Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Elvira, the Party Planner from Hell, Can Go Scratch (Spit)

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  • I miss Dina already.  And obviously I’m not alone.  My other personality misses her too.  Also Carolina, Jacqueline, and Teresa miss her whilst they’re having lunch and she is not there.  Teresa must be in mourning because she’s wearing all black, including a black dedazzled beret-like hat similar to what DJ Tanner used to wear towards the last couple of seasons of Full House when the producers allowed her to “dress cool.”  You can also see this type of hat, sported in bright orange leather, by one Ms. Lisa “Lefteye” Lopez from TLC circa 1992.  But I digress.
  • Danielle heads off to get her busted bust looked at by some Mickey Mouse surgeon who’s opened up shop at the “Wayne Surgical Center” where I can only assume is a strip mall.  Actually I don’t need to assume.  It’s definitely at a strip mall.  It looks like the kind of place where about 252 pigeons are all sitting on the florescent sign in the parking lot all while a few letters in the sign keep flickering until it just fizzles out and turns into something like, “Way Suri Cent.”
  • When the Dr takes Danielle into the exam room to check out her rack-attack, Danielle removes her towel (like a crazy flasher) and just lets her rack blow in the breeze while the Dr takes pictures with his “Instamatic” camera.  I have a funny feeling this isn’t Danielle’s first time involved in rack picture taking while a random woman looks on.  Oh, and I have a question.  When Danielle does show her rack, and they blur it out, how come her nipple area looks green?  Literally, green.  Maybe she has Kermit the Frog tattoos that we don’t know about?  Either that or maybe she shoots slime?  The world may never know.  I will, however, look into this and report back my scientific findings.
  • Ugh.  Ashely again.  Blah.  Meg Griffin/Ashley heads over to Jacqueline’s house with another friggin knit hat on.  Seriously, my sister nailed it when she told me Ashley was Meg Griffin.  Shut up, Meg.  Meg feels bad about her actions from the the poker game, last week, when Jacqueline had to kick her out of the house.  Oh and by “kick” I mean “drag her out.”  In fact, Meg may want to actually move back into the house.  Why?  Why would she want to go from sleeping on a piss-stained mattress in a crack den to moving back into a mansion that comes equipped with a camera-crew?  I’m sure her reason to come back is just to get more camera time.  Shut up, Meg.
  • Annnnnnnnd…..enter Elvira.  Elvira is Teresa’s party planner for her housewarming/foreclosure party, but from these scenes I’m watching let’s just say that Elvira must also be Teresa’s arch nemesis.  First off, Elvira is as crazy as the homeless man who lives outside of my apartment building who just yells obscenities at me every morning as I walk by him and then when I’m about 15 feet away he yells, “have a nice day!”  Second off, Elvira pretty much insults Teresa for not hiring a maid to clean her house and for not having a pool in her backyard.  Teresa loses her sh*t over these comments.  We know this because she blinks about 49 times in 20 seconds, whereas her “blink rate” is usually 20 times in 20 seconds.  The “blink to puzzled look” ratio is 3:1.  I actually don’t know if that’s accurate.
  • Why does Teresa always brag that she takes care of her kids, cooks, and cleans her house without any help?  She makes it seem like we should be shocked that she does this all on her own.  I think it’s called “being a mother” but I’m not quite sure.  I mean, sure it would be cool to have someone come and cook and clean for you, but don’t make it seem like you are 1 in a million who does all this yourself.  Trash bag.  I say she should hire someone to clean up after Joe/Barney Rubble.  I’m sure he just pulls down his stonewashed jean shorts and takes little craps all over the house like a rabbit.
  • Elvira still can’t believe that Teresa doesn’t “have help” around her house and Teresa let’s us know that she’s “old school” and that “Elvira can go scratch.”   Awesome.  She should have been smoking a pack of Newport’s while she said it.
  • Ding dong.  Meg Griffin’s back.  Oh, and she’s wearing a new knit hat.  Go figure.  I bet that thing smells worse than the skin underneath Lindsay Lohan’s SCRAM bracelet.
  • Jacqueline and her husband, Chris, finally decide on a new curfew for Meg.  1am during the week and 2am on Friday and Saturday.  I tell you these specifics because if you happen to live in that area of Franklin Lakes, I suggest that you stay off the road during those hours.  Oh, or maybe you could hide on the side on the road and when you see Ashley drive by with her window down try to rip that nasty-moth-infested knit hat off her giant Bonk-like head.  Bonk!
  • Tonight on a very special Real Housewives of New Jersey: Aww as much as I want to make fun of this scene I can’t.  We learn that Albie is basically being asked to leave law school because he is on the fence of failing a class.  Albie has a learning disability and his advisor/professor has told him that because of his learning disability he should find another career than be a lawyer.  This sends Caroline over the edge.  As she fights back tears she tells Albie, “Do not let anyone tell you you can’t be anything you want to be.”  As much as I give Caroline sh*t, she’s clearly a great mom.  This was probably the most real scene I’ve seen all season.  In order to change up this highly emotion moment, I will say the following:  Boobies, poop, ding-ding, period, caca, and balls.  Phew!  Safe.
  • What do ya know, another store in strip mall.  Teresa and Jacqueline head over to see Kim D at Fashion Bug Posche to try on some hoochie mama clothes.  Do “the kids” still stay “hoochie mama?”  If not I hope to bring it back.  Anyflammableclothes, Kim D offers the girls some champagne as they try on the clothes.  Teresa picks out an ugly hat.  I hope she buys it and then gives it to Ashley as a quick trade.
  • Teresa is calling out Kim D for telling them earlier that she isn’t friends with Danielle, yet she went to Danielle’s “ladies luncheon.”  Kim D keeps saying that she talks to Danielle because Danielle is a “customer” and that “business is business.”  Why won’t Kim D just admit she would burn her entire store to the ground if it meant that she would become a regular cast member on this show?  Also, Kim D looks like she could possibly have a problem with “the liquor.”  More on this later.
  • Danielle heads over to have her square boob fixed and get brand new implants.  They strap her down on the operating table like Jesus on the cross, which I’m sure Danielle loved.  I’m sure she thinks she suffered as much as Jesus himself.
  • Later, Elvira the party planner from hell, returns to Teresa’s future foreclosure, to set up for the party.  The theme is “Studio 54” and will have lots of lights, gold furniture, a dance floor, and a red carpet.  Honestly, it sounds like an absolute friggin nightmare.  I almost wish her theme was “Jihad” and they just trashed the place…like I’m sure Joe will do the day before the bank takes ownership over the house.
  • While Elvira is setting up, I notice that Teresa is wearing a black tank-top with the word “Fabulous” literally dedazzled across her chest.  The. Worst. Ever.  Kill yourself with that.  Speaking of which, where are her little girls?  And why doesn’t she have any of them screaming “fabulous” into the camera?  Seriously, they’re like wind-up toys like that.  Her kids are like Bindi Irwin to me and, well, I’ll just leave it at that.
  • While Teresa is getting her hairline done in her basement, Jacqueline calls to let her know that Kim G feels left out for not being invited to the Future Foreclosure party.  Teresa decides to invite Kim G at the 11th hour, which makes me a little nervous for Kim G because I’m pretty sure that she needs 14 hours to AquaNet.
  • Once the party finally starts we get to see Kim G and Kim D (or “Kim God-Damn” as I like to refer to them as when they’re together) together drinking, slurring, talking overly loud, and drinking from the same glass.  To me, this is what the Olsen Twins will be like in 30 more years….only with less fried hair.
  • Watching Joe/Barney Rubble dance may possibly be the highlight of the crapisode for me.  Although, something else will take the cake in about 2 minutes.  Teresa grabs the microphone and thanks everyone for coming to her party.  She invites up Caroline and Jacqueline to thank them for everything and tells them what she likes best about them. It’s a nice moment.  Uh, then suddenly a drunken Kim D goes staggering up towards Teresa (with Caroline and Jacqueline standing right there) and starts talking into the microphone slurring how much she loves Teresa.  Not only is Kim D trying her best to get on this show permanently, she seems to know an awful lot about every scene/sentence from the past season.  Basically, it would be like if I ever made it onto The Hills or The City.  All my scenes would consist of me talking about things from past episodes.  I’m a good stalker like that.
  • Caroline is so pissed that Kim D is up there.  She lets us know that if one of her kids ever did that she would “choke them.”  Haha awesome.  And I believe she would.
  • In the end Kim D and Kim G continue to declare drunken holy war all over Teresa’s house.  Kim G pulls Caroline to the side to slur to her that Jacqueline is obsessed with Danielle.  The thing is, is that Jacqueline is standing there and hears it.  She confronts Kim G about it and changes her tune from saying that she’s obsessed to saying that she is “angry” at Danielle.  Jacqueline walks away from the conversation and Kim G and Kim D and literally chase her down the hallway.  Brilliant.  As much as they’re the worst, I kind of want to see more of Kim G and Kim D together….but only if they’re drunk.  That’s the rule.

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