Real Housewives of Atlanta: Sideboob is the New Butt Cleavage

RHOA-kim-dancingRHOA-nene-cynthiaRHOA-phaedra-side-ponytailRHOA-kim-zolciak-no-makeup

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  • When I walk into a room, I’m ho’in! (credit: my sister who sent me that text message)
  • It’s the week of Christmas and not only am I back in Boston for about 3 weeks and trying to gas up my Tivo (I have the original and you start it up the same way you start up a lawnmower) at my parents house, but I’ve been praying to Jesus Claus that this would be a special holiday crapisode of RHOA where maybe Phaedra’s mother dresses up like Santa and continuously pops up in the corner of the screen chanting “Ho Ho Ho.  Mmmm Hmmmm.”  Alas, this does not happen so we’ll all have to settle for dinosaurs.  I’ll get to that in a second.
  • Sheree’s dead behind the eyes daughter is moving in with her boyfriend (the one with “that” tooth) since she has finished college and is back in Atlanta.  Therefore, Sheree is promising to buy her daughter a couch and only a couch.  Now if this was Teen Mom or 16 & Pregnant you totally know it would be one of those puffy leather couches that is a staple in all of “the poors” homes, but since this is Hotlanta and “you gots to get da money, honey” Sheree will be purchasing a tight leather couch and I’m not trying to use “cool lingo” I actually mean tight leather.  Like pulled tight.  Hmm how to I explain this? Tight.  Um.  Oh!  The opposite of Kim Zolciak’s “gentlemen greeter.”  And there we have it.
  • What kind of furniture store is this?  Sheree decides to surprise her daughter and basically furnish every room for her.  She names like 15 things she wants to get and I thought the total was going to be like $57,094 (of course I was totally yelling “$1 dollar, Bob” as the sales lady was totaling it up), but instead it came to around $7,000…which is still a lot of money but still.  More importantly I could care less about any of this.  Blonk!
  • Meanwhile, Cynthia is dragging NeNe around the place where she and Peter (AnnaMae you better scat AnnaMae!) are going to get married.  Spoiler Alert:  It’s at a dinosaur museum.  Oh, and they’ll be exchanging vows directly underneath a Tyrannosaurus Rex, which to my dismay was not just the bones of Tyra Banks.  Tyra.  Oh, and Tyra.  Seriously, my 4 year old niece would love this wedding.
  • After the tour of “Night at the Museum” Cynthia and NeNe talk about Cynthia’s “friendship contract.”  I can’t believe grown women are actually talking about this and keep saying “friendship contract.”  I also can’t believe this is supposed to make for good television.  Unless Cynthia leaves Peter at the alter (and ends up singing What’s Love Got to Do With It) I’m predicting Andy Cohen is giving her the boot for next season.  Personally I think they should get another white chick, preferably with a wig, that can give Kim a run for her money (can’t buy you class, my friend).
  • Kandi’s in the studio.  This is usually when I zone out, but this time around I got a great idea.  I’m a little apprehensive about sharing this idea like I did with my “Teen Mom” game for the Wii, but I’ll share it regardless.  So, Kandi should consider putting together a group as opposed to going solo.  She should grab a random girl from Escape, a random girl from SWV, Spinderella, one of the 3 girls that got the boot from Destiny’s Child, and that one chick from City High.  Who’s with me?  You’re welcome Kandi.
  • I forgot which order this part was in, but how awesome was it when Kim had to “sing and dance” BOTH at the same time!  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  She looked like a deer that was just hit by a car during a snowstorm on the highway whilst in heat.  Doesn’t get any better.  Kim did GREAT with holding the microphone and she almost remembered to point to her finger every time when the lyrics where “the ring didn’t mean a thing.”  And then when she was “singing” about “looking around” she actually crouched down a bit and then put her hand over her eyebrows like she was looking for a lost kid in the mall.  I love the literal interpretation.
  • Kandi looks like she’s ready to Shasta McNasty right then and there having to watch Kim for ten minutes.  I guess Kandi is upset because Kim is more interested in getting her mic stand bedazzled (no joke) and thinking that she’s miraculously going to get the dance steps once she puts her “outfit” on.  However, I think Kim really eases Kandi’s fears by repeatedly telling her “I got you.  I got you.”  Gulp.
  • NeNe is trying to book some “talent” for her gig at her random news show.  She’s calling publicists that she knows to see if they can get her Jay-Z.  Yeah.  No.  And after they shoot down Jay-Z she asks about Toni Braxton.  Really?  Is Toni Braxton the next person you think of after Jay-Z?  That’ like being, “Can you get me Angelina Jolie? Oh. You can’t?  Well then how ’bout Jodie Sweetin?”  I mean, I would, of course, ask for Jodie Sweetin first, but that’s me.  I just have mental problems.  Like, bad.
  • Sidenote, did NeNe’s son’s friend look like Shecky Zolciak with short hair?  Be kind, rewind..and respond.
  • I’m really loving when Phaedra comes on the scene.  This time around Phae Phae is rockin’ the side ponytail.  And, to top it off her side pony has a big red ribbon in it.  Is that like tying a string on your finger in order to remember something?  Like, the red ribbon in Phae Phae’s side ponytail is to remind her that she has a baby?  Likely.
  • Kandi fills in Phaedra that “Miss Kim” was talking about her and her due date and blah.  I think, I think Phaedra is trying to make fun and talk trash about Kim to Kandi but it’s kind of falling short.  She just keeps saying “I have a husband…this baby is born in wedlock…Kim needs to stop worrying about me and worry about her dating a married man…I’m married….I have a husband…I’ll pull her wig off…my baby doesn’t need a wig.”  Each time I wanted to cheer for Phae Phae but then when she came out with each insult I was deflated and was like, “Wait.  Huh?”  She should have tossed in a Mmmm Hmmmm because that probably would have saved it a bit.
  • Well, well, well.  Looks who’s back from the dead?  It’s Dean, Kim’s stylist!  And this time he has grown out his hair long and, apparently, added moose (the size of a dime) to his wet hair to really make some of the curl crackle in the sweet Atlanta air.
  • In case you don’t remember Dean, he’s the guy who speaks. so. slow. and. in. loooooong. drawn. out. pauses.
  • Oh, and Dean is the one responsible for keeping Kim looking like she slid right down the pole and walked right out onto the street.
  • According to Dean, “sideboob is the new butt cleavage.”  Well, now that’s a sentence you don’t hear every day.
  • Kim states that “there’s a fine line between style and trashy.”  Yeah, it’s the same line that Kim tries to find and walk on after 6 iced-down white wines.
  • I love how Shecky Zolciak and her sidekick are trying on all of Kim’s clothes and, literally, slapping and pushing Kim’s boobs…like, for sport.
  • Surprise!  It’s time for Sheree’s daughters surprise house-warming party.  Yeah, she seemed like she couldn’t have cared less that her mom bought all the furniture for her.  I actually think I care slightly more than she does.
  • Meanwhile, Cynthia booked a runway show in Miami and has to let the designer know that she may not be in “two-piece” bathing suit condition, but she can probably handle the one-piece.  Oh, and don’t worry about Cynthia though because she also let the designer know that she’s going to throw up all the food she just ate so at least she has that going for her.  Somewhere staring into a mirror and smizing, Tyra Banks is shaking in anger over Cynthia’s comment.
  • It’s finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for and by “we’ve all” I really mean “me and my 3 other personalities.”  It’s time for the spa day with all the “ladies” where we get to hear Phaedra tell Kim she doesn’t bring up the fact that Big Papa’s house is in foreclosure and Kim tells Phaedra that she doesn’t bring up the fact that her husband is a convict.  Well played Kim, well played.
  • First, however, is the fact that all the women show up to the spa day without any makeup on and, well, I don’t want you all to think less of me than you already do but I have to say that Kim looks the best without any makeup on and actually looks about 10 years younger and I’m not even kidding.  Ok fine.  5 years younger.  But really, she looks way better.  Seeing Kim go without makeup on gave me another brilliant idea.  Know how they have “celebrities” do that Peta ad for “I’d rather go naked than wear fur?”  How about if Kim did one where the ad was, “I’d rather go wigless than wear fur?”  Seriously, I’m not joking…I just surprised myself with what a good idea that is.  This one’s on me, Peta.
  • The conversation starts to take a left turn when they all decide to plan a random bachelorette party for Cynthia in Miami and Phaedra volunteers to call up some of the male strippers she knows who can “give themselves head.”  Kim looks jealous because I bet she can only lick the tips of hers and only some of the time.
  • Ugh.  Christ.  Now they’re talking about that friggin’ “friendship contract.”  Kim is getting all involved in it saying how freaked out she was over Cynthia’s terms in the contract.  Well if that isn’t the wig calling the contract black, I don’t know what is.  I also don’t really know what I meant by that but I find it nearly impossible to mention Kim without mentioning that fireplace broom on her head.
  • Once that dies down, Phae Phae decides to confront “Miss Kim” about talking about her unborn child and blah.  It’s great to listen to Kim defend herself about being a registered nurse and Phae Phae wanting to “see that documentation.”  Why does Phaedra never call things by their actual name, but only by description?  Either way, good stuff.
  • And I don’t know if I’m fully convinced that Kim is a nurse.  I feel like there’s some catch.  Like maybe in high-school she really liked the girls mom who was a nurse and came in and gave speech on “Career Night” or something.  We’ll see.
  • Finally that spa lady comes in for the 15th time (after having to serve Phaedra water and listen to grown women fighting like school girls) rolls her eyes a few times and ends their argument.  I’d love that lady to come into some of my work meetings to end those early too.  Is she for hire?  And I only mean that in the most legal way possible.
  • When I walk into a room, GRANOLA!

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