Betty White Confirms She’s Hosting Saturday Night Live

I think it’s great that Betty White will be appearing on SNL.  I really do.  I hope they smut it up with her.  But here’s the only thing that make me lay awake at night.  The Greenhouse Effect.  No wait, not that.  No.  The Golden Girls death track record.  You know what I mean?  Time is-a-tickin’ and, well, let’s just be safe and not have Betty White host the last episode of the season.  Time’s a factor.

Anyway, Betty did confirm to People Magazine while she was at the Elton John Oscar party that she will appear on SNL in the near future.  This would be a great episode, but they must go right to smut.  They must.  And if they plan on doing that I’d like to be in the audience to see it.  So who’s going to get me tickets?  Start working on that…..now.

You know, if only Facebook and the Internet were around 8 years  ago (huh?) I would have lead the effort to get Nell Carter on SNL.  Now I have to really try to make this happen via a Oujia Board and voodoo doll.

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Getting to Know, YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the recent past and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.

• danny devito and lil kim snooki (I called that in episode one)
• mariah carey whore (Glad you could stop on by)
• snooki fat mexican (And now a word from our racist searchers)
• “catelynn’s mom” “forehead” (I know, right!)
• aggressive chick gooses guy in jeans (Winehouse antics?)
• ashlee simpson nose grew back (Someone told a lie!)
• chelsea lately camel toe pics (Her name isn’t Chelsea Lately)
• did uncle jesse in full house ever call mary-kate and ashley olsen’s character michelle tanner the nickname sonnie in full house (Meth much?)
• farrah abraham needs to do porn (She will, my friend, she will)
• gretchen rossi serve tamra summons (I hope this is true!)
• im bringing a girl to a party what do i do (7 minutes in heaven)
• jwoww bedazzled hot pants (Brilliant.  Each. Word. Brilliant.)
• name of danielle, pauly’s stalker (Danielle)
• were bringing blogging back (Too late)
• what is lynne from real housewives on? (Cuffs)

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The Slomin’s Shield: My New Favorite Commercial. Ever. “EVER.”

There is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to book a Slomin’s commercial.  Regardless, this commercial is priceless and they play it on what seems like a constant loop in NYC.  Like a dog hearing the cabinet opening to get a treat, I immediately stop what I’m doing and look up to the TV to watch this mess in all its glory.  Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this commercial was made by the same people who write for the Harriet Carter catalog.

In what couldn’t be any more over-acted, we get to see three couples experiencing a possible break-in…and then how they would react if they had the Slomin’s alarm system.  The first lady is great.  At first she freaks out and then when she realizes it’s her neighbors house who had the break-in she, literally, gets pissed off at the neighbor for not having an alarm system.  Yeah, because this is definitely an “I told ya so” moment.  Relax.  As a sidenote, it’s nice to see that Toni Braxton is getting work again.

Next up we have the fireman who may or may not also be an inner city wrestler.  He has to tell his bitch-bag of a wife that he has to work late again.  We know he “means it” because he puts extra emphasis on his hands whilst he talks into the phone.  The bitch-bag of a wife screams over the phone like he just told her he flushed their daughter down the toilet.  When she realizes she has the alarm system she tells her husband that she’s fine with it and she’ll even have dinner ready for him.  I’m surprised she knows how to set the alarm all the way back there in the 1950’s.

The finally we have the sleeping couple.  The wife shoots up out of bed like Satan, himself, is coming to collect her soul.  When she realized she has the alarm system she goes back to bed with a smile on her face like she’s ready to rape the willing.

Go Slomin’s.  Go often.

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Jersey Shore Cast Go “Jaywalking” on Jay Leno….Again.

I know this is 2 days old, but I can’t get enough.  The D-Bag Brigade that is the cast of the Jersey Shore showed up on the Tonight Show again to try their tanned hands at a little Jaywalking.  As always, my iced coffee straw could get more answers right than this crew, but, as always, their stupidity puts a smile on my wretched face.  My favorite topic is when everyone tries to decide who becomes President of the United States if the existing President and Vice President die.  Sammi SweatStains actually says, “Um, the wife?  Or somebody who knows a guy?”  Ding ding ding!  You’re wrong, but you’re still getting paid more than me for simply being an ignorant douche bag!

I also laughed when JWoww ShamWow thought that Kim Jung Il was Jackie Chan.  Oh that JWoww!  Class act til the end.

I’m dumber for watching, but happier.  Dumber, but happier.  Happier.

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This Time Last Year: The Hills Gang Was Filming in Wonkavision

It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.”  Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year.  Catchy title.  Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to The Hills gang filming scenes for the show…this time last year.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
I’ve got 3 Talentless Skanks For You.
Oompa Loompa Doopity Da,
Follow the Script and You Will Go Far.

What Do You Get With The Hills Season 5
Eating and Stares and Eye Rolls and Sighs.
None of These Girls Have 1 Ounce of Fat,
Speaking of Which, Where is Stephanie Pratt?

I Don’t Like the Look of It.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
So Very Soon We’ll See Season 5 Too.
IBBB Will Live in Happiness, Won’t You?
Like the Oompa Loompa Doopity Do!

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Kids Picture This: The One With My Dad’s Drawing

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

While “Kids Picture This” has become one of the more popular segments here at IBBB, I still get a ton of crap emails form people thinking that I’m being mean.  Lighten up, it’s funny.  And, to prove it, I would like to start with a drawing that my father drew and entered into a Catholic school contest over 50 years ago.  I’m not joking, he found this, scanned it, and emailed it to me.  Enjoy!

Picture # 1 – Seeing how my dad viewed Jesus carrying the cross many years ago brings a smile to my face.  I actually thought this drawing was really good, until he pointed out the humor in his drawing after looking at it 50+ years later.  So, while the Bible always made me think that this took place in the Middle East, apparently my dad was under the assumption that Jesus and the guards were all Asian.  That, possibly, could explain the height.  Also, I’m not quite sure why one of the guards has Bettlejuice’s head and the other guard looks like Rocky Dennis from “Mask.”  I’m waiting for Cher to pop out from the corner and tell him that he’s just as good as everyone else.  I also wasn’t aware that the guards had chicken gizzards on top of their helmets or why Jesus is wearing Mrs. Roper’s bathrobe, but evidently my dad knows this for sure.  I believe him.  I mean, he was “in the know” enough to draw one of the guards giving the other guard the finger.  You know what?  I would too.  Those guys were bastards.  I mean, not only are they making Jesus carry that heavy cross, but (for some reason)  Jesus, in this picture, has the actual sun sitting on his head.  Well, it’s either the sun or the Walmart logo and my dad was years ahead of his time.

Picture # 2 – Hey everyone!  It’s the penis family!  What a concept.  Every member of the family, both male and female, have a penis.  I guess that helps take care of the “keeping the toilet seat down” problem that has plagued generations.  And what luck, because some of the family members not only have penises but also have penis shaped heads.  Now I won’t pretend to have any form of idea what their names are.  No clue.  I don’t know who “Jo Purple” is, or who Rudh (standing next to Jo Purple) is, or why Kgate has wings, or why Cattherien has a penis that also doubles as a snake.  I mean I could try to come up with some possible theories, but I’m sure I’d be wrong.  What a sad family, especially Jo Purple, who ironically is actually purple, is missing both of his/her feet.  And I guess I feel a little sad for Cattherien too since she, you know, also plays the role of the family fire hydrant.  Well, I guess with all those penis’ people need a place to go.  The fire hydrant makes the most sense.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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…In Other News…

Someone’s turning into a fat ass.  In other news…

~ Heather Graham, Always Naked ~ CR
~ Kelly Osbourne Has Nana Hair ~ CB
~ Who Went from a Girl to a Boy? ~ DL
~ Winehouse Heading to Rehab? ~ LS
~ It Always Starts With Smoking ~ ABH
~ Did Mary Carey Steal These from Mariah Carey? ~ DSF
~ Mo’Nique Couldn’t Care Less ~ Y!

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Jennifer Aniston Mastered the “Sitting” Pose

So I came across (not literally) Jennifer Aniston on the cover of Russian Shape Magazine (random I know) and realized that I’ve seen Aniston in a similar pose many times before.  She really mastered the “sitting” pose and the “play with strand of hair” pose and, of course, the ever popular “hunch over a little” pose.”  Look, I’m not hating on her, but let’s switch it up a bit.  I don’t know, try standing whilst playing with a strand of hair.  Or maybe stand while hunching over a little.  Now I know that Tyra has done every pose that has ever been created, including future poses that have yet to be created, but maybe Tyra can help?  While she’s at it, if she could ask Jennifer if the “Friends” were really friends, that would help me out tremendously.

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227 Reunion on The Today Show. Thank You Santa Christ!

Well folks, the years of writing letters and powering through my rosary beads have finally paid off.  The cast of 227 reunited on The Today Show and, you know what, it feels so good.  Now we were missing Rose and Pearl as both are currently taking dirt naps.  However skanktastic Jackee Harry did tell a comical story of when Pearl was on her death bed and, well, if you can’t make jokes then, when you can you make jokes?

It was great seeing Mary, Lester, Brenda, Calvin, and Sandra all on the same stage together and seeing 3 out of 5 of them almost begging for work.  Fine I made that part up.  As a sidenote, Mary, Lester, Brenda, Calvin, and Sandra is actually my ATM pin code.  I usually stand there for a while before I get to access my money.

I would also like to take a second to thank the cast of 227 for reuniting as it forced me to stay on the treadmill for an extra 15 minutes as I was just about to jump off when Matt Lauer informed me they would be up next.  So, yeah.  Thanks.

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Why Do the First Two Look More Asian?

Kris and Bruce Jenner, and their “second time around” faces, posed with Vera Wang at Vera Wang’s Los Angeles Boutique Launch party in sunny LA yesterday.  At first glance I was wondering why Lucy Liu was posing with her mother, but then I quickly realized it was Kris and Bruce.  Both are terrible, horrific people in theory.  I say “theory” as a way to sound nice.  Is “theory” like “allegedly?”  I sure hope so.  I’m kidding.  I don’t care.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: The Rabies Machine

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  We’re officially three months into the new year and I’m already sick of 2010.  However, Harriet Carter and her rotten box…of products always seem to bring a smile to my lifeless-dead-behind-the-eyes face.  I picture her in a board meeting trying to choose what to sell next.  This week, Squirrel Feeders.  Next week, dignity and self respect!  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Have you been up late at night and losing sleep over how you’re going to get your neighborhood squirrel in tip-top shape for the upcoming trailer park boxing match?  Well, dump out the moonshine because you’ll be sleeping naturally in the comfort of knowing that Harriet Carter is here to help train your squirrel.  Apparently cartoon squirrels absolutely love eating/punching corn on the cob when it’s placed in a Ferris wheel type contraption.  Look at how talented this little rabies invested animal of Satan is when it eats some corn with one hand all whilst spinning the corn wheel with its other hand.  I’m not sure if the arrows are helping him or if he just knows.  I bet he just knows.  He seems smart.  Seriously, this corn wheel is disgusting.  Living in a world where most people can’t even afford to pay for the Internet connection to read this Harriet Carter post, this cartoon family is buying extra vegetables for their backyard rodents.  Gross.  Do you really want an animal that licks cat sh*t on a daily basis coming this close to your house and then, one day, just expecting food to be there?  You probably do.  You’re probably the kind of person who’s like the pedophile of the animal kingdom.  Like, you start by enticing them with corn and next thing you know you have a family of squirrels licking peanut butter off your private parts while you watch Masterpiece Theatre and listen to “Smack My Bitch Up” on your iPod.  You’re gross.  And why the hell does the description say that this contraption keeps the animals amused for hours?  Did they time it?  Doubtful.  And who gives a rabid F if they are happy even for seconds?  I’ve spent the majority of my life running from these things and “shoo’ing” away the rest of God’s creatures as I try to make my way up the street.  Geesh.  The only time I want a contraption like this is my life is when I’m filling it with cotton candy for the homeless person who lives outside of my apartment building…and I’ll be secretly videotaping it….and uploading it to YouTube….and making millions off of it.  I’ll probably get a network deal out of it…I assume.  Thanks, Harriet, for increasing the chances of me getting rabies by 98.9%.

Product # 2 – Trying to play real life Tom & Jerry?  Are you sick of your trees just looking like, you know, trees?  Ever wish that you could decorate the absolute piss out of mother nature?  Well does Harriet have the kit for you!  Introducing the “Gnome Home.”  Bleh.  All you need to do is somehow screw this crap into the trunk of your tree and, presto chango, you’ve got yourself a pretend house for the neighborhood animals.  People will be thinking, “does someone live there?”  all while small animals will be knocked out cold when they open the door with their filthy paws and run their heads directly into the tree trunk.  I actually don’t think this is a bad idea.  Looking at this money waster I’m thinking things like, “Who lives on the first floor” and “who lives on the second floor” and, of course, “how much can I rent this place for?”  Oh and the description is written with so many puns I’m pretty sure I did projectile diarrhea in my pants.  I kid.  I took my pants down before I did the projectile so that I could spray the wall…but I digress.  It says,  “Passersby will swear you have new gneighbors.”  Get it?  “Gneighbors?”  You know what?  If any passersby are thinking anything as they pass my tree I’ll be sitting on my front porch with a loaded shotgun and yelling at them to mind their own God-damn business.  And what’s so wrong with bare trees?  Let trees just be trees.  Next thing you know people are going to star bedazzling sidewalks.  Let it alone. Let trees just be what they’re supposed to be used for: Being an absorption rag for dog piss and provide me with some shade for Christ’s sakes.

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I Assume Kissing Vicki Gunvalson is Like Licking a Who?

If you kissed Vicki Gunval(burp)…Vicki Gunvals (hmmmrph)….Vicki Gu (bleh)….Vicki Gunvalson would you brag about it?  That’s the real crime here.  According to Star Magazine and Nostradamus, while vacationing in Puerto Vallarta Vicki started flirting and dancing with a 25 year old college student, Mike Pullin (the poor mans Brad Ferro)…and it ended in a kiss (yuck).

Mike Pullin told Star, “Vicki was extremely outgoing and having a great time, like a sorority girl.  We clicked immediately and danced to rock ‘n’ roll by Bon Jovi and Journey. She was living it up. She kept talking to me. She was a big flirt.”

Star continues, “When Mike bought a round of tequila shots for their group, Vicki gave him a very special thank you — a big kiss on the lips!”

Alright.  I have 3 things to discuss:

1. Why are you 25 and still in college?  Perhaps stay the hell out of Puerto Vallarta and hit the books, bricks.
2. Who says, “…and danced to rock ‘n’ roll’ by Bon Jovi?”  Why not just call the club “el discoteca” and call it a day.
3. Why are you proud and telling anyone that your lips touched Vicki’s Whoville face?

However, Vicki is telling a bit of a different story.  She told People Magazine, “He told me it was his birthday and wanted a birthday kiss. He seemed nice, but very star struck!  I never ‘made out’ with him, as he stated. I never let him touch me inappropriately — ever.”

If I were Vicki I would say the photo was photoshopped and she was busy working….it was 1:00 in the afternoon.  Who goes to Puerto Vallarta at 1:00 in the afternoon?  I work.  So that answers that.

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Why Did They All Turn Into Fran Drescher?

Well Harper’s Bazaar just fell into the dumpster and hit every female cast member of Jersey Shore on the way down.  First of all, why is that the way “Bazaar” is spelled?  Is that the correct way?  I don’t get it.  Eh, I’m not checking.  Second, according to detective work that may have been done by a 4th grader, Snooki, JWoww ShamWow, and Sammi SweatStains all got an un-needed makeover for the magazine.  Why does everyone keep making them over?  If I wanted to see girls from Jersey looking nice and tame I’d head to the convent.  I want to see Snooki and crew looking like they all just got off the Bang Bus.  And, if this photo is accurate, the “girls” all got turned into Fran Drescher which can be a good thing only 14% of the time.

JWoww ShamWow’s boobs look like they’re snacking on Snooki.  Sammi SweatStains looks like she she’s pushing out #2, and Snooki looks like her “freakin’ poof” has been shellacked and she’s trying to “catch talent” in her hand.  Either way, this is all good enough to get me through the downtime in between seasons.

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I Want to Live in a World Where Being Shallow is Accepted

Alright that’s it.  I’m pressing the “WTF” button.  Yeah, I added it.  Jealous?  Jennifer Love Hewitt and her boyfriend, Jamie Kennedy, walked the red carpet at the 100th Episode of the Ghost Whisperer party at Club XIV in LA the other night.  Sure she’s more crazy train than Jessica Simpson, but Jennifer Love Hewitt is still kinda hot.  And, looking at this recent photo, it appears that she lost some weight too.  I figured I comment on that since I’ll get hate mail stating that I only make fun of her when she’s heavier.  I’ve actually never made fun of her weight.  Tyra’s, yes.  Hewitt’s, no.  Anyway, how are these two together?  I want answers, God damn it!  And don’t tell me that people can fall in love based on “personality.”  That’s crap and you know it.  People just say that when one person is blind and the other person is fat.  That’s how that works.

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Well, the World Can Officially End in 3…2…1

You know how they say that if you actually see the Devil’s face you immediately die?  Well I feel the same way about the fate of planet earth ever since this above picture was taken.  No, your eyes aren’t turning tricks on you.  That actually is Pepa, from Salt-n-Pepa, with her brand new face, and standing next to her is Dwight from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Honestly, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d type but, alas, I have.

Anyfacelift, Pepa was out celebrating the final episode of her reality show, “Let’s Talk About Pep” which took place at Comix in NYC the other night.  Really?  Comix?  That’s kinda sad.  Don’t get me wrong I would have gone in a second, but I wasn’t invited.  Go figure.

If I hadn’t actually seen this picture I would have always gone through life just assuming that Pepa and Dwight were the same exact person.  Thanks for bursting my bubble, Dwepa!

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