Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki Licks Pickles While Angelina Breaks Up With Her Married Boyfriend, All Before the BBQ Grill Catches Fire. Yup, Just Another Day at the Jersey Shore.

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Fistpump is the new cowbell and there is plenty-o-fistpump worthy scenes in the latest crapisode of Jersey Shore.  From sucking pickles to same sex douche-bag-stew make out sessions in the frialator/hot-tub, wax off your eyebrows and buckle up because it’s time for another Jersey Shore recap!

  • We pick up the morning after Pauly D and JWoww hooked up at “da club.”  To no surprise, first thing in the morning JWoww looks like she’s been gang-banged and left for dead by the karma monster and her fright-wig has seemed to turn a few additional strands of white.  I don’t even understand her hair.  I mean, is it a combover-mullet or no?  It looks like it’s been completely removed and then placed back on her scalp during a violet Category 5 Hurricane.  Wait, I finally think I know what “JWoww” stands for!  JWoww:  Janky  Wig  OWhitetrash Woman.  JWoww.
  • Pauly D, on the other hand, wakes up without a hair out of place and “Troll Doll fresh” thanks to 4 pounds of gel.  His pillow, however, must have shattered into a million pieces once his head hit it.  Anypoof, Pauly D is kind enough to remind JWoww that she kissed him with her tongue last night at “da club” and, to be honest, she looks relieved that he didn’t say, “You showed me your penis, JWoww.”
  • Meanwhile at the T-Shirt store that looks like it smells like the basement of a church, Sammi Sweetheart and Grandpa Situation are “working” which consists of standing in front of the store and talking about themselves.  While I used to think that Grandpa Situation looked like a Q-Tip, I now realize he looks more like a light bulb.  With all the time he spends at the gym, you would think he’d focus at least one day on working out his legs, which look a lot like Kelly Ripa’s.  Light Bulb Situation in full effect.
  • SnookiTime!  Snooki is looking to get a little greasy Guido loving from someone, anyone in fact. If you put some gold chains and an Ed Hardy T-shirt on a plan, she’d f*ck it.  So she puts on every Guidette prop that she can find: hot pink trucker hat that says “Pornstar in Training,” clear sunglasses, tight black wifebeater that hugs her FUPA in all the right places, and a pickle.  Yes, a pickle.  Snooki  licks and sucks a pickle whilst chatting with her housemates.  She even informs us that she eats a pickle in a “specific way.”  That way, you ask?  Well, she sucks the juice out first and then eats the rest of the pickle.  Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!  Looks like someone can now add an additional bullet point to their resume!!!! 
  • This must be the episode where the producers allow everyone to invite anyone they know to the house.  JWoww ShamWow is waiting in front of the house with her gut hanging over the top of her shorts and her rats nest frolicking in the wind for her boyfriend, Tommy.  Tommy does show up and to my surprise he’s a tall Irish kid with red hair and wearing a suit.  Kidding.  He’s a Guido.  His hair is buzzed as thin as his eyebrows and he’s wearing his standard tribal t-shirt with grey sweatpants and a gold chain.  Do you think when all these Guido’s are in the same room at the same time it’s like trying to get out of the House of Mirrors at the carnival?
  • Meanwhile, Angelina invites her friends, Alana and Elena, to come to the house as well.  This isn’t enough for her, so she calls up her boyfriend to meet her and her friends at “da club” later that night.  Seriously, does everyone live on the same block at the Jersey Shore? 
  • As the Douche-Bag Brigade begins to get ready for a night out, Vinny puts on a tie and the reaction is priceless.  JWoww ShamWow wants to know why he’s getting “so dressed up” for “da club.”  She makes it seem like he’s in a 3 piece suit and on his way to the Academy Awards.  It’s a tie.  It’s purple. It’s sold at “Hot Topic” in the mall.
  • Is it ok to admit that I love when the Guido’s and Guidette’s go to “da club?” It’s great.  I love to watch them dance, as it’s like watching a rabid raccoon with turrets dig through the trash.  Oh, and when they choose a club that has a lot of black-lights?  Brilliant. It’s like just looking at a sea of floating eyes and teeth. Somewhere, puking her lunch out over a toilet, Audrina from The Hills is smiling.
  • Not all happiness can be found at “da club” though.  Angelina’s married boyfriend is there and they basically break up.  One more time.  Angelina’s married boyfriend.  Married boyfriend.  Married.  I mean, if you can’t hit “tilt” on the “Whitetrash-o-Meter” before all this, now you admit and show on national television that you go out with a married dude?  Remember when you had to have some type of talent to be on TV? 
  • The “next day” Angelina is supposed to go to work at the T-Shirt store and decides to just not go.  She actually sees nothing wrong, at all, with just not going and not calling to tell them.  However, she must have remembered the episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy didn’t want to go to school so she pretended she had a cough, because Angelina carted her fat ass to “the office” practicing her cough the whole way and told her boss that she wasn’t feeling good so she wouldn’t be working today.  He’s pissed and Angelina, literally, can’t seem to figure out why.  She claims she didn’t call earlier because she didn’t have the phone number to work.  Seriously.  I hope that whatever job in the future she interviews for, the person interviewing her makes her watch this clip and asks for her reaction.  She’s a complete goon.
  • Danny, the boss, rides what I can only assume is Jack Tripper’s bike to the Jersey Shore house to confront Angelina.  Angelina decides that she’ll only talk to him in the bathroom or she won’t talk to him at all.  Huh?  Danny lets Angelina know she can’t live in the house if she doesn’t work.  He’s telling her this through the bathroom door with the water running.  Even I’m lost at this point.  He leaves and then Angelina exits the bathroom with a black bag and a CVS bag filled with sh*t.  Did she just rob herself?
  • Angelina decides to leave the house/show for good and her roommates couldn’t give less of an F if they tried.  She grabs her garbage bags, loads up the car, and is off.  Odd, I’ve never seen trash take itself out before.
  • Meanwhile, JWoww ShamWow tells her boyfriend over the duck phone that she messed up big time at “da club” but she still loves him.  He, of course, hangs up on him and now JWoww claims she’s going to be the biggest pig she can be as a single girl.  She says, and I quote, “I guess I’m gonna show my true side.  My dirty, filthy, f*ckin’ true side.”  Ugh, someone get the abortion clinic on speed dial.  It’s going to be a messy rest of the season!
  • Oh Snap Alert:  Someone broke out of the trailer park because Snooki’s friend “Ryder” is hanging out with her for the night.  If you ever wanted to know what walking meth looked like, this is it. 
  • Watching Snooki and Ryder try to dance in the bar is a dream come true.  I wasn’t sure if it was technically dancing or if they were just trying to shake the sh*t out form their shorts, but either way it was entertaining to watch.  Even the fat toothless man, who looks like an obese Super Mario, in the background can’t believe what his one good eye is seeing!
  • Snooki brings Ryder back to the house so that everyone can  enjoy the hot tub.  Blah.  That water must be so clumpy from all the oil and gel.  I picture them like seagulls caught in an oil slick during the Exxon Valdez crisis.
  • Snooki decides to make out and kiss all over Ryder whilst in the hot tub.  It’s like watching a mother bird trying to feed her baby bird, if the mother bird was Rhea Perlman and the baby bird was Jodie Sweetin during her meth days.
  • Also while in the hot tub, Snooki has her trucker hat on, Vinny has his sunglasses on, and someone else is wearing gold chains.  Since when do you need to be in full costume to go in the hot tub?
  • Grandpa Situation gets a little play too, as Snooki decides to start kissing him.  As they make out, I’m completely lost on the conversation.  Grandpa Situation tells Snooki she better start washing dishes now and Snooki responds by saying, “F*** you, F*** my F****** A**.” Someone sew that onto a throw pillow.
  • The next day is BBQ day and Grandpa Situation has to help Pauly D light the grill, which they both fail in doing so they just take a torch to it.  No joke, they did.  To no surprise the grill catches on fire and they need to put it out with a fire extinguisher.  Honestly, with all the gel that was just around that grill fire I’m shocked the house didn’t explode and leave all the Guido’s and Guidette’s with their heads on fire, running around like human match sticks.
  • In the end, they hit up “da club” for the 5thtime, and the dancing continues.  Ronnie is having what I can only assume is a seizure on the dance floor.  He’s bopping up and down like “Whack-a-Mole.”  JWoww ShamWow puts on her same old crusty pair of bleached out jeans and a shirt that barely contains her Guidboobs. 
  • One second Sammi Sweetheart and Ronnie are sharing a nice moment of Guido/Guidette love and next thing you know all hell breaks loose when Ronnie “rabies dances” with some girl.  Sweetheart is pissed so she decides to talk to her friend “the cop,” as they call him, and gives him her number.  JWoww ShamWow tells Ronnie what just happened, which I can’t believe she could even see it with the sea of Ed Hardy in “da club” that is pretty blinding. 
  • Ronnie goes home and passes out in his twin-bed.  JWoww leaves too and Sweetheart is told that they went home together.  Ruh-Roh!  Sweetheart peaces out of “da club” to drunken confront Ronnie and JWoww.  Da da duuuuun!

Next week is the episode that everyone has been talking about when Snooki gets punchedat the bar.  Yowza!

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