’em often.

Everyone is having a nice time taking pictures and trying not to get tangled in puffy red and white lace.  Even Santa Claus pays a visit and all the kids go wild.  That is, all the kids except…you guessed it…Milania.  You can’t pull nothing over on her!  Milania called “bullsh*t” over Santa Claus and said it was just Nona dressed up.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Tell ’em what she’s won, Johnny!  A year supply of Charm and Poise School!  Hooray!  Milania is totally that kid that will ruin the Santa secret for all the other kids.  And you know what?  I love her for it.

In the end Barney must be getting sauced because he’s been sitting in the same seat all night and talking about cod on the regular.  Next thing you know he’s pointing over to where Melissa is standing and saying “Ugh, who would want to be married to that raccoon face?”  Brilliant.  He’s like one of the old man Muppet’s who sits up in the balcony and just talks crap about everyone.  I usually like to play that role so I can identify well.  Finally, Doozer tells Tre that they have to go to Kat’s house for dinner and they flash a “to be continued” sign at the bottom of the screen.  Really?  Is that a little dramatic?  I mean, do they go or don’t they?  And if they do, who cares?  And if they don’t, who cares?  I care and I will watch, but still.

“But it’s time to exclaim and I don’t care if I’m right, I’ve blogged the sh*t out of this crapisode so to all a good night!”

Liked the recap?  Join the Celebrity Twitter Bomb and tweet this recap to: @kellyripa @bravotv and @bravoandy

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