Newport Harbor: Off to College and Stuff

Ah yes, this season of “Douche Bag Creek” has come to and end. Will there be another season? Will MTV just move down the street to another beach? And what the hell ever happened to Cami? These are all questions that are discussed by the great philosophers. Here’s how this crapisode, “Nothing’s Going to Be the Same” went down:
  • Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are having a romantic sunset conversation at the beach about what will happen with Clay and Chrissy once Chrissy carts her ass to college. Interesting how these questions are always brought up at the most interesting times.
  • Chrissy and Sasha play their last tennis game together before Chrissy is shipped off to Iraq to fight this crazy war. Oh wait, she’s just going to college. Sorry I get confused. The way everyone is acting you would think Chrissy was heading off to war.
  • Hey Allie, you know what I’m sick of? You and Samantha talking about Europe. Go already, will ya. If you want to get away from all the Newport drama then just stop reading the script. It’s just that easy.
  • Chase is moving into his own big-boy apartment because he’s not going to college. He’s going to work the glamorous life of real estate instead. My favorite part is how he tells his girlfriend how he’s not going to college so he can stay and be with her. Awesome. That sounds like a great decision. I’m totally sure that will work out for ya.
  • Hey Sasha, even though you keep “saying” that you’re crying when you’re at Chrissy’s mansion I don’t see any tears. You can keep making that ugly “cry face” but without tears you just look like Rocky Dennis from “Mask.”
  • Nice “collage” that you made Sasha, Chrissy. Why not just make her a “mix” tape too.
  • Clay and Chrissy are taking a boat ride around Douche Bag Creek and Clay actually says “out loud” and in front of a camera crew AND America (and maybe even Canada) that he’s carved a heart and their initials into the pier at Douche Bag Creek. Haha awesome. This kid will stop at nothing to make Chrissy not a virgin. Brilliant and admirable. He should stick with that reasoning when he gets tooled on by all of his friends once they see this crapisode.
  • Ok so Allie’s parents are starting to freak me the F out. They’re crying and telling Allie that they’re really nervous about her going to Europe…like REALLY nervous. Now they’re making me nervous. What the hell happens over in Europe. Is Allie going to get gang-banged at Customs or something? Best wishes Allie. Best wishes Samantha. It was great knowing you two crazy animals.
  • Seriously, I’m putting Chrissy’s dad on suicide watch. Her parents look like they’re going to kill themselves. Wait, even Chrissy looks freaked out. No joke, she looks like she’s going to the electric chair. It’s just college. It’s fun. I promise. I mean it’s sad that Chrissy’s parents are going to experience a murder suicide, but college will still be fun.
  • Chrissy is driving her own ass to college when he dad calls and the camera gets the perfect shot of the word “dad” on her cell phone. And then…da da duuuun…..Chrissy doesn’t answer the phone.
  • Isn’t this the same way that Lauren Conrad basically got her “The Hills” show? Maybe Chrissy will get her own show, “The Valley.” Quick, she better bleach the hell out of her teeth if she wants her own show.
  • The end! Season finale. This is it kids. Will there be another season? Will people associated with this show continue to send me anonymous messages about what a loser I am (yes I can track where the messages come from you tools).
  • Good luck with the “Freshman 15” everyone!
  • Go Go Lucky!

Newport Harbor: Off to College and Stuff
Newport Harbor Recap

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