Jersey Shore Recap: On a Very Special Episode of Jersey Shore…

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Since the folks over at MTV seem to think we, as viewers, don’t have the ability to retain what we saw during last weeks episode, they decided to start off the latest episode with the last 5 minutes of last weeks episode.  This basically consists of Vinny getting ready to murder-suicide the pants off of Seaside Heights.  Once again Vinny doesn’t think he’ll be able to stay at Pedophile Manor anymore and Yawny keeps on giving him advice like, “Do you just want to drink at the club and take home girls?”  Yeah, because at the end of the day I’m pretty sure nuclear holocaust sounding music and girls with herpes on their face is practically the cure-all for Vinny.

While Vinny is plotting his own death, the rest of the Douche Bag Brigade is still at “da club” making sure their livers don’t have a fighting chance.  Even Grandpa Sitch is getting into the spirit and brings home and actual living breathing girl.  If you recall, this is the same chick from season one that banged him in the hot tub on national television and then fell down a flight of stairs shortly afterward.  Well, if you only scored a combined total of 500 on your SAT’s you really swallow your pride and go home once again with Grandpa Sitch on national television.  The only real problem was that as everyone was walking home it started to downpour.  I truly believe this was God’s way of cleaning these trash bags.  I really, really do. As everyone ran and became soaking wet you could pretty much see orange bronzer and wax running down the gutters of the Boardwalk.  If you look closely you can almost see JWoww in those same gutters eating processed packaged ham and giving a handy to a homeless guy.  Once at home, Sitch and Jionni continue to blur the lines of their interest in each other and Sitch gives him a t-shirt and some clean underwear so he can slip into some dry clothes.  They then begin to cook for each other.  Meanwhile, Sitch’s girl he brought home might as well start going to town on herself in the hot tub because, well, Grandpa looks like he’s found something new, something borrowed, and something that’s about to be blew blue.

The majority of this crapisode deals with Vinny and his “problems.”  Apparently he can’t even get himself out of bed in order to sell t-shirts to poor Italian’s on the beach because of a little something he likes to call “anxiety.”  He ends up going to work and talking to his boss about how he’s been battling depression and anxiety ever since he was a wonky-eyed 16 year old.  Personally, I think he’s fine and he’s just gunning for a Zoloft commercial, but that’s just me.  I also think he’s bumming because of his horrific-terrible haircut.  But the nice part was that all the roommates were incredibly nice and sympathetic to Vinny…probably because they feared for their own tanned lives.  Speaking of which, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has been burnt to a crisp due to too much tanning.  He’s a nice mix of dark brown and fire engine red on his cheeks.  He kinda looks like the Campbell Soup kid, you know, if they had “an ethnic” on the can for a change.  Regardless, since Vinny doesn’t want to drink or go to “da club” the guys decide the next best thing they can all do together to make Vinny feel better is…you guessed it…take him to get a mani/pedi.  This is when I officially threw my sandwich directly into the trash.  Seriously, disgusting.  I mean, if they really wanted him to feel better they should have taken him to an ophthalmologist to get that wondering eye set back on the straight and narrow.  I know a West Virginian geneticist he can see, y’all!

Later “that night” Vinny musters up enough energy to make it out to “da club” with the rest of the goons.  Everyone (except Vinny) is so excited.  VaDeena is finally able to Jersey Turnpike in a tight skirt that allows her stomach to delicately hang over her vaginastein.  But no one is having more fun than Snooki.  She’s falling and spitting and spewing all the  live-long-day.  At one point she just tells Jionni that she wants to make him chicken cutlets and then in the next breath she tells him she hates him.  Sounds like someone has been practicing their future vows!!  More importantly, I’m pretty sure if Snooki and Jionni were back to back, she’d be taller.  He should walk around in stilts because he looks awkward.  He should also cool it on the waxed eyebrows.  He’s beginning to look puppet-like.

Pauly D/Ellen Travolta ends up bringing home some chick who probably has a penis stuffed down her skirt.  After she signs the waver saying that MTV can show her face and whore-like actions on television, she bangs him.  But the night of “love making” must come to an abrupt end because he’s calling her a cab and she’s getting dressed and stealing his LL Cool J gold and diamond chain that’s on the bedroom floor.  But where is she going to be able to store this chain without him seeing it?  Ah yes.  Her vagina.  Place it up the old gentlemen greeter and just, well, hope for the best.  This chick is bricks and can’t find her shoes anywhere so, like a true gentleman, Pauly D send her off into the cab without any shoes like she’s god-damn Pocahontas. The next day he looks everywhere for that damn chain and can’t seem to find.  Since Snooki is living a future life of crime she suggests that the girl stole it and clearly she was right.  To everyone’s shock, this chick comes back over the next day wearing the chain so she can give it back to him and, in exchange, she wants her shoes back.  Sadly for her, they never find her shoes.  I’m sure if they looked a little harder or checked Sitch’s feet, they’d find them.  I hope this girl gets fired from her job after this and fired from life if that’s possible too.

In the end, everyone goes out to “da club” and leaves Pauly D home to chat with Vinny about not killing himself.  Sadly, Vinny has called his sister to come and pick him up as he is leaving Pedophile Manor once and for all.  He claims he needs to go home to “recover” but something tells me he just wants to make sweet Italian love to his mother.  Poor Pauly D.  The whole time Vinny is packing he looks like he’s actually about to burst into tears.  Maybe it’s because Vinny is leaving or maybe it’s just the pain of his face sun-burn but either way there is raw emotion there.  And raw skin.  He helps Vinny pack up his clothes, that typical white men don’t wear, like Vinny is his husband and he’s heading off to war.  Personally, I blame Snooki for all of this. Once you have sex with her your mind clearly begins to disintegrate and you’re never the same.  The episode ends with a cab coming to pick up Vinny and take him to Staten Island, a place that seems absolutely like a god-damn living nightmare.

God is Love,
Rev Run

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