Real Housewives of New Jersey: Calm and Cool as a Whistle (as the old saying never goes)

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I tell ya, these Sunday night episodes sneak right up on you like Melissa’s knitted berets from hell.  I have a feeling the inside of it smells like  Nutella stuck in Gia’s braces.  Anyway, this week is all about two things; Teresa trying to make peace with Melissa and Doozer and Caroline on the God-for-saken radio.  I’m not kidding, nothing else.

It’s finally time for Doozer and Tre-bagger to meet to discuss things like world politics, the economy, and poverty in Third World countries.  Oh, it’s not about discussing those things?  Oh.  Good to know.  They’re actually going to discuss things like redone houses and being fake.  Phew!  I was getting nervous for a second.  However, before they can even meet up, Doozer Gorga needs to try on a couple different outfits chosen by his wife.  Seriously, his clothes are so little.  I mean, they’re not petite or anything, but more like the size of the little fat kid that was in your 5th grade class.  You know, like a “Husky.”  And, in typical Doozer fashion, he’ll be sporting his starched button-down wide open collar with half tucked in and half tucked out.  It’s like 2006 has never left us.  And to top things off he’s has his gold cross hanging over the front of his shirt.  That thing is huge.  I mean, you could legit crucify Milania on it (only if need be).

Does Doozer use that colored hair spray that they used to sell in the early 90’s that helped blend in bald spots?  Because, I really think he does.  If you could pick him up (and I think you can) you could use his head has a Bingo dobber during the annual church’s Banging for Bingo charity event to raise money for the pedophile priests lawsuits.  The Bingo sheets may get a little oily, especially during the coverall category, but it’ll still be effective.  Moving right along.

Tre-bagger and Doozer meet up at Portafino’s, which is Italian for “The Guidice’s are coming so change out all the dishes and cutlery with plastic substitutes.”  Here’s the thing, they can’t just show up to a restaurant and start filming.  This restaurant needed to be booked and cleared by the producers, which means that I’m shocked that any restaurant would be ok with these two goons coming for a nice “talk.”  They should  have set up a table out back by the dumpster.  At least that way Danielle could have popped her head out of it every couple of minutes and told Teresa to pay attention, puh-lease.  Regardless, these two both show up and awkwardly chit-chat for about 3 seconds before jumping right into the letter and “the fight.”  I, of course, continuously yell “Throw a punch!  Someone, just throw a punch!”  but no one does.  I mean, I’m sure at home Milania is beating the bag out of the rest of the family, but if it’s not captured on camera then it doesn’t count.

Right off the bat, Doozer asks Tre what she is sorry for and what she has done to his family that she states in her hand-written letter.  You would think that he asked her how airplanes fly because Teresa is stammering and studdering all over the place.  I’m not kidding, she can’t answer the question.  They then get into a quick back and forth game of, “No you tell me” which is always fun to play.  I think the problem with these two is that they basically each have one point and their mind can’t think of anything else but that one thought.  During one part I’m almost certain that I saw Teresa’s brain short-circuit and smoke start to slowly seep out of her lower than usual hairline.

Teresa is trying to explain how this is basically all Melissa’s fault, but I don’t think that’s necessarily fair because she’s not there to defend herself.  I mean, it’s not Melissa’s fault that she’s on display, on display, on display, each and every day, every day, every day.  See what I did there?  For the record, I do think it’s Melissa’s fault, I just was setting up the joke.  Doozer, on the other hand, thinks that it’s Teresa’s fault because she used to always build up Doozer to Barney on the regular and that caused a wedge between Doozer and Barney.  It all got a little confusing because they both started to call their parents “Mommy” and “Daddy” and I started getting creeped out.  Plus, during his one on one interview, Doozer kept saying “wedged” and forming his hands into a pie shape to get his point across and, well, that made me want some pie so I left to go get something to eat.

Please note, this meeting scene was about 25-30 minutes I’m pretty sure which I’m fine with me because do you want to know what the rest of the episode basically consisted of?  Caroline doing her radio show.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some big-bad Caroline Manzo but the fact that all the other scenes was either on her on the radio, Jacqueline driving around listening to her on the radio, and Kathy literally folding laundry and listening to Caroline on the radio baffled my mind.  I mean, really?  Nothing else was going on?  Nothing?  At  one point I actually started wondering what Ashley was up to and longed for scenes with her nasty pink Meg Griffin hat.  Damn it, Meg!  Also, Caroline starting up the first few minutes of her radio show gave me high anxiety and three separate cases of secondhand embarrassment.  Plus, Lauren being there only made it worse.  I’m just glad we weren’t subjected to “Brothers Manzo.”  Please, Bravo, stop trying to make that happen.

Back to the real S-show. We’re now onto the discussion where Teresa brings up the Hallmark card with Melissa’s message that says, “Congratulations on your redone house.”  Who cares about this, really?  But apparently Melissa wrote that because before Teresa had said to Melissa about her new house, “You only finished your house in a year because you had a loan.”  Oh no she didn’t!  Wait, I don’t even know what that means.  Is that supposed to be an insult of some sort?  I guess anything can set these people off…like throwing away holiday cookies when someone is pregnant.  Damn Sprinkle-Gate 2009!  Tre-bagger finally tells Doozer (we’re still at dinner sans food) that she’d like to put the past behind her and just move forward and so Doozer tells her that she needs to talk to Melissa and their mommy (gross) to smooth things over.  Also, their hair is so God-damn dark.

Later, Jacqueline invites Teresa over to her house so that she can actually have some air time.  Teresa uses this time to air Doozer’s dirty laundry like how he’s been engaged 3 different times and how he met Melissa on spring break in Cancun (shocker) and then how she moved in to his house after just one month.  Basically, Tre thinks that Melissa is a gold digger.  She actually says, “She’s a gold digger, you know, like that song?” Oh Tre, you better pray you sell more cookbooks and stat!  My favorite part, per usual, is seeing the pictures of Melissa back in her spring break days,  Without a doubt, she was doing $2 dollar sucky sucky just to survive.  She legit looked like a ‘tute and I’m pretty sure had way bigger boobs than she does now.  And the way that her eyebrows were drawn in with a thin-tipped Sharpie is just bonus at this point. Jacqueline suggests that Tre-bagger call Melissa to set up a meeting and they can do it at Jacqueline’s house because, you know, that makes no sense at all.  I miss Dina.

Meanwhile, Doozer, Melissa, Kat and Mort are all heading over to their accountants house for dinner (like people usually do) and they decide to trash talk Teresa on the regular.  For some reason the accountant wife is throwing her two cents into the mix about how she doesn’t really like them and how Teresa never RSVP’d to her daughters birthday party and just didn’t show up.  I don’t know why this b*tch is complaining.  The alternative is that Teresa would have shown up with all her screaming kids, so count your blessings.  Then the accountant husband brings up Teresa’s financial issues and about that random auction that was supposed to take place over all of Tre’s stuff.  What a jerk.  I found myself yelling at my TV, “Oh don’t worry, you’ll be next buddy!”  Leave Tre alone.  I seriously don’t want her to lose that house.  I love that damn house.  I know one day  that I will be invited there and Gabriella will give me a tour via a moped.  Also, I’m team Tre.  There, I said it.

In the end (because this episode was boring) after Caroline tries to instruct Teresa on what to say and how to act when she meets Melissa (sidenote, Teresa looks like she wants to backhand Caroline) she tells Caroline that she’s “cool and calm as a whistle.”  Yes, because we all know how cool and calm whistles are.  They’re actually known for being calm.  You know how those rape whistles are.  So easy breezy.  Right.  Melissa shows up to Jacqueline’s house and she and Tre sit in a private room to hash things out.  We only get a small taste of the conversation, but we’re filled with many facial expression from Tre that all say one thing, “Huh?!”  Next week we get to finish this conversation and go to the Catskills with Teresa and crew where she’ll start firing off guns.  Ole!

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