My Crazy Obsession: Cabbage Patch Dolls and Probable Diddlers

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I wanted the title of this post to be: “I Can’t” and the recap portion would just say “Amen” and we would all genuflect for the rest of the day.  Once in a while Jesus Claus, Santa Christ, and Scary Magdalene all shine down upon me and provide 30 minutes of television that makes me spank my own ass the whole time I watch.  This time around, my friends, is a little show called “My Crazy Obsession.”  Now I don’t want to oversell this but if you thought you loved your kids, you’re wrong.  You will love this show way more than your dumb kids and here’s why…

My Crazy Obsession kicks things off with adults who are….wait for it…wait for it…obsessed with Cabbage Patch dolls.  Now I know what you’re thinking.  What’s the big deal?  Right.  Well, I mean if you think that’s not a big deal you’re clearly the kind of person who thinks that Hoarders is just about people who like to collect things for sport.  These folks, however, like to play with these dolls on the regular, set up play dates with other potential Level III’s, and they make the Cabbage Patch dolls talk to each other.  And wave at each other. Oh, and they even give these dolls all their own distinct voices.  I can’t.  I’m genuflecting as we speak.  This behavior is so insane that my blackened heart almost feels bad teeing off on these people.  Almost.  Almost is the key point.

This crapisode centers around this one couple who are from a state where perms never disappeared.  You would think these people were poor white trash, but we quickly learn that they are rich white trash.  There’s a difference.  The difference, my friends, is that that while they live in a 900 square foot mobile home, they’ve built two buildings to house their Cabbage Patch collection.  Oh, how many Cabbage Patch dolls could they possibly own, you ask?  The answer is just shy of 6,000.  Oh, and did I mention that they’ve spent over $1 million dollars on all of this?  Creeptastic!  This couple literally treats these dolls like they’re their own children and check on them every day and night.  They’ll walk into one of the buildings and start saying things to the dolls like, “Are you behaving today, Susan?”  and then the wife will change her voice and answer, “Yes I am!”  Seriously, you totally know this couple thought they were filming an episode of House Hunters and just happened to show the camera crew their doll collection.  Little. Did. They. Know.

As if things couldn’t get worse, they know all the names of all 5,000 + dolls and have given them all distinct personalities.  Whist the dolls constantly look at their owners with stoic faces, I’m pretty sure I saw little Lucy Jo give the side-eye to the father a couple times. I want to know why the father even is into this at all and, more importantly, what do his buddies at the Piggly Wiggly say?  Out of all the dolls they do have a favorite, however, and that favorite is Kevin.  Kevin has a perm, like his mom.  And they take Kevin everywhere they go.  At one point they go shopping for a birthday gift for their “real-life” daughter and they let Kevin pick it out at the store.  The lady who worked there looked like she wanted to wash herself in bleach by the time they left the store because they made Kevin talk to her and, in the end, choose the birthday gift which (if you’ve seen the show) I’m almost certain was a giant dust bunny.  And you totally know all the other dolls are wicked jealous of Kevin.  They probably pull his perm and try to color in his eyes with black Crayola as soon as the lights in the building go off.

But why just keep “the crazy” in your own home?  Oh no, let’s extend this outside the property to other “collectors” who  are probably on disability and spend hours per day watching court shows.  Therefore they have “Kevin” call up his “friends” and invite “them” over to “his” house for a “play date.”  I figured they’d all sit around the table and stare at each other. Nope.  Not in this insane asylum!  The father has built a ferris wheel-type ride and hot hair balloon so that they can all play for the day.  To see adults arrive with their Cabbage Patch dolls, all talk for them, and then take pictures of them on the rides like they’re actually living breathing children made me pause this episode, head over to Walgreens, and charge $3,200 dollars worth of condoms on my credit card because, well, these are the type of people I would surely end up having as children and I won’t do that to you, America!  Not on my watch, damn it!

Their real-life daughter moved across the country to get the hell away from her parents and the dolls, who most likely will inherit everything and leave the daughter with nothing.  I honestly can’t believe she agreed to be on camera.  I would have at least gone with the Sally Jesse Raphael blurred face and rapist voice.  Geesh.  Amateurs.  And is it wrong that I kept thinking what would happen if one of those building caught fire?  that would be a lot of melted plastic head.  In the end, the husband and wife drive 22 hours to “adopt” hundreds more Cabbage Patch dolls from some perv who was getting rid of them.  They’re all wrapped in plastic bags, but they let us know that they poked holes in the bags so the “kids’ can breathe.  When they’re back home they, of course, let Kevin choose which “kids” can stay and which will find new loving homes and be “happy” there.  That little sh*t must have quite the big head.  Oh, and driving 22 hours for dolls, really?  I mean I’ve spent 22 hours watching a Mad Men marathon one weekend, but still.  I’m kidding.  It was a Teen Mom marathon.  And it was 36 hours.

So here’s the deal.  I don’t really think that this couple sexually molests these dolls when the lights go out.  I just think they’re all in an open relationship.  And I’ll just say that I’m pretty sure Kevin likes licking peanut butter off of things.  I’ll let you guess what those things are.  I also think that if this show somehow goes viral we’ll be seeing the husband being lead out of his mobile home in handcuffs whilst the FBI removes dozens of laptops with Cabbage Patch pornography on it.  Ann Curry will ask him if he’s innocent or guilty and who has temporary custody of the 5,000 + “kids.”  She’ll be asking him these questions via satellite so they’ll be that awkward delay where they keep talking over each other and nervously laugh the whole time.  Kevin will be found headless in an actual cabbage patch field.  Oh the irony.

Look, I don’t think what this couple is doing is wrong.  They’re not hurting anyone and they’re happy, so what do I care.  The only thing that makes me mad is that they apparently have a ton of money, so if they’re really that bored and looking for a hobby, well, adopt me!  I could use some of that money.  I know I’ll never be as good as Kevin, but I’ll let you perm my hair.  I do, however, cross the line at  wearing a jean jacket…unless you’re making me join a Cabbage Patch doll boy band…in which, expect me to have a highly publicized drug problem in 6 years.

Catch a bird, Kevin, catch a bird!

Want to be my crazy obsession?  Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s talk creepily!

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