Toddlers and Tiaras: The One Where Fivel Mouskewitz’s B*tch Mother Comes to Life

I’m really starting to learn the ropes to the ultimate sh*t show that is Toddlers and Tiaras. Personally I think it should be called “Jon Benet’s Angels.” Either way, there’s a lot going on in this episode and by “a lot” I of course mean, “there’s a Russian mother named Marina that I am now obsessed with.” Marina, as we know, is Russian and the mother of Mia. Mia is a little 4 year old girl that I’m almost certain played Chrissy in “Growing Pains” and just never aged. Marina, of course, is the poor-mans Meryl Streep. And, because she’s from Russia, she also defaults to the poor-mans woman.  If you think she looks familiar to you, you’d be correct.  She can be seen in almost any black-and-white Russian photo of a woman wearing a kerchief and waiting in a long bread-line on the snowy streets of Moscow.  Sorry fellas, she’s taken! Thanks to the invention of the Internet she scooped up a man who was strictly looking for Russian women over the Internet. It was love at first sidewards winky face. Marina starts things off really nice and sweet. Sure she has barely mastered the English language and butchers such words that end in “ly” or are fancy and, you know, “plural.” She’ll make everyone look at Mia’s dress because it is so “sparkle.” Is it? Is it really? Marina’s husband may have thought that buying your wife via Paypal is a ticket to all the hot Russian sex you can handle for 15 easy installments of $1999.99, boy did Marina pull the “gotcha-gotcha” on him. You see, in turn for all “da sex” he’s now been roped into a world of pageants. Even worse, little girl pageants.

Mia is a real pro at modeling like a little girl who’s just years away for trading her mouth for meth.  She learns easy because her mother is patient, loving, and kind with her.  I’m joking. Of course she is horrible.  Marina says she’s competitive because she’s Russian and, well, if I knew anything about the Cold War, the Iron Curtain, and/or if Russia was still a country (state?) I’m sure I’d have a snappy joke inserted in there somewhere. Alas, I am bricks and always thought Social Studies was for kids who couldn’t read well and poor people.  Looks like I was right?  Either way, Marina (or Mama Mia as she called herself and then laughed in the camera like she’s seen her husbands penile again for the first time) makes sure to whore out Mia where ever she can.  She likes to find places where the audience can’t leave.  Since prisoners typically like to rape, Marina has settled on a nursing home.  Because at the end of the day people sh*tting their pants whilst yelling out “Bingo!” every time someone announces “B-5″ is really all the accolades you need as little girl with teeth similar to the monsters from the Quizzno’s commercials.  At the nursing home, the audience stares with fear in the eyes and hope in their heart that Jesus is calling them for sweet release.  Mia dresses like a Russian doll and runs around like she’s having karate-chopping-seizures on the regular.  When she’s done smoking from her scalp, the crowd claps and that one old guys continues his crusade to “look down” for the rest of his life wondering exactly which decade his junk stopped working.  The answer to that is always “the 50’s.”  Marina makes sure to kill her words by saying things to the crowd like, “No boo?” and “I hope you enjoy?”

It’s now time for pageant.  Apparently the theme is “Old Hollywood” so I’m assuming they’re talking about Lohan.  And there’s a grand prize of $10,000.  Sure that’s a decent amount of money, but these mothers from Texas are acting like if their daughter wins then they can sit home from work for the next 3 years and pay off their house.  I’m kidding.  Of course they don’t own homes.  There are a couple of other girls in this episode too.  I’m almost certain the two girls are the original members of Destiny’s Child who got the boot shortly after Bills, Bills, Bills.  One can’t stop sleeping and sneezing and the other one is actually pretty normal.  She’ll likely land a role as the next door neighbor or kid sister if/when they bring back the UPN and Moesha.  I’m praying both of those things happen, quickly.  One girl forgot her dance halfway through and you could immediately notice that her mother disowned her right then and there from the audience.  The other girl dressed up like a Gay Parade float and/or Nicki Minaj and kinda sang and kinda danced. Moving on.

Back to Mia.  This poor girl doesn’t have a chance with her b*tch of a mother.  Marina started to turn as soon as the host of the pageant cut down the time that Mia could be on stage.  She immediately started twitching and sniffing.  Seriously what was that?  She was sniffing like she suddenly smelled sh*t and then twitched like someone threw it in her eyes.  As if that wasn’t bad enough she apparently doesn’t allow Mia to see her favorite stuffed animal until pageant day.   This poor little girl suddenly sees her stuffed animal, Mischa, (because everything is Russian.  Everything.) sitting in the audience and just keeps hugging and kissing him.  She’s looking for love and acceptance from this bear since her mother is dead inside.  This will one day lead to promiscuous behavior.  I may not be a psychologist, but I’m pretty sure watching hundreds of thousands of hours of reality television qualifies me to make statements like that.f   Anyway, after the judge cut off Mia on stage Marina loses her mind, screams in a horrific accent, storms out of the “conference hall” and tells her husbands that everyone hates Mia.  “They hates her, they hates her!” Since Mia was born with “ears” she can hear her mother say this and she books it out of the hotel room and shakes in the corner of the hallway.  Like Forest Gump, and with similar intelligence levels, she should have just kept on r-u-n-n-i-n-g.

Leading by good example, Marina keeps telling Mia that she should quit because “it’s over forever” and “surprise you lose.”  Awww, save some of it for the congratulations Hallmark card!  The husband finally convinces Marina to let Mia finish the dumb pageant and this consists of bringing out a wicker table.  Of course she makes it in time for the “celebrity fashion” portion in which everyone basically dresses up like Shirley Temple.  One girl does 10 seconds of Good Ship Lollipop and then, literally, starts doing Beyonce booty-boucnes.  All pedophiles please rains both hands above your head.  Thank you for complying.  In the end, Mia loses her sh*t because she knows she isn’t winning the $10K and Marina sits outside the whole time because she’s a horrific, terrible person.  Mia does win $500 and decides she’ll go to Sea World with her winnings.  Marina will barely look at her.  Perhaps Mia should take a portion of her winnings to hire a black-car to drop her off at Child Protective Services.

Post Script, the girl who actually won the pageant apparently was 11 years old, but I’m pretty sure she was technically 24. Eh, whatever it takes y’all!

So that’s that.  Let’s talk about these trash heaps over on my Facebook page.  Let’s be Facebook friends!  Spread the word…and more!

Related Trashy Links:
Toddlers and Tiaras:  Honey Boo Boo Child!
Teen Mom 2 Recap:  When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens

Teen Mom 2: When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens

Hey y’all it’s time for another episode of “The Night They Realized It’s Not Just For Peeing Anymore.”  In this episode all the girls come to the decision that it’s never too late for adoption and begin to fill out paperwork to get the ball rolling on becoming free-teens again.  I hope I didn’t spoil anything.  I’m kidding.  Nothing happened.  Speaking of nothing happening, join me on my Facebook page and let me know I’m a bad person for making fun of teenage mothers.  It means more to me when I can see the white trash sending the nasty-gram.  Ole!

Jenelle – Well I’m just sittin’ heeeeah havin’ a la-di-da time and BAM all of a sudden Barb just drops a bomb that she’s 57 years old.  Shocking.  She doesn’t look a day over 56.  You totally know that skin got wrinkled from her youthful days of her frolicking on Revere Beach, sipping strawberry-kiwi wine coolers out of a crazy straw, and laying out with a can of Crisco and holding one of those aluminum-mirror things that you put under your face to intensify the tan.  She’s sure to end her day at the beach with a Scallop plate from Kelly’s.  You’re welcome, my dear readers in Boston northshore communities.  However this can’t all just be Barb dream sequences because Jenelle is pitching a b*tch-fit in the kitchen because she hasn’t smoked pot in almost 24 hours and, well, she’s losing her mind.  She makes it seem like it’s such a tough thing to do.  Wow.   She made it 23 hours.  Someone give her a sobriety chip.  And salsa.  Because, well, that’s the way I assume it works.  You see, I’ve never been to a rehab facility because they frown on you continuing your drinking lifestyle.  Bad choices is the new black.  The best part of the entire crapisode was when Jenelle was freaking out and Barb just yells out, “Yaw strung out on weeeeeed, Jenelle!”  followed by heart-felt words such as, “What?  You need drug rehab now?”  Way to may her feel “wrong” for possibly needing rehab.  Can you even go to rehab for pot?  So pathetic.  She’s like that chick from Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab who was on because she was addicted to “love.”  Not sex.  Love.  Oddly enough, I’m addicted to “like.”  P.S., don’t they give the elderly pot for cataracts?  Toughen up, trash can.

After thinking about it during a 45 second conversation with a girl I can only assume is considered a “tough cookie” in her Hello Kitty club, Jenelle is going to move in with Tori and Tylor.  These, my friends, are not the characters from 90210 and Saved By the Bell.  These are actual people.  Although, the leather jacket she’s sporting is very reminiscent of the actual Tori from Saved By The Bell.  I think it’s a great idea that Jenelle move in with these two characters as I’m sure there’s some form of a gang bang in its future.  As a sidenote, how come in 2 seasons we’ve never seen Jenelle smile?  I mean, I only see her teeth when she’s hissing in Barbara’s face.  Regardless, when it’s time to tell Barb that she’s moving out it actually goes better than expected.  Barb thinks it’s a great idea that Jenelle get the Christ out of the bungalow.  I’m sure she’s just excited that Mike is going to be able to finally play “hide the pirate” in Barb’s treasure trove.  As God as my witness I have no idea what that means, but sometimes it’s easier to set the table for a smut joke and just see who shows up to eat.  Ironically that’s the same way that Barb landed Mike, that snaggle-toothed wonder.  Either way, Barb hopes that Jenelle gets her life in order and will at least come to visit Jace one day a week for more than an hour.  I’m sure if you listen carefully you can hear all of The America yell out a collective “no!” in unison.

When it’s finally time to get to the moving portion of the episode, good old snaggle tooth Mike is giving Jenelle a helping hook.  See what I did there?  When they fit one of Jenelle’s gross-bed-bug-infested pieces of furniture into the back of a rusted out pick-up truck Barb just blurts out, “Supppaaah!”  No joke, at first I was like what the hell did she say, but then I quickly understood and was smiling from ear to lopsided ear.  Whilst in the process of moving Tori finds a “love letter” from Queen LaQueefer in which he calls Jenelle a “princess.”  Accurate.  Just like Ursula was a princess.  He says things like “we don’t need to prove our love to anyone” which makes me think they are a modern day Romeo and Juliet and hope that one of the two will swallow the potion to a little trip to “Dirt Nap City.”

After Jenelle moves all her actual literal junk into the new crack den she quickly receives a message from Kieffah on Facebook where he says he misses her, loves her, and he ends the email with “117.”  I’m not sure what “117″ means, but I’ll venture a guess that it’s “beeper code” for “I’ll meet you on the grassy knoll.  Bring soap.”   Jenelle decides to write him back because, most likely, she was sexually molested by one of Barb’s boyfriends growing up.  I don’t think I’m that far off and, well, I’m pretty sure if you think about it, you’ll agree too.  Jenelle is also writing in some type of code whilst emailing Special K back.  She writes things like “yu” instead of “you” and “ohk” instead of “ok.”  She might be trying to be cool, but I think it’s more accurate to assume that she really is that dumb.  In the end, Queefy comes over to the new house to sit on the stairs until Jenelle basically forces and apology from him.  It must be his rotten teeth and crusty green hoodie that she just can’t resist.  They both agree that they’re current status is “just talking” and “working things out” but they say “I love you” and kiss each other whilst dirt and grime clings to them from the stairs…and society.  Somewhere a few streets over, Barb is putting Jace to bed and shaving a smiley face in her lady-bits for Mike.  In this episode, everyone wins.

Leah – “Hey y’all!  I’m in a new house that’s as long and narrow as my momma’s face!”  I’m just kidding it’s round and oversized.  I’m not suggesting that it’s similar to anyone else’s head, but I’m just merely implying that similar to a physic coming over to a house party where everyone gets a reading, well, the geneticist should consider making house calls to the most western parts of West Virginia.  Wow that was a long sentence.  Long and hard just like my…shut yo mouth!  Anyway, Leah is relieved that everything is perfectly normal with Alibaba and is celebrating by decorating her home like any of the people in any of the episodes of Hoarders.  Luckily, even when times are tough, financially, there’s still plenty of empty Mountain Dew bottles scattered all around the house.  Another 10 bottles and Leah will have enough money for 2 more strands of clip-on extensions.  It’s like my 401K plan, y’all!

Meanwhile, Corey comes home in the brightest t-shirt (probably easier to identify the chain-gang cleaning up the side of the interstate) and seems a little bummed out.  It was hard to tell he was bummed out because he’s usually such a mix of piss and vinegar.  Leah really seems concerned and we learn that Corey doesn’t love his job.  At least I think that’s what he was saying.  Even the sub-titles seemed jumbled.  What I did understand, however, is that Corey has big dreams of…wait for it…wait for it…slap your baby…wait for it…you guessed it…being a coal miner.  I’m not saying that a coal miner isn’t a respectable job.  I mean, if it was good enough for the 7 Dwarfs it’s certainly good enough for old beaver teeth in the fluorescent green.

Later, Leah received a typed letter from the gen-et-i-cist (y’all!) saying that basically Alislovakia isn’t out of the woods yet and they’d like to see her again in one year.  The main problem, in my opinion, is that someone is going to have to teach Leah and Corey how to work a standard calendar.  I mean, if it’s not a tear-away Ziggy calendar they’re likely to miss the follow up appointment.  Leah and Corey try to understand what the “cryptic letter” from the geneticist really means.  It is quite tricky since the geneticist was “specific” and “clear” and explained everything.  Sadly, I knew Leah was immediately lost when she called the letter a “form.”  Pass me the form, y’all!  They wind up trying to Google more words that were taken from the “form” to see what the deal is.  Leah ends up getting puzzled and decides that she’s going to call up the geneticist to have them basically read the “form” to her.  Perhaps they should send a pop-up book next time.  Or maybe have it be a “Choose Your Own Adventure” where Leah can choose, “Walk out of the trailer and start a new life without these 3 anchors holding your down….turn to page 99.”

In the end, Leah ends up calling the geneticist and they speak to her for 45 minutes and won’t shut the F up, like they’re guilty of something.  Now you know I couldn’t care less about how this show is edited.  Everyone seems to freak the F out over it, but I couldn’t care less.  The final scene could have been shot in 1986. Perfect.  However, what was kind of strange was that in the “next scene” Leah meets up with Corey to talk about the phone conversation she just had.  They meet outside.  She’s wearing a tank top  and there are leaves on the tree.  Uh, two episodes ago they were opening white trash gifts under the ghetto Christmas tree.  Also, her hair is now so god-damn white it’s actually glowing.  It’s clearly giving Corey’s work t-shirt a run for its money food stamps.  Her scalp is burnt.  As is my brain. Maybe I need an MReyyyyyye on my brain?  Probably.  I’ll Google it.

Kail – Good news!  The Cowardly Lion got bangs!  Seriously, other than that nothing really happened in Kail’s scenes.  All I know is that Jo is pissed about the child support that the court is telling him he owes.  He’s so mad that I suggest he focus that anger and make a “rap song” that can be recorded in his “studio” all whilst Janet booty-claps in the background.  His rapping, overall, is priceless and we can just assume this one would go something like, “My name is Jo and I’m here to say I don’t like child support in a major way.”  How come in the 80’s (and always) whenever “the whites” try to rap it always starts with “My name is _____ and I’m here to say.”  I love the whites.  We are a dumb species.

Kail ends up chatting with her creeptastic friends to get their opinion on the whole “child support” situation.  I think it makes sense she asked people who can barely form full sentences.  I’m pretty sure one of the guys suggested she just shove the baby back up her vagiola.  Sound advice.  After she receives a letter from the people who “do math” and tell you how much money you owe, she calls up Jo so that they can chat.  They both agree to meet at the Tic Toc Diner because, well, that’s just the kind of place they live.  Apparently Jo needs to shell out $470 a month and thinks it’s very unfair.  He needs that money to work on his “music” and you know at least some of that is going to a mustache grooming kit for the Big J!  I jest.  Me gusta Janet y me gusta la lapiz y yo soy IBBBB.  Donde esta el bano, tambien por favor.  Yo toca la guitara.  I’m kidding, I don’t toca that at all.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, these two brainiacs are trying to have a middle-school debate on how much money Jo would have to pay if they were together and if they weren’t together.  I found myself yelling at the TV, “Shut up and just tap the bottle and twist the cap.”  the best part was Kail’s new beautiful hair.  It was so pretty.  They way it was a bowl-cut in the front and long stripper curls going down the sides really made her non-existent chin pop in the natural light.  At one point during the conversation it literally looked like a c0mb-over.  I get sad when bad hair happens to chinless teens.  It’s an epidemic in some of the Slavic countries.  Oh, and is it just me or do you only have images of Janet as an In Living Color “fly-girl” on the regular?  Eh, fine.  I’ll see a geneticist about that problem, y’all!

Chelsea – Every episode is the same with this pile of bricks.  The only change this time is that she’s getting job, or trying to at least.  Her strategy is quite impressive.  She walks into a gym, doesn’t say hello, and just simply says, “Can you give me an application.”  Not even as a question.  Just a general statement.  Since Chelsea still can’t pass the 4th grade and likes to look like Lil Bill in the winter, she’s getting a job in South Dakota called, “Year Round Brown.”  This is misleading as anyone I’ve seen in South Dakota that’s friends with Chelsea is orange all year “round.”  Actually they’re round too.  I think the name of the place should have been, “Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Snooki?”  It has a nice ring (around the tub) to it.

Chelsea does, in fact, get the job and no one seems to care.  Hopefully she’ll finally now have the time to study for GED in between “pressing the ‘on’ button at work.”  Oh, and Adam is still a d*ck because he’s shooting sass up at the camera every two seconds while he and Chelsea fight about why Chelsea has an unhealthy obsession with all things leopard-print.  Or maybe they were fighting about what movie to watch that night.  The point is, I couldn’t care less.  The only thing I was intrigued by was Chelsea’s friend who looked Ricki Lake pre-DWTS.  Other than that, I’m done.  Sorry, I tried.  Spoiler Alert:  I didn’t.

So, my good people, did ya like this recap?  Did ya not?  Either way, click on the “Facebook Recommend” button that I’ve thrown in your face every two sentences so that you can share this dumb website with your underachiever friends.  If I get 500 Facebook “likes” I’ll recap anything you want, unless it’s on Monday – Sunday…then the deal is off.  Also join me on Facebook because that’s where the real magic happens. Tell your mom!

Related Teen Mom Links:
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
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Jersey Shore Recap: On a Very Special Episode of Jersey Shore…

Since the folks over at MTV seem to think we, as viewers, don’t have the ability to retain what we saw during last weeks episode, they decided to start off the latest episode with the last 5 minutes of last weeks episode.  This basically consists of Vinny getting ready to murder-suicide the pants off of Seaside Heights.  Once again Vinny doesn’t think he’ll be able to stay at Pedophile Manor anymore and Yawny keeps on giving him advice like, “Do you just want to drink at the club and take home girls?”  Yeah, because at the end of the day I’m pretty sure nuclear holocaust sounding music and girls with herpes on their face is practically the cure-all for Vinny.

While Vinny is plotting his own death, the rest of the Douche Bag Brigade is still at “da club” making sure their livers don’t have a fighting chance.  Even Grandpa Sitch is getting into the spirit and brings home and actual living breathing girl.  If you recall, this is the same chick from season one that banged him in the hot tub on national television and then fell down a flight of stairs shortly afterward.  Well, if you only scored a combined total of 500 on your SAT’s you really swallow your pride and go home once again with Grandpa Sitch on national television.  The only real problem was that as everyone was walking home it started to downpour.  I truly believe this was God’s way of cleaning these trash bags.  I really, really do. As everyone ran and became soaking wet you could pretty much see orange bronzer and wax running down the gutters of the Boardwalk.  If you look closely you can almost see JWoww in those same gutters eating processed packaged ham and giving a handy to a homeless guy.  Once at home, Sitch and Jionni continue to blur the lines of their interest in each other and Sitch gives him a t-shirt and some clean underwear so he can slip into some dry clothes.  They then begin to cook for each other.  Meanwhile, Sitch’s girl he brought home might as well start going to town on herself in the hot tub because, well, Grandpa looks like he’s found something new, something borrowed, and something that’s about to be blew blue.

The majority of this crapisode deals with Vinny and his “problems.”  Apparently he can’t even get himself out of bed in order to sell t-shirts to poor Italian’s on the beach because of a little something he likes to call “anxiety.”  He ends up going to work and talking to his boss about how he’s been battling depression and anxiety ever since he was a wonky-eyed 16 year old.  Personally, I think he’s fine and he’s just gunning for a Zoloft commercial, but that’s just me.  I also think he’s bumming because of his horrific-terrible haircut.  But the nice part was that all the roommates were incredibly nice and sympathetic to Vinny…probably because they feared for their own tanned lives.  Speaking of which, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has been burnt to a crisp due to too much tanning.  He’s a nice mix of dark brown and fire engine red on his cheeks.  He kinda looks like the Campbell Soup kid, you know, if they had “an ethnic” on the can for a change.  Regardless, since Vinny doesn’t want to drink or go to “da club” the guys decide the next best thing they can all do together to make Vinny feel better is…you guessed it…take him to get a mani/pedi.  This is when I officially threw my sandwich directly into the trash.  Seriously, disgusting.  I mean, if they really wanted him to feel better they should have taken him to an ophthalmologist to get that wondering eye set back on the straight and narrow.  I know a West Virginian geneticist he can see, y’all!

Later “that night” Vinny musters up enough energy to make it out to “da club” with the rest of the goons.  Everyone (except Vinny) is so excited.  VaDeena is finally able to Jersey Turnpike in a tight skirt that allows her stomach to delicately hang over her vaginastein.  But no one is having more fun than Snooki.  She’s falling and spitting and spewing all the  live-long-day.  At one point she just tells Jionni that she wants to make him chicken cutlets and then in the next breath she tells him she hates him.  Sounds like someone has been practicing their future vows!!  More importantly, I’m pretty sure if Snooki and Jionni were back to back, she’d be taller.  He should walk around in stilts because he looks awkward.  He should also cool it on the waxed eyebrows.  He’s beginning to look puppet-like.

Pauly D/Ellen Travolta ends up bringing home some chick who probably has a penis stuffed down her skirt.  After she signs the waver saying that MTV can show her face and whore-like actions on television, she bangs him.  But the night of “love making” must come to an abrupt end because he’s calling her a cab and she’s getting dressed and stealing his LL Cool J gold and diamond chain that’s on the bedroom floor.  But where is she going to be able to store this chain without him seeing it?  Ah yes.  Her vagina.  Place it up the old gentlemen greeter and just, well, hope for the best.  This chick is bricks and can’t find her shoes anywhere so, like a true gentleman, Pauly D send her off into the cab without any shoes like she’s god-damn Pocahontas. The next day he looks everywhere for that damn chain and can’t seem to find.  Since Snooki is living a future life of crime she suggests that the girl stole it and clearly she was right.  To everyone’s shock, this chick comes back over the next day wearing the chain so she can give it back to him and, in exchange, she wants her shoes back.  Sadly for her, they never find her shoes.  I’m sure if they looked a little harder or checked Sitch’s feet, they’d find them.  I hope this girl gets fired from her job after this and fired from life if that’s possible too.

In the end, everyone goes out to “da club” and leaves Pauly D home to chat with Vinny about not killing himself.  Sadly, Vinny has called his sister to come and pick him up as he is leaving Pedophile Manor once and for all.  He claims he needs to go home to “recover” but something tells me he just wants to make sweet Italian love to his mother.  Poor Pauly D.  The whole time Vinny is packing he looks like he’s actually about to burst into tears.  Maybe it’s because Vinny is leaving or maybe it’s just the pain of his face sun-burn but either way there is raw emotion there.  And raw skin.  He helps Vinny pack up his clothes, that typical white men don’t wear, like Vinny is his husband and he’s heading off to war.  Personally, I blame Snooki for all of this. Once you have sex with her your mind clearly begins to disintegrate and you’re never the same.  The episode ends with a cab coming to pick up Vinny and take him to Staten Island, a place that seems absolutely like a god-damn living nightmare.

God is Love,
Rev Run

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Teen Mom 2 Recap: Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia

Programming Note: Dear sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary this was one long episode!  MTV decided to play a round of shenanigans  on me and air Teen Mom last night for two hours.  Two hours!  Therefore, I’ll do my best to remember everything, but the first person to say, “I can’t believe you forgot to mention…” gets the electric chair.  I simply provide an overview.  I’m not a court stenographer.  Moving on.

Jenelle – What an absolute treat this garbage disposal is.  Since Queen LaQueefer has been freed from the slammer by his cousin (aka MTV producers) he decides to text Jenelle because he misses her and wants to see her ASAP.  This makes Jenelle smile from ear to ear and they both agree to meet at some place called Planet Fun or some sh*t like that.  Basically it’s the kind of place where pedophiles hide in the ball pit.  Either way, Jenelle actually tells Barb of her plans, which is a nice change of pace considering she’s decided not to lie to her.  At this point Jenelle could have been giving Barb a recipe for pot brownies because all I could feast my eyes on was Barb’s beautiful freckled shoulders that were peeking out of her pink flammable shirt.  You can only image Mike’s one snaggle tooth trying to kiss and bite those freckled overtired shoulders on the regular.  I just puked in my mouth a little.  I’m kidding.  A lot.

It was so great to see Special K fresh outta the slammaaah.  He certainly looks like he became a woman whilst in there.  To no surprise, Kieffah and Jenelle are wearing their costumes to Planet Fun, which consist of crusty blue and green hoodies from hell.  They decide that sending Special K to jail was a mistake because he never actually beat her up, he just simply shoved her and delicately threw her into a car.  Awww so sweet.  I believe in the south those are just called “Love Taps.”  These two future bank robbers come to an agreement that they’ll never ever fight again.  It’s not their fault, really, since Keiffah was raised in a house where people just yelled all the time and, well, Jenelle was basically brought up by Sam Kinison.  If you pause this scene I’m almost certain you can see Barb in the background playing Ski-Ball and Mike collecting her tickets.  She’s got some arm on her!  Slicing deli meat on the regular is finally paying off in more ways than one.  Two ways, in fact.

Later, Jenelle meets with her attorney who may or may not still be in North Carolina Law School (aka Watching Two Seasons of Judge Judy and Writing a Paper on It) she learns that because she and Keiffah were “high/high yaw both high and smokin’ weeeeeed on my front porch” that she could face upwards of 240 days in jail.  Hopefully it’s the same jail that Amber (Ammbuuuuh) is in and they can be cell sluts and braid each others hair and pick bed bugs off of each others backs. #Dreams.  The wind has been knocked out of Jenelle’s sails when she learns that she can’t smoke pot during this time and how they may have to tell the judge that she smoked about a week ago.  Somehow she tells Barb she’s less nervous about this now that she’s met with her lawyer.  Comedy ensues when Jenelle is about to leave for court and Barb starts freaking out by wishing Jenelle good luck and then just blurts out, “Jenelle.  Don’t liiiiiiie about smokin’ the weeeeeed to the judge.  He’ll throw da book at ya!”  I swear to God I would legit charge upwards of $17,000 on my credit card in order to have dinner and drinks with Barb.  I would just hug her the whole time whilst my head rested on her precious bosom.  I would whisper in her ear, “Talk Boston to me.”  Either way, something tells me that Barb has been through this whole drug/court/judge scenario before because she was like, “Uh-oh Keiffah is DONE!” and even as Jenelle is leaving the house she just keeps shaking her head and yelling, “The weed, Jenelle, don’t lie about the weeeeeeed!” like she was on her death bed and this was the last message she could give her lil b*tch of a daughter (that’s you) before she went into the light.

Court is some serious business and after listening to Barb’s advice on how to act, she knows that she shouldn’t talk, be seen with Kieffah, or for some inexplicable reason place her eyeglasses on top of her head.  Jenelle understands the memo and even knows that Kieffah is supposed to “tuck in his pants” whilst talking to the judge.  Great, that makes sense.  Tuck his pants into his underwear?  I’m confused.  Either way, Jenelle picks up Queen LaQueefer just outside the grassy knoll and he’s decided to wear his green hoodie tucked into his baggy jeans.  Like he couldn’t have robbed a Sears employee for a pair  khakis and a button down?  Hell, that’s basically all Barb has in her closet!  The luck of the drunken Irish is on their side, however, because once they arrive at court they learn that it’s closed due to some snow flurries and has been rescheduled for two months from now.  Special K looks like he’s about to go on the lam.

Even after their gift from Jesus himself about the court delay, things don’t go that great for these two goons.  Jenelle says in her voiceover that they’re trying their best not to get in trouble before their next court appearance.  Seriously?  How is that a hard thing to do?  It’s not like you walk outside and accidentally stab someone.  People don’t get in trouble all the time.  It’s called being a productive member of society.  Things take a turn for the worse when Kieffah reads a text message from Jenelle’s ex-boyfriend about how he wants to hang out again with her.  He freaks the F out and says that she gets text messages from all these guys and he doesn’t have any girls texting him.  Technically, can you text to the payphone in jail?  I’m not quite sure how that works.  And, not for nothing, but if Keiffah got to have boyfriend whilst serving time, why can’t Jenelle have one too?  Special K storms out of the house shouting that they’re done and probably goes to hibernate on the grassy knoll.  He never responds to any of Jenelle’s messages and she remains very calm and collective to all of this.  I’m kidding. She won’t get out of bed and is screaming and shaking and crying.  Poor Barb just wants to go to the Town Hall because she’s gotta pay her god-damn sewer bill, but Jenelle won’t watch Jace for her because she can’t stop crying and listening to an automatic recording that says, “Your call has been automatically forwarded to…” over and over again.

Finally, Queen LaQueefer decides to return her call and comes over to visit Jenelle whilst Barb is out partyin’ her ass off.  Luckily for us, Kieffah is wearing a black Betty White t-shirt and decides to end things with Jenelle.  This causes her to scream “why!?!?!” and when he calls someone to pick him up, Jenelle storms the car like someone just kidnapped Jace and is about to speed off.  I’m kidding. She hates Jace.  Jenelle literally loses her sh*t and is punching his window, gets her hand stuck in his door, and is screaming for him to get out of the car because she loves him so much.  His friends look like they think they can “catch crazy b*tch” so they all speed off leaving Jenelle to walk back to the house and sit in her new white Jetta (which I forgot to mention) and cry her eyes out.  Did anyone notice that she she cries she, legit, looks just like Barb?  Dead on.  And, not for nothing, but this is just a classic case of “Daddy didn’t love me and left us when I was little so I’m trying to find my self-worth and acceptance in bad choices in men.”  If only Jenelle could find her knight in shining armor like Barb has with pirate-obsessed Mike.  A mustache and teeth in armor.

Leah – Hey y’all I’m about to talk about the gen-et-i-cist all god damn episode!  Since the trailer isn’t quite dirty enough already, Leah decides to bring home a filthy rabid cat!  She literally takes it out from under her coat to show Corey and the girls.  Corey looks like he’s pissed that there’s another pussy in the house and the one with the goggles looks like she’s pissed that something else smaller than her can walk.  Calm down, she ends up knowing how to stand.  Leah is all nervous because the physical therapist is coming over, but I’m as excited as can be because usually these characters are a gift from God.  This lady (?) doesn’t disappoint.  She may or may not be “with penis” but that just adds to her charm.  Oh and she has a “mens regular” haircut.  Perfect.  She does fun physical therapy exercises such as, “I’ll sit on the rug and pass the baby to you.”  Looks like the one with the goggles is already improving.  The physical therapist even lets Leah know about some great walking splints that she has that will help the baby (Aliterriaki?) stand up on her own.  She whips out some magazine to show her…but I’m pretty sure it was just  a picture of tissue boxes and duct tape.  She’s standin’ y’all!  When she asks her if she thinks Ali will ever be able to walk, the therapist just shrugs her shoulders and yes, “I think so.”  She couldn’t give less of a sh*t and, to be honest, this is West Virginia we’re talking about.  I mean the schooling and training needed to actually become a physical therapist consists of one thing:  Just don’t have sex with your sibling.  If you can do that, PRESTO!, you’re a physical therapist.

However, everything can’t just be tissues boxes and duct tape because Leah needs to keep sounding out geneticist over and over again.  One of these days she’ll get it right by the second try.  Practice makes perfect!  Unfortunately by the time they actually get to the geneticist the cameras aren’t allowed inside so we’re forced to listen to Leah and Corey try to recap what they learned as they sat in the truck.  Apparently they think she has some kind of dysplasia and Leah and Corey seem more scared about pronouncing that big word than even knowing what it means.  Not that any of this is funny, but I like how they’re like “So we went to see my mom to see if she could help us figure out what it was.”  I mean she’s a god damn dental assistant.  The best part is that she was acting like she was an actual doctor, so she shows them to the computer and Leah looks like, “so you mean this sex-box can give us information too, y’all?”  Thank God for Google auto-complete or this search could have gone on for hours.  They read all the symptoms and while the one with the goggles doesn’t have many of those symptoms she does have a few.  However, Leah’s mom and stepdad (who I’m pretty sure if the mother’s brother) both look like, “Oh sh*t!  We have all those symptoms!”  That explains a lot.  A lot.  Corey don’t want to talk about it no more and says “the conversation is over.”  We know this because of the sub-titles.  Had it not been for the sub-titles I would have assumed he was reciting a nursery rhyme.

In the end, after waiting a long four weeks for the results Leah finally gets the call that the one with the goggles is fine and doesn’t need to come back to the doctor for 1 year.  Um, yeah, something is definitely wrong with her.  If West Virginia can’t give them answers they should at least try doctors in regular Virginia and, well, I’m not good with the map but is there a South or North Virginia because, if so, I would try that too.  At least Alilaqueesha is showing some promise because Leah’s mom taught her how to stand up against the coffee table and suddenly she leaves us with this mental picture, “You know what I just remembered?  Leah, I taught you how to walk by placing cheese puffs all along the rug because you loved you some cheese puffs.”  And that, my friends, sums up everything I ever needed to know about this family…and why there are orange stains on the carpet.

Chelsea – Two hours of this pile of bricks?  No thanks.  Let’s go quickly because, let’s face it, I’m just as tired typing all this as you are reading it.  Chelsea has to move out of the house she’s staying in because the owners want to sell it.  That’s code for, “the Board of Health wants to condemn it because she lives like a Hoarder.”  So, Randylicious is going to get her a new place and, in turn, Chelsea is going to dye her hair the blondest blond that South Dakota can find.  I’m not kidding, it was white.  Like Walgreen’s Halloween aisle 7 fright wig white.  And I’m pretty sure she got extensions too which looked like were pulled from Paris Hilton’s head circa 2002.  It looked awful.  And, as punishment, they should have dyed her no-no the same color just to teach her a lesson.  What was strange was by the time she got home to chat with her friend Megan her hair wasn’t as white…but then later when talking to Adam, it was white again.  I mean I couldn’t give 2 Aubree-sized sh*ts but I want to get to the bottom of what happened.

Megan spills the scripted beans to Chelsea that she is knocked to the up.  I’m not sure what the big surprise was.  I mean, when Megan walked into the house her stomach was pushing out of her coat and she was basically swinging the baby around by the umbilical cord.  She should have just handed it over to Chelsea and been like, “Here.  Aubree did this while you were gone.”  Sidenote, what the hell happened to Megan’s face? It’s like her chopped bangs are trying their best to attack it!  And you totally know that if MTV doesn’t make Megan a permanent cast member in the next two years she’s totally going to try and flush that baby down the toilet by its 2nd birthday.  She should do it in the bathroom of a Prom because I hear those girls have a lot of success with the flushing.  Plus, you get to do the Electric Slide right afterwards.  Boogie Oogie Oogie Oggie.

In the remaining two hours nothing good happens except Chelsea found a new apartment that her dad can pay for.  I mean, she’s decided to step up to the plate and pay the water bill and junk.  The best part was that the realtor guy couldn’t have cared less and suddenly during the walk-through was like, just sign here and then handed her the keys and was like “congratulations” without a smile.  Maybe he’s just pissed that he didn’t get the memo that in South Dakota in the middle of the winter you’re supposed to be naturally orange. Noted.

Kail – Issac’s first birthday/confrontation with Janet and her sour puss and Janet Jackson Escapade hair/Kail’s Snooki poof/creepy cousins/Jordan buying Issac sneakers that he can’t wear until he’s 5/Kail crashes her car/crying because she can’t afford the tow-truck even though she makes about $75K from MTV/buys a horrible two-door green car from some future contestant on the Biggest Loser/files in court for child support from Joe/Janet is going to kill her and/or have a dance-off with her Rhythm Nation-style.  5..4…3…2…1.

Discuss.

Sorry folks these 2 hour episode give me a case of “the sleepy” and “the angry.”  It’s too much and I want to flush my junk down the toilet.  So, feel free to discuss Kail and Chelsea in more detail in the comments section.  Hell, maybe I’ll even chime in.  In the meantime, if you liked this please click on the “Recommend” buttons I placed all over this b*tch so you can share it with your garbage pail kids on Facebook.  Help me sell out!

Speaking of which, join me on my own Facebook page where everyone won’t stop writing comments every two seconds about Teen Mom no matter what I write.

Related Teen Mom 2 Links:
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Ken is Definitely the Cursed Tiki (Doo Doo Doooo)

For me, everything goes back to The Brady Bunch and this crapisode, well, is of no exception.  Everyone is still in Hawaii because it’s Mauricio’s birthday and apparently this is the kind of party you have when Estrella has a new face and won’t bake you a birthday cake in the shape of a taco with queso for frosting.  Kim has finally made it onto the island and while she says she was only a few hours late, we later learn that a few hours actually equals 36.  After taking a shot of confidence juice, Mauricio decides to call Kim’s boyfriend, Ken, out on why they were so late for this dumb birthday party.  Even though Kim’s voice was on camera in the previous episode saying that she was missing the plane because she misplaced her license and crack pipe, they’re now going with a whole new story with all sorts of twists and turns and include the fact that Ken had to work…even though he is “retired.”  Evidently this was the one day during the week where he had to work.  Ken handles this “take no prisoners” line of questioning like a champ by shaking, twitching, spitting, and stuttering all whilst trying to answer the questions.  Basically he’s doing an impersonation of Kim.  The only way I’d believe that Ken was a retiree is if he was the original Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.  That goes without saying.  Kim tries to sweep things under the rug by pretending they’re having a wonderful time at their outdoor dinner overlooking the ocean even though I’m almost certain right now Kim thinks she’s having sandwiches in the ball-pit of Chuck E. Cheese’s with the lady who played Thelma on Amen.  And you know what?  I wish she was.  I wish she really was.  (Doo Doo Dooooo)  At one point, Mauricio gives a toast about “truth” and then gives Kim the side-eye and when he asks her to confess she, too, starts shaking and spraying everywhere.   Why does Mauricio think he’s more of a housewife than Dana this season?

As if Kim’s trip couldn’t be more cursed she overslept the morning when everyone was going snorkeling because she didn’t realize for 3 days that her phone didn’t work so she missed her wake-up call.  That’s probably because in a drug induced stupor, Kim was using her phone as a bar of soap.  Kyle and Lisa Vandershutyourmouth bang on Kim’s door and eventually hop the balcony to see if they can see what’s going on in Kim’s room and, quite honestly, how a fully functioning meth lab works.  It’s basically like Mr. Wizard, but for adults.  How this turned into an episode of Three’s Company is beyond me, but I was waiting for Mr. Firley to pop out of the balcony bushes with binoculars around his neck and a Pina Colada in his hand while Lana fanned herself on the lounge chair in the background. Just me?

Kyle has had enough and so she decides that they’re no longer going to wait for Kim and Ken’s uppers to become downers so they all decide to go on the boat without them.  By the time Kim finally makes it to the dock, the boat is long gone and Kim takes the next 20 minutes to keep saying that “everything happens for a reason” and how “relaxed” she was just sitting on a plastic chair and eating lunch.   I honestly have no idea what these two are talking about.  They’re not even really talking to each other.  They’re just saying unique statements into the wind, basically.  While Kim keeps saying that everything happens for a reason, Ken starts talking about how his eye got poked and he doesn’t know how.  Ken!  For the love of God you’ve got to wear protective goggles whilst melting down 27 packages of Sudafed (the kind behind the pharmacy if ya know what I mean).  Clearly I don’t know how meth is made but the people at the Walgreen’s pharmacy sure think I do because they basically make me swear on a Bible at the register that I won’t make meth out of their special Sudafed.  Is that the drug that you put on a metal spoon and use a busnson burner?  Either way.

We get about a 3 minutes glimpse of Taylor and since the rest of the cast is off the mainland she decides to head over to Dana’s house to tell her that her marriage is over.  If I were Dana I would have been like, “Finally!  Now you can go back to making pizza without vegetables again!”  Ouch, the car door hurts!  Next.  In an even more strange scene, Adrienne, her Christmas tree hair, Paul, his weird thumb, and Kim are walking the hotel grounds and are all discussing what nice guy Ken is.  Suddenly Ken comes out of the woods and tells them that he doesn’t like what they’re talking about because he knows it’s about him.  He then blames Adrienne’s facial expression for all of this.  Adrienne looked as if “the help” just asked her for Christmas Eve off.  She was frightened and I’m pretty sure I saw her grab her purse (and fart).

In the end everyone gets together one last time for day 77 of Mauricio’s birthday dinner and Kyle wants to talk about why Kim missed her flight.  Suddenly, like Taylor, Ken finally finds his voice and is not afraid to use it.  He simply says, “We don’t care” when Kyle keeps pushing for the truth about the mystery of the trip delay.  Well, there you have it.  If I were Kyle I would have sucker-punched him with my size 10 hands and then used her hair to strangle him and or cover his facia bruta.  I mean, why should we have to suffer too?  Kim and Ken end up leaving the dinner because Kyle keeps trying to make some form of a storyline out of this when we all know that if she just confronted her about her substance abuse this crew could potentially win the Emmy.  Suddenly when I thought their argument couldn’t get any dumber they shift gears and start fighting over whether or not Kyle really does, in fact, talk on her cell phone whilst driving.  No really, Kim brought that up.  Clearly she’s trying to get Kyle in trouble with Oprah and, well, no one needs that.

Overall I think this was a bit of a snooze, although I could watch Kim sit on the couch and just stare for upwards of 90 minutes.  At least next week Taylor is back and this time she’s attending a party where she’s poorly covering up a little shiner that someone gave her.  I mean, if she burnt the roast what else could she expect?  You need to baste it constantly.  CONSTANTLY!

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