Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Happy 100th Birthday (?) Beverly Hills. Here’s to Another 5.

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Obamacare, shmobamacare!  All that matters is that the Real Housewives of Beaverly Lakes is back!  If you think your 1% raise from last year increased the quality of your life that’ll all be put in check when you’re forced to watch scenes with rich women complaining about trust issues all whilst sporting clothes that cost more than your child’s first 10 years of life.  I mathed it out, so trust me.  It is.

It seems like this show has been off the air forever.  Or perhaps I just blacked out Q2 and Q3 of 2013.  Look at me using business terminology.  I feel like doing taxes!  I was looking to see where Taylor and Adrienne were this season, but then I remembered they were sh*t canned and not asked to come back.  Either that or the ghost of Russell came back and brought the both of them back into the glossy pits of hell.  I’ll go with the later.  I’ll also go with a ladder.  Anynose, this season we learn that Kyle and Lisa are the new Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel but, you know, with real money and much longer hair.  Either way I’m starting a prayer circle in hopes that someone will ask what the other person thought of the potato latkes.  While things may be a bit different, one thing is exactly the same.  Kyle’s hair is still too long for a woman her age.  In fact, it’s too long for anyone of any age.  Even the homeless keep their hair in better check than Kyle.   Plus, it’s getting a little too close to her coochie crack so you know there’s a sanitary issue in the works.  I feel like the ends of it are soiled with pee pee and poo poo.  Or “poo pee” as some people in some circles call it.

Kyle’s business is up and running and doing really well.  People can’t seem to buy enough of her crap so it’s great she’s ordering one item at a time.  I wish she’d go on Shark Tank.  I jest.  I wish she’d be put into a shark tank.  Moreover, as they’re filming in her store some random dude with a bad dye job and potential hair plugs enters and claims he’s from the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce.  Kyle looked like she was about to short circuit and quickly looked around to see if there was anyone she could blow to get her out of this situation STAT.  She has no clue what the Chamber of Commerce does, but she did know that Beverly Hills was celebrating their 100th anniversary.  I’m sorry, what?  100 years of what?  Of, like, being founded?  According to my McCall Crabs, Columbus discovered The America in 1492.  You mean to tell him (let me check my math) it took someone 17,054 additional years to make it to Beverly Hills?  Was the city like just one giant bar of gold before this happened?  Either way, I feel as loopy as Kim Richards from Seasons 1-3 trying to figure this out.  So I’m just going to move on.  On the spot Kyle joins this band of goons and decides to throw a cocktail party to welcome everyone and will have Lisa’s restaurant cater it.  Looks like the “synergy” is happening already!

Meanwhile, Kim Richards appears to no longer be a luke-warm mess, which really is a tragedy all in itself.  She barely has a storyline so we have to watch her try to train her dog that looks like it’s about to jump through the screen and attack me.  It can sense I’m nervous via the airwaves.  Seriously, that dog is a killer and you know it.  And I’m sick of those groups trying to say dogs like that are so sweet.  Yeah, they’re sweet until they turn on you and eat your face.  A chimpanzee is attacking my friend!  So save the hate mail because I don’t care.  Moving on.  Kim is looking better and more boring than ever.  I request a slight relapse.  Nothing serious, but just something that makes  me feel like the sober one in the room.  Perhaps she can cut up her dogs heart-worm medication and snort it and the like?

Other things are happening in this crapisode like Brandi leasing a home.  Now don’t go all crazy and actually buy one, just lease it.  Hashtag lame.  Oh, and Yolanda may or may not be recovered from her battle with Lyme disease, but she has enough energy to stand in the desert during her daughter Gigi’s (I know) photoshoot.  If she didn’t get Lyme disease up until this point, I’m sure the desert did her in.  In other news, Brandi’s legs are actual sticks.  That is all.

Fast forward to the Chamber of Commerce cocktail party and my heart squeals with delight.  Who the hell are all these people?  I mean, everyone looks equally crazy, but not that scary crazy like on the streets of New York.  More like, “I have so much money that my eyes bug out and I smile constantly” crazy.  I guess I’d be in constant shock too if I were so rich.  I have more of the “I’m poor” sidemouth look.  Eh, to each his own.  The cast of Vanderpump Rules (that seem to never be at Sur any time I’ve ever been there.  Ever) show up to cater this party and make sure they’re getting as much camera time as possible.  This reality show crossover is like when Laverne and Shirley were on Happy Days.  Also, F you, I’m old.  Brandi is sure to call out the fact that Sheena has a grey and purple tooth, but she explains it away that she go into an accident, knocked out her two front teeth, and then had to face 6 hours of surgery to replace her teeth.  I mean, I’m sure it was 45 minutes of tooth surgery and 5 hours and 15 minutes of breast augmentation.  I have to admit I’ve been doing lots of math in this here blog post.  I’m sweating.

La fiesta is going off without a hitch and we’re introduced to two new housewives.  One, named Joyce, will be playing the role of Sofia Vergara.  She needs to hop on a plane and parachute out over the Real Housewives of Miami.  The other new housewife is named Carlton and is a witch.  I mean, why the hell not.  She has three kids and their names are Destiny, Mystery, and Cross.  Ugh, she named them that on purpose just so people would have to react oddly every time she brings up their names for the first time.  Hashtag attention whore.  Ironically, I’m pretty sure Mystery and Cross were the two original members of Destiny’s Child that got kicked out…most likely because they couldn’t run in high heels whilst Matthew Knowles forced them to sing Bills, Bills, Bills all throughout the neighborhood in the middle of the summer so they could up their endurance on stage.  It’s the oldest story in the book, really.

I must admit, I’m into this whole witch storyline and I say that as I would prefer not to have a hex put on my house.  I’m sure after Lisa brought up Mauricio’s cheating rumors to Kyle on camera that a house shall be falling on her shortly.  Somewhere in a twin bed she’s sharing with her mother in a trailer park, Kennedy is taking notes.  I don’t need to explain that last sentence any further.  Just get what I mean.

I’m really hoping this season is filled with fights and money and maybe a nip-slip or two from Giggy.  Unless someone’s husband is planning on beating them and then taking a dirt nap, it’s going to  be tough to top the last few seasons, but something tells me throwing a witch into the mix may move things right along.

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