Real Housewives of New Jersey: “Ingredientes” and Formal Letter Writing: A Phonics Lesson With Teresa Giudice

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Apparently we’re already at the part of the season known as “down time.”  Therefore, we have to all sit back and wait for the next Italian fight to take place, hopefully sometime before the end of the season.  Therefore, we kick things off with Teresa’s latest cookbook, which I believe is called, “My Four Hairlines.” I’m kidding.  It is, of course, called “Fabulicious” because she wanted to combine the word delicious with her daughters favorite word “fabulous.”  Oh really?  I didn’t know they liked that word.  Trebagger is there to supervise creepy people taking even creepier pictures for her cookbook.  All the “cooks in the kitchen” are kissing her crooked a** by saying things like “yum” and “this is simple.”  Teresa is so glad they think these recipes are simple because she claimed she was tired of going through cookbooks that had so many “ingredientses.” One of these ingredientses is cumin which Teresa, of course, refers to as “cumming.”  She says, “Yeah, like we didn’t cook with no fancy ingredientses like cumming.  I don’t like cumming.  Is that what it’s called?”  The two women listening to Tre butchering the English language look like they realize they can “catch bricks” just by listening to her.  And as if I couldn’t begin to wipe the “What the f*ck?!” look off my face during this entire scene we learn that there is a recipe actually called “Juicy Joe’s Meatballs.”  Not only did I puke in my mouth but I also projectile diarrhea’d across the room and passed out.  Seriously, sick.  If these are really supposed to be like Juicy Joe then they should be the size of raisins, greasy as all get out, and should be featured in Chapter 11 of the cookbook.  I kinda almost want to stop the recap right here because I don’t think I’m going to top that last sentence.  Happy Memorial Day!  Oopa!

As Teresa tries to cook her way out of debt, Kathy tries to find actual reasons to be on this show.  Therefore, she decides that she really wants to meet up with Caroline to talk about the getting into an “almost fight” at the Brownstone during Kim D’s flammable fashion show on wheels.  Kathy always seems so intense every time she talks.  She always looks like she just found out that Princess Diana died in a car crash.  Maybe when she actually did find out someone slapped her on the back and that face just stuck.  I’ll start to research it.

Speaking of people trying to find their place on the show, Caroline is helping her sons move to their new New Jersey apartment.  I’m not too sure why we’re supposed to care where Albie and “The Other One” is living but all I know is that I spotted them moving in a puffy leather couch so that can only mean one thing:  A 16 year old girl is about to get pregnant.  Suddenly the doorbell rings and some 6’5″ Level III sex offender (allegedly) enters the apartment carrying a tiny dog wearing a pink J Lo jumper and looking like its just been diddled for money.  I think it’s great that he’s introducing himself, in accordance to New Jersey state law, to his neighbors.  Also, everyone needs to ease up on the greasy fattening food.  There, I said it.

Over in 75,000 sq feet Joe #2: Electric Boogaloo is ready to bust at the seams, literally, because Melissa hasn’t been able to give up “da sex” to him in 4 days.  He’s all pissed off at his wife over this on camera because he feels that even though she says she’s too tired he still feels that she should down some coffee and splash water on her face in order to wake up and get ready for the best 13 seconds of her life.  She should have been like, ‘You ain’t tall enough to ride this ride!” and then Gia could have popped out from behind the table and gave a z-snap all whilst doing a split for the camera.  I should start directing this junk.  And I don’t know what was worse, the fact that he’s doing this sassin’ on camera or the fact that he’s discussing this in front of his kids.  He should just dress up in his Snooki costume again, stand in front of the mirror, and give himself a handy while he keeps screaming “ingredientses” over and over again.

Oh, you know who I couldn’t really care to discuss…at all?  Jacqueline and the boring conversation between her and her dad.  I’d rather listen to Sport Billy and Sport Lilly lecture me on how to exercise and not be a sore loser.   Next.

Kathy heads on over to Caroline’s house with a legit basket of flowers  so she can tell her side of the story from the Fashion Bug fashion show.  It may have been Tello’s.  I can’t recall.  Either way, was anyone else thinking the both of these chicks knew how awkward this filming was?  Kathy tries to fill in Caroline on what really went down, but Caroline wanted no part of it and basically told her to stop being a trouble maker and stop getting involved.  What’s up with C-dog this season?  She even tells Kat to not air her dirty laundry and that she doesn’t want to know what’s going on in her family because it’s private and personal.  Um, sure that’s a great idea.  She should totally keep all that in and not talk about to anyone because I’d really rather watch her constantly try to get Mort away from the stove each episode while she’s cooking, what I can only assume is, an endless supply of risotto.  Seriously, stop cooking risotto.  During her one on one interview (in which she seems to only whisper in) Kat says she doesn’t need Caroline’s approval but, uh, something tells me that I think she does.

Later, these woman/women head out to some fashion designers store (I actually don’t know as my DVR was going all 6’s and 7’s and was basically muting out every 5th word) and Caroline is channeling the ghost of Squiggy throughout this scene.  Apparently someone told her that slicking her hair back and leaving it wet was definitely the way to go.  5 minutes into it, it started to dry and she began to look like a dapper older gentleman with a receding hairline.  Good day fine sir.  I said good day!  It’s actually at this point where we all start to understand that everyone basically wants to shake Teresa like they’re a British nanny.  When Caroline tells her that Kathy stopped by for a visit, Teresa gets all pissed off and just keeps recapping the fashion show over and over again…to the point where Caroline has to actually tell her to stop saying the same thing and just listen.  That lasts for about 4 seconds and then Teresa just starts commenting on everything that Caroline is saying.  I love how they’re treating Teresa like she’s a 5 year old on a pixie sticks bender.

The one thing I forgot to mention since I was blocking out Jacqueline thus far is that she went to some crazy psychic who was doing shenanigans on the regular.  Jacqueline thinks that this psychic is dead on about her life but, let’s face it, I could be just as “dead on” since I watch this little show some of you may have heard of called “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”  The psychic is like, “I’m sensing your daughter may have gone to court for pulling out some middle-aged crazy b*tches weave…am I getting warm?”  The reading takes a turn because the psychic starts talking to her all about Teresa and what’s going on in her life.  I would have either billed Teresa for this reading or flipped over the Tarot card table and been like, “Does this remind you of Teresa too?!”

All the psychic work must have been worth it because Teresa has decided to write her brother a letter to try and clear the air.  She going to…um…er….uh….she’s going to write it?  Uh with, like, a pen?  And…um…on paper? Ouch.  Ok.  Sure.  She can totally do this.  I do believe that we live in a world where Teresa can write.  I’m committing to this thought.  But, for backup, Teresa decides to write the letter at Jacqueline’s house so that she can “help.”  Why do I have a feeling that this letter to her brother is going to be like Mad Libs and go a little something like this:

Dear POOP FACE,

I really miss your Gum Balls and hope that we can see each other soon and play FABULOUS just like we did when we were little BOOBIES.  I want to FART just like old times.

Love,
DINKY FACE

I had to admit, my scenario wasn’t so far off from the real thing.  It took Teresa a glass of wine and about 5 hours to complete the letter and even Jacqueline looked like she was ready to open up that safe of guns in her basement and just start shooting until all the bullets were gone.  Teresa didn’t really want to listen to anything that she had to say and at one point even said how she didn’t know why she asked her to help her since she didn’t really know their situation.  Fabulous! Also, bonus points for the kick-arse cursive that the letter was written in and the bubble letters on the front of the envelope.  Teresa is eternally 14 yrs old and, you know what, I wouldn’t want it any other way.  But, not for nothing, who writes letters like this any more?  I mean, even the skanks on Jersey Shore were advanced enough to at least type out their letter and print it.

In the end, Teresa ends up driving the letter over to her brothers house, but no one was home so she left it in the rod iron door…up high enough that I’m shocked her brother would even be able to reach it.  Melissa ends up having to read it to him because he claims that he’s still all pissed off…but I’m pretty sure Fantasia Barrino used the same excuse during her season of American Idol…if you know what I mean.  In case you don’t, I’m talking about being illiterate.   My guess is that if it doesn’t include pop-ups he may have a hard time with it.  For some reason Melissa seems like she’s trying to somehow mend fences now and is telling Joe #2 that he should give Teresa a chance again and talk to her.  We’ll see.

In closing, is it normal to always have the voice of Joe Giudice in my head when he was charging Joe # 2 at the Christening yelling “You sons-a-b*tches!”

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