Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki's Crotchless Backflips, a New Form of Interpretive Dance at the Jersey Shore

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  • This week we finally get our answer to last weeks cliffhanger.  Similar to the “Who Shot J.R.” from the 1980’s, we get to learn if Sammi Sweetheart kills Ronnie and JWoww ShamWow for leaving “da club” and possibly having “da sex” with each other.  Spoiler Alert:  A murder does not take place.  Although I am filing charges against MTV for assault and battery on my brain and other mental damage side effects from watching this crap.
  • Sammi SweatStains is visibly upset from what Ronnie did at “da club” and we, as viewers, know this because she is taking out pieces of her fake hair whilst she confronts Ronnie who, for some reason, is in his towel.  Similar to the “Out, Out, Damn Spot” from Macbeth, Sammi is releasing her guilt as pieces of her hair are removed from her over-tanned head.  Damn I’m getting wicked intellectual and sh*t from watching this junk ‘yo!
  • Additional Things That Don’t Make Sense to Me:  Why Sammi and Ronnie are both crying (I’m embarrassed for myself), why Sammi is equating their 3 days of knowing each other to a relationship, and why Ronnie keeps saying “the equation.”  He keeps saying “you in the equation, the equation, you’re in the equation.”  The Equation + The Situation = The Brain Rot.
  • Once again I ask, why is half this show filmed in “Sepia?”  At at moment I’m waiting to see the cast break out into the Charelston.
  • Well it’s time to make another big hot bowl of STD Stew in the hot tub and Grandpa Situation and Pauly D have two skanky ingredients for the recipe.  A blond Jersey chic with an obligatory BumpIt and her equally busted friend are the two ingredients of choice.  They simmer their crusty crotches into the hot tub and wait for it to come to a boil.  Grandpa Situation let’s us know that “They’re gonna have sex and that’s the situation.”  Uh, “the situation” is also something I like to call “a little trip to the free clinic for some special topical creams.”  So, yeah, that’s the situation too.
  • While Pauly D and Grandpa Sitch take “da girls” into “da beds” Pauly D lets us know that his girl is “on her period” so there won’t be any sex for him.  He says it so matter of fact.  It’s like, dude we have ears and we just heard you say that.  No boundaries.  In the end the skanks break free from the “crab farm” and decide to go home.  While the cameras did not show it, it is assumed that Grandpa Situation locked himself in the bathroom and made out with the mirror until he “finished” in Pauly D’s gel bottles.
  • It’s not all bad news though, because true musty love is in the air and JWoww ShamWow talks to her boyfriend over the duck phone while a skunk, apparently, is making sweet love to her hair.  They decide to leave things as “status quo” and her boyfriend promises to not give her crap for having a penis.  Fine, I made that part up, but I’m still convinced.
  • So, is Vinny in this show anymore….or no? 
  • The next day, after work, Sammi Sweetpea and Ronnie “No Nickname” make sweet-sticky-burnt-skin-gel’d-love in the guest room while a camera from the ceiling catches their every move.  Sammi tells us that they had sex and Ronnie tells us “we smooshed.”  Oh yeah, well I puked and poured bleach all over my body, so what’s that called?
  • We get to see the girls go through their full ritual of getting ready for a night out and by “the girls” I am of course referring to “the guys.”  They go tanning, hit the gym, and then end their day by all going to the barber shop and chit-chattin like school girls in 5th period algebra. Not quite sure why sometimes Grandpa Situation speaks like he’s not actually white, sometimes, but that is the case.  Oh, and no white dude should be calling another white dude “son” unless the said person is, in fact, their son.
  • Now I’m not quite sure if this is from the 6-pack I just killed in the first 30 minutes of this show or if my eyes actually saw Snooki doing back-flips at “da club” with her crotch hanging out of her skirt.  Rewind, yup.  Rewind, yup.  Rewind, yup there it is.  Snooki’s snatchy is being blurred out with every back-flip she’s doing on the dance floor and JWow ShamWow says, “It’s the best thing I ever saw in my life.”  Agreed.  If you ever wanted to see a Smurf’s vaginastein upside down under a black-light then this is the scene to tune into.  Now the results haven’t come in yet, but it is quite possible that Snooki is not a full person, but just one giant, tanned, shaved, dancing vagina….with extensions.
  • I have to admit that the dancing portion of any Jersey Shore crapisode is typically my favorite.  JWoww ShamWow dances like a truck-driver in heat and continuously runs towards the person she’s dancing with as if she’s in a race with herself.  However, in this race, folks, we all win.  We all win.  Pauly D is speaking in foreign tongues, I believe, because he is informing us that while dancing they’re “beating up the beat.”  Apparently you start off with fist pumps, then you slap at the floor, then you slowly rise up and punch and kick all at the same time.  Beat up ‘dat beat.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure “the beat” won this time Pauly, I’m pretty sure “the beat” won this time.
  • Grandpa Situation and Pauly D (who’s looking more and more like Charles’ mother from “Charles in Charge” (Ellen Travolta…Google it) decide to take these two girls home for the night. (Click on the link below to read the rest of the Jersey Shore Recap and for a Surprise!)

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  • One girl is kind of cute, while the other one looks like a walking crabs tank.  I’m pretty sure she has cigarette burns all up her arm. Hot.  However, the girls plan for TV stardom is foiled for now as during the walk home the guys see two girls in a Mercedes and invite them back to the Casa de UV Rays instead.
  • But it’s not just the guys who may get unlucky tonight.  You see, Snooki has found herself a man whose name is Russ, but she called Ron instead.  I think Snooki should get some nookie.  I’m seeing a “Snooki for Nookie 2012” campaign in her future.
  • Meanwhile on what apparently has turned into an episode of “Three’s Company” the original busted girls from “da club” show up at the house while the Mercedes girls are already at the house.  Hopefully Mr. Firley will bust in to fix this situation.
  • Seriously, Vinny?  Not on the show anymore or what?
  • So anywax, the guys decide to make a trade on the girls and send away the Mercedes girls since they won’t be giving it up tonight.  Sorry, girls, but we do have some wonderful parting gifts for you like a lifetime supply of embarrassment and lack of pride.  Congratulations!  The other two girls are the worst.  Well, the blond chic is the worst.  Sadly, I laughed when Grandpa Situation called her “the grenade” because that’s exactly what she is and exactly what I hope explodes in my apartment right now so I can just go to bed and pretend this show never happened.  I kid, I kid, I live for this show.  I was born solely for the purpose to watch this show and write about it.  Jesus told me so.
  • While Grandpa Situation tries to put his penis into the walking jizz dumpster, JWoww ShamWow is having a little problem of her own.  No, not her own hair turning on her and trying to strangle her, but her boyfriend is ringing up the duck phone (which Snooki  still can’t seem to get to work right) because he heard that JWoww ShamWow was dancing all night with Pauly D/Ellen Travolta.  Well Snooki must be the voice of reason because JWoww gets Snooki on the duck phone (good luck) with her boyfriend to simply explain that they were all just having a dance battle with each other at “da club.”  Duuuuh!  It was just a dance battle.  Hello? A Dance battle?  Geesh!  It was only a simple little-old dance battle.  No one gets hurt.  Lighten up, JWoww ShamWow’s boyfriend puh-lease!
  • So it’s Snooki’s mom’s birthday so she gets an all expense paid trip to the Jersey Shore!  What a treat!  It is just me or does Snooki’s mom seem to not be listening to a word that Snooki is saying?  She gives one-word answers to her questions and couldn’t seem any less interested in what Snook’s had to say.  Awesome!  I bet it wasn’t even her mom.  The producers probably just found a cougar at “da club” and was like “You’re Snooki’s mom for the next 3 minutes annnnnnnnnnnd action!”
  • It’s time for the Snooki punch that was heard around the world.  MTV may have removed the actual punch, but it’s been burnt into my mind for the past 3 weeks.  The Douche-Bag Brigade heads out to “da club” for some roommate bonding.  Ed Hardy gear is in full effect.  Trucker hats are sparkling.  Tans are kicked up a notch.  All is status quo.  That is, until some college guys show up at “da club” according to Vinny (who apparently still is on the show).  I’m not convinced these guys are in college as it is the Jersey Shore, but maybe they do one of those online college programs.  Either way, they’re there and drinking the drinks of the cast and stealing their shots, etc. 
  • And this is when it happens.  Snooki confronts Brad Ferro (allegedly, although my eyes do see this) for stealing her drinks.  She calls him a bitch, tells him to pay for the drinks, and get his ugly ass out of her face.  And then he winds back and punched Snooki square in the face.  Ouch.  MTV removed that scene, but you can check it out here if you feel the need.
  • This punch caused Snooki to hit the ground and lay in the fetal position while holding her nose and screaming and crying.  Oh, and she wasn’t the only victim.  So was Ed Hardy as her trucker hat lay directly next to her on the floor.  Seriously, I can’t believe that actually happened.  I was pleased, however, that all the guys immediately went after that douche-bag for hitting her and even JWoww ShamWow tucked in her penis and started after him.  Brad Ferro stumbles around the bar for a few seconds during the chaos before the police snatch him up and arrest him.  Seriously dude, who hits a girl EVER…and on television?  Good luck to ever working or dating again!

And this concludes another Jersey Shore recap.  I’m a little traumatized from that punch situation.  I need prayer.  Prayer and Jesus.  Prayer, Jesus, and another beer.  Prayer, Jesus, another beer, and my bed.  Prayer, Jesus, another beer, my bed, and watching that last scene one more time.

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