- Well we’re finally getting off the SS Guidette and Joe/Barney Rubble must have forgotten to take his Flintstone’s chewables and wash them down with a big glass of milk because he is throwing one of the best temper tantrums we’ve seen in a while. Everyone else left their luggage in their rooms, but Barney and Teresa are going to take all their luggage with them, even if that means that little Milani (ugh) has to wheel out her own luggage and then collapse against the wall and start doing that cry when no noise comes out because, well, she did and that scene actually happened.
- Barney is knocking over garbage cans, swearing up a storm, and awkwardly carrying a carriage down the stairs like he’s just done fresh boom boom in his underoos and doesn’t like the feeling. After hearing a few, “I don’t care, Tre” I think someone needs to hug his Glow-worm, have a book read to him, and take a little cat nap. Me-ow!
- In “What School Allowed Teresa to Graduate” News: While on the bus and looking out at Mr Vesuvius, Teresa lets us know that it erupted hundreds and hundreds of years ago….or 60 years ago. She’s can’t remember. Although I have to give her credit for even being alert right since the bus is complete chaos. Had there been some left over rope from tying up the suitcases I’m pretty sure we’d see Caroline hanging from the ceiling of the bus. She looks horrified, disgusted, and like she’s about to pull a Louise Woodward on the little one sitting up front.
- So when did Milania turn into God-damn Sam Kinison? Ever time she screams with that scraggly voice all I hear is “Oh oh ohhhhhhhh!” I want her to take a DNA to prove that Roseanne Barr and Sam Kinison are not her biological parents.
- Once we arrive to the new hotel the girls are fascinated by the Bidet in the bathroom. I’m squealing with delight inside because I know he’s going to say it. I just know it. He is. And in 3…2….1…..Barney says about the Bidet, “…they don’t even use ’em in America anymore. They’re like douches.” Fabulous! Yes, please toss the girls into the Doucherator 3000 and call it a day. Teresa has no need for a Bidet as her vaginastein typically smells like the floral express and she pisses out leopard print bows for her daughters on the regular.
- Meanwhile back in Creepyville, Danielle is talking to her daughters about the search for her birth mom (who I already think is Kim G, but that’s another story for another time). Per usual her kids look like they’re zoning out and plotting the cutest little murder-suicide money can buy. At the end of their conversation Danielle puts out her fist and says, “Wanna explode it?” Gross. The last time we heard a line like that, Danielle was making a sex-tape and parading around her bedroom with her coochella hanging out.
- Back in It’ly, Barney is talking about where his grandmother lives (all while wearing a Burberry scarf) and the way he makes it sound I’m pretty sure she lives in a town made of Lego’s and Capicola (sliced thin). I kind of can’t wait to see where this is as I, like Teresa, never paid attention during Social Studies. Or is is “payed” attention? Maybe I didn’t follow along during English class either. Wait a second, am I from Patterson too? Help!
- Danielle needs to stop saying “Panini?” It’s like she’s getting commission every time she says Panini. Danielle and Danny head out to get a Panini in Franklin Lakes while the rest of the gang is out of the country. Danielle feels safer with them not there as she thinks they would attack her in the parking lot and/or with a Panini maker. Panini. Oh, and Panini.
- Barney is having another temper tantrum, but this time it’s in the bus and it’s about all the money they spent in the hotel the night before. He can’t believe they spent $2200 on drinks and $1,000 on breakfast. Sounds like someone is telling tall tales. Everyone is getting pissed that Barney is b*tching about money, but I think it’s helpful to see what $11 million in debt can do to you. It’s like watching a financial planning class in action. Beyond all the money they spent on food and drinks he should have also recognized that they also spent $5,000 on hair bows for the girls. Well, at least he’s not going to sh*t those out once he gets off the bus.
- The whole gang is at the village where Barney’s grandmother lives and Teresa’s family lives (just north of Bedrock) and, honestly, it looks awesome there. Sure they had to hike up a mountain and Milania was so out of breath that she almost couldn’t even do “fabulous!“…I said almost. It was nice that they all got to see their family. Fine, it was a nice moment. I said it. You happy now? See what you’ve made me do? I just got un-funny. I lost all my funny by being nice. Now I’m going to have to make a lay-up joke about Gabriella getting stuck in the Bidet just to make up for it.
- Meanwhile, Danielle is meeting with the private investigator in the basement of his home (creepy) to try and track down her birth mom. The only information that she has on her mom is that she was Italian and apparently had a vag. Good luck. That narrows it down to about48 different states. I’m sure this will be like shooting fish in a barrel. I’m over this storyline. Get crazy or go the hell home.
- So I want to move to Italy. Everyone seems to happy there. We are so miserable in “The America” and yes I’m talking to you. I want to live on a mountain in a house made out of rocks with views of other mountains and I want to wave to people across the mountain as they stand on their balcony. Maybe I’ll blog about the people in the neighborhood instead of watching TV shows and recapping them? I think I’ll be sure to not learn Italian as it will make my experience more awkward and, well, I like awkward.
- They continue on their neighborhood tour all while pushing a jug of wine in a baby carriage and Barney is just walking around with a cup of wine like he’s on Ocean Drive in South Beach. I have to say, I like a druken Barney rather than a sober Barney. It should be like this all the time.
- Oh dear Jesus. It’s the last dinner on the last night and Teresa has all her girls dressed in custom-made “costumes? I have no idea. They might be extra’s in a play. All I know is that they look like if Precious Moment were to come to life, have rabies, and then try to eat my face in my sleep. I will, for sure, have nightmares of this for years to come. Salud!
- In the end everyone makes it home and Sam Kinison doesn’t want to be home. We know this because she’s screaming it. Don’t worry sweetie, you won’t be in that home for much longer. “Fabulous!“
Next week Caroline has a sit-down meeting with Danielle. Did we know this was going to happen? I didn’t. I don’t even remember seeing it in the previews at the beginning of the season. This should be good and by “should” I mean “better be” because this is the last episode of the season. I’m saddened by this. See what Italy has done to me!? Join Me on Facebook!
