Real Housewives of Atlanta: Phaedra Hates Her Baby.

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Yeah, so, well sorry this recap is a little late. I could come up with a million excuses, but let’s just say that I ended up seeing “For Colored Girls” on Sunday night and, uh, I haven’t been the same since. All I’ll say is that basically I live in fear that Whoopi Goldberg is going to chase me around my apartment with oil and tell me I’m going to hell. So, basically, the norm. Anyway, here’s what went down on The Real Housewives of Not For Colored Girls:

  • When I walk into the room, I OWN…
  • Looks like someones 7-figuh settlement has finally paid off!  Since Sheree is such a hard worker and humanitarian (like myself) she has decided to treat herself to a brand new Aston Martin.  For those of you who aren’t in the know, an Aston Martin is basically the spinoff of the 1999 Kia Sephia, I believe.  Yes, I just checked my set of World Book Encyclopedia’s and I am correct.
  • Why does Sheree always ask and answer her own questions in the one on one interviews?  She’s like, “Do I want to downsize?  No.”  Or, “Is it time for me to do me?  Yes.”  Or, “Do I think I deserve this?  You bet.”  It’s like, Sheree let the producer ask some questions too.  Geesho!
  • Sheree takes her daughters out for a spin in the Kia and puts on her driving gloves, that I believe Snoopy is looking for so he can man is plane, and screeches down the street whilst screaming “Ride or die, baby!”  I remember my mom lovingly saying that every time she drove me and my sister to school when we were little; “Ride or die, babies!  And don’t forget your lunch!”
  • Speaking of money being pulled out of fat asses, where the hell is Kim still getting her money from?  Kim redecorated her office and put up pictures of herself all over the wall.  However, don’t make any comments about that to Kim because she said she has a special message for you, which is, “Eat sh*t and die.”  Is that like Eat, Pray, Love?  I’m confused.  All I know is that Kim’s parents are in this scene and if I ever wanted to see Guy Smiley and Janice from the Muppets come to life, which I do, it’s actually happening.
  • Since by looking at Kim you know she exudes elegance and style, she’s also decided to remodel her littlest daughters room too, Shecky Zolciak.  Shecky loves her “big girl room” but her older sister Kaitlin (Rick! Rick! Rick! from SNL) is all pissed off that she has to live in 2000 sq feet of “little girl” room upstairs.  I’ll settle this for the both of you.  You are all going to hell equally.
  • As the train-wreck continues to kill passersby in this episode we’re now onto the “surprise” engagement of Cynthia and Peter.  NeNe is in charge of sprinkling rose petals all over the house and then Peter kind of gets down on one knee and is like, “yeah, so marriage…or no?”  And Cynthia basically is like, “oh ok.”  The “crowd” in the house is sitting there kind of confused and I’m pretty sure Whoopi Goldberg is hiding behind my couch right now.
  • This was the best/worst marriage proposal I’ve seen since Gary asked Amber to marry him on the beach in Florida and Amber yelled at him for not asking right.  How all these people are getting married and I’m typing alone in my apartment speaks volumes and, well, I want to put that crap on mute.  See what I did there?
  • Oh, so you know who’s probably going to end up leaving her baby at a Chuck E. Cheese’s when he’s 6 months old?  Yeah. Phaedra.  She, per usual, is the worst.  Good God I use a lot of commas.  It’s exhausting.  Anyphaephaefaces, Phaedra lets us know that that her baby is “ready to climb out of my vagina.”  So precious.  Just like it speaks of in the Bible.
  • Phae Phae is so phucked up.  She’s more concerned about her Peg Bundy lingerie that she’ll wear at the hospital than, you know, taking actual care of her baby.  Then she starts talking about the putting 50 cents and an elastic around the baby’s waist to help with his belly button.  Honestly, I have no idea.  Later she’s talking about penis ointment.  Now I remembered why I used to drink on Monday nights.
  • Sheree is practicing her for Dancing Stars of Atlanta charity dance.  Thing.  She is actually the worst.  She makes Kate Gosselin look like she can move like Nell Carter (RIP).  God I miss that woman.
  • What makes things worse is that Sheree actually thinks she’s doing well.  Not like, “I’m trying hard and am proud of myself” but more like, “I’m going to beat the competition because I’m so good.”
  • They then bring out “Virginia” to show Sheree how the dance should look.  Virginia is clearly the ghost of Anna Nicole.  You like my boddddy?  You wantsomemoneyyyy.  You want a Viperrrr?  Trim Spa, baby!
  • Lawrence, Kim’s hairstylist and Kandy’s new singer… I can’t.  It’s too much.
  • I decided to skip over the whole “Cynthia trying on wedding dresses” because, you know, it was boring and plus Goldberg is still after me.
  • Moving on.  It’s the night of Sheree’s big dance.  I believe it’s being held in the basement of a musty Church, which also doubles as the “Bingo parlor.”  NeNe shows up with Greg and, clearly, they love each other.  I guarantee they both have divorce papers with them at all times and are just waiting for the right time to shout out BAM and slap them down on the table.
  • Meanwhile Sheree has been kicked out her own “dressing room” and is being forced to dress up like Oksana Baiul in the public restroom, and of course NeNe calls her out on that.  Me gusta NeNe and the new nose of NeNe.
  • The dancing starts up and Kim immediately takes a liking to Kroy Biermann from the Falcons because she thinks she can bounce a quarter off his ass.  Although, since she’s looking for a new Big Papa and Kroy is a famous football player I’d bet that Kim thinks she can get a quarter from his ass.  Just a hunch.
  • We later learn that Kim finally is going to get voice lessons from Jan Smith per Kandi’s request.  It was then that I whipped out my rosary beads and began praying that those scenes would be filmed and shown.  I’ve decided this show really makes me believe in God more and that’s a good thing.  (pssss Goldberg.  help!)
  • All the girls decide to donate $20.00 to Sheree’s Alzheimer’s charity.  That is terrible.  I hate when people with money are so cheap.  Kim could have at least donated her wig and NeNe probably spent more on Vaseline for her nostril reshapping surgery.  Terrible.
  • It’s finally Sheree’s turn to dance and I love how they pronounce her name wrong.  Brilliant.  I’m surprised she didn’t stop the whole thing and take her donation back!
  • Sheree dances like…well….like….well like a rapist.  An actual rapist.  It reminded me when Phoebe from “Friends” was trying to dance sexy for Chandler so that he’d admit he was having a relationship with Monica.
  • Even though they edited the reaction shots like an episode of The Hills, it was pretty funny when they showed Kandi yawning, NeNe laughing, and Kim bugging her eyes out.  If Phae Phae was there you know she would have been doing that “I smell sh*t on my lip” face that, yes, I am actually practicing doing in the mirror later on tonight.  I will get back to you with the results.
  • In the end, Sheree got a 9 out of 10 and Kim landed herself the phone number of Kroy.  Everybody wins and I clearly lose.  Actually we all lose.  You lose too for reading this.
  • Goldberg!  Run!

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