MTV The Hills Finale: The Script Ends

Similar to the Berlin Wall coming down or John F. Kennedy being assassinated, you will always remember where you were when you watched the season finale of “The Hills.” Sad times. Sad times. So many questions will hopefully be answered, such as: how many teeth does Audrina really have? Will Heidi remember to chew her food before swallowing? Will Steve Sanders make it to season three? Will Whitney fall out of her chair and into the arms of a loving Lisa Loveless? Let’s see what happens…

  • How come when Heidi wakes up she has “newscaster hair?” Actually, she always has it. If Heidi’s horrific music career doesn’t pan out, she should be a newscaster.
  • Oh Christ! Hang on to your skyscrapers, Whitney just landed in NYC!
  • Is it normal for Whitney to dress kinda like a pirate for her big interview?
  • Again, nobody works where Heidi works. Heidi and her two co-workers (“Wonky Eye” and “Droopy Eye”) are literally sitting around and reading magazines. Work’s tough.
  • Uh, oh. Steve Sanders has a surprise for Heidi. Oh, and by “surprise” I think he means a “Hills Scripted Moment.”
  • What? Did Steve Sanders blow out his perm? Does he wear a wig? I’m confused.
  • Steve Sanders shows Heidi his new place. Steve’s a real hard worker so he deserves a great apartment.
  • Heidi decides to move in with Steve Sanders. No doubt they will spend their nights doing eachothers’ hair. It is at this moment of ridiculousness that I think Whitney is smart for going to NYC. Scratch that. Whitney is brilliant. Yup, I said it.
  • Ok, so it’s 15 minutes into the episode and no Lisa Loveless. I’m saddened. If she’s not in the episode I won’t be watching next season. Fine, I’ll watch, but I’ll be pissed.
  • When Heidi tells Lauren that she’s moving out I think Lauren wishes that The Hills was on HBO and not MTV so she could not only swear at Heidi, but potentially stab her too just like in the Sopranos.
  • Hahaha Whitney is literally getting blown all over the streets of NYC. Brilliant.
  • Why is Whitney yelling into the phone? She’s like an old woman who’s never used a cell phone.
  • Steve Sanders hair is permed again.
  • I’d like to take this moment to applaud the MTV camera crew for a perfect shot of Heidi in the side mirror of the UHaul driving away. Perfect angle, perfect. How many times did you make them back up in the truck so you could get that shot? I say 5.
  • Sweet, Lauren brings home a pizza and some champagne for herself. She’s lonely. She might as well get fat and drunk! Wait, Audrina moved in for Lauren. She’s psyched that she’ll get more TV time next season. Sly move Audrina, sly move.
  • Wait, what happened to Heidi’s newscaster hair? She legit looks like Donna Martin. No joke. Watch for it the next time.

Ok, well that was a let down. There is no cliffhanger. There will be a season 3, so that means that Heidi will move back in with Lauren and Whitney will come back to LA from NYC. Cliffhanger over. No more The Hills write ups for a while now kids. Thanks for all the emails about my ridiculous The Hills recaps and thoughts all season. Here’s to Laguna Beach Season 17!

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