Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Heckyll, Jyde and a 4th Grade Reading Level

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It’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for!  Of course I’m saying this because we finally get an update on Lauren Manzo’s diet!  Phew!  To be honest I was worried for a little bit.  I mean, I think an entire week went by without us knowing if she was still on the egg white diet or if she did, in fact, call Jenny.  Well I have some really sad news to report.  Lauren has waved the white flag with her egg white diet.  Apparently she was supposed to drink from a chicken’s ass every day for the rest of her life just so she could lose 1 pound per week.  She thinks she can just watch what she eats and all will be right with the world.  Caroline fully supports this decision, but not before she calls Lauren “chunk-a-monk” to her facia bruta.  She might as well just hand Lauren a long-handled tooth brush and give her a wink and let the chips fall where they way (all over the toilet seat, most likely).  I’m not sure why Lauren always says that she feels like the odd Manzo out especially when everyone thinks her brothers are so good looking.  Really?  Do people actually think this?  I always though them to be what Nicky and Alex would look like had they grown up and Full House was still on the air.  No?  Either way.

The was a lot of other filler in this episode, per usual, like Kat driving over to Melissa’s castle to chat with her and her sisters on their front stairs about Teresa’s latest magazine cover.  I think it’s totally believable that simply hanging out on the stairs requires a new outfit and full hair and makeup.  To sum it up, this is officially the best day of “the sisters” lives.  Oh, and let’s not forget that we also get to see the Manzo siblings ordering pizza on a rainy New Jersey day.  I’m not kidding. It was at least 5 minutes of this episode.  I mean, this really is “on the edge of your seat” kind of television.  Did they order extra cheese?  Will Lauren eat the pepperoni?  Whose half-eaten sub is that?  All questions that made me sweat whilst my eyes were pealed. Spoiler Alert:  Lauren did not eat the pepperoni.  But I have a funny feeling that Albie did.  Hey oh!

The main portion of this episode, like always, is about Teresa and her minxy little ways.  To be honest I feel like it’s refreshing that they at least talk about the magazine covers as opposed to every other reality show that likes to pretend that they’re really not on a television show.  One thing that confuses me, however, is what Teresa actually thinks bankruptcy is.  I’m almost certain she thinks it’s a disease that you can catch.  Whilst talking to Barney (who’s out in the yard in a wife beater and digging up the ground…and apparently 7-months pregnant) about all the wonderful things they’re building on their property – like a garage with a chandelier of course – and Tre starts talking about when you “get bankruptcy you don’t just roll over in a hole and die.”  Brilliant.  Later she makes it seem like it’s a new workout regimen by saying, “When you do bankruptcy you can keep on living.”  I wonder what is more fun, getting bankruptcy or doing bankruptcy?  Either way, I’m pretty sure all that money was unattended!

The person who seems to be having the toughest time with Teresa being on a magazine cover saying that she might be going to prison is Jacqueline.  She’s nearly in tears because she is “so concerned.”  I’m pretty sure those tears are from drinking.  Either way, it might be time for Jacqueline to peace on out of the Housewives series.  Her main storyline is either centered around Skyping with Ashley in Vegas or reading magazines that Teresa is in and reacting.  If Chris had a “harsh hand” maybe things could get a little more interesting.  I’m just saying…maybe burning the roast once or twice a week wouldn’t be such a bad thing.  At least then she can start endorsing bruise cream and the like.  Regardless, Jacqueline invites Tre-bagger to come over to her mansion to chat on the back deck and have some wine.  Tre thinks they’re probably going to trade meatball recipes so she can add it to her 15th pointless cookbook, but Jacqueline has an alternative agenda.  She spends literally day and night calling Tre out on her magazine covers and the money that she makes off of them.  Tre is like a deer in headlights because she isn’t sure how to answer any of these questions.  She does, however, know how to brush the hair away from her face every time she gets uncomfortable with the line of questions.  If she isn’t rabbidly blinking, she’s pushing her hair away from her face.  She’s be a great poker player.

After arguing until the sun went down (for real) Tre tells us in her one-on-one interview that one minute Jacqueline is laughing and then the next minute she’s crying and yelling.  Obviously Tre then calls her “Heckyll and Jyde.”  You know that classic story.  Since Tre grew up poor in Patterson (I’m from Patterson baby, remember!) I’m sure her parents shopped at the Dollar Store and the book there really was called Heckyll and Jyde.  In fact, I have a feeling I’d like that story better.  Just when the arguing is about to boil over all of a sudden Caroline shows up drinking an iced coffee and wants to know why they’re yelling.  The look on Teresa’s face was priceless and scared all at the same time.  I’m pretty sure I saw her hairline try to run from her eyebrows.  Retreat!  I did like, however, how Teresa immediately called BS on this whole situation.  She said to Caroline, “Oh you heard me yelling all the way over from your house?”  Seconds later she said she felt ambushed.  I had to applaud Tre for not only knowing that word, but using it in the correct context.  Caroline tries to cover things up by saying she stopped by Jacqueline’s to drop off a bathing suit that someone left at her house…and she just happened to run that errand whilst the cameras were up.  Convenient.  Caroline takes this time to yell at Tre and say how they were never friends and how fake she is, etc.  There was so much screaming and finger pointing that it really made me feel like this is what this show is supposed to be about.  I mean, and it’s obviously supposed to be about Lauren’s diet and ordering pizza…but the fighting too.  After the fighting ended and Tre decided to peace out from the crazy and asked them if they still “do kisses.”  She brushed off Caroline and as she walked away Caroline just yelled out “nice bag.”  If I were Tre I would have yelled back, “Good luck with that neck fat.  Try a little egg white shake.”  See how I tied this all back together?  P.S., I miss Rosie 🙁

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