Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap: “Do NOT Bring Up My FAMILY” is the new “And It Wasn’t Not Funny!”

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Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion (Part 1) episode may have been the best piece of television that my eyes have quite possibly ever seen.  I basically sat hypnotized in front of my television with about 1 gallon of pee and poop in my pants because I couldn’t leave my couch for one second.  When it was time for commercials I was fielding phone calls, text messages, and Facebook comments like I was running a telethon to raise money for a national disaster in one of those countries where kids don’t even bother swatting the flies off of them and eat rice out of a newspaper while they sit by the train tracks.  I mean, not for nothing, but they don’t even have a school to go to, but their town has money for a train?  I say hop on it and get the F out of Dodge.  Where was I?  Anyflies, here’s what went down last night on the RHONJ Reunion:

  • Signs that nothing good may be coming out of this reunion?  Jacqueline is missing part of her nose and Caroline is sitting so far away from Danielle that she’s basically taping the Real Housewives of OC reunion special.
  • Through the grace of God, Andy Cohen (my new arch nemesis) is bringing up Jersey Shore and Teresa uses that to let “The America” know about the time where Danielle banged Steve at Teresa’s Jersey Shore house in front of her kids.  Please, it’s the Jersey Shore.  If people aren’t banging other people in front of their kids, they’re banging their kids thinking it’s just Snooki stopping by for a visit.
  • You can tell that Teresa is out for blood in this reunion, as her hairline is getting nervously closer to her eyebrows.  That’s like “Red Alert” to the Threat-of-a-Terrorist-Attack-o-Meter.
  • I’m so glad that Andy put together some clips of Teresa and Danielle butchering the English language.  This includes, but is not limited to: cleavlage, ethniticity, re-renovated and, of course, the whole “women/woman” fiasco of 2010.  Even when Andy corrects Danielle about the use of “women/woman” she still gets it wrong and, no joke, Teresa is mouthing the correct use of the word like she’s practicing just in case she’s asked next.  Both “woman” decide that they like having their own language and won’t change for anyone.  Uh, anyone?  Well maybe change a little for your kids so they, you know, learn how to speak properly.  I mean, screeching out “fabulous!” is only going to get them so far.
  • So we finally learn what “Danielle tried to do” from the last reunion.  Apparently she tried to get Dina’s daughter, Lexi, taken away from her.  Wait, what?!  How?  Who?  What?  When? Where? and Why? And sometimes “y.”  Can you just do that?  If so, I have a new hobby.  Poor Lexi.  She better hop on a boat and take her ass back to Capri before I’m having a telethon about her!
  • Well there you have it.  We’re about 8 minutes in and Teresa calls Danielle disgusting for never congratulating Jacqueline on the birth of her son.  Then it turns into Danielle asking Teresa if she ever acknowledged her nephew.  Well, that must be PeeWee Herman’s Word of the Day because Teresa loses her sh*t.  She gets two inches from Danielle’s face and starts screaming at sounds so loud that only dogs can hear her (and me) and saying, “Do Not Bring Up My Family!”  Seriously, “Do Not Bring Up My Family” is the new “And It Wasn’t, Not, Funny!” screamed by Tammi from Real World Los Angeles.
  • After that Teresa spends the next few minutes going through her favorite bag of swears and constantly calls Danielle the following:  You F’n b*tch, you piece of garbage, you f’n b*tch, you mother f**ker, you pig.  Then when Danielle walks off the stage, Teresa changes it up to the following:  SHE’s an f’n b*tch, SHE’s a piece of garbage, SHE’s a pig, etc.  This was moments after literally tossing Andy onto his little couch like he was Gia getting punished for not getting a role in an upcoming Adam Sandler movie.  Caroline is trying to calm her down, but Teresa is now in a robot-phase where she’s being held by Caroline she just has a blank stare and keeps shouting, “she’s a b*tch” until her batteries run out of juice and she is only left to say, “she is….she is…she is…she is….”  I was yelling back at my TV, “What?  She’s what?  What is she Teresa?  Use your words.  Sound it out.  What is she?”
  • Meanwhile, backstage, Danielle has her entourage which consists of Dina Lohan and Bruce Villanch talking her off the ledge.  They end up doing some sort of prayer and chanting, “amazing things…amazing things….new beginnings…amazing things.”  Well I’ve seen it all.  They can cut to the credits right now and I would be fully at peace with that.
  • After all the craziness Andy just awkwardly jumps back into it and is like, “Ok.  Kathy from Livingston writes into BravoTV and says I love your baby, Jacqueline!”  Awkward.
  • I have to admit from my blackened heart, I like Caroline.  They show her montage from the season (featuring my other two favorites: Cookie and Frannie) including the clip where she tells Albie to not let anyone tell him he can’t be what he wants to be.  She’s a good mom.  That is all.
  • Caroline is talking about shaving her face now.   While this would normally be boring, she says, “People think I have facial hair.  I don’t have facial hair.  I’m not a monkey.”  And then they close up on Teresa.  Ouch.
  • Now it’s time to talk about their kids.  This should go well.  Danielle says she doesn’t need to defend her kids because she knows them and she knows their “hapinesses and their sadnesses.”  This is quite the developing language!
  • Later we tackle things like Teresa being $11 million in debt and, while she agrees she declared bankruptcy, she says we shouldn’t believe everything that the New York Post writes….but some of it is true….just not all of it.  I think the part that isn’t true is the $23,000 in Bloomingdale’s charges.  I think the part that is true is the $11 million in debt.  Simple math.  Carry the “1” with a remainder of 2.  Dot your “i” cross your “t” and call it a day.
  • Then there’s that whole “Joe crashed his car and then to celebrate he did 4 shots before the cops arrived”  situation.  Oops!  Andy basically asks Teresa is Joe/Barney Rubble tried to “off himself” because of all the financial debt.  She laughs and says “no.”  However, I think Andy might be on to something.  Although if Joe really wanted to off himself he would probably just remove the phone-book from the driver seat and head out onto the highway and, well, just see what happens.
  • Rumor has it that Danielle was banging Danny and his feathered bangs and that’s why he and his wife split up two weeks after they started filming the show.  Odd, nothing to do with his spending years in solitary confinement? Either way now I have visions of Danny’s hair flopping in the wind whilst Danielle screams “Call me a beautiful ‘women’ bitch!”  Eh, nothing some bleach and sandpaper can’t erase from my brain.
  • I like how we live in a world where someone on TV can easily talk about the multiple sex tapes that they’re in.  It’s like it’s no big deal.  I feel like Kim Kardashian and her fat ass paved the way for displaying intercourse as a career move.  Just another bullet point for the resume I guess.
  • Ding! Ding! Ding! Just when there was a bit of a lull Teresa kicks it up a notch by screaming at Danielle again.  Phew!  Danielle says that Teresa spends a lot of time talking about her and Teresa flips her sh*t (unfortunately not the table in front of her) and says, “B*tch, I don’t talk about you…I’m doing it right now because we’re on a friggin TV show.”  Brilliant.  Although, in all fairness, “Growing Pains” was a TV show.  This?  This is a televised circus and the nuts being served are to the left and right of Andy Cohen.
  • “We are in the Ok Corral, buckle up.  Yippie-kai-yay!”  Why doesn’t Caroline write a book of quotes?
  • In the end, we leave off with the Brownstone incident.  And Caroline is piiiiised.  We know this because her hair starts to spike a bit like Ma’am Papadopolis.  Apparently the father of the little girl whose benefit it was claims Danielle never ended up donating any money.  Danielle tries to cover herself by saying that she went door-to-door collecting “commitments.”  Wait, what?  Yeah, no.  Just tell the father that when he has to pay the hospital bills to let them know he’ll be paying a portion of that in “commitments.”  Well, commitments and crazy.  I hear the value of “crazy” may now be worth more than the dollar.

Bring on Part II and the mannequin head!  See you next week!  Join Me on Facebook!

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