Jersey Shore Reunion Recap: Every Color in the Box

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It’s time for the Jersey Shore reunion so that can only mean one thing: Editing facial reactions and comments within an inch of its life. The only thing I find more comical than The Hills Edit-o-Matic 3000 is the girl that they pulled out of the dumpster giving homeless men and short-order-cooks $2 dollar sucky sucky and had her host this show. Seriously, my crotch got itchy just looking at her. And, by the way, there’ll only be one Jalesa in my life and that is, of course, the one from A Different World. Know that. Get this.

Everyone looks, oh how shall we say it, different? Shiny. Orange? Freshman 15. Snooki, per usual, has transformed her traditional “freakin’ poof” into more of an old-school Martha Washington ‘do. Sammi has officially gained back the wait that she lost when she was on page 42 in Life & Style Magazine last summer. Vinny has one eye on the camera and the other eye on the ceiling. You can see Pauly D’s teeth from outer space (as you can mine). VaDeena is there. And Grandpa Situation looks like a 2nd grade girl marching up the aisle in her First Holy Communion during the May Procession. Why his hoodie is staple-gunned to his hair is one for the great philosophers…certainly not me. I mean, certainly not I.

Snooki immediately gets asked up into the hot seat next to the call-girl with a mic and is forced to answer boring questions about her undying love for Vinny. Ernie, the girl formally known as Sammi, chimes in to say that she thinks that Vinny lead her on. Oh, I’m sorry AnnaMae, why don’t you keep your nose out of Snooki’s business and focus on Ike down there in the first row. Seriously, why are they in stadium seating?

Speaking of the set, it is all decked out with trucker hats, underwear nailed to the wall, and I’m pretty sure they’re sitting on an almost puffy leather sparkly couch. I’m sure somewhere in West Virginia, Leah and Corey are having multiple orgasms. And was it just me or are we seeing some of these scenes for the first time? I don’t remember Vinny proposing to Pauly D, but maybe it’s because I try to block out 89.4% of what I see after I’m done writing about it. Oh, and there was another funny part where Pauly D was wondering why as soon as Grandpa Sitch gets a girl home he immediately makes her put on boys clothes. Brilliant. I’ll take “Future Diddlers” for $400.

Next up is ShamWow. I have to admit she looks good. She’s getting prettier as the days/weeks/months go on. I mean, she is technically the color “Atomic Tangerine” from Crayola, but you may not know what that means since they officially retired that color in 1990 and renamed it Ultra Yellow. What? Why are you staring at me? What? I happen to know a lot of interesting things about crayons. Jealous? Anybagofknockers, JWoww’s interview was pretty Yawnfest as it was all about her love for Roger and the relationship with Tom, but I did have a bit of a chuckle when Trampy McSlutSkirt asked her why she waited to hook up with Roger when she was still with Tom. JWoww claims it’s because she has morals. I mean, how the audience sign didn’t start flashing “Laughter” is beyond me. Keep in mind 15 seconds before that comment they showed footage of JWoww peeing on VaDeena’s foot and also popping a squat behind a functioning bar. It’s morals and class all wrapped into one. It’s Morclass.

Next on the hot seat are Grandpa Sitch, Pauly D, Vinny, and Vinny’s eye. I was surprised when they all started discussing the difficult situation in Libya and if the US should be providing aid to the rebels. Oh, wait. They didn’t discuss that? Ah yes, they talked about the dogs sh*tting inside Pedophile Manor. We were forced to re-watch scenes of Grandpa being inappropriate with the white fluffy dog and overfeeding them. Sammi must be facing a bout of Tourette’s because she’s chiming in once again and asking Mike how he could let the dogs sh*t all over him and the house and just be ok with that. Excuse me, Pot? Let me quickly introduce you to my friend Kettle. He’s black, but you know that. Seriously, I hope Yolanda asks Sammi why she let Ronnie sh*t all over her on camera too, but alas she doesn’t and we must walk down memory lane and discuss why Sitch was being a Snitch and “putting everyone on blast.” I’m going to Shasta McNast and be right back. Before I go, I also think it’s great how Sammi is seated right under the giant glittery letter R…for “Ronnie” or “Roids.” You pick.

Later VaDeena waddles on up to the stage to relive her greatest falls this season. It was nice to see these clips and see VaDeena watching them while constantly petting her own hair. She’s like My Little VaDeena. Although VaDeena’s “never before seen footage” wouldn’t be complete without us getting to watch her actually vomit into the toilet all whilst Snooki holds her hair, asks her if she ate hot dogs that night, and then waves goodbye to the puke as it gets flushed. You know you’re between a rock and a hard place when you’re trying to justify that it’s better to see VaDeena puke than it is to see Vinny trying to unclog the toilet. I mean, really, it’s like Sophie’s Choice. What? I read books. Actually I think it was a movie. Either way, that. VaDeena concludes her segment by shouting out that she doesn’t lick bums, unprovoked. No really, no one asked her about it and she just screamed it out like that scene with Steve Carrel from the 40 Year Old Virgin screaming “Kelly Clarkson!” whilst he was getting waxed. Sleep tight America!

Final it’s the moment we’ve all be waiting for: Ron and Sam. Will he cold-cock her on national television? Will she “do her?” Will he “get that?” These questions are about to be answered. Spoiler Alert: no, sort of, and kinda. You know things can’t be great between Ike and AnnaMae because they’re sitting on complete opposite ends of the couch.  It must be some kind of  legally binding restraining order. They should have done the interview spooning. That’s just my thought. Here’s what pissed me off. They show scenes from the season of them fighting and Ronnie destroying all of Sammi’s stuff. I’m talking body slamming her Yaffa Blocks. And, there is no mention of him being abusive in any way. Nice message to send to “the kids.” Trash box. The only moment of semi-sanity is how they’ve both decided that they were in a toxic relationship and, therefore, are no loner together. Sammi says they can’t mix. They’re like two crayons melting in the hot summer sun. One is Burnt Sienna and the other one is Raspberry Roid Rage. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, but I’m almost certain I’ve made multiple crayon references in this recap so it might be time to hang it up. One more. Brick Red.

Oh, and we can add another Sam/Ron saying to the mix. Today’s new saying is “You dogged me.” You should say it like this, “You dawgd ME” and make sure the ME goes up an octave if at all possible. Here’s the thing with the whole Arvin with an M deal. Duuuude Sammi was 21 when she kissed him. Who gives two F’s? Ronnie is trying to make it seem like she really tried to pull the wool over his eyes. Uh, unless you have access to a time machine and plan on living back in 2008, time to move on. Get that. It is also shocking how orange Sam really is. I know I’ve referenced it many times, but I still can’t get my mind around it. It’s bad. Really bad. Like, if that happened to me I would go home and start scrubbing it off. If that didn’t work I’d take a gasoline bath, light a cigarette, and just let the chips fall where they may.

In the end we all get to watch a compilation of spray tanning scenes. VaDeena OD’d on tanning and ended up many different shades of tan. Horrific. Then an actual discussion takes place in regards to tanning insults and tanning addiction. Literally, I’m dumber for watching this and, well, you’re dumber for reading this. The good news is that it’s fun being dumb. Brains are for losers.

Ah Jersey Shore, how I shall miss you.  I know, however, that it’s time for both of us to take a much needed break.  I look forward to you entering my life again when you head off to Italy to give other countries yet another reason to hate “the America.”  For now my life will consist of Housewives franchises and the like.  I may need to toss a new show into the mix.  And the first person to suggest Sister Wives or Bad Girls Club gets the electric chair.

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