Real Housewives of New Jersey: Thank You Jesus, It’s Almost Christmas

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After a nice 10 day vacation or “vacation” as they say in other similar languages to Spanish, I’m back! Sure I missed about 15 episodes of RHONYC, but at least I’m up to date with RHONJ. Let’s just move on. Here’s what went down last night on Real Housewives:

Remember lines like, “Let me tell you something about my family” and “Don’t tell me to pay attention!”  well those days are gone and we’re now just on cruise control, held against our will, and forced to watch people like Caroline Manzo and Jacqueline Horse Feathers decorate their heavily tiled homes for a little season I like to call Christmas. I think we can now officially relate to exactly what Jaycee Dugard went through for 18 years.  Too soon?  Eh, read this recap again in a year and let me know if it’s ok then.  Also, let me know what you think of the potato latkes. Anygarb,  for people who Shasta McNasty out $100 dollar bills and wipe their bum-bums with 400 thread Egyptian Cotton sheets, these people sure do like their fake Christmas trees and plastic Santa Claus’.  At Jacqueline’s house everyone is just sitting around and making paper ring decorations like they’re the friggin’ Crachit’s and waiting for their figgy pudding to be ready.  Ashley, of course, would be Tiny Tim but in this case I believe her name would be Terrible Tootie.  Either way, this is all a snooze. At one point Ashley is telling her mother, who dresses like she’s a girlfriend of Terrible Tootie, that she needs to stop getting into everyones business like she did with Danielle Staub.  While all this is going on I was trying to figure out when exactly Ashley got her new nose because we’re all still looking at the old one right?  I can’t tell.  All I know (alls I knows) is that she suffers from that Amber Portwood disease where even when she loses weight her face stays the same size.  I believe it’s called Opposite Beetlejuice Syndrome (OBD).  If they have a 5K to raise money for it, I’ll run.

Meanwhile, over at Manzo Manor, all the “kids” are over to help Caroline make her house look like Christmas threw up.  Dear Jesus Claus why are these people on television.  If I had to play Sophie’s Choice with which Manzo kid I’d want to save, I’d turn myself in to the Nazi’s.  What?  I know things about historical movies…jealous?  The highlight of this entire scene is the fact that their two plastic Santa’s are missing half their faces.  Riveting.  I hope Andy Cohen follows up on this during the reunion.  “Caroline, do you think Lauren broke the Santa faces and is acting out because she wants more attention now that her brothers moved out?”  I can’t wait to hear how she answers.  Someone friggin punch someone for Pete’s sake.  Also, who is Pete?

So it looks like they’re still trying to push the whole “Melissa isn’t too old to start her singing career” storyline.  Eh, I guess if Susan Boyle can start it out at 73, so can Melissa.  I truly hope she can sell enough copies of “On Display” (I have no idea if that’s what it’s called) on iTunes so that she can afford lip injections and a quick same-day chin shaving surgery.  Thank you Jesus! (kisses to the sky).  Where was I?  Ah yes.  The Gorga family lawyer is coming over to the house and is bringing some “top notch” producers to listen to Melissa sing and see if she has what it takes to topple Kim Zolciak on the non-existent charts.  These producers mean business and we learn that they have worked with both Beyonce and Britney Spears.  Ooh la la.  If by “worked with them” they really mean “separated their M&M’s by color into different glass bowls for their world tour” then “yes” I believe they worked with Beyonce and Britney Spears.  Doozer Gorga pours everyone some wine like he’s one of Santa’s elves and Melissa starts to “belt out” “On Display” as I watch this scene with my hands over my eyes, only peeking out every 7th time I hear the word “display.”  Seriously, it’s like watching a 1st graders Christmas music recital.  Meaning: Terrible.  The second she was done she looks up and says, “Was that good?!”  Of course, everyone says “yes.”  In fact, one of the “producers” says that he was singing since he was 2 years old so he knows “good singers.”  Oh yeah?  Well I’ve been sh*tting since I’ve been 2 days old and I know sh*t and, well, that was it.  Potato, potahto I guess.  And, I mean, this one guy worked with Britney Spears and she basically just barks into a microphone whilst strapped down to a gurney on a 5150 and the producers made that into “I Wanna Go” so, well, that’s that.

Since Melissa is going to have to be in the studio for 15 hours a day “making music” Doozer thinks she needs to stay at home taking care of the kids, so to keep with our Jaycee Dugard theme, Doozer is going to actually build her an actual studio in the basement.  Sounds like we’ll learn how much all of these bad decisions cost during future bankruptcy filings.  Ole!  Later we end up seeing Doozer actually building the studio and the “box” that Melissa will be singing in is basically the size of a casket.  She should just sing in a casket because that would be more efficient and, well, she should let me listen to her songs in a casket because that’s where I’m going to end up if I have to listen to her sing “On Display” one more time while that creep-o-matic plays it on the piano.  Take your hat off, Krueger.

Now that the editors of this show have learned something called “compare and contrast” we get to see Tre-bagger and Barney Rubble having a romantic dinner at home.  Tre gets dressed up like she’s a 1991 Fly Girl on In Living Color all whilst Barney is slaving away in the kitchen by cutting open a bag of onions.  I want to know how many My Little Pony’s had to die for Tre-baggers boots in this scene.  Personally, I’m sure Milania skinned them alive but that’s just my theory.  Perhaps you have your own.  Anylowhairlines, since the rooms in their house barely have any furniture, Barney lit the fireplace (probably tossed in some legal documents) and set down some sheets on the floor so that they can having an indoor picnic.  Uncomfortable.  No joke, there were legit sheets on the floor.  Somewhere on the 2nd floor Gia is shivering…UNATTENDED!

During their romantic picnic, where they talk about both being surprised that they don’t hate each other due to the bankruptcy, we learn that Barney’s ex-partner is suing him for fraud and they have to go to court. Teresa tells us during her one on one interview that she “knows the truth and that’s all that matters.”  Is it?  Really?  That’s all that matters?  Yeah, no.  I’m pretty sure the Judge won’t agree with that and will probably end up tossing Joe in the slammer where he’ll be forced to perform “We represent the lollipop guild” all while he’s passed around from cell to cell like a jail slam pig.  He’ll be squealing for “Chanels” before he knows it.  Anyway, I’m still sticking with my original plea that they don’t lose their house as it is my life goal to be invited over for a tour and that’s when I’ll bust out the Slip-n-Slide and race Milania up the hallway.  Fabulous!

Seriously, is Lauren on suicide watch or something?  Her scenes with the other Manzo brothers bores me almost as much as Kat and Mort trying to buy a restaurant.  I can barely type about it.  Long story short, the Brothers Manzo give her a key to their Hoboken apartment.  “Hoboken:  You Can Look at NYC, But Can’t Afford to Touch It.”

Suddenly, we get to see our favorite blast from the past, Kim G!  She is relentless.  I’m pretty sure she just looks to dig up information on people for camera time.  Sadly, we learn that Kim G has a brain tumor years ago but, luckily, she is ok now.  I mean, she’s crazier than a rabid donkey but at least she’s ok.  I also like how Kim G’s house is basically decorated like the set of “The Price is Right.”  I was looking for the wheel every two seconds.  As a sidenote, I want to play Plinko like nobodies business.  Moving on.  While Jacqueline is over, Kim G is trying to read her some text message from her “friend” about Teresa’s finances.  Jacqueline actually wants no part of this and keeps telling Kim G and “her friend” to shut the F up.  They’re both kind of laughing though during this scene like they know this is all junk for the cameras.  Ugh, remember how awesome the 1st season was with “the book?”  I miss it.

Things, for me, get a little confusing when Teresa and Barney were going to court for the day.  Apparently some chick who’s like the wife of the lawyer of Joe’s ex-partner is suing them for something.  At one point they just show a “never seen before scene” from the Posh fashion show where some chick named Monica is introducing herself to Melissa and her sisters and says, “Hi, I’m Monica and I’m suing Teresa” and then Melissa and all her sisters just go, “Ohhh” like they just learned that Monica said she could write with both hands.  It was all awkward and confusing.  Also, I was half paying attention as I suddenly tried to figure out what happened to those plastic Santa faces at the Manzo house.

After the day in court, everyone is heading to Jacqueline’s holiday party where everyone gets blind drunk and the show finally gets interesting.  Of course, this takes place in the last ten minutes so don’t expect to enjoy this scene for too long.  I mean, did they really need to give so much time to Kat and Mort?  I couldn’t care less if they open up a restaurant or just start up a lemonade stand on the Jersey Turnpike.  Speaking of the Jersey Turnpike, I miss Deena and Snooki.  I hope they are well.

At the party, Tre-bagger shows up wearing roughly 16 layers of fur.  I don’t even know if the animal was dead yet as it looks like the bottom of her fur coat was trying to run away from her.  Even when she took the fur coat off she was still left with about 2 layers of fur for her outfit.  At first I thought it was Milania trying to strangle Tre, but then realized it was just the collar.  Anyjunk, everyone is drinking up a storm.  Good for them.  Why the hell am I not drinking?  At one point the Brothers Manzo’s friend (you know, the one who looks a like a Level III sex offender) is being propositioned to have threesome with Teresa and Barney.  Can you even imagine that?  I’ve been doing swan dives out of my apartment window to try and remove that image from my brain.  Meanwhile, Doozer is getting his picture taken like he’s a model and I want to literally end my life.  Just end it.  If I did I know Jesus would be like, “Dude, don’t worry about it.  I get it.  I saw the episode.  Oh, and I know what she thought of the potato latkes.”  Melissa, who is 1% more likable drunk, tells everyone that if you dare Doozer to do anything he’s totally do it….which means that within minutes he’s wearing Jacqueline’s dress and doing kicks in the middle of the kitchen.  He looked like an elderly Italian woman on her way to Bingo with a bag full of Troll Dolls so, therefore, I laughed.  Someone should dare him to grow.

In the end, while everyone is sauced, Tre and Melissa keep giving each other digs about being sisters, not being sisters, and the like.  Barney is telling “the guys” that while in court Teresa went up to that random chick Monica and just started screaming at her like a crazy person.  Tre, on the other hand, tells the “girls” that she just said to her “Stay out of my business.”  Yeah, something tells me that Barney is a little more accurate than Tre on this one.  Also, I’m sure the first time Tre started yelling it was actually at the wall and after 5 minutes realized it wasn’t a person and then went to go find Monica. Did you also notice how all the Manzo’s keep telling the camera how much they like Melissa and Doozer?  Hmm, something is up with that.  However, in the end Melissa ends up inviting everyone to her Christmas party the following week to which a drunken Barney just keeps saying over and over again, “What, what time does the party start?”  Oh Joe.  They party starts when you’re at this point.  Now try to not “yawn” on your ride home because we know how that ends.

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