Real Housewives of Atlanta: Cynthia’s Friendship Contract Should Be Signed in Rabbit Blood

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  • When I walk into the room, I’ll HOLD IT!
  • I’m so glad that Sheree is an actress now.  It really makes sense and we can see She By putting her acting skills to use when Lawrence starts to sing his new song and Sheree says how much she likes it in such a high pitch voice that I’m pretty sure NeNe’s dog came running up the street.  Sheree also just got signed to Sh*tty Bum Agency where all of Atlanta’s elite are signed.  I can’t wait for Sheree to one day land her very first local lottery commercial where she dresses up like a big dancing female dollar sign with giant eyelashes and high-heels.  Dream big, dream often.
  • Speaking of wigs perfecting their craft,  Kim starts to take a little choreography for her big bus tour with Kandi.  Kim claims that she’s a better dancer than she is a singer because she’s been dancing for 16 years.  I doubt that.  I mean, I believe that she’s been dancing for 16 years, but a better dancer than singer?  Doubtful.  Kim sings like an angel!  How could she ever top that?  (Top that, top that.  I really don’t give a, about trying to top that.  Top THAT! da da da da).
  • You can tell Kim is a nervous wreck about the dance steps since she asks her teacher if she’s going to be doing a lot of splits.  Splits?  Someone should tell Kim that her “concert” isn’t actually the same exact thing as her jazz dance recital when she was 10.  Imagine Kim at 10 years old with a wig and smoking side-mouth?  That makes my brain smile.
  • My favorite part of Kim’s dance class from hell was how the song they were practicing to was actually Kandi singing Kim’s song and not Kim singing Kim’s song.   Personally I think that whilst on stage, Kandi should be singing the song and Kim should be animated like MC Skat Kat (with a blond fright wig, of course)  dancing her tail off…literally.  Who’s with me?
  • Yes!  It’s Phaedra time!  I have to admit she’s becoming my favorite trash bag this season.  And, to top things off Dwight shows up wearing a top hat like a true neighborhood registered sex offender.  Level III please!
  • Phae Phae is breastfeeding whilst she roams her house and chats with Dwight.  There’s about a good 2 minutes of absolute rag-time bullsh*t that goes on between the two of them.  It’s something about a cow and the milk and the king and the queen.  At first I thought they were reciting a nursery rhyme, but then I realized it was just some typical awkward newscaster banter.  I cringed before, during, and after winding up and socking myself in the ding-dong.
  • Dwight ends up spilling the womanly beans that DeShawn Snow Cynthia and Kim were talking shiz about Phae Phae and her alien baby.  Phaedra actually has a funny one-liner about Kim getting her nursing degree from one of those “mail in” school degrees for $59.00 and then says, “Just because you strip in a nurses outfit does not make you a nurse.”  Um, actually Phae Phae, it kinda does.  It’s kinda like how a writing a blog makes me a writer.  It does, doesn’t it?  Doesn’t it?  Maaaaaaa!
  • And why does Phaedra call everyone Miss?  Miss Kim or Miss Cynthia.  It’s like I’m watching a rerun of Brewster Place which, as a sidenote, was some of Oprah’s greatest work.  1990 was such a good year.
  • When I walk into the room, MY SHARONA!
  • Oh, and Phae ends her scene by saying, “Kim needs to get a hobby, honey, besides ho’in!”  I mean, come on.  How can you not love Phaedra?  She been funnier since her baby crawled out of her vagina.
  • Watching Sheree run lines with Kandi is painful.  Sheree is going to be the Jennifer Aniston of Atlanta where she basically just plays herself in everything she’s in.
  • Kim is having a typical “Burn the Fat off Your A**” party an inviting all the girls over.  So is that a party that you’re actually insulted over getting invited to?
  • Kim’s fat party includes a machine that shoots red lasers over your body and, allegedly, burns the fat right off as you lay there in your bikini and your friends sit front row drinking wine watching you.  You know, the norm.
  • While Kim gets changed into an inappropriate swimsuit for a mother of 2, Cynthia pulls NeNe into the kitchen to discuss being a lunatic.  Cynthia is upset that they haven’t spoken in a few days after Peter and NeNe had a random phone argument.  After they clear the air, she gives NeNe a candle and a friend contract.  Yup, friend contract.  Apparently the contact states that if you want to break up the friendship you have to have the contract notarized.  Look, NeNe is all freaked out but wasn’t the contract just a joke?  I assumed so, but maybe she’s serious and I’m just as crazy as Cynthia is?  That’s most likely.
  • Meanwhile, Kim is still laying on the table with protective goggles on and red lasers spinning in circles over her body.  Sheree is telling the girls how she’s in a new play and wants them to come see her “act” but Kim can’t make it and she uses an excuse that I plan on stealing from her for future use.  Her excuse is that she’s flying out to LA to get her real hair colored even though she wears a wig over her real hair on the regular.  Right after that Shecky Zolciak brings Kim a couple of boxes of pizza so that she can eat it while getting her fat burned off.  Sadly, I did not make up any of the above sentences.  None of them.  It all happened.  All of it.  And we wonder why the terrorists want to blow the United States off the map?  Well wonder no more.  Thanks Zolciak (you too, Shecky!).
  • Kandi Koated Niiiiiiiights!  Yeah, that scene didn’t happen or anything but, sadly, it plays on a loop in my head 23/7 (it takes off an hour each day).
  • Favorite Scene Ever Alert:  Dwight sends Phaedra some food as a gift and there is an entire scene of Phaedra and her mother just looking at each other and then the food and just saying “Mmmm hmmmm.  Mmmmm.  Mmmmm hmmmmm.”  I love a spontaneous sass-off!
  • I wish 227 would make a comeback.
  • It’s the afternoon of Sheree’s big play!  Oh, and it’s in a strip mall.  No joke.  It’s basically in that one store that is out of business 10 months out of the year, but then suddenly from Sept 1- Oct 31st it turns into a Halloween store and then goes back out of business the next day.  Yeah, so that.
  • Everyone shows up to see the play and, well, they look bored to death.  Phaedra is texting on her phone, NeNe is resting her eyes, and Peter, well, Peter looks like he’s about to hit Cynthia with an open fist.  Sheree finally comes out on stage to people in the crowd literally cheering for her.  She says her 3 lines and then walks off the stage.  Drop curtain.  The end.  Really?
  • After her few lines, Sheree says that she thinks she ready for film.  She is.  If Law & Order ever makes a movie and is looking to cast a high-society southern corpse, Sheree is your girl!
  • After the play Phaedra decides to call out Cynthia on calling her baby an alien and the two exchange words and agree to check their sources.  I have to admit that I was surprised that Cynthia started it by calling Phaedra out on her lying about her baby being full-term.  I didn’t think Cynthia had it in her and you could totally tell that Phaedra was really uncomfortable with it, you know, since she was caught in a lie and a camera was in her face.  Speaking of which, I love that “I smell sh*t” face she always makes and, yes, I’ve almost perfected my impression of it.  More to come.
  • In the end, Kim and NeNe head out to lunch, talking about Cynthia’s crazy friend contract and how NeNe wouldn’t know what to do with Cnythia’s vagina if she ever came on to her.  This is all typical lunchtime conversation for those of you trying to follow along at home.  They step outside and NeNe tries to smoke one of Kim’s cigarettes and decides that if Greg were to move out she’d be fine with it and she also may be interested in dating a white dude once her marriage ends.  You can’t see me right now, but I’m raising my hand.  Imagine?  NeNe would absolutely destroy me.  It would be like the Tasmanian devil.

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