RHOBH Recap: A Drunken White Woman Gets Racist in the Pool

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Stamp your passport and clean up the beav because white women are going to Palm Springs for a relaxing weekend on Joyce’s dime.  Before we can depart, however, we’re forced to watch Brandi give us a heads up about her next book that, per usual, deals with sex.  I wonder if she gives women tips and tricks on how to have their husband cheat on them with a washed up country singer that has mole-like features?  I’m sure it’s in the epilogue.  Show of hands, who even reads the epilogue?  I mean, look who I’m asking.  Let’s just assume if you’re reading this here trash-dumpster site the only books you probably have on your nightstand is Llama Llama Red Pajama.  Don’t worry, I have it too.  Although I don’t have kids, so things just got real creepy.  Speaking of real creepy, Brandi is interviewing her friends on what they like to do during sexy times.  This is where I witness what I can assume is the first African American person on the show!  For those of you playing at home, please put a red chip on your BINGO card.  It’s seriously insane that the entire cast is white.  Well, except Joyce which we’ll get to in a bit because, like, I have a ton of questions.  Anywhitetrashwithmoney, Brandi discusses her love of getting choked and playing the two-finger game.  By the way, there was zero doubt in my mind that Brandi liked to get choked during sex.  I wouldn’t even be surprised if she required someone breaking a wooden chair over her chest during climax.  Also, is the 2 finger game like the five finger discount?  Regardless, unless you’re married and trying to have a baby you should not be having sex!  Haha imagine?  Oh the Bible.  So cute.

For reasons explicitly outlined in their contract, Kyle and Carlton go shopping together before the big Palm Spring getaway.  Between Kyle’s man hands and Carlton’s alleged penis it’s like Russell is coming back to the show.  I’m not quite sure what I meant by that, but all I know is that someone is going to have to explain a black eye to their friends in the sewing circle tomorrow!  Instead of just, you know, shopping Carlton decides now is as good a time as any to tuck her ding-ding in between her two broomsticks and confront Kyle about absolute ridiculous crap.  This includes:  Kyle asking Carlton if she was a witch, Kyle walking away from Carlton during her witch story, and Kyle talking about Lisa’s nipples at a party.  It’s the oldest story in the book, really.  What’s so ironic, you guys, is that my friends confront me about these same exact three things.  Strange, right?  It’s like I’m a wicker too, you know, meaning I follow any religion that utilizes wicker furniture in Boca Raton churches.  Applause for Boca!  Kyle  tries to apologize but you can tell even she’s over this already.  Why can’t Bravo tell the newbies that randomly confronting people on camera over ridic crap won’t get you on the show.  It’s like Joyce and that argument with Lisa a few weeks ago about her hair.  Yawnerooski!

Fast forward a spell or two and the white women all safely make it to Palm Springs.  Of course we have to worry about who is going to get which room, etc.   Who cares?  I’d sleep in the limo, but would require that it was left on and in the garage with door closed…then I’d just wait for sweet release.  I believe it’s around this time where Brandi first starts calling Joyce “Jacqueline.”  Apparently this will soon cause quite the scandal.  The only thing I hate about her calling her by that name is that it reminds me of Jacqueline from Real Housewives of New Jersey and, well, she’s just about as pointless as this one is.  Before you know it all the white women are lounging by the pool and bored out of their minds.  Therefore it’s officially time to pressure Joyce to get her ass into the pool, which she declines over and over again.  Apparently it’s “ladies days” for Joyce and she just doesn’t want to go in.  For reasons that I can’t comprehend this is the straw that broke Yolanda’s lyme diseased back.  She can’t seem to understand why Joyce won’t go swimming and repeatedly informs her that she’s the “hostess” and needs to.  For real, who gives a 2 finger sh*t?  If I were there I would actually ask Joyce not to go in the pool as you can only imagine the amount of stray hairs that would be wrapping around my arms, hands, necks and, perhaps “ding-a-ling” if I was sans-suit.  Plus, if Kyle went in too you know someone would end up coming out looking like Cousin It. Hashtag Addams Family Jokes.

Brandi is already getting drunk (as she should) and explains that she calls Joyce “Jacqueline” because it’s an old lady’s name…like her grandmother.  That’s a nice way to say thank you for the free trip and accommodations.  Joyce barely breaks her pageant character once except when Brandi says the one thing the shocks everyone.  After Joyce says she actually can’t swim, Brandi says, “Oh you’re a black person.”  Ouch.  Brandi tries to explain it away by saying that her black friends would have thought that was funny because…wait for it…they don’t like getting their weaves wet.  I mean.  Now I’m not sure how many stereotypes we’ve just covered here, but I’m sure if we hit 2 more the Taco Bell dog will go running across our screens.  Joyce has had enough of the drunken racism game and covers up and heads on out.  During her one on one interview Joyce says that as a Puerto Rican woman she is proud that she is part black.  Now here’s my own ignorance, but is that a real thing?  Like are all Puerto Ricans also black too?  Also, too? And too, also?  For real, I had no idea.  I just assumed it was like when people say all Sicilians are crazy.  They’re not all crazy.  I jest.  They, of course, all are.

Later, Brandi tries to make more of a story-line by saying that she and Carlton kissed the other night.  Not shocking.  I hear by the season finale Brandi tries to get into an MTV 1998 Daytona Beach Spring Break Triple Kiss.  Groundbreaking.  By the end of the episode all the white woman are fighting again during dinner over Brandi calling Joyce “Jacqueline” and pretty much being a hot drunken mess.  Joyce says reality tv’s favorite new buzzword “bullying” so please place another red chip on your BINGO card.  Kim has no clue what’s going on so simply asks Lisa to explain and Lisa looks at Kim like she’s back on the sauce which, truth be told, I wish she was just a little.  Like season 1 drunk, not season 3 drunk.

Next up, Brandi is saying that the name Joyce is gross and sounds like something a fat woman would be called.  She was close, but I think the name she was looking for in that instance was Bonnie.  Either way, this is the perfect time for Yolanda to bring up something from the Reunion episode, you know, 1 year ago.  Joyce tries to chime in, but Yolanda won’t have it and then Yolanda and Kyle spend the next 5 valuable minutes fighting over whether or not they’re actually having a conversation with each other.  Meanwhile Brandi is slurring up a storm and, well, now I can’t wait to see what will happen next week.  Maybe Joyce will get in the pool?!  Excitement!!

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