Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Italian Cruise from Hell. Where’s Chanels?

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Buon natale, Dominic the Donkey, and chicken parmigiana!  Those are all ways to say “welcome” in Italian, I believe.  Fasten up your bedazzled seat belts because the crew is heading to Italy and from the first scene to the last scene this crapisode is an absolute sh*t show and every minute is worth watching.  Who knew the show could be carried on other shoulders besides Danielle’s?!  Here’s what went down, like the Titanic, last night on RHONJ:

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  • Liar liar, Barney Rubble animal dress/pants on fire!  Within the first 10 seconds we are made aware that Joe/Barney Rubble had flipped is car over at 2:30 in the morning and so it only makes sense, now, that he’s ready to tell his side of the story to Jacqueline and her husband all whilst they are drinking…wait for it….wait for it….wine.
  • We get to see the picture of the wrecked/flipped over truck thanks to the magic of TMZ who, like Visa, are everywhere and Barney starts telling tall tales of how he “wasn’t” drinking, but “doing a big yawn” and next thing you know he took down four trees and flipped the car.  First off I’m sure he didn’t see the trees because the phone-book he has to sit on just to see over the steering wheel probably slipped out from under him.  Second of all Teresa can’t believe he was able to get himself out of the car.  I mean, really?  He’s pocket-sized.  He could have slipped through the sun-roof, the side window, or the vents.  The possibilities are endless.  We should just be lucky he didn’t get stuck inside the ashtray.
  • Here’s where we take an even sharper left turn during Barney’s side of the story.  Apparently when he got out of the car he realized he was in front of his fathers friends house so he went in, called the police, and then had 4 shots before the police got there and, therefore, failed the breathalyzer.  Really Barney?  Really?  That’s the story you’re sticking to?  You should have just when the car hit the tree a bottle of vodka fell from the branches, shattered over your head, and dripped into your mouth.
  • Oh, and while all this is going on Danielle is at her favorite diner that we see her in 6-times per crapisode having coffee and smoothies with 80’s Danny and learning that Joe was arrested for DWI or DUI (whatever the difference is).  All I know is that Danielle thinks it’s sick that Joe drove drunk when he has enough money to “call cab.”  Did you guys hear that by the way?  She didn’t say “call a cab” she said “call cab.”  What he couldn’t “call cab?”  She should have said, “And none of these woman could call cab?”  Seriously, how’s your 4th grade education?
  • As a sidenote, you totally know that Barney wrecked his car just in an attempt to finally be done once and for all with the $11 million in debt, Teresa’s stupidity, and Milania shouting “fabulous!” until the cows come home.
  • The “next day” Teresa, Caroline, and Horsey McJacqueline all scriptedly decide to go to Italy!  Oh, and the plane leaves tomorrow.  Time to pack!
  • Not only are the immediate families going, but so are the grandparents and all the screaming kids.  I think it’s great they’re all going to Italy as it will help them find new and innovative ways to place gold furniture, crystal lamps, and other gaudy decorations into their homes.  They’re can never be enough gold and crystal if you ask me.
  • Teresa and Barney tease the girls and tell them they can’t go on the trip, to which they all start doing the ugliest of cries.  Yuck.  I’m in the process of tying my ding-dong into a knot as to make sure I don’t ever end up having little brats like that.
  • Teresa informs us that the last time she was in Milan she was pregnant with Milania and that’s how she got the name she has.  Interesting.  Thank God she wasn’t in Patterson while she was pregnant or this could have turned out completely different.
  • Everyone and their mother is going on this trip (literally) except for Meg Griffin.  Damn it, Meg.  Jacqueline says Meg has to stay home so she can work towards paying her attorney fees from that whole Danielle situation, but I’m pretty sure no one wants Meg to go anyway.  I’m sure they just told her she was a flight risk.  Anyway, now she can stay in the mansion herself and probably get herself pregnant.  Fingers (not legs) crossed!
  • Dear sweet baby Jesus.  This trip looks like an absolute nightmare.  There are 20 people going and everyone is friggin yelling when they talk.  It’s like listening to the house-guests from Big Brother screaming in the diary room.
  • As everyone meets at Teresa’s house they start by drinking some wine and next thing you know we hear a crash in the other room.   Personally I was hoping Gia feel out the God damn window, but apparently a human-sized vase broke.  Teresa is yelling at the girls to find out “who did this!” and that’s when Jacqueline’s mother came forward to admit she missed the step and fell into the vase causing it to fall over and crash into a million pieces.  Awkward.  My money is on the fact that I’m thinking she tried to hide in the vase so she wouldn’t have to go on this god-forsaken trip.  More importantly, how come there was no other furniture in that room except the vase?  They probably use it as Gia’s acting/modeling studio. Ahhh, Derek!
  • They all finally make it to Italy and their first stop is Venice.  With the 20 of them running in different directions it’s like a tornado just touched down in Venice. The first thing they all do is take a gondola ride (or “gon-dolla” as my mom likes to say).  Teresa and her family are in their own gondola and the girls, for some inexplicable reason, are dressed like freakin mice.  No joke they’re in fur from head to toe and I’m pretty sure the littlest one had rabies.  Barney, the genius that he is, lets us all know that in Venice their cars are boats.  Yup.  Crickets, crickets, crickets.  Just try not to flip this boat over, ok Rubble?  Bam Bam won’t be here this time to flip the boat off you and save you.
  • Well.  There you have it.  As Milania is standing up on the gondola ready to fall fur-hat-first into the water Teresa says it.  She says that magical phrase that plays over and over in my head as I try to fall asleep each night.  All of a sudden out comes, “Milani, do fabulous” and then we hear “fabulous!” as the picture is being taken.  I literally yelled “Oh F you” at my television and, well, now I feel like I should call a therapist because that’s not a normal reaction.  And, not for nothing, where’s Peta with their bucket of paint when you need them?!
  • Um.  Ah.  Er.  What’s “Chanels?”  Teresa is on a mad mission to find Chanel and Barney keeps saying, “Who cares about Chanels.”  And also, “Shes gottsa goes finds Chanels.”  Not one word in what Joe just said was grammatically correct.  Seriously stop saying “Chanels.”
  • Next up is their trip on the SS Gaudy.  Imagine being a paying customer on this cruise and being in the room next to Teresa and crew?  I would jump.  No really, I would jump.  People usually go missing from cruises anyway so it might as well be me.  Of course, when I jumped overboard I would yell “fabulous!” and have Teresa take a picture of me before I hit the water, but that’s just me.  Perhaps you’d yell your own catch-phrase.
  • Barney and Fred are having a drink at the cigar bar on the cruise ship (safe) and start gossiping, like old Italian women sitting on the stoop with their plastic sandals and paper thin housecoats, about Danielle and how crazy she is.  Fred keeps saying how his wife, Jacqueline, has been so happy on this trip and it’s because she’s away from all the drama.  Uh, I think she’s been so happy on this trip because she’s has a glass of wine in her hand in 98.9% of the scenes she’s just been in.  Like the saying goes, “You can lead a horse-face to water….”
  • Fred and Barney also discuss taking a trip like this once a year and then Barney replies with “We should do this twice a year.”  Nope.  No you actually shouldn’t.  First off, you’ll probably be in jail for either your alleged drunk driving or you may be serving time for owing the government $11 million so, well, you may be a little tied up next year.  Also, YOU HAVE NO MORE MONEY SO STOP SPENDING IT!
  • Somehow Teresa pawns all her kids off on Caroline and her husband.  They’re throwing b*tch-fits left and right and Caroline is showing them tough love and by “tough love” I really mean “yelling at them like they were her own kids.”  I’ve already scheduled to call DSS for a variety of reasons, but I’m going to just add this one to the list to make it an even 200.
  • Later Caroline and her husband toss the girls into the hot tub, which even I know you can’t go in unless you’re over 16 yrs old.  I’m assuming Caroline is just trying to cook them like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.  I’m pretty sure I saw Albert cutting up carrots and onions and tossing those into the hot tub as well.  To no surprise, security comes over and tells them that children under 16 aren’t allowed in the hot tub.  I guess no matter how many times you yell “fabulous!” rules are rules.
  • Later Teresa and Jacqueline head out to get absolutely fall down drunk.  They’re drunk dancing and then at one point they start playing the piano while Teresa does her best Fran Drescher impression into the microphone.  Then they bring their drunken antics up to the upper deck and head outside while Teresa says, “I feel like the Titanic.”  Yeah. No.  The difference between Teresa and the Titanic is that the Titanic only went down once.  Hey-oh!
  • In the end it’s Milania’s 4th birthday.  Thank God.  They decide to have party that every 4 year old dreams of which consists of a long sit-down dinner with 20 adults.  What a complete nightmare.  Jacqueline can’t even make it to the dinner because she claims she’s “sea-sick” but we all know it’s because she’s a hungover horse.  All the kids fall asleep at dinner and Milania blows a gasket when they try to wake her up to blow out her birthday cake, which looks like it was made out of potato chips.  She’s screaming and spitting and is sounding more and more like little Billy from “Who’s the Boss” each and every day.
  • Meanwhile somewhere on the other side of the world Meg is becoming a mother.

Next week we continue our Italian nightmare vacation and Danielle beings to look for her real mother so she can, you know, smell her if/when she meets her.  Again, my money is on Kim G being Danielle’s real mother.  Just sayin’.

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