Jersey Shore Recap: I.F.F, J420, and T-Shirt Time. We Have A Lot to Learn.

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Thursday night television hasn’t been this good since NBC’s “Must See TV.”  Real Housewives and Jersey Shore are like the “Friends” and “Seinfeld” of our generation.  Although unless they change the name to “Bethenny Getting Jersey Shore’d” I’m staying true to my alliance with Jersey Shore.  Here’s what went down on last nights crapisode:

• Ronnie and his coke eyes leave “da club” and head back to Casa de Golden Girls to brag to the guys that he’s about to get into bed with Sammi SweatStains.  So we’re all on the same page, we think Ronnie was either on coke or ecstasy, yes?  Because when I’m that drunk my eyes are usually tiny little slits (not to be confused with “sluts”) by the end of the night and I can barely see.  Ronnie, on the other hand, is all wide-eyed and bushy-permed.  Someone call Candy Finnigan and Jeff because all I see is a bunch of people here who love you like crazy and want you to join the good fight.
• Why is Ronnie’s t-shirt so long?  It’s like a dress.  It’s like if he put a big belt over it he’d be Punky Brewster circa 1988.  Oh Henry.  Oh Punky.
• Ronnie ends up falling into Sammi’s twin sized bed that appears to be in the closet and falls asleep dreaming of sweet things like IROCs, Drakkar Noir, and future construction jobs.
• The next morning Ronnie has no clue what happened the night before so he stumbles throughout the house until he finds Pauly D/Ellen Travolta chit-chattin’ on the phone and giggling like a school girl.  Sidenote, I miss the duck phone.  It’s so rude they didn’t bring it.  Anyquack, just when America (and southern parts of Canada) were starting to understand what GTL meant we now have to learn a new acronym.  This time around, from Pauly D, we learn that Ronnie is part of the I.F.F.  What does I.F. F mean you ask?  Great question.  Keep ‘em coming.  I.F.F stands for the “I’m F*cked Foundation.”  Pauly D lets us know that Ronnie is not only the president, but he’s also a client.  Oh Pauly D, talk like that makes me not regret thinking that you do intercourse with your mom.
• Later the “ladies” head to to do a little shopping at “Funky” which is basically a sex shop that also sells clothes.  This pleases JWoww ShamWow more than anything because she finally feels like she’s in her element.  Sammi, on the other hand, likes the store because she feels that this is where “trannies” shop, which now makes complete sense to me why ShamWow is so (fist) pumped right now.  I always knew JWoww had a ding-a-ling.  That’s a tranny, right?  Like, a tranny has a dinky-doo and a set of boobie-doo’s right?  Or is it when they snip of their dingle-dangle?  It’s hard to decipher and also I’m out of nicknames for your privates.  Oh wait.  Dig-Dogger.  Ok, I’m done.
• JWoww squeals with delight when she tries on this shirt which is basically a little piece of material with the entire front cut out.  Her boobs are stuffed in there so tight and are so pressed against the front of the shirt that it looks like two puppies trying to break free from a plastic bag.
• Snooki (God bless that spawn of Danny Devito and Lil Kim) on the other hand has just purchased a pair of “crystaled out” sunglasses for almost $400.  Because when Snooki is at the register with her bedazzled shirt and jeweled Ed Hardy trucker hat I was totally thinking, “You know what, Snooki needs a little more bedazzling.”  Honestly, she can’t even see out of the sunglasses but buys them anyway because (1) she’s getting paid a sh*t ton and (2) when there are people who can’t afford food at least they can take comfort in the fact that Snooki looks like a tanned midget Lady Gaga impostor.  I know I do.
• It’s dinner night for “the kids” and Grandpa Situation lets us all know that they’ll be cooking some steaks, some chicken and “possibly some pasta.”  Possibly?  Really?  Is that, like, a big decision that still needs to be made?  Are you cooking pasta or not for dinner?  I want to know now.  I don’t want to have to wait all episode until this mystery is finally revealed.
• Like when Bobby Brady would drop a banana peel on the kitchen floor and minutes later Alice would enter the scene you totally knew that the same outcome would happen when Grandpa Sitch placed the raw chicken in the refrigerator and minutes later Snooki comes home, not being able to see thanks to her glasses, and looking for pickles.  Annnnnnd, cue the raw chicken attacking Snooki when she opens the fridge. The marinade gets all over Snooki.  Good luck cleaning that up and figuring out what is orange sauce and what is orange skin.  I say leave the chicken on the floor and just toss Snooki in the oven at 375º for 45 minutes or until she browns….which is basically already done so I say just eat her.
• Later Sammi SweatStains goes through Ronnie’s phone book and notices that he has called his ex-girlfriend.  Um, phone book?  Who the hell has an actual phone book?  It’s like it’s 1988.  I guess that explains his oversized t-shirts.  It’s all making sense to me now.  Regardless, Sammi is pissed and, once again, fights with Ronnie and tells him to go F himself and have a good life.
• Sidenote:  When did this show turn into Big Brother?  There are cameras everywhere.  On the ceiling, in the hallways, behind the mirrors.  Does the cast know this?  Does anyone else, besides, me think of these things?  Moving on.
• Ronnie fills him ShamWow (not literally….yet) that he had a 1992 MTV Spring Break Three-Way Kiss with some skanks at “da club” and then he “motorboated” the shot girl on stage.  All while he’s saying this JWoww looks like she’s in an absolute state of bliss.  You can almost see cartoon hearts floating around her head and cupid hitting her with an arrow.  She’s in love, you guys, and this is the kind of romantic talk that really gets her going.
• Meanwhile, Grandpa Situation has to call to order some food to be delivered and leaves his name as “Situation.”  The guy on the other end of the phone doesn’t understand his name and couldn’t care less.  This is what my old literature class called “foreshadowing.”  We’ll talk about this in 3 years if this blog is still alive and kicking.
• JWoww goes in to take a shower to wash 24 years of filth off her body and we all find out that you can basically see right through the bathroom door and see a foggy, yet naked, ShamWow.  Seriously between the hidden cameras and this see-through bathroom door you know the perv from MTV who set all this up is playing with his razz-a-matazz while watching the unedited footage.
• ShamWow later spills the beans that Angelina Trash Bags talked crap about Snooki and her boyfriend in the past and this is what sets Snooki off.  She goes to confront Angelina, but not before making sure her crystal sunglasses were on, her tracker hat was securely fastened to her head, and she had her yard-glass that she is, for some reason, drinking out of in the house.
• Snooki confronts Angelina and Angelina wants to know who she heard this from.  JWoww says that she talked sh*t to her friends and Angelina wants to know their names.  Oh good God this can’t be good.  It’s not.  JWoww does give her friends names which consist of: J420, Joey-Angst and Bill.  Bill?  You know they must like Bill these least because he doesn’t have a name that sounds like an AOL chatroom lurkers screen name.
• JWoww is ready to fight Angelina, but since she is a lady, she gives Angelina three options which are (1) Stay and get her ass beat.  (2) Stay and get her ass beat. (3) Stay and get her ass beat.  Oh I would go with what’s behind curtain number 3!
• A Moment That Made Me Laugh:  As the fight is going on, the phone rings and it is, of course, for Angelina.  Snooki answers and when the person asks if Angelina is there Snooki responds with, “No.  She died” and then hangs up the phone.  Good old Snook.  Friend ’til the end.
• Ronnie is telling Sammi SweatStains that he loves her so much.  They decide to try and work things out.  Seriously, put on another record because this one is broken.  Yawn.  However, during Ronnie’s one-on-one interview he says that it’s kind of weird and that “We’re not Saved By the Bell.  We’re not Zach and Kelly.”  He’s right.  He totally has a point.  They’re not Zach and Kelly.  They’re more like Tori and Slater.  Everyone knows that.  Next.
• For some reason, the Douche-Bag-Brigade is going to be working at a gelato shop because, well, that’s one stereotype he didn’t touch upon last year.  Honestly they better be wearing plastic gloves while serving this gelato.  Imagine having ShamWow serve you gelato with her bare hands?  Instead of a side of biscotti I hope it comes with a side of tetanus.
• Ronnie decides to randomly get a tattoo on his walk home because, well, that’s a snap decision kind of thing.  He’s scared and so Sammi holds his hand during the process so that he doesn’t cry and scream like a little girl.  Somehow by Sammi holding his hand Ronnie takes this as a sign that Sammi will always be there for him.  Maybe it’s because all she kept on saying was “I’m always here for you.  Always.”  Seriously he’s getting a tattoo not going in for brain surgery.  Although…it probably wouldn’t hurt.
• T-Shirt Time!  Sounds fun, what is it?  Oh.  Basically T-Shirt Time consists of wearing either your black or white wife-beater while you’re at the house drinking and then right before you leave for “da club” you put on your “fresh” new T-Shirt.  Ohhh so that’s how it works.  Thank God there was a full explainer.
• At “da club” it’s Angelina’s turn to get fall down drunk and she doesn’t disappoint.  She’s dancing with girls, falls off the couch, and starts fighting with Pauly D/Ellen Travolta over the engaged/married/huh girl that he’s dancing with/kissing.  So basically Angelina fulfilled all of her contractual obligations.
• Angelina brings her drunken antics back home and gets extra creepy with Pauly D and Grandpa Situation.  She’s telling them that she loves them, and then she starts crying, and then she tells Pauly D that she wants to marry him one day.  Oh, and then she literally slow motion slaps him in the face.  Also, they all have their sunglasses on in the house.  Did we ever mention that Grandpa Situation’s sunglasses are always crooked and falling down his nose?  Well, they do.
• In the end Angelina follows them outside until Pauly D screams at her (Ike Turner style) and tells her that no one in the house likes her and now he and Grandpa Sitch don’t like her either.  He forgot to mention America.  America doesn’t care for her either.  I bet Mexico likes her though.  Is Mexico not in America anymore?  Damn I knew I should have paid attention during Social Studies.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Sometimes Thursday is Wednesday Too

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. Even though HCW only comes but once a week I feel like I’m trash-bag-status enough for every day to be HCW. In fact, I’m currently writing congress to make this a national holiday. I’m not quite sure what any of this means, but what I do know is that this week Harriet sends mixed messages to your co-workers and helps even the dumbest skanks (and those who love them) find their “happy place.” Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Ever wonder why all these companies are shutting their doors after 50+ years of business? Sure some of it is because of….well….um…I don’t know…something the housing market did? I’m not quite sure as the majority of my attention over the past few years has been focused on The Hills and Jersey Shore, but I’m also pretty sure that it’s because “workers” are slackers in 98% of the cases. Introducing the “Cubicaller Doorbell!” So the next time you’re busy at “work” checking Facebook, planning your next trip, raising fake animals on Farmville, and reading IBBB you certainly don’t want to be taken by surprise so, clearly, you need Nosey Nicole who sits next to you to ring your new cubical doorbell. This gives you plenty of notice to quickly hit “Alt F4” or simply pull the plug from your sex-box-machine. Enjoy such fancy doorbell noises like, “bird call,” or “alien laser,” or perhaps even the popular “funky drum,” you know, whatever the hell that’s supposed to be. I’m hoping I can record some of my own sounds or phrases like, “I could care less that your kid is selling wrapping paper to raise money for their Catholic school tuition. I have my own financial mess to deal with.” Or maybe even something like, “Buzz. I know it looks like I’m sitting here working, but in reality I’ve been mentally checked out since we moved offices in late 2006. Leave a message. Beep.” And finally who can’t resist the most popular, “If I wanted to go to yet another office birthday cake celebration I’d be as big as the receptionist, fat ass.” Thanks, Harriet, for helping me find yet another way to, you know, not do work and just have fun at my desk. Every day is like a friggin fiesta with you. Trash heap.

Product # 2 – Hey ladies, is your husband/partner/dog (who tends to enjoy licking up peanut butter from odd places) having a hard time finding your “tender vittles?” Do you usually feel like you’re doing “the banging” with Lewis and Clarke and yet they still can’t find the great American West even though they brought along a map, Sacajawea and her infant son? Well if you answered, “I’m a slam-pig” to any of these questions the medical experts at Harriet Carter have finally invented a product for even the whoriest of whores. Feast your eyes (and possibly fingers) on the “G-Spot Stimulating Gel” that comes with the official the “Find It” Guide. I’m not sure what “it” is, but let’s all assume we ain’t (ai-not) talking about the pot of gold at the end of skanky rainbow. Who needs to even test this when right on the “guide” it has a ringing endorsement that says, “Ooooh! That’s it!” I believe them because they’ve used a lot of “o’s” and even two exclamation points. Apparently when you squirt this into your tropical rainforest a pink heart sprouts from between your legs. I’m not sure if that acts like a cork when you try to pee but, hey I’m no doctor and I don’t claim to be 76% of the time. According to the description, they’re bragging that this product is “Menthol free” so I’m pretty sure that means that it’s safe to smoke? Either that or it helps cure a sore throat. Again, not a certified doctor. You can use this product, however, a total of 40 times (or 20 times if your partner is as intuitive as Helen Keller). I have to be honest; I really want to see what’s in that “guide.” Is it like the map from Dora the Explorer? I’ll assume a “map to the G-spot” consists of a bottle of wine, diamond earrings, and compliments like “Did you lose weight” and “I really appreciate all that you do for me.” At the same time, who am I kidding? I could barely make it to the Oregon Trail (and I was a banker from Boston!) so I’m going to need that “guide” along with a video and, most likely, a 24-hour customer service hotline.

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Teen Mom Recap: Everyone Has a Better Valentine’s Day Than Me

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It’s Valentine’s Day for the young mothers of Teen Mom and I just realized that whilst I tee off on them on a weekly basis they technically have a better love life than me and are about 5 10 years younger than me.  I’m pretty sure that’s what the kids call “karma.”  I just checked.  It is.  Here’s what went down in another snowy crapisode of Teen Mom:

Maci -  It’s a big episode for Maci as her friends have come over to visit her and Bint-Lee and awkwardly teach her how to flirt since they are all heading out to “da club” shortly.  Maci has no idea how to talk to guys or respond to them for that matter and is all nervous and junk.  Perhaps her pick up line should be, “Hey, I just pushed a human through my vag.  Buy me a drink?”  This will show the gentleman that she has done naughty boom boom, likes to drink, isn’t afraid to leave her baby at home while mommy goes out to party, and possibly has room to park a compact car in her parking space…if ya know what I mean.  And I think you do.  Later Maci gets a call from her ex-boyfriend/friend, Kyle, and I am all embarrassed while she talks to him on the phone at school.  She is so socially awkward with guys.  How she tricked one dude into fathering a child for her is beyond me.  Also, Maci’s friend is totally Debbie Downs (which started out as a typo, but now I think it sounds worse than Debbie Downer and, well, I’m keeping it).  Once Valentine’s Day rolls around Ryan, a man of many words, drops off Bint-Lee back at Maci’s casa and his new girlfriend is sitting in the truck looking out at Maci and what her future will be if she doesn’t keep those legs shut.  I mean, I know the cameras, lights, and mic pack looks glamorous, but you still get a child out of it and, well, I’m sure that’s hard work.  The next day Maci decides to go visit her high school friends, who I can only assume live in Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure, and her ex-boyfriend Kyle so that she can go and make Bint-Lee a new brother or sister…or both!

Amber -  I have to admit, Amber and Gary/Roseanne and Dan are quickly becoming my favorite couple on Teen Mom and that says a lot since I typically put Catelynn’s mom and Butch on a pedestal.  For Valentine’s Day, Amber and her cousin (who is basically the Stephanie Pratt of this series) head out to buy Gary a gift, which ends up being a key.  Yes, a key.  Amber is going to tell Gary it’s a “key to her heart.”  I mean, between the engagement ring that Gary bought Amber last year at Walmart and her buying him a key it’s like they’re really taking that “less is more” thing too literal….except for when it comes to junk food.  Later Roseanne and Dan send the kids off to Crystal’s and exchange their big gifts with each other.  Gary bought Amber one rose, a stuffed animal that was more than likely won from a dirty carnival, and then a beautiful (puke) bracelet.  Looks like someone upgraded to Sears!  To celebrate I think they totally should have unprotected sex.  Once they all head out for dinner Amber actually says, “We’re out at a fancy restaurant having a nice dinner.”  Ugh.  Ok.  The wallpaper is stained yellow, the plants in the background are half dead, and they’re drinking out of plastic Coke cups.  Ooo la la.  Do you have to bring your passport to go to such a worldly place?  In typical Roseanne and Dan fashion they begin fighting during dinner, which leads to fighting in the car, and then spills into the house once they’re home.  Did I mention they’re fighting over not being engaged?  Yeah.  Amber, at 17, wants to be engaged because she thinks she’s ready.  At least that’s what she’s screaming, I’m not quite sure.  I’m not sure what her rush is.  She’ll need at least 1 year to plan the wedding and give the tanning salon ample notice so she can take the weekend off to honeymoon at the Cincinnati Red Roof Inn.  In the end Amber is crying at home with her Lauren Conrad makeup tears and Gary ends up re-purposing her engagement ring into a “promise ring.”  Way to save another $24.99, Gar!  Also, was Amber having a breakdown?  Clean yourself up, you’re on national television!

Catelynn – Wait.  Why was Catelynn’s moms baby “temporarily” living with his dad?  Meth binge?  And more importantly what could the father look like?  Do you think she traded up or traded down to Butch?  Anyway, for the 15th time in 2 weeks they’re all moving into a new house, except this one is bigger and has plenty of forehead room.  Meanwhile, Tyler’s mom wants him to act like he’s a 17 year old kid again instead of Tyler feeling guilty for giving up his child and wanting to stay home to pretend to take care of her.  Huh?  I is confuseded.  Also, I’m making this into a drinking game.  Every time Tyler’s mom bugs out her eyes, do a shot.  For Valentine’s Day Tyler and Catelynn exchange gifts.  I’m not sure why Catelynn didn’t get red elastics on her braces to celebrate the day.  Missed opportunity.  The nice couple head out ice skating in Tyler’s brand new car.  Catelynn calls it a “car” but I’m pretty sure his “car” is more of a “moving sex room.”  Once ice skating Tyler sticks out like a sore thumb on the ice with his baggy jeans, sideways hat, blank face, and 90’s phrases like, “Oh snap!”  He’s like the male version of a Bratz doll.  Sort of.  Well not really at all.  I’m keeping it.  In the end, the adoption lady convinces Tyler to talk with another dad who went through an open adoption so that he will start feeling less guilty and start living his life again.  Tyler ends up calling a “dad” and cries and this makes me feel bad.  In times like this I really want to see his mother’s eyes bugging out.  What I mean is, I want a shot.

Farrah – Ugh.  This one again.  Seriously, Farrah yells at her mom and dad on the regular.  I bet when she calls 411 and the recording says, “What city and listing?”  Farrah replies, “I hate you and I don’t need your help!”  Per usual, Farrah tells her mother that she never wants to see her again (stay off TMZ then).   Later Farrah, literally, leaves her baby in a sink filled with water while she is in the other room.  Farrah comes back into the kitchen only when she hears Sophia start crying because she turned on the hot water and burned herself!  Insane. Next thing you know she’ll have Sophia flipping burgers on the grill while Farrah tans her worm-like body.  Honestly, kids can die from that.  I saw that on The Today Show.  That’s where I learn most of my parenting tips anyway.  I mean, I don’t own any kids yet, but once I do I’m going to know how to keep them safe thanks to television.  Farrah heads off to therapy and, well, this is where all my previous comments make me feel really douchey.  We learn that when Farrah told her mom she was pregnant her mom called her a whore.  Oh, that part didn’t make me feel bad.  I giggled like a school girl in heat when I heard that.  I felt bad when we learned that the father of Farrah’s baby had died and her Who-like mother couldn’t have cared less.  This makes me so mad that I want to go out and have unprotected sex and get my own TV show.   And a baby!  Once it’s Sophia’s birthday, Farrah makes them t-shirts for some reason and allows her “parents” to come to dinner with them.  Seriously, it’s the most awkward dinner ever. Ever.  Everyone, for some inexplicable reason, is doing odd cartoon voices.  Debra, alone, is doing a mix of Kermit the Frog, Fozzie Bear, and Elmer Fudd.  If this show ever ends, Debra can totally land some voice-over work.  And if they ever make a sequel to How the Grinch Stole Christmas she’ll totally get cast for that.  Anyway,  Farrah is trying to read Sophia the birthday card she bought for her and can’t get through the whole thing because her mom is constantly interrupting.  No joke, I was so nervous during this scene.  I actually glanced down at the table to see if there were any knives there.  Gulp.  I hope I don’t dream about Debra trying to kill me tonight.  Oh God.  I imagine she’ll chase me with a butcher knife all whilst doing a Kermit the Frog impression.  Spooky.

Happy Valentine’s Day young mothers and those who are on the show still even though they don’t have a kid!

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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: This Christening Officially Made Me an Italian Citizen

It’s the crapisode we’ve all been waiting for when, not only, is Dina back for a spell, but also because Kim G has an altercation with Danielle and swears a truck-driver in heat.  Me gusta Monday nights!  Here’s what went down last night on RHONJ (as “the kids” call it):

• Santa Christ on a horse.  Teresa and Barney Rubble are planning the christening of Audriana and, guess what, they’re having it at the Brownstone.  Barney, who has somehow stolen Ricky Martin’s Livin’ La Vida Loca sweater (and stretched it the hell out) looks to be having mini heart attacks as Teresa starts explaining what she wants as this event.  Basically, she wants cocktail hour, a sit down dinner, and ice sculptures of Barney shooting marinara sauce out of his Mr Winky into a cake shaped like the Leaning Tower of Pisa all while cannoli falls from the ceiling like snowflakes and old Italian women stomp grapes in a 24 karat gold plated bidet.  You know, the norm.  I have no idea why they’re having money problems.  Clearly they live on a budget.
• Meanwhile, Danielle finds new and exciting ways to embarrass her daughter on national television.  That’s right, we’re at the vaginastein doctor.  Pervert.  Danielle continually asks Christine if she’s a “good girl” until the receptionist looks like she’s loading a gun under her desk.  Honestly, this is so awkward.  I’m waiting for Danielle to ask to see Christine’s Wu Tang Clan so she can see if she’s still a virgin.
• The doctor is talking to Christine about how she’s eventually going to get HPV (and shrivel up and die) and how you can pass along STDs through oral sex.  This is when Christine taps her mom on her shoulder in a way that basically says, “Hey slam-pig, keep all your lips closed because you’re the perfect candidate for some gnarly sex viruses.”  At least that’s what I think the shoulder tap said.  Anyway, Danielle thinks the best sex is “no sex.”  I thought she said she’d want her daughters to only have phone sex because that was the safest sex? Maybe online cam sex would work too.  It’s a tough call.
• And enter Kim G.  Chris and John are playing pool in the basement and Kim G comes down to bring a bowl of popcorn and to make sure she gets some camera time.  I almost didn’t recognize Kim G with her hair not hairsprayed up to the heavens.  She’s trying her best to have Chris set up a lunch date with Caroline, in an attempt to be in every scene this episode.  I’m sure we’ll see her serving antipasto at Teresa’s christening party in about 10 minutes. Ole!
• What in the name that is holy and good in this world?  It’s time to get ready for the christening party.  Honestly, what the hell is everyone wearing?  It looks like they’re in a small town play and are all playing the role of “Little Girl on Christmas.”  Of course the “fabulous sisters” are wearing little gowns with oversized bows in their oversized curly hair.  Barney Rubble remains shirtless, which is just a friendly reminder of why we shouldn’t eat whilst watching this show.  Dina shows up dressed like a peasant girl with her rack almost hanging out, which is very appropriate for a christening and the church.  Finally they dress up Audriana like she’s about to explode in a Glamor Shots photoshoot.  I’m not a lawyer or an officer of the law, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to have on that much lace and puff.  Oh, and Barney is all pissed off about all the pictures he has to take.  Although I’m sure the $11 million in debt doesn’t sit well with him either.  He says the flash from the camera hurts his eyes.  I bet he just doesn’t like having to stand on an apple box every time he needs to take a picture with someone.
• Danielle heads over to Kim G’s compound to let her know that she wants to look for her biological mom.  Apparently she’ll only be 15 years older than Danielle.  Shut the F up.  If Kim G ends up being Danielle’s mother I’m going to have intercourse with my television.  Again.
• Gross Alert:  Danielle starts tearing up (from her eyes) when talking about looking for her real mom and she says, and I quote, “I just want to smell her.  I just want to smell my mom.”  Kim G says what we’re all thinking and responds with, “Oh boy.”  Exactly.  Why do I have a feeling by the season finale we’re going to witness Danielle sniffing Kim G’s crotch and yelling, “Mommy?”
• Well, the christening party didn’t disappoint.  There were ice sculptures, loaves of bread that had Audriana’s name on them, silver buckets filled with shrimp and, for some inexplicable reason, the ghost of Shirley Temple literally standing in the middle of a table smiling and fanning herself.  Yawn.  This is, like, the same exact party they had in the Bible after John baptized Jesus.
• I don’t know why Caroline is letting us all know that it was “all Dina” who decorated the place for the Christening.  Really?  You really wanna give Dina credit for this, huh?  It looked like Snooki’s vagina exploded.  Keep your head down and pretend you had nothing to do with it….kinda like you do when you’re in high school and your girlfriend tells you she might be pregnant.  Yeah, kinda like that.  Kinda. Like. That.
• Teresa and Barney are having their “first dance” with the baby and Caroline and Jacqueline are crying.  I started crying too, but only because I’m dipping my naughty bits in a pot of boiling water during this scene.
• Well, there you have it.  Barney is trashed.  He should have had a little more Brontosaurus and a little less wine.  I’d drink too if I knew I was going to jail for owing the government money.  Hell, I’m drinking now and I don’t owe the government anything.  Basically the lesson is to drink early and drink often.  Anygaudy, I thought Joe was going to punch Teresa in the face with his wine glass, but he just decides to force feed her some wine and then kisses her and says, “good night.”  However, he’s not leaving.  And neither is she.  We’ve all been Joe at one point in our lives.  Personally, I was Joe when I was in 4th grade as I, too, was only 4′8.  Circle of life.  I have no idea.  Next.
• Danielle and her kids head out to the standard doo-wop-diner.  Now, like a couple of SAT word-problems I’m barely following along.  Something about Christine’s friend getting her eyebrows waxed and Teresa was there telling people that Danielle is looking for her real mom.  I have no clue.  All I know is that Danielle now knows that Kim G has told “the enemy” Danielle’s secret and she. is. pissed.  Poor little Jillian sweetly suggests that maybe someone overheard her mom telling Kim G about her plan to find her real mom and that’s when Danielle screams at poor little Jillian, “No one could have overheard!”  Yowza.  Check please!  Maybe Jillian can write a song and call it something like, “DSS Please Don’t Forget About Us.  We’re Not Too Old to Enter State Custody.  In Fact, We Welcome It (La La La).”
• I Love It Alert:  During Danielle’s one-on-one interview she just starts yelling about Kim G, “You Beeeetch!  You F’n Beeeetch!”  Honestly, it sounded like she was swearing and puking at that same time.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  You beeeeeeetch!
• Why does Jacqueline dress up her son like Brody Jenner?
• Kim G heads over to Jacqueline’s house and almost breaks in and just starts swearing and screaming about how much she F’n hates Danielle.  She claims she’s been up since 3am because she’s been so upset.  I wonder if she wakes up with her hair already done and sprayed in place?  I”m a little confused about why Kim G is so mad.  Apparently Danielle emailed someone and told them not to be friends with her.  This drove her over the edge?  I have no idea what’s going on.  Kim G saved the scene when she said that Danielle can “go scratch my ass.”
• In the end Danny and his feathered helmet drives Danielle to go meet Kim G for lunch.  Danielle confronts Kim G for telling Teresa about Danielle trying to find her real mom.  Kim G ends up throwing her napkin at Danielle and tells her she’s a liar, isn’t a friend, and is disloyal.  Similar to the Brownstone triathlon from a couple of weeks ago, Kim G then basically chases Danielle out of the restaurant, continues to scream and swear at her in the parking lot and then ends the argument by telling her that she’s an “old lady and has square t*ts.”  And, end scene.
• Here’s the deal.  I like Kim G.  I really do.  If it wasn’t for her this season we would be forced to watch Caroline sit in her kitchen and cry about how her kids are moving out.  However, for me, this scene was really forced.  You can tell that Kim G was ready to throw down, but she kept yelling at the most awkward times.  I think she was trying to have her own “table flip” moment, but it just ended up being more of a chair toss than a table flip.  Still fun to watch, but it made me want to take a shower after.

Next week Barney Rubble crashes his dinomobile and everyone goes to Italy.  Scrub your bidet, it’s going to be a good one!

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You Have the Right to Remain a Thick, Juicy, Tanned Guidette

It’s one thing to see Lohan in jail because, well, Georgia Rule.  However to see a national treasure like Snooki arrested and then to see her mugshot splattered like eyebrow wax all over the Internet?  Well, that’s just un-American and I have to say the terrorist surely have won.

Snooki was busy filming scenes for Season 3 of Jersey Shore (thank you Santa Christ) out on the Jersey Shore boardwalk and she may or may not have been using a beer bong out in public.  Also, she may or may not have been so drunk that she feel off her bike.  I don’t see what the big deal is.  Sporting a beer bong in public and drunkenly falling off your bike is not only a requirement in Jersey, but it also helps to get you into a government position.

Personally I think Snooki looks great in her mugshot.  It looks like she went through one of those “Ricki Lake Makeunder” segments.  I mean sure it looks like she was dragged out of a dumpster and is wearing a Tyra Banks fat-suit when the cops are arresting her, but she was drunk and, well, there’s a lot of fried dough stands up and down the boardwalk and how many of those can you pass by without stopping in?  3?  4?  10?

Later JWoww ShamWow tweeted saying that she had to bust (pun intended) Snooki out of the slammer.  God bless Snooki.  I have to admit, I’d totally watch a show where Snooki spends 3 months in prison.  And you want to know something?  You would too.  You.  Would.  Too.

Similar to the Lindsay Lohan mugshot background, I think the lasers really make Snooki’s tan pop!

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Teresa Totally Stole This Role from Gia (Fabulous!)

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I don’t want to oversell this, but what you are about to watch will be the best thing that your eyes have ever seen and that includes the time you saw Oprah driving through Texas with Gayle sporting Levi 501 blues and full camel.

Teresa, from Real Housewives of New Jersey, was paid in US currency to “star” in a commercial for Sizzle Tans and, well, I haven’t been the same since.  This is very reminiscent of Kelly Bundy trying to sell the neeeeeeew Allante!  I’m not quite sure I would want to use one of those Sizzle Tan beds, not because other people sweat in them, but because after Teresa delivers her first line it looks like she’s pushing one out but, like a lady, she tries to fit in a smile as she begins the defecation process.  Personally I think when the door opened Gia should have been in there with her eyes closed and then suddenly woke up and said, “Derrek!” Bonus points if you remember that.

Joe/Barney Rubble owns and works at a pizza place, laundromat, and section 8 apartment building and Teresa now stars in a tanning commercial.  I’m pretty sure we’ve hit every Jersey stereotype one can think of.  Ahhhh the American dream.

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Jersey Shore Recap: Grenades and Landmines and 1920’s Pilgrims, Oh My!

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Did you know that the national unemployment rate is at 9.6%?  Who gives two filthy sh*ts because like the cutest little outbreak of “the herpes” Jersey Shore is back!  After almost one full year I can finally exhale.  There’s a Whitney Houston joke in there somewhere, but I can’t think of it now because my TIVO has the biggest woodie over Snooki being back on TV and you wanna know something?  I do too.  I do too.  So let’s catch up with all our favorite crapmates and see just what went down (besides JWoww at “da club”) last night on the season premiere of Jersey Shore:

• Buckle up kids because we’re about to hear “I’m in Miami, b*tch” about every 11 minutes for the next 60 minutes.  It’s basically like “weather on the 1’s.”
• They didn’t even bother updating the opening credits from last year.  Brilliant.  Like the old saying goes, “If JWoww’s extensions aren’t broken, don’t fix it.”  At least I think that was the old saying.  I just checked.  It was.
• The whole D-Bag Brigade is getting out of the snowy east coast weather and are heading to Miami (b*tch!).  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta hates this weather because you can’t tan in it, you can’t creep in it, and girls stay in their houses in this weather.  First off, I don’t believe for one second that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta tanned in natural sunlight a day in his life.  Second off,  if the homeless can creep in the snow/rain, so can you and so should you.  Third,  I’m sure “breaking and entering” will be in Pauly D’s future after this show goes off the air so he should practice finding girls hidden in their homes starting now.  It’ll be like the “Goonie’s” Nintendo game where you have to find the kidnapped girls.  Sidenote, I use to love using the fist to punch that dude in the dojo until he would say, “Ouch, what do you do?”  Memories.
• We get to meet Snooki’s new boyfriend who may or may not actually be shorter than Snooki.  She’s cooking meatballs for him at her parents house because we certainly needed to hit as many stereotypes as we could in the first five minutes.  Snooki’s boyfriend literally kisses her boobs in her parents kitchen and then spray-tans her face for her in her bedroom.  Couples who eat meatballs and spray-tan together stay together.  At least that’s what I heard.
• You may be wondering why Snooki is forced to spray-tan.  Well apparently because President Obama put a tax on tanning she can’t afford it.  Yes, the 10% tax is tough to pay for when you’re making $45,000 an episode.  That’s almost Montag money, by the way.
• Snooki takes about 15 minutes just to get into her into her SUV because her luggage is bigger than her.  Once sitting in the drivers seat she needs to move the seat almost all the way up to the steering wheel just so she can reach the pedals and see out the window.  Similarly, this is what I imaged Rhea Perlman had to do every morning during homeroom.
• Pauly D picks up Grandpa Situation, who is dressed literally head to toe in as much Ed Hardy his body can handle.  It’s like he’s wearing camouflage and is planning to enter a guido jungle.  Oh wait, he is.  Pauly D makes sure to help Grandpa Sitch with his bags, but he does it as quickly as he can because it’s raining out and the gel can only absorb so much water before his blow-out starts to curl and kink in the wind.  Phew, that was a close one!
• Aaaaaand, welcome back Angelina.  It’s fitting that her intro scenes include her getting a Brazilian wax on national television because, basically, I feel like someone is pulling the hair off my ding-dong region just watching this show.
• Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Situation are somewhere in one of the Carolina’s and bought about 2 episodes of pay worth of fireworks.  They set these off while their truck gets stuck in the mud or “stuck in the Angelina” as I like to call it.  Grandpa Sitch makes sure to keep giving it the gas until the truck is basically halfway to China.
• Meanwhile at some random hick bar in the south, some WT buys Snooki and JWoww ShamWow a couple of shots and tries to fist pump.  Snooki hit the nail on the head when she said, “He basically f*cks his sister for a living.”  I love when Snooki basically writes this for me.  Also, why does ShamWow look like she just got back from Vietnam?  All the fried pickles in the world can’t save these two.  Snooki says that the fried pickles were life changing.  You know what else is life changing?  Reading.
• So Angelina looks like the town street walking whore as she heads to the airport.  For some reason she’s wearing short-shorts that basically start and stop at the old cooch.  Don’t even bother going through the security line because we can all see that she’s not concealing any weapons.  On the flip side, we also can see that it’s “time of the month” for Angelina.  I’m gross.
• Angelina screams “goodbye New Jersey” while at the airport.  Um, JFK is in NYC not NJ.  Bricks.  Unless they changed it.  I don’t know.  I’m not good with the map.
• Angelina makes it to the Miami house and Grandpa Sitch and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is already there.  Angelina’s pink pockets are hanging out the bottom of her cooch shorts.  Her pockets, to no surprise, are empty.  This is probably because she spent every last dime she had on her Sears suitcase.  She wasn’t going to be known as “the girl who moved in with trash bags” this season.  Oh no she won’t.  She’ll be known, instead, as the girl who let her vaginastein hang out of her shorts and wore sunglasses inside the house at all times.  It’s better to be known as that.
• Like a true lady, Angelina is bunking with Grandpa Situation and Pauly D and she even says that if she hooks up with one of them one night who cares?  She should just wear a “Yes, We’re Open” sign on her crotch for the entire season.
• Sammi SweatStains finally arrives and had no clue that Angelina would be there.  Like a case of crabs, none of us expect it.  Sammi isn’t in love with Angelina because she talked a lot of crap about her in the past.   I guess Sammi wouldn’t be in love with me either.
• Ronnie and his chicken legs shows up.  What’s up with him during his one-on-one interviews?  Why is his hair permed during those scenes?  I think Ronnie should watch a season of Real Housewives of New Jersey because he’s about 15 years away from being Teresa’s husband Joe.  See you then!  Fabulous.
• This Miami house isn’t so bad.  It’s way better than the Jersey Shore house.  I kind of miss that house though.  This one kinda looks like the Golden Girls went on a meth binge and then decorated the piss out of it with stolen items from a TGI Friday’s.
• JWoww ShamWow and Snooki finally make it to the house!  We know this because JWoww’s boobs enter the house about 15 minutes before the rest of JWoww does.  Both ignore Angelina, similar to the way the rest of America did when she left the show last season after 2 crapisodes.
• Why is everyone calling Snooki “Nicole?”  Are they trying to class it up this season?  They better not be.
• Alright so the last 20 minutes of the show is when it started getting good.
• JWoww ShamWow is hanging up all her clothes when the entire shelf comes off the wall and crashes down on her.  She flinches like she’s about to take a shot to the face and by “shot to the face” I’m pretty sure you know what I mean.  I’m talking about semen on her face.  Was that not clear?  Let’s have some manners, people, and not make me have to actually say it, ok?
• All the cheap booze got all over Sammi’s 15 sets of white shorts so they are forced to wash them in the sink.  This is where the real brilliance comes in.  Snooki shows us how she only made it up to the 3rd grade when she says, “I feel like a friggin pilgrim from the 20’s, washing clothes right now.”  Yes, Snooki, the pilgrims were from the 20’s.  In fact, America is actually less than 100 years old.  Columbus discovered America around the same time that Henry Ford invented the first car.  Had the pilgrims known that, perhaps they could have shipped their cars over on the Mayflower.  I’m sure had the pilgrims known that America would eventually be infatuated with the Jersey Shore they would have hopped back on their boat and just dealt with their own religious persecution and called it a day.
• Everyone is getting ready to head out to “da club.”  This time around MTV has placed hidden cameras in the all the mirrors in the house, which I think is great because we definitely need to see JWoww and Snooki doing “duck lips” whilst they push up their boobs.  Seriously, if JWoww pushes her boobs up any higher she’ll be able to rest her chin on them.
• All the girls are in one cab and Angelina starts up some sh*t by saying that they all “love guys” and she “loved a guy” and that’s why she left and that’s why they hate her.  Um, huh?  They hate you because you talk crap and your “boom boom” hangs out of your shorts and smells like the city dump.  JWoww will have no disrespect and starts screaming at Angelina and tells her that she should know about trash because she’s from Staten Island.   Oh no she didn’t!  Keep in mind the girl that is saying this also wear jeans that have been bedazzled and buys ham on her way home from “da club.”  So yeah, let’s not try to have an argument about who knows more about trash.  It’s like trying to decide which kid in a Third World country is the skinniest.
• Even Snooki gets involved in the fight by calling Angelina a “whit rat” because she’s too pale.  Angelina fights back by saying that Snooki is “too tanned.”  I mean, is this really happening?  For real?  I’m so glad the Jersey Shore is back.  It’s like my life has been meaningless for the past year.
• Like every crapisode last season, Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains fight whilst in “da club” and it pisses everyone else off.  They bring their drunken fight into the cab until Ronnie calls her “the C word” and leaves the cab.  I’m assuming the C-word he used was “classy” right?  Calling one of these girls a c*nt is like a compliment.  Calling them classy is the worst thing you can possibly do!  Regardless, Snooki doesn’t know what either of those words mean….or 1/3rd of the words in the dictionary for that matter.
• The guys (and Angelina) head back into another club and Ronnie is 15 sheets to the wind.  He’s sweating, falling, and having seizures and, well, that’s just his dancing alone.  He’s also making out with all sorts of farm animals.  I mean these chicks are busted.  He’s having a 1995 MTV Spring Break “Three-Way” Kiss with two chicks who look like Russian gymnasts who won the gold and silver.  Terrible.  Although we do learn the difference between what a “grenade” is and what a “landmine” is.  Just so everyone can understand, The Hills was a grenade and The City is the landmine.  Make sense?  Good.
• Honestly I just caught syphilis watching this scene.
• In the end Sammi SweatStains lets us all know that she’s still in love with Ronnie.  She then goes to bed with her sunglasses on her head so, yeah, all is right in Miami.

Well folks, that is crapisode one of Jersey Shore season 2.  I think it was entertaining to say the least.  The first 40 minutes were a little tough, but the last 20 minutes made up for it.  I think this is going to be a great season and I look forward to the future episodes where the roommates all take turns just beating the bag out of each other…just like Jesus instructs us to do in the Bible.  Oh, and I’m also looking forward to hearing Sammi say, “I’ve always had balls, honey.”

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Big Brother 12 Recap: I Vote to Evict…..Myself from Planet Earth.

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Well it’s time for another live eviction, so that can only mean one thing.  Julie Chen gets to seduce me with her sexy teleprompter reading and her button pressing to talk to the house-guests.  Fine that was two things.  Here’s what went down last night on ¡Grande Hermano!

• Everyone is fake confused because Yom Kippur Kenny told Brendon and Knockers del Toro that he’s gunning for them….but please still use the veto on him.  Knockers seems pissed.  You can tell because her rack attack fizzled like a balloon that has a slow leak.
• I just yelled “shut. the. f. up” at my TV when Brendon called Knockers del Toro “baby.”  Seriously?  Baby?  Really?  You’re on a game show.  You were dressed like a human hot dog 3 weeks ago.  Get a grip.  See what not having the ability to provide “self release” can do to someone?
• Is Matt a midget?  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m so sick of people who are abnormally short and try to pretend they’re not technically a midget.  It’s like, own it Vern.  Although, tonight Matt has slicked his bangs up as high as the heavens which, when trying to clear security at the airport, would be considered a weapon.
• Every time Brendon and Knockers share an intimate moment, which seems to happen on the regular, Big Brother starts playing this cheesy background music.  I’m pretty certain it’s Julie Chen on guitar but still, enough.
• Oh great, just when I’m about to tee off on Kathy’s spider upper and lower eye lashes, she breaks the news that she’s broke, had cancer, and needs to secure her sons future in case she doesn’t make it.  Great, thanks Kathy.  Now I have to wait an entire week before making fun.  That’s my rule.  Also, I just made that rule up.  I may break it.
• Andrew is crying and sticking his fingers up his nose with a tissue (which still counts as “nose picking”) because he doesn’t have any friends in the house and he has no one to talk to.  Um, maybe it’s his nose picking that keeps people at arms length?  It’s a toss up.  Regardless, he pitches a b*tch-fit and tells Kathy and some other chick (who I didn’t even know was on the show until tonight) to “stop playing him like a fiddle.”  I hate that saying.  It makes fiddle playing sound so easy, but I bet you it’s hard.  Like, really hard.  Like as hard as Knockers del Toro’s knockers (del toro).
• Why is Julie Chen wearing white?  We all know she does filthy boom boom.  She was pregnant last season.  You’re not fooling anyone Chen.  Not anyone!  Well, me a little, but I doubt anyone else.
• Is Knockers not on slop this week?  She looks like she packed on a couple.  Maybe she’s “with child?”  That would be awesome.  Either way she looks like she needs a bath and definitely leaves a ring around the tub.
• Chen is now making fun of Enzo’s accent.  Well if that isn’t the robot calling the kettle guido, I don’t know what is.
• So, um, Matt’s wife does porn.  I’m kidding, I’m sure she doesn’t do it professionally, but I’m sure there’s an amateur video somewhere online.  I love when they have little interviews from loved ones of cast members.  There really is a lid for every pot.
• Julie Chen is now chatting with Matt and his mile-high-bangs.  He’s the worst.  His fidgeting and hand gestures freak me out.  He must work in the IT department, yes?
• Kathy is now giving her “please vote for me” speech.  She knows she’s not getting the electric chair if she loses, right?  No really, does she know this?  She’s telling us about the church and her grand mammy and grand pappy and I am very puzzled.
• In what I thought was going to be Snoozefest ‘10, Andrew’s speech was awesome.  I mean, he was talking as fast as the Micro-Machines guy, but it was great.  He called out Kristin and Hayden for having secret sex and then he told the rest of the house everything that Kristin and Hayden have said about them.  I thought Kathy looked shocked listening to all this, but then quickly realized she must keep her eyes like that as not to have her upper and lower eyelashes tangle.
• Everyone seems to be voting to evict Andrew.  I’d sue for antisemitism if I were him.  I mean, I’m not sure if you can do that, but why the hell not.  I’d also sue Julie Chen for boring a nation, but that’s just me.  Perhaps you’d have your own lawsuits to deal with.
• I vote to evict…Sandy Duncan, for reasons that only she knows.
• Andrew gets the boot and Julie Chen basically tells him he was a sucky player by questioning every move that he made during the game.  It’s like, keep it in your pants Chen.
• I love the “goodbye messages.”  Well, I loved them until Knocker del Toro started sassing it up by saying things like, “ain’t no one gonna come between me and my man.”  She is a horrific, horrific person. More importantly I think a future twist is that she actually is 80’s pop singer Tiffany.  You’ll thank me later.
• In the end it was time for the HOH competition and it went, well, exactly how I thought it would.  Knockers is swearing and getting muted out and Julie has to tell her to keep it clean, everyone seems pissed off in general, and Julie just called it “Cinco de Mayo” but she pronounced it Mayo like short for “mayonnaise.”  Ole!
• Knockers del Toro won the HOH and is shaking and crying, as am I.  Kill yourself.

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The Hills Recap: You Know the Show Doesn’t End When You’re Crazy and Run Scenarios in Your Head All the Live-Long Day, Right? Riiiight?

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Did you know The Hills was over? Did you know that I was crazy? Do you know that The Hills never ends when you’re crazy? It’s easier that way. Here’s what I can only assume would have happened in the next crapisode of The Hills…had it continued. Let’s run this up the flagpole and see if it waves.

• We kicks things off with the whole Douche Bag Brigade picking shards of glass out of Kristin’s face and arms. Apparently they weren’t joking with that whole “Kristin is on drugs” thing, as she crashed through the front window of Brody’s condo in a meth-related binge and fell out onto the street.

• Meanwhile, Heidi and Steve Sanders are back from their “2 month hiatus.” Heidi was busy getting her “H’s” put in, but to all of our surprise she also had her horses d*ck from Crested Butte attached to just the left of her vaginastein so that the next time America tells Heidi to go F herself she can actually do it. Way to be proactive.

• Steve Sanders, on the other hand, was busy wrapping up his molestation trial with Enzo. I hope those two crazy kids really make it work together one day…in 14 more years. Also, it’s nice to see Spencer’s Santa pubes shine under the lighting in court.

• It’s the night of Audrina’s big party to celebrate her reuniting with Justin Bobby. I think it’s sweet that no one has told her that J Bob was just run down by an 18-wheeler whilst riding his motorcycle. Luckily he was wearing his shiny silver disco ball helmet so the doctors think the brain damage will be minimal. Little do they know he was always like that.

• Surprise of the Night Alert: Lauren just showed up to Audrina’s and brought her mustache as her date. Scandal! I wonder what J Wahl will think!

• Audrina seems pissed that LC crashed the party. We know this because her top lip has, once again, gone into hiding. The search party will start an all out search with her gums and work their way back to her 12 year old molars to see if her lip is hiding out there.

• Oh, hey Lo! I’m really loving Lo’s storyline of her moving in with her boyfriend. I’m kidding. It sucks. He looks like a Level Three.

• Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Kristin are blowing off Audrina’s party and are heading up the coast to see if they can bang complete strangers in towns that don’t have televisions…or teeth for that matter. Kristin just passed her meth pipe to Stacie the Pointless Bartender and she mixed a Mojito in it. Hmm, maybe she’s not just a pointless bartender after all.  I’m kidding.  She is.

• Stephanie Pratt is getting help from Holly Ethel Mertz Montag on updating her resume. She has a big interview at Whole Foods. Holly started drinking about 2 hours before the cameras went up so Steph’s resume looks like this:

• Frankie and Sleezy T are so busy licking Brody’s b*lls for camera time that they didn’t even notice that Heidi has newer boobs and a horse penis. Some people are so self involved, you know?

• In the end, Kristin ends up getting gang-banged by the locals in the bar in exchange for one rock of coke (whatever that is), Frankie gets his tongue caught on Brody’s zipper, and Heidi has toppled over in her apartment and even the camera crew can’t help pick her up. They’re going to need to use that machine that they used to get Carnie Wilson out of her house circa 1992.

Tune in next week when Darlene Montag gets a search warrant to look for her horses penis at Heidi and Spencer’s place. The horse was limping. It was a dead giveaway.

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Teen Mom Recap: Ugly Crying, Big Foreheads, and Moving Out

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It’s not normal that every time Teen Mom starts up I always sing “Sweet 16″ in my head.  I mean, I’m also crazy-train so I guess it is normal.  Anybustedhymen, walk with me, talk with me, and feel better with me because we’re not 16 and we’re not pregnant, but it sure is fun watching others ruin their lives, no?  I choose to watch this whilst drinking a beer because, well, I can and, well, they can’t.  It’s a real power trip.

• Catelynn - Why won’t this poor girl get bangs?  It’s no secret that Catelynn and her mom come from the same forehead and, for some reason, their hairline starts at the very top of their head.  I say grow bangs and grow ‘em fast.  If she can’t, just draw them in with a thick Sharpie, yes?  Moving on.  Catelynn’s mom always acts so embarrassed when she tells her that she misses her.  It’s like she has a girl-crush on her and doesn’t really want to admit it.  Catelynn peaces out of the shed they’re living in to go and visit Tyler and his awesome 80’s mom.  I hope she brings shoulder pads.  That would be sweet.  Once Catelynn arrives we learn that 3 years ago she slept with her ex-boyfriend in Florida.  I’m sorry, 3 years ago?  So you were 13.  You were having sex at 13 yrs old and I didn’t see you on Maury Povich?  Odd.  I mean, I watched a lot of Maury.  Sex at 13 scares me.  You wanna know what I was doing with my ding-dong at 13?  Peeing.  And, well, that’s it.  Can we put those elastics that are in her mouth over her crotch to keep it shut?  And, more importantly, why does she always sound stuffed up?  I have many questions that don’t have answers.  Tyler decides he’s going to call this dude from 3 years ago because, you know, that makes sense.  Later, Tyler tries to explain this situation to his 80’s mom and, while her eyes are typically bugged out (shoulder pads are probably too tight), she looks like she’s trying to do the math on a group dinner where 2 of the 6 people didn’t drink and didn’t get an appetizer.  It’s tough.  I get it.  Tyler catches Catelynn in a lie about the last time she talked to her ex-boyfriend and now he doesn’t know if he can marry her.  I think he has plenty of time to decide.  I mean, wait it out 10 years and get married when you’re, you know, 25.  Meanwhile, Catelynn is back at the shed and crying to her mom that she thinks she lost Tyler forever.  A lot was going on during this, but I was in a trance, hypnotized, looking at Catelynn’s mom wearing a black baseball hat and a black t-shirt and thinking that she looks exactly like butch without a  mustache (especially with her rat-tail coming out the back of the hat) and, you know what, it scares me more than words can describe.  In the end, Tyler and Catelynn meet up to have coffee and talk about their relationship.  Catelynn does a lot of ugly crying.  I mean, a lot of ugly crying.  Really ugly crying.  I bet if she had bangs it wouldn’t have looked so bad.  After Catelynn gives her engagement ring back to Tyler, he waits a good 3 minutes before giving it back to her and now they’re engaged again.  Sweet.  Oh, I have an idea.  Turn 17.

• Maci - It’s big decision time for Maci.  Should she move into a rented house with her friends or continue living in her parents huge house and get help raising Bint-Lee?  Tough times.  Although, no one is having a harder time than Bint-Lee.  He’s literally banging his head on the floor over and over again until he starts crying and freaking the F out.  It’s odd, I’m Bint-Lee too.  That is exactly what I do when I’m watching Teen Mom.  Although, once I start crying I typically sh*t my pants and, well, I don’t know if Bint-Lee did that in this scene.  I’ll write a letter to Maci to find out.  Anytwang, Maci and her friends start looking at houses to rent and her one friend looks like she may pull a Louise Woodward on poor little Bint-Lee if he keeps crying.  Honestly, why does anyone think it’s a good idea for all these single girls to move in with an un-wed mother and her 1 year old son?  I envision Bint-Lee sleeping on top of a keg.  In the end all the girls decide not to move in together because they think it will be too crazy with little Bint-Lee.  That one friend looks like she’s already finalizing plans to fill her vaginastein with concrete so she can never have sex and get pregnant ever.  Ever.  Never.  Well, thanks Bint-Lee for ruining any hopes of me seeing this show turn into as close to The Hills as we’ll ever get again.  Baby.

• Amber - Oh Jesus.  These two.  Is it just me or does anyone else think that Amber and Gary are producing and creating their own storylines themselves?  Time are tough for Roseanne and Dan Connor as Dan isn’t working and Roseanne is forced to take a job at Rodbell’s Department Store a tanning salon to help pay the bills.  With money being tight I’m sure this will turn into some physical violence between the two. Gary decides to tell Amber that he likes another girl by saying, “I like another girl.”  Way to bury the lead, Gary!  Oh there we have it.  Gary pushes Amber down to the bed and Amber jumps back up like a freakin’ ninja and slaps Gary in under 2.2 seconds.  Impressive.  Gary’s reaction is priceless when he simply states, “Wow.  You just hit me.”  Yup, that pretty much sums it up, Gar.  Now I know why you’re not working.  Later Gary comes back over to tell Amber that he wants to break up for 4 days.  I’m not kidding.  He only wants 4 days.  Amber, a supreme negotiator, talks him down to just 1 day of being broken up so he can go and bang that other chick.  I believe on The Hills this was called “Relationship Vacation” and, well, because they don’t have a pot to piss in I’m pretty sure this is the only vacation they’ll be able to afford.  Although for two people who barely work it’s refreshing to see a Nintendo Wii in the background.  Might as well get really good at bowling while you have some downtime.  Meanwhile, Gary decides to go out with that “other girl” and takes her bowling.  Oh, did I mention she has a baby too?  Yeah, she does.  And she brings him…on the date.  Isn’t this kinda like trading in your ‘85 Oldsmobile for, like, another ‘85 Oldsmobile?  If you’re going to get a new car, trade up.  Splurge for the ‘92 with a tape-deck.  In the end, Gary decides to stay with Amber because “she’s pretty.”  Personally I think he didn’t choose the other girl because she didn’t want to be a dentist.  Anyway, this seems like a really healthy relationship filled with Wii, Cracker Barrel, and punches.

• Farrah - Oh Farrah.  Let’s go to therapy together. And bring your mom, Cindy-Lou Who, too.  Ok?  Ok!  I don’t want to judge someones parenting but, well, I actually do want to judge someones parenting.  Why does Farrah unplug the phone charger from the wall when Sophia goes to play with it?  Doesn’t that just give her easy access to put her fingers into the electrical socket?  Zap.  Electricity doesn’t tickle, Farrah.  Start thinking.  Similar to Maci, Farrah is looking to get out of her mom’s guest house (randomly located across the street) and get her own place.  While Farrah goes apartment hunting we get to meet some really random realtors.  I guess anyone can show an apartment?  Anyway, Farrah finally finds an apartment that she is qualified for an can afford (for this month).  She’s like a real adult….except the fact that she wrote the check for her first months rent backwards.  Apparently this was the first check she’s ever written.  Maybe if she made different decisions she would have written her first check 18 months earlier and her only dilemma would have been to figure out if you hyphenate “abortion clinic” but I digress.  I am kidding, of course.  I don’t think anyone should get an abortion, especially when you can get a TV series out of it.  When Farrah goes “home” to tell her mom and “Michael” that she and Sophia are moving out, she decides that she’s not telling them where she’s going.  Farrah’s mom decides that she’s going to change the locks and that Farrah will have to make an appointment if she ever wants to see her mom.  I believe that was all “code word” for “If the cameras weren’t here right now you’d be taking an upper-cut to the chin, bitch!”  Farrah finally moves into her new place, but not before not looking at her mom or giving her a hug.  Farrah’s parenting comes into question again when she leaves Sophia in her car-seat out in the hallway while she starts to unpack.  Awesome.  In the end, Farrah is all moved in and we learn that she can decide if her mom goes to jail for 5 years or just has to take 2 anger management classes.  Really? Is that how that works?  I’d put her in the slammer and then move back into her house.  It just makes financial sense.

Sweet 16!

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Leave it to Other People to Beat the Bag Out of Your Kid

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Yeah it’s Harriet Carter Wednesday, what’s it to you?  I’ve received a ton of emails over the past few months wondering where Harriet has been.  I typically answered with, “None of your business.  Do I come to your house and ask your mother where her looks went?”  Obviously that is the opposite of a rhetorical question.  Anyjunk, Harriet was probably vacationing in one of the Slavic countries, getting her face filled with mayonnaise and sugar water that’s been left out in the hot sun for two months, just so she can save on climbing Botox costs.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, this week Harriet protects your rack whilst driving and gives your son another reason why he’s getting the bag beat out of him during  5^th period math.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Since I model my life after one Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey (of the Nazarene Winfrey’s) I’ve decided to bring her “No Phone Zone” pledge  to the next level.  As you know, the “No Phone Zone” pledge  is urging people to stop texting whilst driving.  Yawn.  I mean, who can’t do two things at once?  It’s called multitasking while endangering.  Ever heard of it?  Anyway, I’m in the process of writing to Oprah to bring, “No Saggy Boobs While Driving” pledge to the masses.  Thanks to the pathetic sick pervs over at the Harriet Carter Institute of Performing Arts (HCIPA), you can now make sure that when you’re driving your rack is standing at attention.  Basically, you’re driving with 4 sets of headlights, so you better get safe and get safe quick.   The poor floppy boobed woman in the before photo is so “saggin’ in the wind” that she’s actually getting struck by what I can only assume is lightning while she’s just trying to get from Point A to Point B.  In the “before” example she’s not taking the “No Saggy Boobs While Driving” pledge seriously at all.  However, she must have had a change of heart because in the “after” photo her rack is acting as her co-pilot (move over Jesus – don’t hurt me).  But, let’s face it.  During long drives your bobbies-aba-doolies are going to get tired and, well, they’re going to want to rest for a little bit.  Luckily this contraption also has a strap on the bottom that will hold your female companions in place like an illegal immigrant on the side of the road selling a wide, yet rotten, array of fruit.  I honestly have no idea what in the holy hell I’m talking about.  Anyway, join the pledge, write Oprah, and stay safe while driving.  Also, drive fast and take chances.

Product # 2  – Hey parents!  Are you afraid of giving your kid the beating of his/her life because of that pesky little rule that basically says that DSS will stop on by for tea, cake, and ownership of your children?  Well, worry no more because Harriet Carter is now making giving your kid a beating a lot easier and won’t even “dirty” your hands.  Introducing “Silly Straw Glasses!”  Little Herman will be taking punches from all the kids in his class once he starts sporting these shades!  Silly Straw Shades are just as silly and wonderful as they sound.  Simply put on these 5 pound plastic (probably shellacked with lead paint) glasses-contraption on your pimply face, strap it around your Dumbo ears, and then let the end of the tube sit in your high-fructose-corn-syruped-fruit-punch (fat ass) and enjoy your drink.  I mean, it should totally take you a total of 15 minutes to get ready to drink 8 ounces. (big friggin’ baby).  Little Herman didn’t make is bed before he went to school?  No worries, just pack these Silly Straw Shades with him and send him on his way.  The beating will be waiting for him by the time he shows up for homeroom.  And I’m sure all you parents will love having to clean this contraption as it comes apart in “5 pieces for hand-washing.”  Hand-washing?  Like a cave person?  Oh and you know a fight is totally going to break out when Little Herman is looking for “part # 3” and can’t find it anywhere.  He’ll have to drink out of the glass, you know, like a normal 10 year old boy.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Jillian’s Song is a Fugazi!

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• It’s fitting that Teresa, Barney Rubble, and the “Fabulous” sisters are all playing Monopoly at the start of the crapisode.  It’s really a window into their current financial situation.  I think it’s good that they start teaching their girls things like “Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go.  Do not collection $200.00″ because I’m pretty sure Joe is going to to be going there for owing the government $11 million.    No “bank error” in your future this time, Rubble.
• Every time Danielle’s doorbell rings a new person who’s a “friend” walks in the front door that we’ve never seen or heard of before.  Ever.
• While Danielle’s house is huge, it’s kinda decorated like Ali’s parent’s house in the Karate Kid Part 1 movie.  Time to bring it from ‘84 to at least ‘92.  And, sadly, Teresa is right.  It kinda does look like it smells like dawg dog.
• Danielle’s daughter, Christine, is drinking what I can only assume is a cup of blood and informing us all that she wants to donate the money she gets from her Sweet 16 party to charity.  And by “charity” I am, of course, talking about “Danielle’s Botox Fund.”  Why do I have a feeling that none of this is her idea?
• They’re asking Christine how many friends she wants to invite to her Sweet 16 Charity and she looks puzzled by what the term “friends” means. I’m pretty sure that means she’s going to be inviting Kim G, Kim D, and friggin’ Cookie and Frannie.  To make things even more awkward, Danielle asks Christine if she wants to invite her father to the charity party.  I think that’s nice.  She should meet her father and it should be documented on television for my viewing pleasure.
• Is it in Caroline’s contract that she just stand behind the counter of her house for the majority of her scenes?  It’s like when Phylicia Rashad was pregnant during a season of The Cosby Show and they just hid her behind the counter or behind a bag of groceries until she gave birth.  Maybe Caroline is “with child,” you know, through the Immaculate Conception.
• Jacqueline and Chris head over to the Rubble’s for a little wine and random conversation.  The main topic is Teresa and Barney’s 10th wedding anniversary that’s coming up.  Barney is trying to have a conversation with Chris and is letting him know that the money isn’t “flowing” like it used to be, it just trickles in now.  Yeah, Barney, we read that.  And we also saw it on E! News.  And I’m also pretty sure I saw it fly by on the ticker tape thing at the bottom of the screen during the Today Show last week so, yeah, we’re all caught up.  Also, why does Barney always have a permanent look on his face like he’s just smelled a dirty diaper?  Anycrap, Chris suggests that he get her a “fugazi” which I assumed was Italian for “bigger forehead” but I figured a million people would ask me, “What is a fugazi” so I am here to tell you a “fugazi” is slang term meaning “fake or phony.”  Example:  “Donnie Brasco said that diamond ring is a fugazi.”  The More You Know (cue shooting star).
• Meanwhile in “Why is This a Storyline” news, Albie joined the police academy until he can get into law school.  Yawny, yawn, yawn, yawn.  Oh, and he had to shave is head.  As a sidenote, his head is not shaved later in the episode.  Damn you editing machine!
• Oh my dear baby Jesus.  Danielle’s daughter, Jillian, is going to be singing a song that she wrote for Christine’s Sweet 16.  I’m already embarrassed just typing this and I haven’t even heard her sing it yet.  Oh God.  She’s about to sing.  Uh oh.  I’m sweating.  I’m actually lowering the volume so my neighbors can’t hear this.  Oh dear Jesus she’s singing it.  It’s something about, “I’m always there for you, you’re always there for me, we’re more than friends, you’re part of my family.”  She must have written this about the camera crew.  More importantly, what is she doing with her voice?  Why is she singing it like that?  You know what?  It’s nice.  Gulp. It’s really…..unique.  It’s also on a whole different scale than when Danielle sang “Close to You.”  I love it.  Ringtone please!  I say this so I don’t get Bindi Irwin-like hate mail and nastygrams again.  Save ‘em.
• Why does Danielle keep calling her an “artist?”  Even when this poor girl forgets the lyrics and starts crying Danielle still tells her she has to do this.  She has a point.  I mean, the roof is leaking and someone needs to bring in some money to patch it so it might as well be the 8 year old.
• Why is Real Housewives trying to continually embarrass me tonight?  Barney Rubble and Teresa are getting ready for “her” surprise anniversary plans.  First off, Joe needs to keep his shirt on at all times.  Second, he can’t fit into his Ed Hardy button down and Teresa tells him to stop lifting weights.  Um yeah, no.  What workout program is he following where his arms get bigger and his stomach gets even bigger?  He looks like one of those kids from the Third World country who sits by the train tracks and hasn’t eaten in 15 days.  You know, stomach-wise.  Maybe he should stop buying “boys husky” sized shirts form Abercrombie, no?
• Barney surprises Teresa by bringing her on a helicopter ride over New York City and he looks like he has about 15 pounds of skid marks in his underoos.  Also, they’re both flying over NYC and see a huge park and they have to be told by the pilot that it’s Central Park.  Really?  They couldn’t have at least guessed that?
• Things take a sharp left turn when Teresa wants to know if they’re flying to the Hamptons, but they actually end up at a Westin in Jersey City, New Jersey.  Let me tell you a little something about Jersey City.  Look, it’s not the worst place.  It’s actually decent.  But it’s still Jersey City.  It’s also about a 10 minute train ride into Manhattan.  Maybe if they didn’t spend $75,000 on a housewarming party they wouldn’t have to celebrate like “bridge and tunnel” people for their anniversary.
• Once they’re at the hotel my secondhand embarrassment continues.  Barney places rose petals all over the bed and writes out “10″ on the bedspread.  Obviously it takes Teresa 2 hours to figure out what that symbolizes.  He should have written “fabulous!“
• Barney’s “confidence juice” kicks in and he finally decides to share with Teresa the poem he’s written for her, which is: “Roses are red, violets are blue, roses are beautiful, and so are you.”  For those keeping track at home, yes, I have punched myself in the nutty-nuts a total of 14 times so far.  The waiter, who I believe is being portrayed by Joe Zee from “The City” looks as horrified as the rest of America must look right now.
• As a surprise, Barney hid a yellow diamond ring in what I thought was one of Melania’s dirty diapers, but it actually was some chocolate cake.  Oh, and did I mention that not only is Barney a poet, but also a comedian too?  He is.  Because he “bought” her a yellow diamond ring he told he…wait for it….wait for it….punch yourself in the nuts/box…..wait for it….he told her he bought it in Yellowstone Park.  Someone cue the applause sign and let me know which lever I should pull so a piano falls on my head.
• Teresa, during her one-on-one interview starts rambling off some crap about everyone has eyes, your eyes, love is eyes, and then she finally comes out with “love is in the eyes of the beholder.”   Seriously, someone test for something, please.  At least make her do a book report and see how it comes out.
• To finish off the night, we’re forced to watch Teresa straddle Barney and listen to her tell us she’s horny.  Seriously, I think I just got pregnant.
• Meanwhile, all Albie’s hair grew back for the scene where he and the rest of the gang are working out in the basement.  Efficient.  Next!
• I can’t wait to see who Danielle’s husband is.  I mean, I know he’s going to be Regis’ age, but I need to see this with my own eyes.  He’s bringing his new wife so it only makes sense that Danielle put on her old engagement ring from him because, you know, that’s the normal way things go when you’re the Mayor of Sh*tshowland.
• Jaqueline and Ashely/Meg Griffin are off to pick up her “summons” at the post office.  It’s fitting that Meg is wearing her signature Meg Griffin hat.  Shut up, Meg.  Damn it, Meg!  Meg thinks that this is all one big joke.  She’s the worst, ever.  She’s 19 and acts like she’s 14.  Now I don’t endorse hitting children, but I actually do, so I think that Jacqueline should take a belt to her back until she changes her attitude.  Sidenote, did you guys know that Ashely got a nose job the other day?  She still looks like Shrek.
• It’s time for Christine’s Super Sweet 16!  We learn that Danielle got everything donated that night since the party is for “charity.”  Ohhhh now we know why Christine wanted to do this and why it looked like she was reading cue cards when she said she wanted to donate to charity earlier in the episode.
• And cue “the father.”  Well, well, well.  Who would’ve guessed. He’s 100.  And, by the looks of it, a Level Three.  No wonder why he’s introducing himself to everyone.  He’s in a room full of kids.  He has to.  By law.
• Poor little Jillian looks like she’s about to puke all over the place before she has to sing that beautiful song. If she’s looking to escape she should hide in Kim G’s super-sized poof.  Christine is showing early signs of becoming her mother when she grabs the mic and shouts, “You better be quiet when my sister sings or I’m going to get really pissed off.”  Oh no, don’t do that!  What will Cookie and Frannie think?!
• It’s time for the song.  I can’t.  They are using sub-titles because, let’s face it, no one can understand a word of it.  But I love it.  I love every word.  I love every “note.”  I love all of it.  I can’t wait for her to be on a some sh*t-bag Disney Channel show.
• Why do we have to end every episode with Ashely getting yelled at by her parents and then ultimately getting kicked out?  Yawn.

Next week looks awesome.  Not only is Dina back for the episode, but Kim G throws a napkin at Danielle and loses her sh*t and is screaming, swearing, and basically chasing her out of the restaurant…..again!  Bring. It. On.

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Am I Wrong? Golden Satchels.

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Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from Hollywood and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• It’s post pictures of your kids week.  It’s post pictures of your husband/wife week.  It’s post picture of your celebrity look-a-like.  It’s post pictures of you as a baby week.  Is it?  Really, Facebook?  It is?  Are these new national holidays that I don’t know about?  Doubtful.  Stop trying to assume my identity and then sell the data to some group who’s going to declare Jihad on my profile and then hack the shiz out of me.  I also don’t buy those status updates that say things like, “….and 93% of people won’t repost this.”  Oh really?  Way to try and intimidate me.  Where’d you get those stats by the way?  Don’t use big numbers to try and force me to do anything.  Like Google, you already own about 98% of my life as it is.  Can’t we just leave it at that?  Am I wrong?

• Who can I sue for “Uno Attack?”  In case you don’t know, after 3,000 years of playing Uno the “normal way,” the scientists over at Milton Bradley have come up with “Uno Attack” in which the Uno machine literally shoots all the Uno cards at you if you take too long and your time runs out.  Yeah, why aren’t they paying my sister royalties since she came up with that game in 1984 when we would play Uno and then she would, literally, throw all the Uno cards at me if I was getting close to winning.  I mean, I called it “Jennifer Attacks” but Milton Bradley should be prepared to hear from our lawyers by the end of the week.  Am I wrong?

• You know what?  I am just burning doing the neutron dance.  Am I wrong?

• Can they stop running commercials for Mary Kay with them trying to convince us that “during a recession” if you sell Mary Kay you’re not going to get laid off.  Uh, I have a question?  Who in the holy hell is buying excessive amounts of makeup now when they can’t even afford to buy bread and milk?  Hurry up and put on your face full of makeup because you’re going to want to look your best when you’re picking cans out of your neighbor’s trash.  Am I wrong?

• How is it that I am so old that I’m actually living in the year that the Jetson’s cartoon took place in?  If someone tells me that I’m outliving Elroy I’m licking he third rail.  Am I wrong?

• Can we all agree to stop using the term “FML?”  Can we?  Please?  You know who is allowed to actually say FML?  Kids who live in Third World countries who haven’t eaten since late January and spend most of their day swatting flies off their pushed-out stomachs.  They can say FML.  You know who else can say FML?  Orphans who are turning 13 years old and have no shot of getting adopted.  They can say FML.  You know who else can say FML?  The terminally ill.  They can say FML.  As for the rest of us who want to say FML when Dunkin Donuts messes up our coffee order or we spilled our $15.00 vodka-tonic on our new shirt, we should stop.  Immediately.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “The Stevia Plant” and the letter “gingersnaps.”

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Getting to Know, YOU: The Hills Edition

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! This time around we’re dedicating this segment to “The Hills” because, to me, it will never die.  Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the recent past and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.

• what does justin bobby brescia do for a living (not much anymore, although not much before either)
• heidi montag before and after (like, before before before and after after or just before and after?)
• spencer pratt steve sanders (same same)
• stephanie pratt meth (the good old days)
• the hills nose jobs (buy 1 get one)
• “the hills editing mistakes” (seasons 1-6)
• “whitney port” “speech impediment” (what are you talkinK about?)
• audrina’s vagina (…is now for sale)
• did steve sanders blow out this perm (yes, on the regular)
• heidi’s first nose job (those were such simpler times)
• hills cast favorite drink (a Scriptini)
• how do you pronounce audrina (audrina)
• is justin bobby’s dad mel gibson (I swear to God)
• lauren conrad srunk (very srunk)
• lc wrinkles mustache (these are a few of my favorite things)
• spencer murders heidi (maybe if there’s a spinoff?)
• the hills cast herpes tree (go green!)
• what happened to heidi’s puppy (cut up for parts and injected into Montag)
• where do they sell brody jenner’s lakers shirt (DoucheLocker)
• who on the hills has a disease (who doesn’t?)

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Well, well, well. Look What the White Trash Cat Dragged In.

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Uh, Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday?  Uh, where have you been?  I’ve been here the whole time.  Ok fine, you caught me.  I’ve taken a little break from the wondrous world of “House of Carter” because of The Hills recaps.  Trust me, it was like “Sophie’s Choice” for me.  I mean, personally I think Sophie should have ditched both kids and built a single rich life for herself, but that’s another story for another time for another blog for other readers for other thoughts.  Know what I mean?  I don’t.  Anyway, this time around Harriet is helping you stop giving oral pleasure and wiping your arse with a stick contraption.  What?  All normal.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 -  White-trash ladies in the audience, are you not quite married yet but are ready to hang up your “mouth gift” to your partner?  Tired of bobbing for hot dogs and just want to get a good night sleep?  Well if you answered “I’m a quitter” to any of these rhetorical questions does Harriet Carter have the perfect excuse for you!  Introducing the “Nellie-Olsen-Wig-Chin-Strap-Jaw-Clench-Face-Mask 3000!”  So the next time your boyfriend is asking for a little south of the border action you can simply tell him your chin strap makes it hard to melt his popsicle, in fact the oxygen mask prevents your entire face from doing anything at all.  Perhaps he can play in your backyard?  Either way, at least you’ll be getting a good night sleep.  I mean sure he’ll be dry humping you in what I can only assume is a flannel nightgown with lace trim around the collar that zips all the way up to your neck, but you’ll be catching a handful of “Zzzzz’s” while he’s catching a handful of blue balls.  And, let’s face it, if you’re wearing any of this to bed you’re already given the impression that you’ve given up on sexy nights anyway.  Because if your pillow talks consists of any of the following phrases the romance is dead:  chin strap, plug in my oxygen mask, CPAP, improved airflow, apnea, and/or adjustable strap (unless he’s into that, in which we’ll need to have a different conversation).

Product # 2 – I mean at this point just stand up, bend over, and give sh*t kisses to your bathroom wall, no? After about a month it will look like an artistic mural and you’ll be all the rage around your neighborhood.  Or so I’ve heard…from a friend….I’ve never done this myself….not even drunk.  When you reach “garbage bag” on your “Lazy-Ass-o-Meter” and even wiping your filthy bum-bum seems like a chore now you can use your plastic stick to clean up things allllllll the way back there.  Simply place some tissue on your bum-wiping-contraption and then….then…well then you….I believe you…..do you put it between your legs and come out the other end in a scooping motion?  I have no idea.  Perhaps you go behind your back like a back scratcher and then just start slapping?  Maybe you suction cup it to the bathroom floor and then stand up and start doing squats over it?  It’s really hard to decipher and, well, I’m not a doctor or even smart for that matter so I’m not really sure how it works.  All I know is that it (1) looks like it hurts (2) might get you pregnant and (3) pretty much is a sh*t stick.  And is this dishwasher safe?   I hope so because the thought of washing this contraption by hand really makes me upset.  Whatever happened to the good old fashion days of using your hand to, you know, wipe yourself or just opening the door a crack and screaming at the top of your lungs “I’m doooooooooone!” until someone comes up and takes care of this mess for you?  That’s the way I still roll.  I mean, sure, most times no one comes to wipe me and, well, I’ve been stuck on my toilet for days, but once in a while you will get someone to answer your call and the look on their face is all worth it.

Well that concludes another Harriet Carter Wednesday.  I really figured smut and poop jokes was really the right way to kick things off, per usual. Spread the word! And other things if you want.

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