Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: The One With NeNe's Drive-By Daddy

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Sometimes watching Real Housewives is like looking into a crystal ball of The Hills if the crystal ball was a dumpster and The Hills was watchable television, which is sorta is depending on how many Bud Light’s w/ Lime your stomach can handle.  I’m not sure what any of that meant, but I’ve decided to add The Real Housewives of Atlanta into my mix of shows to watch/recap this week.  I regret it already.  Maybe Andy Cohen will read this and hire me for something.  Maybe I’ll be a guest on this show.  Or maybe I’m destined to poorly photoshop pictures on my blog.  Eh, done and done and done.

  • “If It Doesn’t Make Me Money, I Don’t Do It” ~  We’re in a recession and prostitutes makes money so, well….lather, rinse, repeat as needed.
  • “I Don’t Keep Up With The Jones’, I Am the Jones'” ~ If you’re the Jones’ I’m the Kennedy’s.
  • “In Atlanta Money and Class Do Give You Power” ~ Apparently there’s a rolling power outage at Kim’s house/duplex.
  • “People Are Intimidated By My Success”  ~  If by “people” you mean “viewers” and “intimidated” you mean “horrified” and “success” you mean “personality” then “yes,” “yes,” and “yes.”
  • “I’m An Independent Woman Doin’ It For Myself” ~ And the money too a little bit.
  • That concludes the opening credits….let’s get onto the show.
  • If there’s two things you can count on this season it’s Kim drinking her wine and Sheree talking about her clothing line.  For some reason Janet and ChrissyKim and Sheree are planning on throwing Kandi a surprise engagement party at the same place that Sheree called Kim trailer-trash and tried to pull off her porn wig.  Ah the memories.I’m sure Kandi has always dreamed of having her engagement party thrown by two random chicks she just met and is contractually obligated to hang out with for televisions sake. Anytrash,  Janet and Chrissy Kim and Sheree head up to the roof of where this “stagedgagement party” is going to take place, which overlooks a parking garage and has $7.99 Christmas icicle lights from aisle 5 of Walgreens wrapped around the railing.  They then begin to get educated on what a surprise party is by informing each other on such things as “getting Kandi to the party without her knowing,” “get everyone to the party,” and “yelling surprise when she walks in.”  Phheeeew!  Thank Santa Christ they had that run-through or the party could have been a complete disaster.
  • How come no matter what the event/party is over the past 2 seasons, Sheree needs to inform everyone what the event is and what the overarching theme is.  She’s always like, “This is an engagement party and it’s all about happiness.”  Or, “This is my independence party and it’s all about positivity.”  How about, “This is a lightly-scripted reality show and it’s all about brain rot.”
  • NeNe, her uncle, and her writer are heading to Athens, Georgia to see where NeNe grew up (loudly) and to meet her Aunt who raised her. I get a little lost during their car ride because I finally realize what NeNe reminds me of this whole season with her new hairdo.  Ok, so remember Weebles?  You know, those little round people that you would play with when you were little?  Yeah, those.  They all had that plastic hairdo that never moved, but looked like you could just pop it off.  Well that’s what NeNe reminds me of.  A Weeble.  NeNe may wobble, but she won’t fall down.  You’re welcome.
  • NeNe is now explaining to us that where she grew up was very rural, although she’s actually saying “rule.”  It’s very “rule.”  I’m originally form Boston so I’m glad I don’t have an accent and mispronounce words.  I rural!
  • Ok so the part that I’m pretty confused over is the whole NeNe and her mom situation.  Apparently whilst growing up NeNe lived with her Aunt, while NeNe’s real mother lived in New York City and worked until she could “get on her feet.”  That all makes sense.  However, we then see the house that NeNe’s real mother bought in Athens when she had enough money….which consisted of this huge home with white columns that would probably sell for at least $650,000 in today’s market.  So what did she do to “get on her feet,” invent White Out?
  • As a sidenote, NeNe’s writer’s name is Denene, which I believe is Spanish for “Of NeNe.”  Ole!
  • Meanwhile, Sheree got her She delivered and decides to show her friend all of her samples.  After equal praise, Sheree decides to try them all on because she’s a “perfect model.” No joke, she legit said that.  Why wouldn’t she have her friend model it who, you know, is an actual model.  That’s like hanging out with Julia Child and having the milkman make dinner for the both of you.  I mean it would be crazy if you were hanging out with Julia Child because she’s dead, but you get the point.
  • Kandi, her um..er…ugh…eeesh….errrr…..ummm….ex-fiance (?), and her mom all decided to go to group therapy together.  This scene is a huge fail, excpet for the fact that Kandi’s mom gets to say her favorite line, “you got 4 different baby mamas.”  I’m pretty sure Huggies gives her money every time she says, “you got 4 different baby mamas.”  Anyway, I think this situation will soon take care of itself.  Too soon?
  • It’s the night of Kandi’s “stagedgagement party” and Kim invites her friend over to fit her for a new wig.  Kim is dressed in a Christmas carolers choir robe with her rack hanging out and her wig-makin’ friend is dressed like the grandmother from The Cosby Show.  At any moment I’m waiting for the Cosby kids to start lip-syncing old songs on the stairs and little Rudy to start belting out “baby, baaaaaabbby!”
  • Grandma Huxtable wants to give Kim a whole new look and provides her with a brand new wig.  The camera crew (per court order, I assume) does not film Kim taking off her old blond wig and putting on her new, completely different, band new wig.  She’s like the new Jan Brady!  She is just wearing the same wig, right?
  • We also learn that Kim wears one new wig per day.  So she buys 30 wigs per month and, therefore, spends almost $12,000 on fake hair each and every month.  Kim is spending more money on wigs per year than the average married couple with two incomes will make in 2 years in Georgia.  See you in hell Kim!
  • Everyone shows up for the stagedgagement party, which I will now only refer to as “The Party With the Worst Toasts EVER!”  Kandi’s mom is asked to give the first toast to the engaged couple, but she makes Kim go first.  Kim’s beautiful toast starts with “You know they talk sh*t about my man too, like they do you.”  Awww that’s sweet.  Next up, Sheree’s toast to the couple consists of her mentioning her own marriage…and divorce.  Wonderful.  Finally, Kandi’s mom’s toast touches on her wish for that it “works out for Kandi” and they’ll just have to “wait and see.”  Brilliant.  It would have been nicer if they all just poured their drinks over them, kneed him in the nuts, and slapped Kandi in the face.
  • Dwight heads over to Sheree’s to check out her She before the fashion show.  Honestly, Dwight scares the crap out of me.  Like, if in the middle of the night I woke up and saw Dwight standing in the middle of my apartment in a suit I would jump out of my 30th floor window.  He’s like the grim reaper to me.  I’ll need to watch a cartoon before I got to bed tonight.  Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
  • In the end, after NeNe and crew leave her Aunt’s house, her uncle gets a call from NeNe’s alleged dad-of-the-day and he wants to see her, but not inside his house….somewhere in front of it.  To make things even stranger the plan is to drive by her alleged dad, stop up the street, have her uncle get out, walk back down the street to her alleged father and see if he still wants to meet her.  Huh?
  • Well he does want to meet her so NeNe and the get-along-gang walk over to see him.  He won’t stand up to greet her because his legs hurt (something tells me if he is her real father he’ll be getting some new gold-plated legs soon).
  • NeNe thinks her alleged father looks just like her own son.  In all fairness he also kinda looks like Droopy the dog, too though. What? I’m just sayin’ that maybe she’ll want to give a DNA test to Droopy too just to cover all her bases.
  • After a quick crazy-train conversation between NeNe and her alleged dad they decide to talk at a later time because her alleged father doesn’t want to talk in front of “The Bird.”  I assumed he was talking about Larry Bird, but I didn’t see any old white dudes standing in the background.  I soon learn that “The Bird” is her uncle and her alleged father doesn’t want to answer her questions in front of her uncle…who is actually not her real uncle because her uncle is actually Curtis’ brother and Curtis isn’t her real father, but her mom (not her Aunt) claimed that Curtis was her real father and now this other dude is claiming that he is NeNe’s real father.  Ugh.  I have no idea.  I can’t keep up.  It’s like trying to put together a family tree after it was hit by a hurricane.
  • My blackened heart actually starts to feel a little bad for NeNe because this was all so awkward and she seemed so uncomfortable.  But, well, then I remembered that she was rich and was on a TV show so what more do you need in life, really.

THE END!

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