RHOBH Recap: Kim is Ornery…Ornery Sauced.

rhobh kim richards ornery real housewives of beverly hills drunk 2015

Well look at us.  Back together.  For the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Now I haven’t recapped a RHOBH episode in a while as I had a firm stance on the show not being worth while anymore once Kim sobered up.  Personally, I feel like a life of sobriety is one lacking bad decisions and, therefore, should truly be called into question.  However, my friends (oh yeah), I have decided to dust off the RHOBH recap this week as Kim was, well let’s just say, Kim was acting super season 1 and 2 and ba da ba ba ba I’m lovin’ it.

The entire episode, really, was all about how strong Kim was with staying sober even when her own sister planned a wine tasting for her and her closest friends.  Kim was forced to sit at the bar and basically drink a slurpee all whilst the other women tried to use their over inflated lips to test out the latest wines and pretend they weren’t all rusted out dumpsters at the same time.  I jest.  Their dumpsters are not rusted out, as they are paved in gold.  I felt bad for Kim a little because it seemed unfair she’d have to film scenes at a wine bar and pretend she wasn’t foaming at the mouth.  At one point I thought she was going to start swimming in the wine barrels like Scrooge McDuck swimming through all his gold coins.  You remember the scene.

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I do have to give Kim credit though.  And while I don’t believe Kyle intentionally planned a wine tasting I’d watch my back if I were her.  If I were Kim I’d set up the next “outing” at a Super Cuts and be like, “Time to trim that mane down to something a horse would be comfortable with.”  Or, you know, something like that.  It’s also important to note at this point that Brandi is officially another nationality entirely.  This could, however, benefit her if she decides to compete in the upcoming Olympics.  Which country will she represent? Only time and her face will tell.

Sidenote, how much does Lisa Vanderpump hate being on this show?  For real you can tell she can’t stand one more minute of this. I feel bad because it’s like she barely wants to have full on sexual intercourse with Giggy anymore.  Although those scenes of her “home videos” shot whilst on her own personal vacation were telling.  As the text from my sister immediately stated, “So, what planet is Lisa Vanderpump vacationing on right now?”  Creeptastic!

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But let’s get to the real reason why we’re all here.  Kim Richards.  Now look, I don’t want to say that someone’s sobriety is funny or a laughing matter…which I’m pretty sure is the same thing as funny, but I do want to go on record stating that I wish her to remain as sober as she wishes to remain…but if she wants to, you know, test the waters I’m happy she’s doing so whilst on camera.  Things really took a turn when it was “poker night” at Eileen Davidson’s 1980’s home.  First off, I actually really do like Eileen.  A lot.  She’s refreshing in a “I’m just supplementing this show with my soap opera so I can eventually get a clothing line on QVC” sort of way.  But I do have to say that I want Eileen Davidson and her home to know that they’re both on a national television show and I want Eileen Davidson and her home to start acting like it.

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Anyjunk, Lisa Rinna is the goon who’s stuck picking up Kim Richards in her limo so they can head on over to the poker party from hell.  Within seconds something seems off.  And by that I mean, why is a car service picking up Kim?  If I had a sober friend (which, sadly, does not exist in my life) I would require them to drive everybody all the time.  Second off, as soon as Lisa Rinna gets in the car Kim just keeps slurring, “Ornery..I’m ornery.”  I found myself standing up in my living room, slow clapping and fighting back tears saying, “Have at it Kim, have it at!”  I mean she wasn’t even trying to pretend things were fine.  And my hats off to Lisa Rinna, who WITHIN SECONDS, says, “Have you been drinking?  Are you taking drugs?  Are you drinking?”  Bravo (literally) to her.  I must admit I always kinda thought Lisa Rinna was a Hollywood disaster and I would find myself embarrassed for her, but I have a new found respect for her since she joined this little dog and pony show of a series.  For real, she’s down to earth, owns her sh*t and is probably the most likable and, dare I say, “real” housewife on this show.  See what I did there?

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At one point, Kim just basically turns on Lisa Rinna and is like, “Don’t f**king feel sorry for me, Lisa!”  when Lisa say she feels bad that Monte is dying.  No joke, for 5 minutes I was like, “Is Monte Kim’s dog or no?”  Lisa explains what’s happening in this scene perfectly during her 1 on 1 interview where she simply states, “It’s wackadoodle time.  It is wack-a-doodle-time.”  Good for her.  Within another few seconds Kim decides she wants to get “back to work” and maybe start acting again.  Does she not recall she’s on a little show called The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and she’s filming it right now?  Either way, Kim isn’t sure what she would do for “acting” but decides she’d like to play the roll of “murderess sexy.”  No for real.  I can envision Kim waking into an audition and is all like, “Hi I’m Kim Richards and I’m here to audition for the role of ‘murderess sexy.'”  I don’t even know what that means, but I applaud Kim for her bravery.  Later Kim starts “act fighting” with Lisa Rinna in the car and Lisa is freaked the F out.  She has no clue if it’s a joke or if Kim is actually going to murderess sexy her to death.  The bottom line is that nothing good happens to Kim Richards EVER whilst in the back of a limo.

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After Kim continuously calls Lisa Rinna “disgusting” over and over and over again in the back of limo and Lisa gives up and gives this look out the window that really explains exactly where her head is at during this scene…

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…it’s time to enter the poker party.  Kim is bubbly and full of life and at this point I also assume she’s full of gin.  The best part, of course, is that Kim is sitting at the poker table with her cigar like she’s Allison Dubois and, by God, I truly wish she was there too.

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Kim isn’t making much sense in anything that she’s saying and Kyle has that look on her face like her hidden sex tape just leaked.  Kuddos (or ka-dooz) to Eileen Davidison for saying to Kim what we’re all thinking, “I’m not sure what’s going on right now.”  Through the grace of God, Kim keeps winning hand after hand all whilst Brandi is seated next to her looking like she too is sauced.  At one point Kim is flicking her cigar around and looks at Kyle and just says, “Jealous?”  I mean, it’s like we’ve all hit the jackpot.  After a little bit Kyle finally has enough and goes to the bathroom because she’s too embarrassed of Kim’s behavior.  Kim follows her in and Kyle tries SO HARD to not have the microphones pick up what she’s saying.  However, they do.  And we know that Kyle asks Kim if she’s drunk, been drinking or on something.  After a few “no’s!” from Kim she finally admits that she’s in pain and so Monte (the dog?) gave her a pill…but then she changes it to “the doctor” gave her a pill for the pain right before she left the house.  I wonder who prescribed the pappy van winkle then?

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In the end, Kim tries to leave and Brandi is walking her out the door like her bodyguard.  Kim decides to come back inside to say goodbye to everyone and grab a slice of pizza for the road (as you would) and while Kyle tries to talk to her on her way out, Brandi gives Kyle “The Heisman” and knocks her down the stairs.  Sure it was just two or three stairs, but still.  Kyle looks shocked and starts to cry a bit.  This argument is taken outside and Brandi is all in her face.  She decides she’s not going to fight on camera and walks away all whilst Brandi is yelling to Kyle that she’s never been there for Kim.  We then get the good old “to be continued.” Bring it!

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