Real Housewives of Dirty Jersey: Hairy Grills and Ferarri Thrills

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Well folks, it’s week three of “Does Gia Have Her Period.”   Spoiler Alert:  Not Yet.  However, RHONJ will be sure to keep us posted on all the necessary details.  The conversations that take place on camera about this 12 year old girl are so creepy that I’m pretty sure just watching it means that you must, by law, register as a sex offender and introduce yourself to your neighbors before the sun goes down.  Errr, I mean I heard that’s how it works.  To be clear, I’m not Diddles McTouch-Bum.  But let me just introduce myself to you all anyway.

This weeks crapisode mainly consists of two things.  Gia’s (z-snap) 12th birthday party at the kind of place that has so many moving lights you’re sure to seize on the regular and trying to figure out how many days it really took for Melissa to go visit Tre’s dad in the hospital.  Truth be told, I don’t trust any of these Italian subs with numbers.  I have to admit I’m happy that we’re seeing a lighter side of Barney Rubble this season.  I think it’s nice that his future cellmate/boyfriend is going to know all about him before he even has to check in for jail time.  Barney takes Gia out for ice cream so that he can talk to her about sexual intercourse and smoking in between us having to watch ice cream get wedged in between Gia’s braces.  I give this girl a lot of credit for putting her awkward years on national television.  And by that I, of course, mean I couldn’t care either way I’m just thanking my sweet nino Jesus that it’s not me, as my awkward years ran from 11 until about 20.  Luckily that timeframe isn’t important for your social life.  Anyjunk, Barney is talking to Gia about boys asking her out and wanting to kiss her and Gia is basically reacting like Monica during the Friends episode when they take a trip back to her teen years and she’s getting ready to go to the prom with Rachel and Chip.  I’m not sure if there is something beyond secondhand embarrassment, but if there is we’re all in this together.  Just be sure to turn your head the other way if we ever walk by each other on the street and pretend we never witnessed any of this.  Oh, and since Barney is the role model for all things “health” he makes sure to get in the message that smoking is bad for you.  I wonder if Bravo edited out the scene where he gave Gia advice on not creating a fake ID when your license is taken away and also how to run from your crashed car to your friends house and take some shots before the cops come over to inquire why your automobile is getting to 2nd base with a mighty sequoia.  Eh, I’m sure we’ll see it in the deleted scenes.

I actually felt really bad for Gia until Barney brought up the fact that she needs to spend more time with her sisters instead of her friends and Gia comes clean that Milania says really mean things about her body.  I assumed maybe she called her pancake boobs or the like but, nope, not Milania.  That little bucket of national treasure apparently told Gia that she has a “hairy grill.”  I can’t.  Barney is all like, “Da what does dat mean” and they cut away before Gia uttered the words “boxed-lunch.”  Somewhere driving in a Ferrari, Rosie is getting lady-wood.  Yep, so there’s that line I tried not crossing.  Eh, I’m keeping it.  I love all things Rosie.  I love how she took the male version of Audrina Patridge for a driving lesson in Saul’s Ferarri and I love how she flipped off people on the road, called them dicks, and talked about how all the girls would basically be lifting up their skirts so that his beaver teeth could meet their mother.  Does any of that make sense?  I’m sleepy pants.  But Rosie really puts a little pep in my step, a smile on my heart, and oddly enough an obscene amount of gas in my bum-bum.

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Moving right along.  In even sadder news, Captain Nono was rushed to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe and Teresa is really upset about it all.  In order to comfort her, Joe is sure to tell her that one day her dad isn’t going to come out of it and won’t make it home from the hospital.  Tre starts to cry small beads of spray-tan and Joe just goes, “What are you gonna do?”  I hope he gives the eulogy…via satellite from the state penitentiary.  As all of this is taking place we’re lucky enough to see some middle-aged woman jazzercizing in front of cameras.  Melissa seems to be having no trouble at all with the class, but Kathy on the other hand looks more like she’s doing Whitney Houston’s signature dance moves from her “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” video all while her muppet hair is flopping in the New Jersey breeze.  To sum up, it’s a dream come true.  The only thing that was missing was Rosie doing the worm across the screen singing, “My neck, my back, my….and my…”  Well, you know how it goes.  Why they can’t just “Promise of a New Day” video the hell out of Kathy for this show is beyond me.  If it worked for Paula Abdul circa 1991 it can work for anyone on the Bravo network.

By the way, I think I’m correct with my prediction a few weeks ago that they’re going to edit Melissa into looking like a lying trash box covered in glitter and sprayed with J Lo’s Glow.  Kathy is asking about why Melissa hasn’t gone yet to see Captain Nono in the hospital and Melissa is telling tall tales about how she has a sore throat that comes and goes.  Um, I believe in New Jersey that’s diagnosed as “Whore Voice” and is not as contagious as one might think.  Perhaps it’s an old wives tale (which I legit thought was “old wise tale” until about 2 weeks ago), but they say you can contract Jersey Whore Voice by bobbing for apples in the lap of a homeless man in the back of a 7-11 on free Slurpee refill day that takes place during summer solstice.  Look it up in your World Book encyclopedia for further information.  Either way, Kathy kinda almost mutters under her utters that Melissa wasn’t sick, but it was like, “Uh she can hear you.”  Something tells me Kathy isn’t going to be the Jill Zarin in a Countless LuAnn De Levorced music video that will be filmed in Atlantic City at sundown…if she keeps up this kind of behavior.  Meanwhile, Jacqueline (who earlier is excited about the Michael Jackson tank she bought for her son to sleep in) is late for the gym and talks about her fear of driving…her fear of working out in front of people, but oddly enough she never mentions a fear of horses or neck fat surgery.  Sometimes it’s like I don’t know her at all.  They all spend the time making fun of Teresa’s skinny friend, Linda, by…wait for it…wait for it…calling her “skinny.”  Ouch.  That hurts.  If it’s one thing I will not tolerate is calling in shape people who work out at the gym, skinny. I simply won’t stand for it nor should you.  You can tell I’m mad by my use of the word “nor.”  I know.

Don’t feel bad for the girls talking about Linda behind her skinny back, however.  That is because she is calling Teresa as we speak (while Tre is having coffee with Kim D, both equally dressed like Ke$ha backup dancers) and makes sure to tell Teresa who was at her gym and then finished the conversation by calling them all fat asses.  And in case you were concerned by my lack of Caroline recap this week, it’s simply because she spent most of this episode in her driveway talking to her sister Frannie about where the pig will be residing during its stay at her house.  This needs no further explanation.

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It’s finally the moment we’ve all been faux waiting for.  It’s the day of Gia’s 12th birthday party.  First she has to get her hair done at the Jersey salon, which I assume will consist of rubbing an entire anitpasto all over her head and then tying fresh pieces of mozzarell into her hair for curls  That is how they do it there, right?  Eh, that’s what I picture so it must be true.  Gia, per usual, is ready to murder suicide this whole show especially when Tre is asking her what she thinks about Zio Joe not coming to her party and how that makes her feel.  I like when Teresa plays show producer.  It’s almost as good as when Kim D does it at the end of the episode.  All the girls are getting their hair done whilst Gia yells, “Maaaaaaaaaaa!” at Tre, but Milania takes the cake by ending the scene stating that she likes older men.  Someone keep Richie away from her.  Merv the Perv.

In the end, Gia’s party has officially turned into My Super Sweet Sixteen, but with like way more hair gel and gold chains.  It’s like an indoor flea market with strobe lights and a birthday cake with what I’m pretty sure is an artistic rendering of a vagina on top of it.  For real, rewind that sh*t and freeze-frame it.  You’ll thank me later.  I guess Tre realllly wants that period to start flowing so that Gia can finally stop messing up the family sauce.  Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, Melissa shows up with her kids to the party, but Doozer can’t make it because he’s been peeing out of his arse for basically a week.  Valid excuse.  For reasons that only Bravo knows, Kim D is there and is giving Melissa the third degree about which day she visited her father-in-law in the hospital.  There seems to be some issue around what took place on the 4th day.  I mean, who really cares?  They probably just needed to yank the mortadella out of this pacemaker and send him on his way home.  Plus, I’m pretty sure Milania wins $100 bucks if he kicks the bucket by season end.  Even Tre starts confronting her about this and you can almost tell that Melissa is backtracking.  And, since I’m sans life I recalled that Tre’s mom called her earlier and said that an ambulance took him to the ER in the middle of the night, but then Melissa said Doozer had to drive him there.  The point is, why are adults drinking in a side room at a 12 year old’s birthday party?  Right?  Melissa doesn’t like having to do math on camera so she ends up taking her kids away from the party right before it’s time to cut the cake.  That’s cool.  I mean, I hear 5 year old’s hate birthday parties and especially can’t stand eating cake.  Moreover, why was Melissa listening to her own song in the car on the way to the party?  I’m almost certain it got no radio play, so stop blaming your navigation because that b*tch only says, “recalculating route” and seldom sings a dance track.

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