Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: “Is Bitch Better?” I Guess It Is. I. Guess. It. Is.

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Here’s what went down last night on The Real Housewives of New Jersey:

  • There can’t be enough Caroline Manzo siblings in my opinion so I’m psyched that we get to meet two more of Caroline’s sisters who are named Frannie and Cookie.  I mean, come on.  Brilliant.  While I do love me some Caroline, I kinda wish she was Cookie.  Or why couldn’t they have called her Ginger or something catchy like that.  Gumdrop?  Anyging, Caroline, Frannie, and Cookie are having a “ladies lunch.”  This got me to thinking.  Dina could totally come back to the show, but disguised as Cookie.  This way, we all still get to enjoy Dina and I get to start using the name Cookie on the regular.  Sounds like a win-win to me.  Cookie.  Also, Cookie.
  • Speaking of lunches sent from heaven, Jacqueline and Teresa are meeting Kim D (possibly the town drunk) for a lunch.  Here’s the deal, I also love Kim D.  Although I think I love her for the wrong reasons.  I love her because she looks, sounds, and acts like she just finished drinking two 40’s in the rusted out dumpster behind the Chateau and then had unprotected sex in the cab (with the driver) on the way over to lunch…all whilst chain smoking a carton of Misty 120’s (the package with the light blue stripe down the side) and gargling gin.  And you know what?  I don’t think it’s wrong at all for loving her for those reasons.
  • Kim D, with her half T-Boz hairdo, invites the girls to a “fashion show” that she’s having for her store, which I still believe is just a 5-7-9 franchise.  Here’s the “gotcha -gotcha” though.  Danielle is scheduled to attend this event as well.  When Teresa hears this her facial expression makes me think she’s trying to read the instructions on how to put together a platform bed from IKEA.  Poor Teresa.  Someone test her quick.
  • When is Danielle getting attacked?  I’m ready to see that.
  • Danielle, fighting a new bout of crazy, heads over to Kim D’s store to confront her about inviting Teresa and Jacqueline to the fashion show because, you know, that’s normal behavior.  Well all chemically unbalanced hell breaks loose when the lady at the front desk of Posche (who’s already on the phone) doesn’t greet Danielle the second she walks in the door.  Danielle takes this has declaring an act of war.  After standing outside talking to her daughter (the poor girl) on the phone in the strip mall parking lot, she then busts back into 5-7-9 to tell the front desk worker to have Kim D call her when she gets in.  “Lady at Front Desk” apparently doesn’t know Danielle’s name in order to let Kim D know, but I find that a little hard to believe.  Why did she think she was filming this?
  • Now I’m not a trained psychologist but what did I miss “Lady at Front Desk” doing that was so bad that would have Danielle reacting like this?  She comes back to 5-7-9 to let Kim D know that “Lady at Front Desk” treated her poorly and that Kim D allows all of her employees to treat Danielle any way they want.  Seriously, what?  I’m pretty sure I noticed the camera shaking from the cameraman laughing during this scene.  In the end, Danielle lets Kim D know that she “loves her too much” to shop at her store again.  Kim D kinda sorta kicks her out of the store.  Well, technically, she said, “You know what?  Now I’m going say (points to the exit) if you’d like to leave you can.”  I love when Kim D gets so nervous she makes no sense at all.  Awesome.
  • Caroline is freaking out to her husband over the kids leaving the house and her being left all alone in the house while her husband works.  Uh, the thing is that all 3 kids still live at home.  Caroline is probably in the early crazy stages of menopause. Also, I miss Cookie.
  • Is Danielle getting attacked yet?  How ’bout now?  Now?  Ugh, fine I’ll wait.
  • For some inexplicable reason Ashley/Meg Griffin has been asked by Kim D to be a “model” in the 5-7-9/Fashion Bug/Dots fashion show.  Yikes.  Let’s hope FUPA is the trend this Fall.  Meg Griffin is happy to be walking the runway and is more confident since her last “modeling gig” which consisted of her mother paying for a 30 minute Glamour Shots session.  Ashley?  Really?  Blah.  She should have asked Frannie, Cookie, Gumdrop, Candy, Sissy, and Sleigh Bells to walk the runway too.  So rude.
  • The “next day” Kim D calls Danielle to mend fences and make sure she’s coming to the fashion show.  I’m only adding this scene in here because I love the way Kim D sounds when she’s on the phone.  She sounds like she’s tied up and choking on sex.  Whatever that means.
  • It’s the night of the fashion show and Kim G gets dropped off at Danielle’s by her driver.  Ok.  Fine.  I’ll say it.  It’s totally like “Driving Miss Daisy.”  Although, in this case I think it’s fitting to change the name to “Driving Miss Crazy.”  Kim G heads out of the car and up the walkway wearing what I can only assume if shiny leather shorts, a shiny leather jacket, and at minimum 3 cans of AquaNet (purple can).
  • Why doesn’t Danielle know the difference between “woman” and “women?”  She always uses the wrong word.  Example: “They throw this animal in the middle of all these woman.”  Get the flash cards ready again.  I’m taking a trip to Franklin Lakes.
  • You can tell Kim G is over all the Danielle craziness.  She keeps cutting her off and trying to calm her down when Danielle starts spewing out insanity….which seems to be every 14 seconds.
  • It’s finally time for the fashion show.  Thanks for starting it 41 minutes into the episode, Bravo.  I have a feeling we’re not going to see Danielle getting attacked until next week.  Damn it all to hell.
  • Kim D has really kicked her T-Boz hairdo up a notch for this event.  She seems really stressed out.  If I were there I’d tell her to calm down and to not go chasing waterfalls.
  • Meg Griffin is all ready for the runway and Kim D tells her that she looks great.  She also tells her it takes her a while to get to that point, but she does look great.  Meg looks like she’s about to puke with that comment.  Shut up, Meg.
  • Danielle shows up with a new bodyguard, Dennis, to protect her during the 5-7-9 show.  You know, this whole “Danielle is crazy” thing is at a whole new level.  It’s kind of like when Kelly Bensimon (Real Housewives of NYC) was all fun and crazy, but then legit took a turn into Crazy Town and she had a breakdown.  We were all like, “Ohhhhh I get it.  She was really crazy not just ‘fun crazy.'”  It’s the same thing with Danielle.  I think she legit thinks that she’s going to get attacked no matter where she goes.  I mean, sure this time she’s actually right, but normally she’s just making drama stew.
  • Danielle is so pissed that Teresa and Jacqueline are sitting with Kim D that she basically pitches a bitch-fit and refuses to clap or even pay attention during the show (pay attention puh-lease).  At one point she actually tells people that she’s pretending to be on the phone because Paris Hilton taught her how to do that because it pisses people off.  I think that makes total sense.  I think a 48 year old woman should model her life after Paris Hilton.  Oh, I’ll be right back.  I need to make a quick call to DSS.
  • Ok back.  Kim G is not pleased with Danielle’s behavior.  We know this because her her hair gets higher as the night goes on.  At one point I thought it was going to knock the crystals off the chandelier.  Oh that would be another sweet name for Caroline’s sister. Crystal.  Oh, or Chandelier.  These are my sisters Cookie, Frannie, Gumdrop, Sissy, Chandelier, and Crystal.
  • When Meg Griffin walks the runway, Jacqueline blows her drunken kisses and Danielle mutters “coke whore” under her rancid breath.
  • Uh-oh, Kim G’s hair is another inch higher when Danielle says that none of the girls know how to walk a runway.  Kim G answers back by saying that they’re not professional models so, of course, they don’t know how to walk a runway.  You know, I’m starting to like Kim G more and more.  Perhaps she’s the one that can slap the 5150 on Danielle.  Sounds like a plan.
  • We’re now at the part where Danielle’s table is looking over at Kim D’s table and Kim D’s table is looking over at Danielle’s table.  At one point Meg Griffin waves to Danielle and Teresa looks like she’s ready to throw down at a moments notice, Snooki style.  You can tell that Danielle is extremely uncomfortable because she just keeps picking up her champagne glass, putting it to her mouth, and then placing it back on the table.  She does this about 10 times.  I only noticed because I thought that not drinking it was alcohol abuse.
  • Ugh, when is Danielle getting attacked?!
  • In the end you can tell that Teresa and Jacqueline are trashed, which works for me.  Teresa is just sitting out in the lobby on a chair by herself waiting for Danielle to walk by so she can “say hi.”  When Danielle does walk by, with Kim G, Teresa calls out “Danielle” and then says hi to her.  Awkward.  Everyone just stands there and looks at this train wreck about to take place.
  • The conversation is so awkward.  Teresa is like, “Yeah so you were sitting across from us and you didn’t say hi.”  To which Danielle replies, “I just said hello.”  Then it moves on to a 2 seconds acknowledgment about their daughters being in a fashion show.  And then, well, then it takes a sharp right and falls off the tracks.  Teresa starts to bring up the table flip from last season and says she wants to smooth things over because she’s a sweet person (like Sammie Sweatheart).  Danielle says she doesn’t think Teresa is sweet to which Teresa says that Danielle brought her to that point.  She then tosses in a “honey” and Danielle says, “Don’t call me honey.”  It gets good because Teresa says that she doesn’t want to call her honey because she’s an old hag (not sure of the correlation, but whatever) and asks her if “bitch” is better.  I think it is.  I’m not sure how Danielle feels about it, but I think it is.
  • Danielle decides that she thinks this conversation is “gamey” (like her crotch) and wants no part of it.  This is when they do my favorite “Who’s the Boss?” ….to be continued.  Will Angela and Tony ever get together?  Oh wait, I mean we have to wait 2 weeks (yes, two weeks) before we see Danielle get her extensions ripped out of her head all while a chase ensues and people are literally trying to pull Teresa down to the ground so she’ll stop running, Kim G tries to calm everyone one down by screaming in their faces “calm down!” and Danielle gets carried off into the car by her “bodyguard.”  This will be the longest 2 weeks of my life.
  • I miss Cookie.

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