Toddlers and Tiaras: I Once Knew a Girl Named “Honey Boo Boo.” She Got Knocked Up in High School.

Remember how in the Bible Jesus talks about doing to others as you would like done to you?  Well buckle up, trash bags, because I’m pretty sure it’s time to make fun of some poor little girls thanks to a show I like to call “Toddlers and Tiaras.”  Oh wait, that’s just what it’s called.  Therefore, I’d like to now refer to it as, “Amber Alert:  Back of the Milk Carton Babies.” It has a nice ring to it.

I have to admit I’ve never watched this show before as I feel the level of reality show I must watch needs to center around 16 year old girls who gave it up and now have a baby and a hit show.  But sometimes it’s nice to broaden our horizons and raise the bar.  And lower it all at the same time.  So let’s chat about the latest crapisode:

All of the girls in this episode are from the part of Georgia where there are a lot of rusty tin roofs, shoeless dirty children walking aimlessly up a dirt road by themselves and carrying a stick whilst a rabid cat slowly and crookedly walks behind them, and all the moms are obese monsters where they just get out of the shower and brush their wet hair until it dries.  In a nutshell, it’s heaven.  Not to be confused with Heaven.  We’ll get to her in a minute.  But let’s start with the light of my life.  Meet Alana.  She’s 6 years old.  She’s old enough to know how to play it up for the cameras, yet young enough to not realize that a man had actual sexual intercourse with her mother.  Meet her mother, June.  She’s named June because she’s as hot as the month and, let’s face it, memorizing how to spell something over 4 letters is just a set up for failure.  Notice how Alana’s name consists of mainly just “A’s?”  Exactly.  Alana is filled with personality which is ideal in her situation because, you know, we’ve seen her family tree and, well, it ain’t pretty.    She’s basically the white version of Gary Coleman with brilliant catch phrases such as, “A dollar makes me holler, honey boo boo” and “Those other girls must be crazy if they think they’re gonna beat me honey boo boo child.”  She’s kinda like what would have happened to Shirley Temple if Shirley’s mother hit the sauce, pulled her out of show-biz, and got really trashy really quick.  And you know what?  I’m ok with all of that.

If it’s one thing we learned so far is that pageants are expensive, y’all!  So June is forced to cater to her obsessive compulsive behavior of cutting coupons and turning her double-wide into Cosco.  No joke she has store shelves lining her kitchen with enough deodorant, soap, and toilet paper to last her family 3 lifetimes, yet something tells me that we’ll never see those shelves empty.  What I like the best about June is that she constantly sports the standard fat woman’s silk blouse, you know, the one that hangs from the Walmart rack on a thick white plastic hanger in the “intimates” department?  She’s definitely a MILF (Mother is Laughing Fatly).  June’s husband looks like he lost his will to live so is just rolling with the punches.  Not only does he have to literally lift her stomach during delicate sexy times, but he’s forced to go along with this whole pageant lifestyle.  And what’s not to love, really?  I mean, June’s face is the length of her arms and at one point during her one-on-one interview she just lets out Taco Bell-style belch after she answers one of her question.  It’s like the Match profile writes itself.

There are some other future cashiers girls who are trying their best to win the Precious Moments pageant as well.  There’s a girl named Heaven who lives in a trailer with a busted front porch and a mother who you totally know is considered the “hot one” in the neighborhood.  She has a husband named Benny, but since this is Georgia we’re talking about it’s pronounced “Binny.”  Heaven has decided that for her “dress of choice” competition she’ll be dressed up as Pinocchio and her step-dad will help her out on stage, which makes complete sense because when it’s time for the swimsuit competition his nose is likely to grow.  Speaking of pervs, did anyone check out the gross old men in the audience?  You can spot the Level III’s by their dead giveaway prison eyeglasses and hand down their pants whilst their other hand holds up a 1988 Sony Camcorder with duct tape around the hand strap.  It’s just your standard game of Pedophile Bingo at this point and we’re about to play a coverall.

There’s some other chick named Laci.  Her mom was likely rejected from MTV’s Teen Mom, but that won’t stop her will to make it on the reality TV, y’all.  Laci seems the most normal, which makes her a bit of a snooze.  Although her mom is having her dress up as Lady Gaga in two different segments of the competition, although they only made one segment as they couldn’t get the raw meat pinned to her bikini in time.  And, no, I’m not joking.  Luckily they did make the segment where they put a blond fright wig on Laci and put her in a giant bedazzled shoe (?) and spilled her out on stage just in time to kinda-sorta lip-sync to some Lady Gaga song that you know TLC doesn’t have the rights to.  Laci really let her mom down earlier in the day by sneaking away, which forced her parents to pull a “Brady Bunch Goes to the Grand Canyon” and basically just yell, “Bobby?  Cindy?” in the parking lot looking for her.  Um, I’d count the remaining Level III’s in the audience and then work back from there.  P.S., is it a standard practice to try and make all these little girls look like Kim Zolciak because I’m pretty sure if that’s the case then Kim should have some residuals coming her way.

Regardless of all the girls, America’s favorite is clearly Alana.  From her dressed up as a slutty Jessica Simpson with her gut hanging out (so, basically still Jessica Simpson) to her mom screaming at her during “practice” to point to her belly so the judges can see her dress, Alana is the rotten apple of my eye.  I mean, I assumed her mom wanted her to keep pointing to her belly because she’s perfecting her daughters audition tape for 16 & Pregnant: 2022.  When Alana wouldn’t point to her belly and June said, “Stop!  Let me show you.”  I basically shut the laptop on my penis and sprayed Bleach in my eyes with my “Bleach Spray For Emergency Situations Only!” plastic bottle.  The best part about Alana, clearly, is “everything” but I love how during all her one-on-one interviews you could hear the producers actually laughing after all of her answers.  I assume a similar situation will happen once Alana tries out the work-force in 10 more years.  Perhaps she should down a couple of chugs of “Go-Go Juice” prior to an interview.  For those of you in the dark, “Go-Go Juice” is the drink of choice that June gives to Alana right before she needs to get on stage.  They make it seem like it’s a secret formula, but let’s face it, it’s clearly a Mountain Dew bottle with the label sloppily ripped off.  Evidently 5 bags of Pixie Sticks doesn’t work anymore.  Plus, that’s for babies.  No really, that was the 3-5 yr olds competition.  Alana is now in the 6-8 yr olds so she needs to start her addiction in a more ladylike manner.

In the end, Heaven won the title of “Most Likely To Point on a Doll Where Her Stepdaddy Touched Her”  and Alana only won the “You Have the Right to Remain Silent” trophy.  As my sister once said, “This actually exists.  There are parts of the country where people like this actually exist.  This isn’t made up.  It’s like a different world.  I love it.”  We’ll most likely update that quote to include “honey boo boo child.”  #ChildhoodObesityFTW

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More IBBB Recaps:
Jersey Shore
Teen Mom 2

Jersey Shore Recap: We’re All Getting Too Old For This

Remove your genitals from the George Forman grill and wash your drip-tray because Jersey Shore is back!  I’m actually outta breath from even typing that sentence.  Let’s just put it out there.  These jokers are getting a little too old for this sh*t.  I’m getting too old to be writing about this sh*t.  You’re getting too old to be reading this sh*t, but alas here we are.  It’s past 10:00pm and I just want to go to bed, but instead I’m sitting here with a hot laptop on my lap.  Like Tyra used to say to her models, “I give myself up for you”  I say something similar to you, the readers of IBBB.  I burn my penis, for you.  You’re welcome.

The Douche Bag Brigade is all packed up and ready to leave Italy to come back to the one country where we tolerate complete drunken rusty trash dumpsters on the regular.  Not only do we tolerate it, but we turn you into American Royalty.  George Washington’s teeth must be rolling over in their grave.  I have no clue what that means.  Regardless, they’re all leaving Italy and one thing is for sure:  VaDeena officially has turned into everyones Italian grandmother, sausage arms included.  Eh, good for her.  She likes the food.

Everyone is so excited to be heading back to Pedophile Manor at the Jersey Shore that you’d actually think they walked into the light and are seated at the right hand of the Father.  Shout out to my Catholic school upbringing, what-what!  They can’t believe how clean the “house” is and how how all their STDs seemed to have been removed from the property.  I’m sure someone forgot to clean the bill of the duckphone and, well, that’s likely to be shoved up Snooki’s gentlemen greeter by season-end.  There is some nervousness, however, because no one wants to room with Grandpa Situation and, sadly, Sammi SweatStains and Yawny are going to be stuck with him like that pesky case of herpes that just won’t seem to completely go away and always comes back at the most inappropriate time.  My favorite part, however, was when Sammi walks in the room and says, “I don’t even know where to put all my stuff.”  I, of course, immediately blurted out, “on the balcony you hard-faced b*tch.”  Then I got really mad at myself for yelling at a garbage barrel.  Seriously, how old is everyone getting?  For real.  Grandpa Sitch is trying to find a place to store his walker and I’m almost certain Ronnie is switching out his protein powder with Metamucil.  Eh, it’s important to move your bowels regularly.

Later, in order to celebrate the devil winning, Snooki and VaDeena decide to do shots of pickle juice because they probably want to make sure their breath smells the same as their crotch.  But the guys don’t want to be left out of the celebration so they decide to (yawn) do a little GTL (remember when that was so funny?) and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta does some extra tanning because prior to that he only looked slightly like Burnt Sienna and not a full Brick Red.  It’s a process.  After they go to the gym so Yawny can take out all of his aggression on upper body only (no need to work out the legs…just wear pants) and finally they conclude their day by getting some absolutely terrible haircuts.  The “barber” looks like he carved the map to Zelda in the back of Stich’s head and for some inexplicable reason Vinny had them only leave a giant “V” on the back of his head.  Is it ok if all of America lets out a collective “You’re White!” to all of the guys?  Just checking.

After the millionaires stop by their minimum wage job at the T-shirt store they all pack up the van to head out to some dive restaurant that their boss is taking them to in order to welcome them back to the United States of America.  Suddenly when they walk into the restaurant they all hear a ton of people yell out “surprise!”  I assumed it was all the babies from all the girls who got knocked  up while visiting Pedophile Manor over the years but I was wrong.  It was actually all the family members of the gang.  Take a good look, folk,s because these are the real people to blame for all of this.  And, not for nothing, but they were welcoming these trash heaps home like they just came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.  Either way, what a treat for the eyes this was!  JWoww ShamWow’s dad was there.  Well it was either him or Peter Tork form The Monkees.  Google it.  And F you when you say, “Who are the Monkees?”  Vinny’s whole family was there and this brought him to manly tears.  His mom, who may or may not be Joy Behar, is always quite the dish and she didn’t disappoint this time as well.  And of course there was Uncle Nino who, I’m almost certain, by law must introduce himself to everyone at the bar…and his neighbors within a 1 mile radius.  We’re also finally introduced to a grown white man who calls himself “Unit.”  Personally I blame Eminem for this.  Moving on.

“Unit” pretty much looks like a pale sickly poor-mans version of Pauly D with a “It’s Pat” from SNL wig.  I’m dead on.  You’re welcome.  Grandpa Situation and his life partner friend, Unit, are ready to mess with Snooki in front of her pint sized, shiny-faced, awkwardly-waxed boyfriend, Jionni.  Since everyone is drinking and could give 2 sh*ts about this show anymore the fight between the Unit and Snooki literally goes like this for a good 5 minutes:

Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”

No punches were thrown.  No drinks went flying.  Snooki didn’t  fall out of her chair exposing her vagina and the Jersey Shore logo.  It was like I don’t even know these goons anymore.  Everyone goes home, including Unit and he and Grandpa Sitch basically get naked in his bedroom, spray each other down, play dress up, and then go back outside to hang out with everyone else.  Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, the thing I like best about Unit is that he can’t get his hair to spike and so it just curls.  And not just any curls.  I’m talking tight wet curls.  If he grew it out about 10 more inches he’d look like Leah from Teen Mom.

However, the romance isn’t to be kept just between Unit and Sitch.  Hell to the no.  Snooki’s mutant looking friend, Ryder, is hanging out at the house, drunk, and hooks up with Pauly D/Ellen Travolta.  She is officially the super-secret-sixth-in-line-house-pig.  Her parents must be so proud, but let’s just assume that they are sans TV…and jobs.  So I’m sure they’ll never see this.  I actually felt bad for VaDeena during all of this because she seemed so sad.  She could barely stuff those hamburgers hot off the grill down her facia bruta.  She did muster up enough energy to walk into Pauly D’s room and sit at the end of his bed while he and Ryder just stared at her in silence.  She finally left to, I guess, eat her feelings in bed.

For the remainder of the crapisode we’re left with watching Vinny basically on suicide watch.  He’s so homesick and tired that he keeps forgetting to take off his Justin Bieber glasses when he goes to bed.  He’s just moping around and can barely make it out to Aztec which, like Karma, looks like the worst place on the face of the earth.  Although there was one fine lady trying to have a dance-off with the fellas.  She may have been having a seizure from the nuclear-holocaust sounding music and lights but either way she was definitely Hatchet Face with a perm.  Perms must be the new thing in Jersey.  I can’t wait for them to make it over the bridges and tunnels onto the main island so I can see them on the regular.  In the end, Vinny has to go home from “da club” because he says he can’t take it any more and he “has no more to give.”  Uh, what was he giving us all the other seasons…lazy eyes?  Because, well, that’s about all.  Yawny and Pauly D are ready to slap a 5150 on Vinny and Vinny is legit ready to go the hell home so his mother can make sweet passionate love to him in his twin bed.

Enjoy these horrific (horrific, meaning:  written by a whore) Jersey Shore recaps?  Well then join me on my Facebook page and click on the “Recommend” button to share this recap with your white trash Facebook friends.  Ole!

Teen Mom 2 Recap: Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Park Lane!

Jenelle – Sometimes when your life is stormy you need a little calm.  You need a mustache with mangled teeth to provide you with advice.  You need Barb’s boyfriend Mike.  Jenelle is seeing red (and not just because Barb is decked out in a beautiful Christmas red sweater with black leaves all around the neck that just slightly shows off her menopausal bosom) because Queen LaQueefa is still playing “Hey that’s my bum bum!” in the slammer.  Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that Mike is coming on to Jenelle hard-core.  He’s all like, “You use to be fun, Jenelle (wink-wink).”  Probably meaning that she used to ride the pole without a jacket if you know what I mean and, well, if ya don’t you’re on the wrong site because I’m talking smut.  I. Am. Talking. Smut.  The whole time Mike’s mustache is talking I keep noticing how while Jenelle is dressed to film Scene 3 of an Avril Lavigne skater boi video she’s sporting the fake nails that Leah (and the Real Housewives of Orange County) seem to still think looks good.  I think having sexy nails is important especially when counting your food stamps.  Nevertheless (am I using that right?), Mike took a few notes from Barb’s Book-o-Crazy by saying some of her best catch phrases of 2011 such as, “…and then yaw done!”  followed by “he’s draggin’ you down Jenelle.”  I’m pretty sure the only thing Kieffah is dragging down right now is his pants to Bubba.  That’s right folks, I’m talking 5th grade jokes all the live-long day.  Buckle up because this whole episode was a snooze.

Later, the Good-Time-Gang has to celebrate Christmas early because Barb is going out of town for a bit.  At first I was assuming that was code for “sex change in Tijuana” but then leaned more towards her attending a meat slicing convention in Toledo.  Everything seems to be going pretty well on their pre-Christmas Christmas  as Jenelle has bought Jace actual gifts.  Shocking.  It’s times like these when I really love me some Barb because she just blurts out, “Oh. My. Goodness.  How cute that is!” all whilst she is smiling ear to ear.  More surprises come when we learn that Jenelle even bought Barb a gift.  I hear the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day.  Barb is so psyched because Jenelle got her Ugg boots.  Barb spits out, “Oh yeah!  They’re nice!  Cuz I like the daaaahhhk colaaah!”  If she likes the dark color I’m surprised she didn’t take more of a liking to Kieffah, but I digress and digest all at the same time.

In the end, any family Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a little family blow-out.  This time around a fight takes place over the fact that Barb wants Jenelle to change Jace’s sh*tty skid-marked diaper and Jenelle is a little slow to get up.  Somehow it turns into a shouting match over Jace going to daycare and how Jenelle can’t be in his life and blah blah blah.  Barb is pissed, screams “Merry Christmas” and leaves with Jace for the rest of the crapisode.  Now is Mike’s chance to see if he can go down Jenelle’s chimney. However, Jenelle is too busy calling everyone she knows that is over 21 so they can bail Special K out of jail.  90% of the people won’t answer when Jenelle calls, 5% of the people won’t do it, and the other 5% were probably made up calls to the Time and Temperature lady for dramatic effect.  One friend of Jenelle, Tiffany, doesn’t want to bail out Kieffah, but she will come up the street to “chill” with Jenelle in her car.  This chick has her own kid and looks like she leaves a ring around the tub and wreaks of incense and latex.  Plus, those face piercings really make her eyes pop!  Did North Carolina not get the memo that the Avril look ended in the mid 2000’s?  Jesus.  Jenelle’s final call was to Special K’s friend, Dan, who also would not bail him out because he thinks he’ll go on the run.  I think Keifaah running takes too much imitative and will never happen.  Jenelle is left in her car crying and I’m left wondering if I’ll ever get these 60 minutes back.

Leah – (Leah Voiceover) “Hey y’all it’s Christmastime in the TP (trailer park).  I’m just kidding, y’all, cuz we can’t even afford the park part.  Them are just some cheap jokes for da poors!”  But before we get to any of the Christmas festivities in the sticks we need to sit through a conversation with Leah’s mom about how Leah needs to be ok with the fact the twins may want to play more with the wrapping paper on Christmas morning than the actual presents.  She says it so serious like they’re talking about brain MR-eyyye.  At one point she says, “Now don’t go gettin’ all aggra-vated.”  You totally know she thought she was super smart for saying it that way.  Someone run her to the geneticist because I think the problem lies all over her face.

Leah is so excited that she spent $500 on her kids for Christmas even though she has to throw them a 1st birthday party at the local VFW/Shelter.  It looks freezing in there.  So cold, in fact, that the crunchy curls in the crowd are starting to ice over.  It’s ok though because so is my heart.  Happy 1st Birthday Aliarka and Liliaki.  Whatever the hell their names are.  All I know is that between Corey’s relatives and Leah’s relatives it looks like a childrens book of a cartoon beaver family and cartoon mole family come to life.  Let’s move on to Christmas.

I love to see what Christmas is like for those who have wood paneling.  Some call it a sport, but I call it a hobby.  I love the way the lights from the Christmas tree bounce off the puffy leather couch and land as tiny specs all over the wooden walls.  If I were Leah I’d tell my twins (y’all) that every time cheap-flammable-wood-paneling shimmers, an angel gets clip-on extensions.  Speaking of which, Corey Claus has dressed up like Santa in the cheapest costume that the change found under your couch cushions can buy.  No joke, the court-ordered workers who have to ring that damn Salvation Army bell at the mall have better costumes than Corey.  I’m almost certain his “beard” was just pieces of Leah’s fried out weave simply hot-glue-gunned directly to his face (hot glue burns, y’all!).  And his “Santa outfit” was basically Mrs. Brady’s two-piece suit from the holiday episode.  The fact that the entire home doesn’t ignite by Corey just walking through it is beyond me.

Leah, per usual, is dressed like Santa’s trick.  She has to wake the girls up to open their presents, but she seems to be dressed to go to The Roxy with a face full of make-up caked on…just like the rest of The America on Christmas morning.  Oh, and someone needs to tell Corey that Santa says “Ho, Ho, Ho” not “Who, Who, Who.”  Dick.  And Santa says other things too like, “Merry Christmas,” Have you been a good little girl,” and other catch phrases like, “So, uh, are those glasses or goggles because, well, the elves were wondering.”  When Corey just kept saying “Who, who, who” it made me turn Leah’s-mom’s-natural-bush-red with secondhand embarrassment.  And the girls hated it too.  The smaller one just screamed like she realized they’re one more Betty Boop decoration away from filming scenes for Hoarders and the other girl who can’t walk yet, looks like she was ready to give it hell just to try and get out of there and find her way to Social Services.

My favorite part, however, was when they passed the big-screen TV and over to the Christmas tree so the girls could open up their Christmas gifts. Each girl got what looks like 2 or 3 gifts each.  I call “shenanigans” on the $500 spending spree.  Perhaps Leah could have bought the girls a few more things if she cooled it with the fake nails and white hair?  Or perhaps if she stopped taking days off at her new “job” we could have seen a stocking or two filled up.  At least none of this is being recorded and the girls can never see it again.  P.S., I’m sure Leah flirted with the Elf on a Shelf.  Pig.  Oh, and I think it’s great that Corey wrapped one of the gifts up with duct tape because I’m almost certain he’ll use that same tactic with Leah once he finds out about the cheatin’.  See y’all in the woods!

Kail – Was she even in this episode?  Kail’s case worker comes over to the apartment, that I’m probably paying with my tax money, to see how she’s doing and what she has going on for Christmas.  She probably is just there to make sure that Kail doesn’t have a Ferrari in the driveway with the money that MTV is paying her to be a pig on television.  All that is a snooze.  It’s Christmas for Kail too, though, and she invites Jordan to come over in the middle of the winter in his shorts so she can give him his gift (a hat) and he can give her Ugg boots…similar to the gifts that were given to the baby Jesus in the Bible.  Kail did a good job at wrapping all the gifts.  So basically she knew enough to wrap everything except a d*ck. Hey-oh!

The only good that came out of this was the fact that Kail kept speaking of this magical letter that she wanted to write to Janet for Christmas and I was hoping this meant that we were going to get a glimpse of my 2nd favorite person in the world.  Well, all the talking didn’t disappoint because Janet has finally entered our lives this season.  Blessed Mother Janet is sporting a “93″ Jersey and some Diana Ross hair and she looks like a rabid dog in heat when Kail enters the house.  Kail goes to give Janet the card and Janet is just like, “Yup thanks.” And then she grabs a card that looks like it’s already been opened and on display on the table and just hands it to Kail.  That’s love.  I’m assuming that the “93″ on her shirt was the year she became a teen mom.  If only it was a “69″ she probably would have never been in this mess.  Either way, dressing like a J Lo backup dancer really works for Janet.  Next time I’d like to see a little more cameltoe poking out from her Hanes Her Way. In the end, Janet reads the letter to Joe and she decides to somewhat forgive Kail for making her look like douche-nozzle on national television.  I think she kinda wants Kail and Joe to get back together but my momma said you can’t hurry love (no) you just have to wait, she said love don’t come easy…it’s a game of give and take.

Chelsea – Martha Washington wig, generator technician, mom’s mullet, lady dressed as the Grinch whilst cutting down a Christmas tree, next week Megan tells Chelsea she’s knocked to the F up.  Discuss.

More Teen Mom Links!
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2 Recap: Jumpaaah Cables and Fix-a-Flat: Birthday Dreams Come True

It’s time for yet another crapisode of “Spread ‘Em If You Got ‘Em: Teenage Mother Edition.”  I am still on vacation, but I figured if I could find the time to tune into these rubbish tins, then you probably have the time to read this junk and click on the “Recommend” button so you can share it with your loser Facebook friends and help me continue to sell out.  Speaking of which, join me on my very own loser Facebook page and let’s get creepy! P.S, how much do my Photoshopping skills rule?!

Jenelle – If there’s one thing you know about me it’s that me gusta when Barb and Jenelle get into a knock-down-drag-out fight on the regular.  If Barb isn’t being backed into her front door by Jenelle screaming just inches from her facia bruta then, well, I’m less than pleased.  However, something that you may not know is that I also enjoy Barb when she’s in good spirits.  I assume this is because Walmart was paying her time-and-a-half during the holidays, but perhaps it’s because her boyfriend, Mike, is playing the alphabet game on her “gentlemen greeter” when they have “date night” on the pullout couch.  One may never know.  This time around Barb starts off rough and tough with Jenelle by letting her know that she’s glad that Kieffah is going to jail, but even with that hard exterior she is a big old softie to me since she has now embroidered a flower pattern around the collar of her prized blue shirt.  I’m sure that peels off during the winter months and replaced with a snowman pattern.

Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the next major scene with Barb may have made me the happiest toolbag blogger on this here earth.  Apparently it’s the lil b*tch’s 19th birthday and so Barb goes into her room to wake her up wearing a complete sex-kitten outfit.  If you heard that thump in the background I’m sure it was Mike ramming his manhood into the wall and then passing out.  Barb is decked out in enough leopard print that would make Chelsea start foaming from the mouth.  And, she’s there to bring gifts to Jenelle that are all oddly wrapped.  Suddenly Barb turns into Jokey Smurf  and starts giggling as Jenelle unwraps her presents.  I was actually waiting for the gifts to explode upon the unwrapping process.  Her giggles turn into a full on belly laugh (a belly full of deli meat) when Jenelle opens up the first gift, which was a large can of “Fix-a-Flat” in case she gets another flat tire.  Seriously, Barb is cracking herself up and half of “The America” at this point.  The next gift Jenelle unwraps is a set of jumper cables.  At this point, Barb is about seconds away from rolling on the floor and kicking up her legs as tears of joy roll down her face.  To top things off, she gets to shriek out, “These aahhh things you need faw yaw caaaaah!”  It was like she was playing $25,000 Pyramid.  I was ready to yell out, “Things that are 65% off at Walmart the day after Christmas!”  Barb ended her gift-giving spree by telling the beautiful story of when she gave birth to Jenelle 19 years ago and how she almost made her meat slicer explode so she had to have a C-section.  She continues the compliments by letting her know that she was a cranky b*tch way back then too.  Good old Barb.  Friend ’til the end!

Later, through the magic of science and miracles, Kieffah ends up sending Jenelle a Facebook message because he wants to talk to her about their relationship and, you know, the beating.  How the hell is he on Facebook?  Does the grassy knoll that he sleeps on have free WiFi?  I just assumed at this point his version of Twitter was actually talking to a bird and giving it directions to Jenelle’s house.  Either way, they end up chatting on the phone and decide that the next step in their garbage barrel relationship to nowheresville is to have Jenelle come and pick him up so he can turn himself in to the police because there is a warrant out for his arrest.  How romantic. I’m pretty sure this same scenario that was in the Bible.  I believe it was “A Letter to Kiefaaah from the Barbs” (right after the Psalms).  So, Jenelle picks up Kieffah for some inexplicable reason outside of a Japanese steakhouse in a stripmall (next to the Dollar Store).  All of that is 100% accurate.  Poor Kieffah was sitting on the ground on some form of a blue cushion that I’m sure was covered in bed bugs, Sake, and lack of ambition.  What I want to know is why Special K is more dressed up (khaki blazer) to go to jail than he was to go on those job interviews last season.  This is a question that we’ll never have an answer to.

In the end, Queen LaQueefer is all pissed off because even though he kicked in the side of Jenelle’s car he feels like he never hurt her.  He tries to give her a guilt trip about pressing charges against him and how he doesn’t deserve to go to jail over all of this.  Jenelle thinks she’s basically helping him out and, well, I think she’s just helping to make good television.  My favorite part was when he told Jenelle that if he has to serve jail time he doesn’t want anyone to send him letters at all.  Hahaha.  Brilliant.  You totally know Barb is back home cutting  out all different sized letters in multiple magazines to send him death threat letters (”If you evaaah touch my daughtaaah again…”).  As Kieffah waits for Roz from Night Court to come and get him he sits there with Jenelle sporting some white socks and sandals.  He says he doesn’t deserve this, but I beg to differ.  Thanks to the socks and sandals and the fact that he looks like 89% of the tourists in Times Square I think he should serve a minimum of 10 years.  I’d say he should be under house arrest, but the grassy knoll is still sans walls.

Leah -Surprise, surprise.  Leah needs to take another day off of work because the results from Ali’s MR-eyeeeee are finally in.  But these aren’t just any MR-eyeeee results.  Oh no. These are brain MR-eyyye results.  In fact, Leah is going to take the next 10 minutes to work in the words “brain MRI” as many times as she can into her conversation.  Any chance the results from this brain MR-eyeee can prove that both of her parents are goons?  I hope that’s in there somewhere.

Sadly, Leah doesn’t have anyone who can go to the doctor with her to get her brain MRI results.  Brain MRI.  Brain.  Corey can’t go because the toilets aren’t going to unclog themselves.  Her sister can’t go because she has a test that day.  And her mother can’t go because she apparently dyed her hair reddish-brown and can’t get the crunchy curls out of her hair.  Seriously she looks like Shirley Temple’s dead-behind-the-eyes slower sister.  So, Leah’s grandmother is going to go with her instead. And I’m pretty sure her grandmother is about 50.  She should have asked the camera man to go with her.  The rest of this crap is boring, so let’s get down to the results.  Drumroll please…….Ali’s brain is fine.  Phew!  She has one eye that’s good, but the other eye isn’t that great.  So, clearly, she can kiss her thriving career as a “winking model” goodbye.  A career cut down too soon.  The doctor does let Leah know that she should still go and see the Geneticist because they’re going to want to DNA the piss out of Leah and Corey’s entire family.  Imagine that family tree?  You totally know that we’re all going to find out that Corkey and Amanda are Leah’s great-grandparents or something.  Eh, life goes on.  See what I did there?

In the end, Leah calls Corey to trying to explain to him the difference between good news and bad news.  When she finally says that Ali’s brain is fine he just says, “Ok. Good.”  and then hangs up the phone.  He must have been busy bumping uglies with Joetta.  I’m sure he lets her wear the camo hat that must smell the same as Leah’s burnt hair and skin.  We’re getting Brain MR-Eyyyes, y’all!.

Kail – You know you’re too young to be a mother when in your voice-over you say things like, “I haven’t spoken to my mom since I gave her the remote control back.”  Kill yourself.  All of Kail’s scenes consist of her talking about birth control and then finally going to the doctor to find out what her options are.  Personally, I think if she just tapes a picture of Janet on her crotch that will keep the men at bay.  But, hey, that’s just me and I’m barely a doctor.  As a sidenote, I’m barely a human.

Once Kail heads out to see her doctor, Doctor Diddles McGlasses she does learn what all of her options are.  I wasn’t paying close attention because I was watching the doctor fidget and chatter his teeth while he spoke of things that Kail can shove up her glove compartment.  Since Kail can’t remember to take her birth control pill every day she decides to go with the kind of birth control that looks like a sling shot, is placed up the vagola, and can’t get you pregnant for 5 years.  I mean, sure, I’m sure if she lights up one cigarette while she has this thing in her, her head will explode off her body, but at least she won’t be with child.  And, not for nothing, but while the doctor was implanting that he should have quickly given her a chin implant too.  Like a buy one, get one free.  You know the kind.  Anychins, Kail was so psyched that she can’t get pregnant for 5 years that she immediately asked the doctor if she was protected the second it was put inside her (giggity).  She was like a chinless rabbit in heat.  Or a “chabbit” as I may sometimes refer to her as.

In the end, Jordan gets all shy about talking about slingshots and vags on camera but finally comes to terms with that fact that is you want to get inside of it, you need to be able to talk about it.  Kail can’t seem to understand why he’s so uncomfortable, but this is coming from a girl who just basically had a camera crew inches away from her Yahtzee bag.  No wonder why Suzi jitters.

Chelsea – I can’t.  Why does she think she’s the Snooki of South Dakota?  And did Adam kidnap the baby or no?  I don’t care.  See you on the back of a milk carton, Aubree.

Previous Teen Mom Recaps:
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2: The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters

Welcome back to another episode of “Teen Mom 2:  Vag Today, Mom Tomorrow.”  If you know someone who’s become brain-dead from reading these recaps, visit RespectIsNotLove.gov.  Yeah, I turned it into a government agency…jealous? Here’s what went down last night with these teenage mothers (lite version due to me being on vacation).

Jenelle -It took a little while, but Jenelle finally figured out that the dashboard doesn’t tickle, especially when you’re tossed into it by your low-life booooyfriend.  Therefore, she’s decided to break off her Disney princess-like romance with Queen LaQueefer and even reach out to Barb-o-Matic because now all her friends hate her.  That’s strange because she’s so outgoing and friendly, you’d think she’d be the life of the party.  You know things are tough when the white-trash Double-Mint Twins from the trailer don’t even want to associate with you anymore.  I guess that’s what happens when you ruin their big bowling “night out” plans.  Anyjunkee, Jenelle gives Barb a buzz to see if she can come back home and Barb, with her glorious voice says, “So, yaw gonna press chaaaaahges?”  I would have been like, “What?  I’m going to what?  Full-court press on Chachi?  Fine, I guess so.”  Blessed Mother Barbara is going to need to take some time to think it over if her lil b*tch of a daughtaah can come on home and live under her roof with everyones favorite third roommate, Mike!  So, it’s best if they meet up for dinner…at a place called “Mr. P’s” which must be “the poors” nickname for Papa John’s.  Barb concludes her words of wisdom to Jenelle by saying that “No man should evaaah lay a hand on a woman.”  She should have finished it off by saying, “…although a man should be allowed to pepper-spray a woman in line at Walmart on Black Friday because, well, it’s Black Friday so all bets are off!”

Later, Jenelle brings herself down to some fly-by-night police-type station where she can “press chaaaahges” against Special K.  She’s telling the lady behind the counter, which I’m pretty sure was just a bank teller, that Keiffah kicked in the side of the car, pushed her into the ground, and wrestled her for her keys.  Now I am “sans life” and I’m pretty sure I didn’t see any of that.  Although, I’m sure I did dream at least some of it. When did this happen?  At first I thought that Jenelle was just being a typical Pinocchio, but when the bank teller asks her if this is the first time she’s dealt with domestic abuse from Special K, she says “yes” but then is like, “well once he threw me into the car…”  The bank teller was like, “Yeah, AnnaMae, that’s domestic violence too.”  She should have have screamed “LoveisRespect.org” in her face until she puked computer keys.  I have no idea.  Anyway, we know that this is all official because the bank teller makes Jenelle swear on a Bible…just like Roz used to do it on Night Court.

Sidenote:  What the hell was up with Jenelle’s friend who was sitting outside of a place called “Coffeehouse” and all pissed off and bitter that Jenelle hadn’t called her in many moons because she spent all her time with Special K?  It’s like, realx sh*t for brains.  I’m sure she’s extra pissed because she’s a white chick who’s dressed like a Harajuku Girl in a Gwen Stefani video circa 2005.  I mean, she ain’t no hollaback girl.  Besides, looks at her made my junk itch.

In the end we finally get to see Barb in the flesh.  Hot, menopause-sweating flesh.  While I was sad that we only got to see her in the last 5 minutes, it was totally worth it because both she and Jenelle were wearing orange sweaters.  It was a little sad that Barb was too poor to afford the blue stripes to complete her authentic Ernie sweater, but maybe if she keeps slicing the deli meat she’ll be able to afford half the stripes by Spring.  Barb ends up getting a little teary eyed when she learns that Jenelle has been sleeping in her car.  She says, and I quote, “I don’t want you sleeping in yaw caaah.   It’s cold!”  At first I thought she being sincere but after she mentioned the cold I noticed her playing with the top of her turtleneck…just to rub it in that lil b*tches face!  Jenelle and Barb decide that for the 46th time Jenelle is going to turn her life around and they shake on it.  Shaking is good, but nothing beats a deli-meat-high-five!

Kail – Now that Kail has her new apartment paid for her by people like you and me, she’s ready to tell Jordan about it so that they can start banging on the regular.  I hope they forget condoms and she shoots a baby out between her legs in 9-months.  She should aim for the stork.  Since her apartment is ready she needs to get all her crap out of Suzi’s House of Horror before 3pm because that’s when Suzi’s boyfriend gets home from work and I’m pretty sure by 3:15pm he’s fully in heat and ready to diddle those who lack courage…like the Cowardly Lion, you know, for instance.

It’s quickly moving day, because I don’t care about anything else that happened, and Kail has enlisted the help from some randoms.  They end up wrapping up her television in a blanket with the wires still attached and are throwing clothes into a bag and tossing that junk into the truck like they’re burglars who give a damn.  At one point I’m pretty sure I saw baby Issac in a box that said, “Do Not Bend.”  The move quickly almost turns into an 80’s movie montage when the two helpers that are a horse of a different color start playing the guitar and singing.  It’s like what I would imagine an episode of Webster to be like if they did like a Glee theme.  I’m not even joking when I say I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about.  I want to slap a 5150 on myself and go to bed chained or not chained to a stretcher.  I’m not picky, it’s the holidays.  Moving right along.

After Kail gets moved into her Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure, she decides it’s time to call Suzi and spill the pitocin that she basically robbed her and no longer takes up residence in the crack den.  She’s moved on to bigger and better things…like a meth lab.  Suzi seems confused on the phone by what Kail is saying but, then again, it is Suzi and she’s probably freaking out over the fact that voices are coming out of the phone.  She suddenly has the sobering realization that her television is missing and needs Kail to bring it back on the double.  Or maybe she just wants the TV back and wants a double?  It’s hard to keep up with the tornado that is Suzi.  Later she text messages Kail telling her that the remote control is missing and she needs that ASAP.  My money is on the fact that Suzi is just in the wrong house.

In the end, Kail has to meet Suzi outside in the parking lot of her “job” to hand deliver the remote control.  I’m surprised she didn’t put it down her pants and waddle back into her “office.”  But, alas, she didn’t and she quickly turns into the Suzi Fidget Monster and lets Kail know that she’s pissed off that she moved out of the house like she was Harriet Tubman digging her way through the underground railroad.  I hope this doesn’t mean we won’t be seeing more of Suzi SnowStains any time soon!

Leah – Hey ya’ll we’re back to listening to Leah try to do her voiceover without having it sound like she’s sounding out all her words.  After Leah has put in nearly 4 shifts at the “Fix-Yo-Teef” office, she’s taking some well deserved time off.  It makes sense because she needs to take Ali to go and get her MReeeeeeyyyye.  Not for nothing but her new sidekick friend is about as bricks as Chelsea.  She always asks the dumbest questions.  This time around she wants to know why Ali needs an MRI and says (about her brain) “They can’t fix it?  Why?”  To which Leah (who’s nearly a doctor) says because they, “Can’t fix the brain.”  Yeah, not in West Virginia at least!  Zing!

When it’s time to take Ali to the hospital/woods Leah thinks that Ali seems depressed lately.  I don’t blame her.  She’s probably got a case of “the sads” because she’s living in a trailer with some random chick who has a weave worse than Britney Spears. Hell, I’d be withdrawn from society too!  Once they all get to the hospital (and Leah gets her orange sweater cue from the producers), they get to meet with one of the doctors who, I sh*t you not, is named “Dr. Persilly” and actually says, “We’re doin’ this because of her little eyes?”  I mean.  Just roll the credits now because I am done.  Done!  I may have been rolling around on the floor kicking my legs from laughing so hard.  Once it’s time to put Ali under it actually is a little sad, but that didn’t last long for me because the nurse asks Leah to sing to Ali whilst this is taking place.  I immediately assumed they would request “Tardy for the Party” because I’m pretty sure the nurse thinks that Leah is, of course, Kim Zolciack.  In the end, things got way creepy when they kept showing Ali unconscious and jamming tubes down her throat and then suddenly we were seeing all crazy moving images of her skull like it was some futuristic Light Bright from hell.  Next!

Chelsea – I’m dumber for even typing her name.  Am I done yet?  Ugh.  Randilicious can’t take Chelsea to get her knee amputated because he has to work, but he makes sure to make fun of her fat ass by saying, “You’re going to have to cut back on your jogging” and then he gives her the side-eye.  That’s pretty cocky coming from a guy who looks a little like Jabba the Hut sinking into his sectional.  But who am I to judge?  Oh, that’s right, that’s what I do.  Anyway, fast-forward before I Russell Armstrong myself, and Adam comes on over to get ready to take Chelsea off to surgery and play with Aubree for a few minutes.  He does a great job, as he’s basically starts playing Circus of the Z-List Stars and somehow seems to throw Aubree across the room and she slams her head off the floor.  You know what?  If he’s going to make taking care of her alone let’s just get her picture ready for the milk carton now to save time.  Cool?

After Chelsea has surgery on her knee (they need to replace it because apparently she spent too much time blowing Adam) she is a crying whining mess.  So, you know, she’s doing swimmingly.  By the way, why does Adam have finger tattoos?  Any chance they happen to say something useful like, “Look For Work” or “For Picking.”  Meanwhile, Aubree is losing her mind in the hospital, but that could be because she has a diaper on her head or because Adam called her a “bastard.”  I’m not sure why Chelsea freaked out when he called her that because he was just calling it like it is.  These goons make me yawn, like, a lot.  So I’m going to stop here…but not before mentioning that Chelsea’s house looks like the set of Hoarders.  Clean the place up you rusted dumpster!

Well that wraps that up.  I would have written more, but like I said, I’m on a 2-week vacation and the thought of typing…or moving…gives me a case of the “sads” and the “yawns.”  However, if you liked any part of this recap please click on the Facebook Recommend button and spread the word!  While you’re at it, join me on my personal Facebook page where people seem to talk about Teen Mom no matter what I say.  It’s creepy and fun all at the same time!

Related Teen Mom 2 Links:
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!