Jersey Shore Recap: The Episode Where Snooki’s Face Turns Into Mary Jo Buttafuoco

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Oh MTV you are so tricky by airing a new crapisode of Jersey Shore on New Years Eve.  Did you think I wouldn’t stop what I was doing to put on Jersey Shore and then increase my alcohol intake by upwards of 93.5%?  Well, lucky for you I’m a drunk who has determination and even in the New Years Eve stupor I was in, I managed to catch the latest episode and, quite possibly, did so out of one eye.  Although, I must admit, seeing “double Snooki’s” is the best way to view the entire series.  Anypuff, here’s what went down on the aftermath of the Snooki punch.  And cue the bullet points:

  • This crapisode picks right up where we left off two weeks ago, with Snooki laying on the floor of the bar with her Ed Hardy trucker hat directly beside her after she got punched in the mouth by, who I can only assume is, the kid who played DJ on “Roseanne.”  I must admit it was nice seeing everyone go after the guy who punched Snooki (Brad Ferro), but I began to scratch my chin when it looked like a rabid skunk was also throwing punches.  It wasn’t.  It was JWoww ShamWow.  I found myself yelling at the TV, “Someone Snooki punch that skunk off of JWoww’s head!”  I hate when the TV doesn’t yell back.
  • The good news?  You apparently can’t punch the tan off of someones face.  The bad news?  Snooki is hurt.  She’s bleeding from the mouth and freaking the F out.  Of course she should be freaking out, but I’m a little surprised that isn’t her reaction every time she gets ready for a night out at “da club” and takes a glance in the mirror.  I jest.  I love me some Snookisauras Rex!
  • Snooki started screaming, “Please don’t tell me I’m missing teeth” I immediately began the sketches for the t-shirts.  Sadly, if Snooki had just simply lowered her head down a few degrees south her “freakin’ poof” would have not only protected her face, but it would have shattered Brad Ferro’s hand.  Next time she’ll know.
  • Meanwhile as the rest of the D-Bag Brigade is being questioned by the police, Grandpa Situation is trying is hardest to bring home this random chick on the street who looks like the picture definition of “Cougar Syphilis.”  The “girl” isn’t sure if she should go home with him because if she gets locked out of her apartment she’ll have to sleep in her car.  No joke.  And by “apartment” I’m sure she really meant “car” and by “car” I’m sure she really meant “back to the dumpster.”
  • Snooki and JWoww ShamWow head back to Casa de Gold Chains and Snooki heads right to bed.  She needs her beauty rest.  Gulp.  Luckily though Ronnie “No Nickname” crawls into Snooki’s cocoon to tell her that they all love her and would go to jail for her, etc.  I would be more moved by these statements had I not been distracted by the fact that Snooki sleeps with her Ed Hardy trucker hat next to her on her pillow like it’s her stuffed animal.  I always assumed it was stored in a bullet proof glass case that can only be opened by an eye scan and then secret password (password: bronzer).
  • And Enter Ronnie’s Mom:  Seriously, when Ronnie’s mom entered the scene the next day I could have sworn that I smelled Newport Menthol’s and heard someone yelling out “B5?  B5?  We have a Bingo in the hall, a Bingo in the hall!”  Sammi SweatStains is taking extra time to get ready so that Ronnie’s mom think she looks “pretty and stuff.”  Meanwhile Ronnie’s mom is all pissed off because it’s taking so long and she is missing out on “getting her tan on.”  Really?  I’m pretty sure if you stayed out of the sun until next New Years you’d still be as crispy as an oiled leather catchers mitt that’s been left on top of the dugout in the middle of July.
  • Holy Snook!  Poor Snooki.  Her face is so jacked up and swollen that I had just assumed it was Mary Jo Buttafuoco walking around the kitchen with a tan.  Sadly, it wasn’t Mary Jo.  It was Snooki.  And she’s swollen.  The plus side, however, is that her poof is still centered perfectly on top of her head.  You may be able to knock down her spirit, but you can never (I repeat, NEVER) knock down her freakin’ poof.  Someone cut that thing off and place it in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC.
  • Later JWOWW ShamWow gets all dolled up to take Snooki out for a drink.  Snooki couldn’t take the shot because her mouth isn’t working anymore and JWOWW looks like karma sexually violated her and left her for dead on the side of a Mexican highway during rush hour only to be picked up by  a pack of wolves, re-raped, skinned alive, and then some homeless dudes took her skin, made a coat out of it, and then took a shit down her throat.  So, yeah, she wasn’t looking too good.
  • Snooki, who apparently has the duck phone down to a near science, is calling an automated recording that lets her know the douche who punched her in the lips is out of jail.  It’s basically like MoviePhone, but for white trash girl beaters.  If. You. Know. The. Name. Of. The. Douche. Who. Hit. You. Press 1.  For. A. List. Of. Douches. Who. Were. Just. Released. And. May. Be. Available. To. Hit You. Tonight. Press 2.  Para. Espanol. Numero Tres.
  • Being the best Guidette’s they can be, Sammi SweatStains and JWoww ShamWow give Snooki about 3 seconds to digest the information that her attacker is out of the clink before they ask her if she wants to go tanning and then talk about Sammi “doing sex” to Ronnie.  So basically not only was Snooki attacked, but my eyes and ears have been assaulted as well.  And I’m pressing charges.
  • So can someone get me a “Pauly D Lingo Decoder” because I have no clue what the hell he is ever talking about.  He’s on the phone with “da club” and I think he wants to DJ there for a night.  He says, “I see his spot has some potential and I throw down some sick mix and that’ll bring people to the spot.”  Sooooooo……he wants to DJ there or he’s just leaving a message on the voicemail of the last chick he banged to let her know to get tested?  It’s hard to tell.  Anyone?  Anyone?  I’m going with the later.
  • Did Vinny always have a wonky eye or did he just get that?  Side effects of Pink Eye from episode one?
  • Grandpa Situation decides to cook up an unworthy feast of lobster and steaks.  The lobsters are alive before they are killed (which Snooki doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of.  P.S –>  Snooki is a Vet Tech so, well, you all do what you need to do with that piece of information), but I’m surprised they ever make it into the pot because the lobsters can, literally, just clamp onto any of the dozens of gold and silver chains hanging off the necks of any of the guys.  Regardless, Snooki attempts to eat dinner but is “disabled” and can’t really eat which, honestly, won’t be the worst thing for a day or two.  What?  Just sayin’.  I love Snooki.  Anyway, her mouth won’t work so trying to tackle corn on the cob probably wasn’t the smartest idea.  Sidenote, once again ShamWow looks like she’s in a meth daze again.
  • Ahoy Guido’s!  The “next day” the gang heads out to F Cove on the SS Fuggetaboutit (literally) for a day of sizzling in the sun.  Everyone is “beating the beats” and even JWoww ShamWow is getting into the festivities by swimming over to another boat of old fat men and gets pulled into their boat like she’s she’s a shark carcass.  Seriously it’s like they’re fishing for JWowws.  It’s like that moment when you think you caught a fish and start to reel it in and then quickly discovered you only caught an old leather boot.  So, yeah, that’s basically what happened.
  • However, the fun ends when Ronnie wants to go home and decides to just body slam Snooki into the water.  No joke, this show should just be called, “Snooki Just Gets the Piss Kicked Out of Her.”
  • You know what I’ve realized?  I just like watching people drink and fight each other on television.  A few nights later we get the privilege of not only seeing JWoww ShamWow put on every piece of bedazzled denim that has been made, but we also get to see her throw a drink in a girls face and then fight her for calling Snooki fat.  Seriously if it wasn’t for JWoww, this would have been the third time in one episode where we see Snooki get attacked.
  • In the end, DJ Pauly/Ellen Travolta gets to DJ at “da club” while the gang does dance moves that I feel should require, by law, resuscitating equipment and a seizure warning, while Grandpa Situation gets stood up for his lunch and dinner date, and Vinny lands himself a trailer park cougar who just happens to be the boss’ girlfriend.  Vinny gets worried once he figures this out and is afraid he’ll get fired from his job…which, just as a friendly reminder, is basically at a t-shirt stand on the Jersey Shore boardwalk.  Seriously, kills yourselves and me all at the same time.

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