Jersey Shore Recap: Taking a Pregnancy Test Any Other Way Than Drunk Is Just Stupid

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If your blood alcohol level is at “freakin’ poof” then you’re a little less drunk than Snooki is.  Since last week all 60 minutes consisted of Snooki being three sheets to the wind, screaming, crying, fighting her roommates, and showing her Gentlemen Greeter on stage it only makes sense that this week Snooki stops drinking.  I’m kidding.  She woke up and went to the bar by herself where she can wear boots made out of what I can only assume is Colonel Sanders crotch rot and dance all by herself whilst yelling at the patrons who are staring at her because it’s, you know, about 11am.  To sum up, Snooki is basically every girl that I went to college with.  Drink, cry, fight.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

All while this is going on we get reminded that there are other cast-members on this show too.  Enter, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, VaDeena, and Ronnie.  All are hungover and all have to go work at the pointless pizza shop from hell.  To make matters worse, VaDeena is instructed by the creepy owner (who would totally end up being the old man dressed up as the monster at the end of any Scooby Doo episode) to clean the public bathroom because it’s part of her job.  VaDeena makes it seem like she’s above cleaning toilets, but she tends to forget this is only her 2nd season of this show and, plus, in about 2 more years when she’s off television and qualified for nothing this new bullet point on her resume is going to come in quite handy while she interviews at Sizzler.  Oh, and not for nothing but all of a sudden VaDeena is the Queen of England?   Every other episode she’s either trying to get it in from the random waiter, trying to white wash some random chicks vagiolli, or bobbing for balls on her roommates laps…and the toilet is too dirty for her?  You know when she finished cleaning the bathroom the toilet totally sprayed itself with Lysol and took the morning after pill.  Allegedly.  I don’t need the toilet suing me after all.

Meanwhile Snooki is having her 13th nervous breakdown in the past 2 weeks because Jionni has flew the coup.  Also, no one is named that.  Moving on. She ends up calling her dad, drunk, and yelling at him because Jionni left her and then she screams at JWoww ShamWow for not being there for her this morning…so she could have a drinking buddy at 11am.  My favorite part(s) was when Snooki asked Sammi SweatStains how she looked and Sammi told her that her hair looked good and her dress was cute and not to worry about her face.  That’s coming from a chick who’s taken a few fists to the cabeza if ya know what I mean.  If you don’t, I’m referring to Ronnie allegedly beating the face off Sammi, AnnaMae/Ike style.  My other favorite part was when JWoww finally got Jionni on the phone and he said he already left for Florence (Henderson?) so he couldn’t come back to see Snooki and Snooki started yelling that she’s all done and JWoww starts telling Snooki to stop being Sammi and then for the next 5 minutes she just keeps calling her Sam.  Even Sammi is calling her Sam.  Hello Kettle?  You’re black.  Hello Pot?  You’re black too.  I mean, I don’t see color so I’m not sure what the hell the Pot and the Kettle are talking about…or me for that matter.  All I know (alls I knows) is that Jionni told a fib like Cindy Brady and never left for Florence Henderson, so Snooki is off to the train station to meet him and rub her nasty no-no all over his midget-like body.

I’m not quite sure what the hell is going on because even though Jionni is at the train station he keeps telling Snooki that he has to go because his mom changed his train ticket.  Huh?  Uh, change it back?  It’s Italy for Christ sakes, I mean give the cashier a salami and an eyebrow wax and call it even.  Alas, Jionni has to waddle away into the sunset and Snooki is left devastated and collapses on her front steps crying into her hair and purse, both of which are bigger than she.  However, just like the old saying goes a sad Snooki doesn’t stay sad for long.  Sure, that’s not a saying but let’s just pretend it is.  Kinda like we try to all pretend that deep down VaDeena is pretty.

The gang ends up going out to “da club” and convince Snooki to go with them.  They’re good at convincing her.  Also good at convincing Snooki?  Liquor.  Whilst at “da club” Snooki takes her anger out on some poor little boy/girl who tries to dance with her and she ends up choking him/her with one hand and grinding him/her with the other.  She was like a rapist with a tan.   Personally, I think tanned rapist are more trustworthy so I totally get Snooki at this moment.  It can’t be all fun and sexual assault on a minor, however, because VaDeena is feeling a little bit under the weather.  Apparently she’s been feeling dizzy every single day since she’s been in Italy and is very moody so, therefore, she’s pretty sure she’s pregnant.  I’m sorry, you’ve been drinking every single day and getting black out drunk every single night so if you are pregnant that baby is for sure dead and you’ve probably already passed it.  I’m sorry, I had to say it.  I’m pretty sure VaDeena is just dizzy and pissy because her body is suffering from withdrawals during the 10 minutes a day she’s not drinking.

Since JWoww is a good friend with a new face she decides that she will, in fact, leave “da club” with VaDeena so she can go and get her a pregnancy test.  What the hell goes on Italy, I want to know.  They have to knock on some large wooden door with a tiny little hole and some lady opens the little square hole (giggity) and JWoww sticks her ant-like head inside and screams for a pregnancy test.  I mean, what. the. f**k?  And isn’t a normal pregnancy test in Italy just a large pot, a dozen tomatoes, and then they just see what you do with it? If you make sauce, you’re pregnant.  If you store the tomatoes in the pot and then go out, you’re not pregnant.  Eh, maybe that’s how they figure out if there will be six more weeks of winter.  I confuse easily.  Either way, VaDeena is upset because she thinks that if she’s pregnant she will be a disgrace to her family.  Oh come on.  There’s no way this could disgrace her.  I mean, the current season alone will make them disown her.  A pregnancy scare will seem like an “easy day” for her family.  However, in the end VaDeena is not pregnant so she’s free to start getting it in all over again.  Look out good people of Italy because VaDeena is childless and in heat!  Ole!

Later, Snooki ends up talking to Jionni, who is such a big b*tch, and he’s still all upset at her for flashing her beav to the Italian public. Snooki ends up realizing that she doesn’t want to change herself for this Muppet so she says she won’t be talking to him for a few days and then just hangs up the phone.  While she’s still upset over this, she realizes that the only thing that can get her out of this funk is to turn their castle into Karma at the Jersey Shore.  The whole Douche Bag Brigade ends up getting all dressed up in their Jersey best, hairspray the absolute piss out of their hair, spray tan their faces (making sure to forget their necks), putting on horrific sunglasses, practicing their duck-lips poses, and dancing in their living room while Pauly D is on  the 1’s and 2’s.   I have no idea what that last part means, but I think I heard him say it before.  Also, I’m old.   After drinking and dancing for what seems like 25 seconds, everyone is trashed and Grandpa Situation (who’s still trying to be relevant on this show) ends up getting super creepy and tries to molest Snooki and have a gross heart-to-heart talk with her.  He’s trying to convince her that he wants to date her and that he can treat her better than Jionni.  I mean, come on Grandpa Sitch…get on your knees and say it to his face!

After Snooki informs Grandpa Sitch that she only wants to be friends with him, Grandpa ends up telling Sammi and Pauly D that Snooki gave him “the head” whilst she was still dating Jionni.  Sammi ends up calling him out and, God forgive me for saying this but, Sammi is actually 11% likable when she’s not in a fist fight with Ronnie on the regular.  Regardless, this whole Sitch/Snooki storyline is a yawn.  In the end, VaDeena tries to get it in with Pauly D, but he’d rather beat the beat himself and kicks VaDeena out of this bed.  That doesn’t stop Snooki, however, who is cuddling up with Vinny and whispers to him that she wants him to have sex with her.  I imagine sex with Snooki to be very slippery, sticky, and wreaking of pickle juice fried hair.  Will they end up having sex?  Will Snooki get pregnant with lazy-eyed babies?  One may never know.  Oh wait, we’ll know next week.

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