Newport Harbor: Pretty in Pink Sucks

Yeah so it’s only episode 2 of the very original Newport Harbor and I’m already bored. I’m not sure I can commit to recapping the whole season, so unless these retards get a little more retarded this may be my last Newport Harbor recap. We’ll see. Here’s how this one went down:

  • I bet Chrissy’s dad has child pornography on his computer. Someone call Chris Hanson from Dateline and have him look into this. Thanks.
  • When Steve Sanders Jr. and his buddy (whose name I don’t need to know) are at the beach and the beach ball lands on them, why is it that a Puerto Rican guy in a plaid button down shirt with black jeans on and sneakers shows up to retrieve it? Anyone else find this to be odd attire to wear ON the beach?
  • Sweet 16! Samantha and Allie are planning a “Pretty in Pink” party. That’s awesome. Wait, what does that even mean. It should have been called, “Wicked in White” in honor of their white “fright-wig” hair. By the way, who still has markers at this age? Tools.
  • Is Samantha the ghetto version of Cami from Laguna Beach? I mean the “ghettoer” version of Cami from Laguna Beach.
  • Chrissy and the girl go for ice cream and I can honestly say I have no idea what their conversation was about. At one point they mention a pigeon. That was the most interesting part, I think.
  • Allie and Chase go mini-golfing and this is when the light bulb goes off that this whole love triangle is the first major scripted moment of the season. I get it now. Nice try MTV. Tricky tricky. I thought it looked familiar. Steven-LC-Kristen. Yeah, thought so. Tricky tricky.
  • Samantha and Allie have a legitimate conversation in the car about “bootylicious” being a word that was added to the dictionary. There’s a war going on in Iraq.
  • So how old is Chrissy’s mom? 20? 22?
  • So is Chase’s mom actually in porn?
  • Yup, the “Pretty in Pink” party is really pink. Not only is everything there pink, everyone there is pink. The lighting is pink, people are pink, and their teeth have a tint of pink. Also is this party at the VFW? Isn’t Newport Beach supposed to be nice?
  • Woooo! Awesome dancing everyone! It’s very reminiscent of the 90210 junior prom when Brenda really got down to that Cathy Dennis song. Google it.
  • So are they going to play the entire Hillary Duff song during this scene? “The Duff” gets the opening credits and the main song during the episode? Good for her.
  • Samantha and Chase kissed. Allie calls him a pig. I think the real pig is Samantha…only because she has pig-like qualities.

I officially miss the old Laguna Beach. The jokers suck. Who found these people? Are there not any better people in Newport Harbor/Beach? I miss Cami.

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