Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Psychic Medium Allison DuBois’ Electronic Cigarette Should Be the 7th Housewife

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There’s nothing I like better than strolling into my apartment with a strong after-work buzz on just in time for the Real Housewives of Beaverly Lakes, especially when they’re at Camille’s dinner party and the booze I drank makes me feel like I might in fact just be at Camille’s dinner party too. Spoiler Alert: I may or may not have started an argument with Kim and Taylor during dinner as well.

So this whole crapisode is basically about the dinner party from hell.  Ole!  Sure there was a quick scene of Lisa Vanderpumpernickel driving with her husband whilst wearing some kind of top hat and, sure, there was a scene of Adrienne’s husband with a broken nose after their 4 year old literally jumped on it whilst wrestling, but other than that the main focus was on Camille’s wonktastic fiesta.  How does that old saying go? While Kelsey’s away Camille’s eyes will play!  Yes, that’s it.

Right off the bat you know things may not go as smooth as planned when Camille and her other sidekick friend (Plainy Plainenstein) won’t stop talking about Allison DuBois being a physic medium in which the television show, “Medium” is based on.  And less important, how Patricia Arquette plays the role of Allison.  Wow.  That’s about as cool as a fart in a heatwave.  Is Patricia Arquette the one who chopped off her ding-dong and spouted knockers?  It’s hard to keep up.

Once the girls arrive to the party (2 hours late) the real fun begins.  First off they’re all drinking martinis in glasses that you could actually bathe Jiggy in and, in fact, I’m pretty sure they did. Oh, and Kyle brought her friend Faye Resnick who may or may not be walking sex.  After everyone sits down at the table for 10, Allison DuBois is already (allegedly) sixteen sheets to the wind.  She’s rambling on about being young and how since it’s a ladies night out and Saturday night they’re supposed to be bad not good…and then she “cheers'” herself.  Adrienne is the lucky one who gets to sit next to her looks like she’s about 2 seconds away from ripping out a strand of tinsel from her own weave and strangling Allison DuBois, but then again she is a psychic medium so she probably knows it’s about to happen.  Blonk!

Next up, it’s time to take another random sharp left turn because Camille wants to know who Kyle’s friend Faye is and while Kyle is answering how she is a close family friend, Camille wonks right in and says, “Oh now I remember who Faye is.  I saw her naked in Playboy after the OJ trial.”  Ah yes.  I mean if this night couldn’t get anymore crazy we’re now tossing in a naked skankasaurus rex and an alleged murderer/football star.  I mean, the only thing that could make this night crazier would be if Lilith was serving them dinner while all this was going on.  Camille lets Faye know that she really like her spread and all the girls have a nice chuckle over it because, you know, they’re sluts.

We also learn that Camille posed for Playboy years ago (and that’s where she met Kelsey) and just when I was wondering if her boobs were as wonky as her eye we sadly discover that she only posed in her lingerie.  Thanks for the buzz kill.  Womp womp.

Next up, Allison DuBois saves the day again because apparently she’s that creepy person who stands at the kiosk in the mall “showing off” how they’re standing there smoking a cigarette or an insane cigar, but then they let you know it’s just an electronic cigarette.  You got me!  I’ve always wanted to know who the type of person was to actually buy one of those electronic cigarettes and, well, now we all know.  Allison (inhale, exhale whilst blowing out smoke) DuBois.

Everyone wants Allison to start giving them a psychic reading, but no one more than Kyle.  I figured she just wanted to know how much longer her hair can get and if she would eventually wear it all on the left side and down her shoulder vs. to the right side and down her shoulder, but apparently she wanted more.  In Allison’s defense (because she’s a psychic and can probably find me through this blog and kill me) she did say she didn’t want to give anyone a reading that night because they may not want to hear what she has to say, but Kyle insisted.  So basically Kyle’s reading was that her husband will never emotionally fulfill her and when their kids are bigger they’re realize they’ll have nothing in common.  I guess it wouldn’t sound so bad, but after Allison drops the bomb she ends it with, “Know that!”  Your husband is going to divorce you so, KNOW THAT!  Is “Know That” the new “Blonk!”  I hope not.

And then…it’s time to talk about the New York fight again.  I can’t.  For some reason Faye is getting involved in the whole NYC fight and if Allison was really a good friend of Camille’s she would have known about the fight and blah blah blah.  Allison kind of gives Faye a little dig when she tells her that she can leave “the party” by saying “you have two legs…the last time we checked” (inhale, exhale whilst blowing out smoke) and then she does this side glance like she’s smelled something on fire in the kitchen.  First off, the possible smell of something on fire is, most likely, Faye’s loins.  Second, was the whole “last time we checked” comment supposed to be a dig on Faye’s Playboy spread?  If so, I’ve never seen it, but I knew she had legs because I saw her walk into the party.  Duh.  (inhale, exhale whilst blowing out smoke)

No one seems more embarrassed than poor (yet rich) Adrienne.  She sitting there looking like she can catch “white trash with money.”  Finally after Kim and Taylor go at it about complete stupidity, Taylor jumps up and starts screaming enough! enough! enough! similar in the way that I assume she says it when Russell tries to have sex with her.

The “ladies” finally leave, but not before Kim thanks Camille for having them and then stumbling into a table in the hallway.  Drunk much (inhale, exhale whilst blowing out smoke)?

In the end all the ladies go home in one limo and send Kim in another limo by herself.  Meanwhile, Camille insinuates that Kyle’s husband cheats on her because when Allison DuBois (inhale, exhale whilst blowing out smoke)states that he loves his nannies, Camille says “he loves more than just his nannies…he loves all women.”  Oh not she didn’t!  Although let’s take that insinuation with a grain of salt mainly because Camille couldn’t remember that whole “fool me once” saying…so she just gave up mid-sentence.  Know that!

(inhale, exhale whilst blowing out smoke)

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