What Snooki Being Pregnant Means for You, Me, Her, and The America

snooki-pregnancy-baby-bump-

It was only a matter of time that our beloved Snooki would be shooting a tiny leopard print baby out of her gentlemen greeter.  Many of you have emailed IBBB to get my take on this momentous occasion.  Here’s what I think Snooki’s pregnancy means for you, me, her and the rest of The America (certain parts of Canada may, of course, look away).

  1. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome becomes all the rage with “the kids” and t-shirts with sayings like “Down Eyes = No Surprise” start flying off the shelves.
  2. Breast feeding whilst Jersey Turnpiking becomes a motherhood best practice.
  3. MADD decides if you drink it through a straw you’re sober enough to drive and, therefore, change their name to “Mothers As Drunk Drivers.”
  4. Onsies just got a whole lot sluttier.
  5. The Red Cross starts setting up tents and passing out blankets and coffee directly outside of Snooki’s vagina.
  6. It’s now all about a watermelon coming out of a pinhole.
  7. When Ronnie throws Sammi’s bed during their next fight expect to see a crib flying by your screen.
  8. Tanning salons nationwide now start offering you goggles and pitocin.
  9. VaDeena automagically goes back to being the thinner meatball.
  10. Huggies abandons all marketing strategies and decides that sh*tting your pants and the bed is now on trend.
  11. The baby is instantly the same height as Jionni.
  12. Snooki’s UTI is now nationally known as having an “Ugly Toddler Incident.”
  13. The terrorist win.
  14. Placenta shots become a thing.
  15. Jealous of all the attention, JWoww flips her “W’s” and now goes by the name “JMomm.”
  16. Susan G Komen re-reconsiders their planned parenthood support.
  17. All of a sudden the fact that the Vlasic Pickles mascot is a stork makes complete sense.
  18. MTV is quickly reediting the opening credits to “I’m going to the Jersey Shore…Memorial Hospital, bitch!”
  19. Stink-eye is seamlessly replaced by pink-eye.
  20. Whitney left just in time.
  21. Pedialyte introduces their new tequila flavor with gummy worm at the bottom of the bottle.
  22. In retrospect, the dude who punched Snooki in the face during Season 1 kinda seems like a pioneer.
  23. Britney Spears finally can breathe a sigh of relief.
  24. Karma starts handing out toothpicks at “da club” so you can now dilate yourself to 6 (at least).
  25. Child Protective Services quickly removes their hiring freeze.
  26. Ripped up vag is the Universe’s rebuttal.

Orange you glad I didn’t say abortion?

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