If you’re like me, you’ve been still trying to figure out how many days Melissa waited to go visit Captain Nono in purgatory. Well, folks, we’re not alone. You see, this week Tre and the rest of the Capicola 4 are still discussing new an innovative ways to figure out how many days it is between Sunday and Wednesday. No really, they’re still mathing like it’s nobodies business. I’m sure the Italian Sub oil on their fingers is making it tough to “do the counting.” Either way, the only thing missing was a Rosie O’Donnell vs Elizabeth Haselback split-screen circa 2007. They kept cutting back and forth between Gorga house and Guidice house but, sadly, at the end of the day we were still looking at two Jersey homes most likely on the brink of foreclosure. Eh, at least all the holes in the wall that Milania made with a wooden bat whist tormenting her siblings will finally make sense to the new homeowners/the bank. Either way, Tre thinks Melissa is playing the victim and Melissa thinks that Tre is possibly bi-polar since apparently she squeaks one minute and then condescendingly asks you why you’re not staying for cake. I’m almost certain that was the point of their conversation, but the one thing I know for sure is that Jesus didn’t die on the cross for this sh*t. Fabulous.
Just when my vision is almost permanently damaged due to chronic side-eye, in walks Rosie and suddenly the world makes sense again. I’m psyched they’re giving her more and more air time. I just wish she was in the opening credits. I picture her to be sporting like camo cargo shorts and an Old Navy Performance Fleece vest and her tag line being, “I may love to scissor, but that doesn’t mean I won’t cut you.” I’m not joking, I should stop blogging right here because it’s most likely all going down hill from this point forward. Nevertheless, I shall continue. Rosie and Kathie are over their mom’s house for a little dinner, drinking, and filming a television show. Rosie says she needs to “get her drink on” before she starts cooking and then they all start slamming down scotch and telling family tales out of school. Brilliance ensues when Rosie says to the camera, “I’m not Amish, I like my cigarettes and I like my scotch.” How she didn’t then grab her crotch, spit, and perform a two gun salute with her fingers is beyond my comprehension. I didn’t know that the mother wasn’t talking to Teresa’s father, but Rosie is pissed by all of it. By the way, she’s officially already had more air time than Kathie. Rosie is swearing up a storm and what seems like moments away from peeing standing up, but her mom will have no part of it. This is what I love about Italian’s. We’re all crazy. We all have family who hasn’t spoken to each other in years and, well, it just seems perfectly normal. Pretty much I’m sure that’s what death-beds are for anyway. You either forgive at the last breath or you use that last breath to seek revenge and then you go see Jesus. That’s how that works.
Pointless Characters Moment: The Brother’s Manzo are opening up a restaurant in Hoboken with “all Jersey inspired food.” So, uh, I’m guessing they just empty trash bags onto your plate and serve it? Al shows up to cut his Lap-Band and taste test some food since, you know, he used to be ‘the fats’ and knows food. He thinks everything is missing something and then literally suggests to the chef to make a grilled cheese and cut it with a circle cutout and serve it…like it’s friggin Peanut Butter & Jelly Uncrustables by Smuckers. Suddenly Chris says something that made me stand up and walk two giant circles around my couch in confusion. He said, “New Jersey is one of the nicest places in the world.” Huh what who huh what who?! Does he mean, like, out of 3rd World locations? Because even at that it would be, like, number 34 on the list of best 3rd World countries. Can we boycott Brother’s Manzo? I jest. I will check out their restaurant, order a grilled cheese and patiently wait for my crap-kicking. I jest again. Cheese gives me a mean case of the Shasta McNasty’s. I know, it’s sad.
If it’s one thing we, as a nation, need more of it’s books by Housewives. Keep writing ’em and we’ll keep buying ’em. This time around Melissa got herself a book deal and her topic is “how to have a sexy marriage.” Can you imagine the garbage cans waiting in line for that book signing? People using their penises as pens and the like, I’m sure. Needless to say since no one gives 2 shasta’s about a book like that and the publisher is kinda sorta hoping that Melissa will really turn on the water works and spill the beans about her cheating dead father. Without blinking an eye, she’s all in. For some reason she just keeps talking about her dad going out for milk and not coming home for days. First off, it’s like stop saying milk. Second, I mean, it’s Jersey. All the houses look exactly alike. He was probably living in the house up the street for a week before he realized it wasn’t his. Moreover, she keeps crying to Doozer that she isn’t sure if is she should be writing all these bad things in her book about her dad…yet she’s saying them all on camera for an internationally televised show which is most likely to get a couple more eyes than her book will. Unless, I mean, if she calls it something like “SkinnyGirl Cheating Daddy” or “Don’t Be Tardy for My Milk Drinking Cheating Father….P.S, Have You Seen Him Lately?” Seriously, who drinks milk? Side note, I gave a couple of real life chuckles when Joe Guidice’s mother was telling Teresa that Melissa dresses like, what they call in Italia a “prostitute.” I was like, oh it’s ok we call them that here too. I did think she was having a hard time figuring out the English word for “Coochie Shorts” however.
Later, Kathie’s new nose is having a party for Richie and Victoria (I wish those two would just get together already!) and they’ve car-jacked Celine Dion’s Canadian tour bus and filled it with Jersey’s finest. I began to slumber when Caroline was giving out advice about how to fix a family, but then quickly came to when Rosie got trashed and started looking into the camera, hitting her forearm (husky) and saying, “Teresa can stick it up her a**.” She is quiet the poet. She was so angry and her voice was getting super close to that level from the reunion when she was screaming backstage that she was going to cut Teresa’s tongue out and then go to jail. Boy were those the good old days. It’s like, we get it Rosie…the great Trash Heap has spoken. The only thing that was able to calm the beast was to kiss a straight woman and then a man all whilst sporting her Boober Fraggle brown cap. Side note, I just hit two Fraggle references in one paragraph without planning it so clearly I must win some kind of Bingo game somewhere. No? Go scratch.
In the end, oddly enough Teresa and Doozer both happen to be at the same gym at the same time filming the same show. What are the calculated odds? With every episode so far centering around the gym we can all be sure that “someone” will be coming out with a workout video (or cookbook) next. I hope it’s called “Athlete’s Fabellini Foot.” As Teresa is dressed for Spring skiing and working out, suddenly we all hear grunts from across the gym. Yep, as we knew, Joe is that guy. He’s basically benching a couple of pre-lap-band Manzo’s and groaning like Frannie’s pig in heat. Oddly enough, grunts in the gym is actually the traditional New Jersey greeting. When it’s crowded it’s usually followed by dozens of people looking up and shouting, “Tony?” followed an immediate game of “jinx!” Teresa ends up walking over to her brother, whom she hasn’t seen in a year, and ends up spotting him (I wish those two would just get together already!) and kinda squeaking along the ways. Sure it’s super awkward but so is trying to analyze this situation from a physiological perspective, which I’m just about to do. So here’s the thing, Tre is joking and stuff like it’s no big deal but I don’t think she’s being fake. I think she’s trying to just talk to him in hopes of maybe ‘becoming a family’ again (drink!) Part of me also thinks she may be ready to offer 3/4ths of her hairline to him just in case he’s ready to admit he’s completely balled and sporting a matted down version of Gilly’s wig (sa-rry).
The conversation doesn’t really, uh, go too well mainly because Doozer is all picking a fight with Tre being obsessed with his wife. They then start talking about being pussy-whipped and then slowly take the insults down to Melissa lip-syncing and Teresa not really being able to cook. Spoiler Alert: America, and certain parts for Tajikistan, already know this. However, things take a sharp left when Doozer starts saying that Teresa’s husband calls her “The C” and doesn’t treat her or her girls well. Yowza he’s definitely hitting below the belt…but probably just because he’s so pint-sized he can’t reach any higher. Awww small Italian subs. I could smell smoke and Teresa looked like she was short-circuiting trying to process all the insults at once. She ends up saying the standard reality show ‘goodbye’ which is “I’m done with you” followed by that awkward throwing of the water from a water bottle, which never comes out as planned…so you end up just basically almost blessing them like it’s holy water and you’re at Easter Sunday mass. She then knocked over a trash can (in which I was shocked that Danielle Staub didn’t crawl out from) and starts to leave the gym, but not before telling her brother to “go scratch” and him telling her that he isn’t obsessed with her husband because Barney is “Mr. Bankruptcy” (snappy name!) and a cheater. Ouch. Once more Tre says “go scratch” to which Doozer responds, “Go cook. Go cook a book.” I mean, my nieces and nephew have better comebacks that those two…and they’re the same size as Doozer!
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