Real Housewives of Atlanta: Chateau Future Foreclosure

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Chateau Sh*t Show – Since someone secured a seven-figah-set-tle-ment the money seems to be raining down on She By Hooray.  So much so, in fact, that she’s bought a home, tearing it down, and then building an 8,ooo sq foot home on the land.  It will, of course, have a room for her kids to roller skate, a place for She By to work out, and a little 1K sq foot nook so she can get massages.  Here’s the deal, I know She By keeps saying it’s in a super exclusive neighborhood so I immediately started playing Where’s Waldo in the background and am pretty sure I saw a raised-ranch across the street.  Ooo la la.  So she’s going to have Chateau Future Foreclosure (that will be my title) built on a hill looking down on a couple of ranches and bungalows down the street.  That makes sense.  I just hope this house gets built quickly so she can get back to work on making beautiful dresses for Fashion Bug, DOTS, and 5-7-9.

I Don’t Care What I Said in the Past, Me Gusta Phaedra – I don’t care what I said in the past, me gusta Phaedra.  Does that seem like deja vu?  Does that seem like deja vu?  High five for 6th grade jokes!  High five for 6th grade jokes!  Anyjunkindatrunk, I love Phaedra.  She is a sizzlin’ hot mess.  First off she’s basically wearing a J Lo jumper and has the word “His” bedazzles across one giant donkey ass cheek.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  And Phaedra is lovin’ the the McGriddle from the looks of it.   I wouldn’t want her any other way…unless she was wearing her pink jumper at the funeral parlor.  Moving on.  Looks like Apollo was pulled over by police and one of Phae Phae’s phriends found out and called her to tell her the gossip.  To be honest I can’t really follow what actually happened.  It was like they were speaking in code.  Code that only people in prison can hear.  Apollo looks like he’s about one more “pull over” from playing a little Ike and Tina with poor little Phaedra.  Big wheel keep on turnin’.

Ding Dong! Awkward’s at the Front Door – Nene’s youngest son is basically saying how much he hates it that she and Greg are separated and he has to live in two different homes.  NeNe is pretty much like, “we may get back together.”  Yeah, way to provide false hope when you’ve been running your mouth that you’re getting divorced.  I’ll take “Psychological Damage” for $800.  Suddenly the doorbell rings and it’s creeptastic Greg ready to slowly walk into the house with his head down the whole time.  He and NeNe kiss on the cheek and make it seem like things are fine.  My favorite part, however, is how they didn’t look each other in the eye the whole time.  It’s like a prostitutes relationship with her pimp…if her pimp were her dad…and slow.  There I said it.  I’m not sure exactly what I’m getting at but, let’s face it, this episode is a snoozeroo.

I Found Rocky Dennis in One of the Scenes – Did you?

Why Doesn’t Peter Like My Little Phae Phae? – So Peter, who may or may not be the voice of Sebastian from The Little Mermaid that I’ve seen 5,039 times because of my niece, doesn’t like Phaedra and decided to cackle like a little school-girl in heat to some cracktastic magazine.  Seriously dude, get your own show and stop trying to steal the spotlight from your dead-behind-the-eyes wife.  In this article he simply states that he doesn’t like Phaedra’s ass.  How could he not?  So rude.  But Phaedra gets the last laugh by calling him Papa Smurf since he has a white beard and a ton of kids he has to take care of.  Kinda brilliant, if I do say so myself.  I mean, she also called him Uncle Ben, but even I wouldn’t touch that joke with a ten foot NeNe pole.  I can, however, laugh over Papa Smurf because last I heard it’s ok to be racist towards blue people.

Kim’s Baby Shower: Phaedra’s Shower Part II – Did anyone get a good look at the life size pictures of Kim and Kroy at Kim’s baby shower?  Priceless.  In each one Kim looked like one of those life-like sex dolls that I hear they sell.  She literally looks like a dead Muppet hooker in each and every photo.  I was pausing it looking for the chalk outline in each but, alas, I came up empty (like Cynthia’s pockets).  There was actually one picture with Kroy and the kids and Kim wearing some type of wrap about her rack.  Literally, it was like a piece of silk covering only her bare breasts.  So motherly.  I remember when my family took our family portrait and my mom forgot to wear her top too.  Oh mom!

For reasons that I don’t currently understand, Kim’s dad goes over to Phaedra, starts talking to her about being a lawyer, and then hands her a business card saying he can help her out because he’s worked with lawyers for over 30 years.  Doing what?  And who networks at their daughter’s baby shower whilst on camera.  Phaedra actually looked like she thought she could catch “crazy white person” simply from talking to him.  And you know what, recent test results show that you can, in fact, catch that.

One of my favorite parts of the shower was when little Schecky Zolciak gave a speech about her mom and Kroy and said, “…and now she’s knocked up, so thanks.”  Kim starting fanning herself to fight away the tears.  The littlest Zolciak daughter, who was dressed like Madonna from the Like a Virgin days, just was looking at everyone like when Cindy Brady froze when she saw that damn red light whilst on the random game show.  Truth be told I want to be a Zolciak for a day.  There has to be some radio contest for that.  Hopefully.  I’ll start looking into it.  Eh, at least it’s nice that Kroy treats them well.  He’ll be gone as soon as he’s traded to a different team or gets cut and ends up on disability.  Whichever comes first.  I’m not God.  I don’t know everything.  But trust me.

In the end, Cynthia and Peter show up literally 5 hours late for the shower and don’t bring a gift.  Trash bags.  Peter plops himself down at Phaedra’s table and Kandi is the only one who’s talking to him.  He says he’ll invite her to his new bar opening and Phae Phae says that Peter won’t invite her because he doesn’t like her.  I actually started laughing out loud.  Good for Phae Phae.  Phae even drags in She By to the table conversation by calling Peter out for saying that She By isn’t cute.  I’m glad they called him out for being such a gossipy little nina.  From there a fight ensues between Apollo and Peter.  I mean it was nothing like the Real Housewives of New Jersey christening fight, but it did resemble it.  Apollo kept calling Peter and old man and I began to squeal with delight.  The police suddenly came over and everyone ran like rats on a sinking ship.  Now how come there were police at Kim’s 100 person baby shower, but not one cop at the Gorga’s 300 person Italian christening?  These are just some things that we’ll never know.  Like is the earth really round?  It can’t be answered.

Programming Note: IBBB is traveling home for Thanksgiving starting tonight and will miss the RHOBH but hope to catch it again this week and recap the pants off of it.  Stop complaining.  Be thankful I’m alive.

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