Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Adrienne Has a Different Catholic Religion Than the Rest of Us

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I may not be fully up to speed on all the controversy around this season of RHOBH, but if I’ve been understanding things correctly Bravo has decided to air this new season even though Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse are both currently dirt-nap status.  Apparently the rest of the cast is not allowed to listen to “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” or “Valerie.”  Also, I have no idea what I’m talking about.  Alas, RHOBH is back so just in case you actually felt like you might have been doing a little bit better financially over the past year, you can now go back to feeling like you’re poor white trash.

We kick things off with that “special” new taping on August 29th that Bravo has been talking about all week.  Everyone goes over to Maloof’s compound so they can all talk specifically about how Andy Cohen murdered Russell Armstrong in cold blood.  Everyone is there, of course, except Taylor who is still in seclusion and focusing on explaining to her daughter exactly what has happened.  Perhaps a Ouija Board will be necessary.  I mean, come on, you mean to tell me I’m supposed to not even reference the fact that Russell is MIA and I’m not allowed to make even one joke?  Sure, it’s not funny, but if you were coming here to read a thoughtful take on suicide you have certainly come to the wrong place.  My thoughts on suicide?  Don’t do it.  It’s not nice.  Oh, and I’m pretty sure Santa Christ and Jesus Claus hate suicide more than I hate all things Kardashian and, trust me, that’s a lot.  Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Was it just me or were all the “ladies” kinda making it seem like they had nothing to do with it and were totally trying to distance themselves from this whole Russell situation?  If I were Camille, I would have been like, “Well Lisa, you kinda did talk a lot of sh*t in your interviews about Russell so do you think you’re going to get charged with anything?”  Or perhaps the blame could have been on Kim and she could have been told that he was trying to symbolize what “The America” was feeling every time we had to listen to another God-damn story about that dreaded Return to Witch Mountain.  I mean, the blame game could have gone on for the full 42 minutes.  I should produce this show.  And I’m not trying to be a jerk, but you mean to tell me Allison DuBois and her electronic cigarette didn’t see any of this coming?  I mean she was pretty sure she knew how Kyle was going to die and what will happen to her kids, but there was no “beep” on her psychic machine about anything going on with Taylor?  Interesting.

Now that that’s over, I must admit I got a little nervous when we were kicking the actual show off with Lisa’s daughter, Pandora, getting her hair done at the salon.  If it’s one thing you know I hate about any of the Real Housewives series it’s when they focus on the children (with the exception of Milania, of course) but then I found myself thinking that watching anyone who has large sums of money at any age is fine with me.  And, not for nothing, but how white trash do the “Brothers Manzo” seem after just simply watching Pandora and her boyfriend, Prince William, for about 2 minutes?  More importantly, why is Pandora only getting her hair colored and no one will mention that one giant curl that used to sit on top of her head last season?  They should have burnt it off with a torch to teach her a lesson.  I also want to go on the record stating that it’s hard for me to make fun of people who have so much money because I find myself actually liking these them.  I may need Taylor’s therapist.  Anyhalfasnookipoof, Pandora’s boyfriend heads over to Ken’s house to ask permission to marry his overly rich daughter and get some of that damn money.  Ken approves and all is right with the world.  Cha-ching.

However, things can’t be all bad accent and giggles because we must not forget about the feud between Kyle and Kim from last season.  If you recall, Kim got trashed on the regular and started a fight with Kyle about stealing her house and the like.  Kyle called Kim and alcoholic and left her in the limo to cry like a skittish little rabbit with rabies and a bad hairdo.  Now we get to see a lot of tears during their one-on-one interviews especially over the fact that their mother (who is no longer living) will be very upset with them for barely talking to each other.  Well now they have two dead people pissed at them.  Their mother and Russell.   I mean don’t think for one second he’s not coming to haunt the sh*t out of those two for talking crap about him on the regular.  I’m not going to be surprised when my bed mysteriously catches fire in the middle of the night and I start puking pea soup either.  These are things to be expected when you’re a bad person.  I truly hope that these two can work things out so that one day they can both have healthy discussions on how their hair is much too long for women of their age.  Also, Kyle and her family are moving to a new house. I’ll just assume that wherever this new house is, it was originally Kim’s.

To quickly catch up on Camille, she’s still totally bitter from Kelsey leaving her and getting a new “girlfriend” immediately.  In fact, the new “girlfriend” already packed up Camille’s crap from their Hamptons home and shipped it to the giant estate she lives in in Beaverly Lakes.  I’m not sure how “upset” Camille can really be as she’s passed Go and collected $50 million from Kelsey during the divorce.  I mean, and the best part is that she doesn’t have to be married to Kelsey Grammer anymore.  Win-win?

All things are normal between Adrienne and her husband, Paul, this season.  And by “normal” I of course mean “they still hate each other on the regular.”  I had to admit, I do love me some Adrienne.  I also like the fact that she’s committing to the Christmas tinsel in her hair all year round.  If this was any other housewife in any other series they would have been selling that on QVC right now and recording a song about it, but Adrienne clearly doesn’t need another penny and that’s what I like about her.  That’s kinda what I like about all these women, none of them really need to do this show and basically just want it for the attention and if it’s one thing I love in a person it’s being shallow and self-centered.  I try to live every day of my life this way.  Also, if I could live in Adrienne’s house for just one day I would probably give money to charity.  Just putting it out there.  Anygarland,  I think I found our unsung hero this season and it is, of course, the Maloof’s chef, Bernie.  Bernie visibly hates Lisa Vanderpump  for making a snide comment about his food at one of their last parties.  No joke, Bernie can’t deal with Lisa at all. In fact, later, he actually wants the kitchen doors closed when he hears Lisa enter the house.  His attitude is filled with lots of eye rolls and sighs and you know we’re only a few episodes way from a couple of “Girls!” and “B*tch please!”

The remainder of the crapisode focuses on the dinner party that Adrienne is having for all of the “ladies.”  For sure, the best part for me was how each “lady” walked into the house wearing the same color blue dress like they were going to be doing one of those group suicides sporting purple Nike’s and thinking that they’re going to ride a spaceship to heaven and then suddenly Kim walks in.  Right off the bat you knew it was going to be good because she is wearing what I can only assume is a black silk bedazzled cowboy outfit.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  Then it gets better.  The “waiter” at the door offers her a glass of champagne and she breezes by it saying “no thank you” and then you can totally catch that she looks to the side and rolls her eyes like she thinks she’s being set up.  No really, rewind it…or catch it the next time Bravo plays this episode 348 times over the next 6 days (322 of those times will be between Saturday and Sunday).  And Adrienne looks like she can “catch crazy” when Kim goes to give her a hug.  She just keeps saying “Oh wow” as she stares at the bedazzling around Kim’s cowboy costume.  I love how Adrienne is always ready for the Prom.  Also, if you’ve sadly been reading this blog for the past 5 years (first off, sorry) then you know that I hate animals.  Hate ’em.  But I have to admit that I kinda like Adrienne’s new dog.  I would consider getting one of those but I’ll just assume it’s a special breed of dog that comes from the seamen of one of the Apostle’s pets that has been frozen for thousands of years.  I let out a little chuckle when Ken, during his interview, was talking about how other dogs don’t really like Giggy because they’re jealous of his “clothes” and his “beautiful face.”

Well it wouldn’t be an episode without suffering from secondhand embarrassment so it only makes sense that everyone watches Camille’s cameo on “Sh*t My Dad Says.”  I love how they’re even referencing this considering the show was canceled before they even got to roll the opening credits but, regardless, we’re watching it.  Camille basically makes fun of herself on the show and isn’t horrible, but the “ladies” are doubling over laughing like Lucille Ball came back from the grave and is performing her candy factory skit on the set of Xuxa.  I got real embarrassed and actually looked away from my TV…but it was then that I realized that Adrienne’s home theater is actually bigger than my entire apartment.  Adrienne, can I live with you?  Please?  You won’t even know I’m there.  I’ll just live blog you in the corner of your “living room.”

Later, the dinner takes a bit of a dramatic turn when Adrienne and Paul have a fight in front of everyone over giving their toast.  I’m not sure I was following along over how the fight started, but I’m pretty sure it was because Paul jokingly threw a napkin on the table.  I have no idea.  All I know is that it got almost as awkward as the time that Taylor was deep throating cotton candy at the table.  I wasn’t sure what the big deal about the toast was until I realized it included a prop.  The prop, you ask?  It was a legit olive branch that fell in Adrienne’s front yard (also known as the state of California) and so during her toast she was extending that olive branch to all her “friends” in hopes they can all get along.  That was nice.  I mean, if Adrienne wants to hire me to simply hold that olive branch in her front yard and pretend I’m a tree for 12 hours a day, I accept and when do I start?

More drama ensues when Taylor starts talking about how she basically lead Russell to his death she and Russell are in therapy to save their marriage.  I know it’s not just me who’s thinking, “Well, I know how that turned out.”  Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, everyone has their own opinion of therapy…and religion apparently because Adrienne informs everyone that she and Paul are Catholic and as part of their religion they’re required to go to therapy before the church will marry them.  Oh, also, that’s not true.  I too am a Catholic (diddle free) and they don’t make you go to therapy before marriage.  Although, I like this Catholic religion that Adrienne speaks of.  I like anything that Adrienne does as long as she’s in her Prom dress and slapping at Paul.  Anymadeupreligiousrules, Ken, out of left field, says that he thinks that going to therapy is a sign of weakness.  This makes Taylor have to excuse herself and go cry in the bathroom until Kyle comes to rescue her.  Next thing you know, Lisa busts in on the bathroom party and knows that something is up, for sure.  I, however, am more interested in the fact that the bathroom is like a fancy restaurant bathroom and not like a normal house bathroom. I wanna see where Adrienne takes nasty tinsel-laced dumps.  Just me?  Moving on.

In the end, Kyle comes back to the table and Ken starts the first official “sass-off” of the season and starts to lay into Kyle for saying that Taylor was “offended” over what Ken said about therapy.  Ken is pissed at the word “offended” the same way that I’m pissed over Kyle’s hair being down to her ass, but that’s another story for another time.  Kyle tries to change the word from “offended” to “hurt” but Ken won’t let it go and Kyle starts doing the “Jaleesa” head bob and telling Ken to relax.  For some reason she’s placing a ton of extra emphasis on the word “Ken.”  Who knew Ken would be a little sh*t stirrer,  I like it.  Taylor comes back to say that she was bothered by the comment and that’s the cue for Lisa and Ken to peace on out of the dinner party before they catch Taylor’s financial misfortune or forehead, for that matter.  I kinda wish Kim was drinking during all of this.  Hmmmph, maybe next time?  When does she call that chick a “slut-pig?”  Can’t.  Wait.

Like the RHOBH and these recaps?  If so, click the “recommend” button and share it with your friends.  If enough people are into it, I’ll continue recapping the piss out of it.  If not, I’ll be enjoying my free Monday nights.  Spread the word!

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