Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Just Add Sugar

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  • When I walk into the room, I OWN!
  • The adventures of Kim and Sweetie continue.  In this latest adventure they’re trying to get into Kandi’s house and we learn the differences between how black girls and white girls knock on doors.  They’re actually at Kandi’s house because she’s filming her latest episode of “Kandi Koated  Nights” or something like that, which is a show about sex and Sweetie thinks her sex show is on PBS.  Yes Sweetie, it is.  Kandi’s show is sponsored by Trojan and the numbers 6 and 9.
  • Kandi Koated Nights consists of her and 3 friends sitting on the couch with their laptops on TV trays and they talk about sex.  Basically they’re the new Salt N Pepa.  I would think that her show was a big yawn fest until Kim sits down and they immediately ask her if she has beef curtains.  I’m sorry, what Internet channel is this on?  Because I’m going to try and hook up my DVR to it.  Kim pretends that she doesn’t have beef curtains (as did LC circa 2005) and has the prettiest little vaginastein that money can buy.  I was waiting for NeNe to come busting through the wall like the Kool-Aid man and scream out, “Now THESE are beef curtains!” but, alas, she didn’t.
  • Speaking of NeNe, she finally gets her bandages off her nose and we get to see it in all it’s glory.  As much as I want to make fun of NeNe for all her surgeries she totally owns what she has done and lets us know that if she wants to get another surgery one day she’s going to.  She ends her interview by saying that she may even get a penis enlargement which, ironically enough, I totally believe.  I’m pretty sure she and Dwight swapped privates years ago.
  • So is anyone going to mention that during her “one on one” interview when she’s wearing the silver shirt you can totally see her nipple area through her shirt and, well, they’re basically the size of cake plates.  I’m surprised Bravo didn’t blur that out or photoshop in Andy Cohn’s head.
  • Why am I really digging the Atlanta cast this season?  No really.  I feel like last season I was over all of them and now ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ them.  Even Sheree.  She seems more fun this year.  Maybe she’s finally getting some nasty boom boom.  And, she’s even a little funny.  Well, she’s funny for Sheree.  She probably has a writer working with her for her interviews.  Either way it’s working.  However, most importantly does Sheree’s daughters boyfriend have one pink front tooth?  Or is it just a dead tooth?  Per usual I am on bad teeth patrol.  It’s like, dude, you’re on national television…at least use White-Out on it.
  • I love when Sheree says “50/50”  It’s times like that she reminds me of when Whitney Houston was doing interviews under the influence of a variety of drugs (allegedly).  She says it like “fitty-fitty” and her upper lip quivers.  I’m waiting for her to say, “Where are the receipts? Show me the receipts, Diane.”
  • Phaedra is pretty much the worst, yet everything around her and everything that she does makes her interesting.  In this scene Phae Phae has a photographer come to the house (Spark St. Jude) to take pictures of her being pregnant so she can document this time in her life.  Apparently she isn’t aware that this television show she’s filming it also documenting her life with “movable pictures” and “sounds.”
  • Clearly she took a page from the Snooki playbook  because she’s decided to sit her fat ass on her deck stairs and eat pickles out of a giant jar while she gets her picture taken.  Where to begin?  She’s basically going to 2nd base with these pickles and then her husband joins in on the fun and they both suck the same pickle.  This is what I assume goes down on a regular basis at the Travolta household.
  • Every time Phae Phae has that look like she’s smelling sh*t on her upper lip all I can hear playing in my head on a loop is Lil Kim singing “…girls makin’ faces like Ace Ventura and my B – A- D, G-I-R-L-S is in the stretch LX…”
  • It’s date night for Sheree!  She heads over to some random “apartment” that Dr. Tiy-E is staying at.  Apparently he’s cooking and, well, he’s making Sheree cook too.  I’m guessing she doesn’t like this as she is looking into the camera and making faces every time he asks to help cook.  Then it gets really gross.  He wants her to lick cookie dough off his thumb.  Nasty.  Dr. Flava Flaaaaaav must have forgot that there are cameras on him and you’d think he would be used to cameras in his kitchen as I’m pretty sure he’s appeared multiple times on “To Catch a Predator.”  Why don’t you take a seat over here and tell me what you planned on doing with that box of condoms and 6 pack of wine coolers.
  • Breaking News:  I kind of want to see “For Colored Girls.”  I’m psyched that Phylicia Rashad is in it.  And you know that if Nell Carter was still alive she’d be in it too.  That is all.
  • Awkward Alert!  I’m not sure if I’m comfortable listening to Kandi’s daughter (who apparently is Bobbi Christina?) try to sing “I Rise Above All the Drama” which originally was sung by Kandi last season.  Ironically she already sounds better than Kim so, well, there’s that.  She’ll be on iTunes tomorrow and I’m sure make more money in one day than I’ll make in 10 years.
  • To spice things up, NeNe and Cynthia head to the lingerie store to try on some bras in front of the camera.  Even though NeNe got her boobs reduced (to an F) and some lipo on her stomach she is still a big woman who’s large and in charge.  Somehow Cynthia is a 32D which doesn’t look right to me.  She kind of looks like t*ts on a stick next to NeNe who looks like a double popsicle.  I believe NeNe sums up her “situation” when she says, “nipples high, pointing to the sky.”  I’m sure somewhere in the background Kim was writing that down and trying to put it to music.  Look out for “Nipples High, Pointing to the Sky” to be performed live on “Watch What Happens Live” next Monday.
  • There’s a big Mother’s Day party (?) at Cynthia’s house because apparently that’s what you do in The Atlanta.  Anycrap, NeNe talks about her multiple surgeries for a minute or two and then things get a little strange when Phae Phae tries to convince everyone that she’s due at the end of July/beginning of August, but is going to deliver the baby at 6 or 7 months.  None of this makes sense to anyone and Sheree hit the nail on the head when she said “B*tch, you don’t know when you got knocked up?!”  She also has no idea how many months pregnant she is.  She looks 10 months pregnant, if that helps her at all?
  • Things take a more interesting turn when all the “ladies” start to talk about “da sex” and Kandi starts providing tips and tricks on placing one pinch of sugar to their “gentlemen greeter.”  Now since Phae Phae is a southern belle, she prefers to use powered sugar downstairs for reasons that do not need to be discussed on this here blog as I no longer want an NC-17 rating.
  • It’s at this time that NeNe lets us know all the items in her kitchen that she will not place up her Hoo-Ha-Hooenstein.  These items include:  Kool-Aid, Candied Yams, Peppermint Candy, and Pancake Syrup.  The More You Know (cue the shooting star).
  • In the end, Cynthia’s husband basically tells NeNe that she’s “got a lot of sh*t going on” right now because she’s dead in the bed when it comes to her marriage.  Kandi’s mom really brings the party down by telling NeNe that if she could do it all over again she would have left her husband and how she wasted the majority of her life not being happy.  Womp Womp.
  • I really missed Kim this episode.  Hell, I even missed Sweetie.

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