Jersey Shore Recap: Putting the Hippopotamus to Bed

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  • It’s just another night in South Beach and JWoww ShamWow and Snooki are heading out to celebrate gay pride weekend, but not before ShamWow stands in the mirror pushing her boobs together in hopes that they’ll join forces and, quite possibly, take over the world.  Literally, she keeps pushing them together and saying, “I want them like this” but, like the Berlin Wall, they fall.  I’m sure if she sprayed some of Snooki’s AquaNet on them we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now.
  • After Snooki and Shammy dance it up with a gay couple out at “da club” they come home so that Snooki can call her boyfriend Emilio.  Per usual a fight begins because Snooki lets him know that she made some gay friends tonight.  Emilio loses his sh*t and claims that he’s going to go out and hang out with some lesbians.  Snooki, the teacher of a new generation, informs him that it’s different with gay guys because “they don’t like vagina, they like ****.”  Actually I’m pretty sure one of those guys thought ShamWow had a penis so they may be in more trouble than Snooki is letting on.  She ends up hanging up on him and ShamWow gives Snooki a round of applause.
  • Meanwhile the guys are out at their own “da club” and are rounding up some Miami skanks to come on back to “da house” and partake in a little STD handing-out ceremony.  It’s like picking names out of a hat, you don’t know which one you’re going to get.  Although, like the episode of The Brady Bunch where Peter meets his “twin” at school and ends up having two dates for Halloween show up at his house at the same time, two sets of girls show up at the house to “hang” with Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, and even Vinny.  The only problem is that, according to Grandpa Sitch, one girl brought a hippopotamus and therefore someone needs to put the hippopotamus to bed so the rest of the guys can pair up with their girls and basically get itchy crotches in the next 24 to 48 hours.
  • Side Question: What do you do if you’re the girl who showed up to the house, signed the waiver to be shown on national television, didn’t end up having sex on camera, and was now known as a hippopotamus?  I mean, is that something you put on your resume or no?
  • The next morning the guys usher the girls quickly out of the house and decide to a do a little TL.  No time for the gym, but there’s always time for tanning and laundry.  I’m sure, however, that they at least run in place whilst in the tanning booth or maybe even do squats so I’m certain they’re getting in a little “G” while doing their “TL.”
  • Grandpa situation puts in a request that Angelina Trash Bags helps out around the house and does the dishes because he’s going to be cooking up Sunday dinner which, most likely, will end up all over the kitchen floor similar to the girls from “da club” last night.
  • Snooki ends up asking Angelina to do the dishes, but Angelina is on the phone for the 16th consecutive hour and wants no part of it so Snooki just Smurfs away from the situation (not “the” situation). I actually laughed when Snooki was in her one-on-one interview and said “So Angelina was on the phone again” and then stuck out her tongue and went “blah” all in one breath.  Good old Snook’s, friend ’til the end.
  • Once Grandpa Sitch comes back from getting the groceries and sees that Angelina didn’t clean any of the dishes all guido hell breaks loose.  They end up in a screaming match and Angelina does that “yell clap” that a lot of people on reality shows are doing now when they get into a verbal fight with someone.  You know, they clap their hands whilst they are yelling.  I’m not sure if it’s because they’re trying to drop a beat or if they’re still learning how to sound out words into syllables and the clapping just helps with that.  It’s a real toss up at this point.  All I know is that’s how I’m going to order my coffee tomorrow at Dunkin Donuts.  I want a (clap clap) medium iced (clap) coffee with (clap clap) skim milk (clap) and no (clap) sugar (clap).  And I’ll probably end it with a loud “hello?!”
  • Anyway G. Sitch tells Angelina to hit the treadmill, but then realizes he was wrong for saying that so he changes his mind and tells her to hit the elliptical instead.  I think it’s nice that he’s providing workout tips all whilst fighting.  I’m pretty sure I saw Snooki taking copious notes in the background.
  • Poor Snooki (insert sideways sad face).  ShamWow takes her for a walk to get some fresh air and clear her mind from the breakup with Emilio.  Snooki ends up crying in the middle of the street while JWoww ShamWow just hugged her.  It was nice…for the first 2 seconds.  Then it got awkward and all it looked like was a giant ball of hair and tan was stuck in the middle of the street.  They’re lucky the street sweeper didn’t scoop them up.  See?  There’s always a bright side.
  • Later, after dinner Snooki decides to take all her pictures of Emilio and his drawn in eyebrows and burn them out in the backyard.  She lets us know that all of her roommates are being sympathetic and then she gets all proud of herself for using such a “big word” like sympathetic.  And you know what?  I’m proud of her too.  I’m proud of her too.
  • Vinny spits on one of the picture and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta does a little dance over the burning picture.  Basically this is the same exact way they pick up girls at “da club.”  Like an episode of National Geographics, I’m pretty sure we just witnessed their actual mating ritual.
  • Well it’s finally “note” time!  Snooki and ShamWow secretly hide the note in Sammi SweatStains drawer in hopes that she’ll find it the next morning.  Snooki, Grandpa Situation, and ShamWow head out to the gelato shop for “work” and while they’re gone Sammi finds the typed up note.  I actually thought she was going to lose her sh*t, but she really didn’t.  She went to all the guys and showed them the note and then asked them if they wrote it and if they knew anything about what was in it.  Of course they all say no.  Perhaps no one is aware that a camera crew follows them around and through “the magic of technology” they’re all recorded witnessing what Ronnie did at “da club” and all the rest of his meth’d out shenanigans.
  • Sammi SweatStains ends up showing Ronnie the letter and asking him if any of it is true.  To my surprise, Ronnie doesn’t think the letter is written by Snooki since it had the word “wisely” in it and Ronnie knows that “Snooki doesn’t use that kind of vocabulary.”  Brilliant.  Snooki did set up that trap while typing the note, but her trap was with the word “breasts” instead of “t*ts.”  Chalk up a “W” for Snooki!
  • Ronnie ends up admitting to some of the things that he did like “taking a shot between the waitresses breasts.”  Can that go on a t-shirt, by the way?  Angelina is keeping it cool and pretending that she knows nothing about it.  She’s wearing her sunglasses inside the house as an acting prop and, well, it’s working for her.  Vinny has his sunglasses on inside the house too.  I think it’s great that everyone is like Mr. Magoo inside the house.
  • Meanwhile, JWoww calls the house to see if the note had been found.  Sammi SweatStains answers and this is where JWoww needs to use her fine-tuned acting skills.  She claims she has no idea what Sammi is talking about and didn’t write the note.  Something tells me this performance will land JWoww a walk-on role on an upcoming episode of Law & Order.
  • Once they make it home from “work” they read the letter with Grandpa Situation and all have a laugh over many of the lines of the note.  It actually is pretty funny.  JWoww just keeps telling Sammi that she wasn’t even there the night this stuffed happened and Snooki just keeps rubbing the side of her arm while talking to Sammi.  These are not signs of lying at all.  At. All.
  • In the end, Ronnie and Sammi kind of figure out they’re broken up so, literally, seconds later Ronnie goes and finds his phone-book (no idea) and calls up this girl that MTV has labeled as “Ronnie’s Hometown Honey.”  Sure.  Somehow Sammi hears this and confronts him.  She ends up calling him “bro” and he ends up calling her “bro.”  This is like when Justin Bobby used to call Audrina “dude.”  I miss The Hills.  Almost.  A little.  Not really.  Well, once in a while.  Anyway, Sammi and Ronnie are broken up so they’re now both free to spread STDs to whoever they want.    Join Me on Facebook!

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