Jersey Shore Recap: I’m Sorry, Ronnie’s Father, But the Princess is in Another Castle

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Snooki Sexcapades – Finally Snooki has officially “got it in” thanks to Gianni.  Is it not normal that I assume there is bronzer all over the condom?  What?  These are things I think of. It’s fine.  After Gianni is unable to cuddle with Snooki on the sheetless crab infested bed she kicks him out and calls some other dude that she’s interested in to “have a date” later that day at 4:30.  As the old saying goes, “When one vaginastein closes, another one opens.”  Speaking of which, Snooki is also complaining how her vag hurts after she “made sex” last night.  Of course it hurts.  It’s being weighed down by a 16 pound “freakin’ poof.”  I like to pretend even her gentlemen greeter has a little poof too.  Awww, Snooki’s poof-like vag.  How cute.  I want to brush it. Ok I’m done.

Rhymes With Pauly D – Are the rumors true that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is getting his own show because I hope so.  Pauly D is definitely the unsung hero week after week on this show.  In the morning it’s time for work and Pauly D seems like he’s either still drunk or coming off a coke binge  and gets two inches away from a sleeping VaDeena and screams in her ear “Cabs ahhh heeeaaah!” And then I’m pretty sure he spit out a rhyme that went something like, “Come on Deena, get that wiener cleaner!”  T-shirt please.

YMCA! – Like Santa Claus, Ronnie’s dad is coming to town and what a character he is…and I mean that literally.  I’m pretty sure he was the inspiration for Luigi from Super Mario Brothers.  I found myself shouting at my TV, “Mario’ time!”  Not only are the gold chains clutch, but his Mike Brady words of wisdom to Ronnie “where ever you go, there you are” were pure magic.  And, not for nothing, but can he please stop calling Ronnie “bro” all the time? You’re his father, not his gym buddy.  Please stick to the following:  pal, sport, bub, and maybe “son.”  Thank you for your cooperation, now go and rescue princess toadstool!

A Motorcycle Small Enough for VaDeena – While at work, the gang escapes and plays games on the boardwalk to try and win one of those tiny motorcycles that go about 30mph and probably kill kids in the suburbs on the regular.  Grandpa Sitch sucks at the games so he just buys it outright and VaDeena is squealing with delight because it’s just her size.  I’m just hoping that by her sitting on it, it finally cures her chronic cameltoe that she’s been suffering from all season and especially this crapisode.  Meanwhile, the roommates take turns riding this motorcycle on the roof deck of Pedophile Manor and then…well then it’s Vinny’s turn.  He’s never ridden a bike before, clearly, and ends up riding this thing the same way he’s been cruising through this season:  all over the place with his legs daintily flailing to the side and about to crash at a moments notice.

I Love Me Some Stalking Snooki – Snooki calls that dude Nick at 4:30 for her daytime date and he never answers…so she calls him literally 15 times.  I know most people call that a stalker, but I call it persistent.  This is probably because I, too, have stalker tendencies and restraining order issues so I feel for Snooki.  We find out that Nick isn’t answering the phone because apparently Snooki banged his cousin or his cousin’s friend?  I couldn’t keep track.  All I know is that she hooked up with 3 guys that were somehow related to each other.  If they don’t know it now, they’ll certainly know it at their Thanksgiving dinner when they all show up at Nana’s itching their junk.

Enough With the Toilet – Seriously with this?  Why does the clogged toilet have a storyline?  It’s disgusting.  It’s like the toilet is the new Angelina.  And does Vinny wash his hands after he’s done trying to unclog it?  And why do I care?  I guarantee there are countless condoms and balls of Snooki poof stuck down there.

Abusers Call to Say They Miss You – Yawnie ends up calling Sammi SweatStains to let her know that he misses her and he wants to know what’s up with “them.”  This is what abusers do.  When they’re done sending you dozens of roses in every color under the sun, they’re calling you to let you know they miss you.  And, since Sammi has daddy issues and likes a beating she takes his call.  However, she lets Yawnie know that she can just be his friend in the house, but Yawnie says that he doesn’t want to be her friend in the house.  He seems so calm when he says it, but if this was at midnight and he was drunk I’m pretty sure it would have went this way: “B*tch!  I’m gonna kill you!  You better run b*tch!  Where’s my knife, b*tch?!”  And then he would have put all of her belongings into a pile in the middle of the room and then belly-flopped on them.

Commercials – What’s up with all the commercial breaks?  Seriously, there are commercials about every 5 or 6 minutes.  I mean, I’m fine with this as this crapisode is literally putting me to sleep.  Unless someone is throwing haymakers, I’m less than intrigued.

Where Else Can Snooki and VaDenna Stick Those Marshmallows? – The Answer is:  Up Ronnie’s bleeding anus.

A Prank That I Don’t Understand – So Snooki and VaDeena are looking to go to a bar and need to call a cab, but Grandpa Sitch is on the phone…so he decides to prank them by calling a cab for them, but instead of having the cab drop them off at the local bar he’s instructed the cab driver to take them to Times Square.  I’m sorry, what?  I can’t follow this.  Aren’t they going to notice that their 10 minute cab ride is actually taking 1 hr and 45 minutes?  No?  So after about 45 minutes in the cab, Snooklock Holmes and VaDeena Twatson start to figure out something isn’t right in the cab and that it’s taking too long to get to “da club.”  Oh, and the New York City skyline is starting to throw them off too.  VaDeena starts screaming, “Can we make you turn around?  Can we??”  Seriously, OF COURSE you can tell the cab driver to take you back.  If they don’t you’re technically classified as “kidnapped.”

The Sitch Gets The Ditch – See what I did there?  The guys are all going out for dinner and are waiting for Grandpa Sitch who is taking his sweet time whilst getting ready.  He just keeps yelling “5 minutes” but we all know it’s going to take at least 10 to gel and re-shave lines into his head.  What’s with those lines, by the way?  What are they supposed to be?  I assumed he carved the same route that Lewis and Clarke took, but I could be wrong.  I mean, it could be exact route in the Oregon Trail.  I hope he doesn’t forget to caulk is wagon before trying to cross the river.  Anygel, the guys end up leaving Grandpa Sitch behind because he took too long.  Ruh-roh, this can’t be good.  And is it just me or does Grandpa Situation always seem exhausted this season?  Was he already starting to practice/film for Dancing With the Stars at this point or is it just the alleged coke?   Someone research this for me.  And why are they going the route of “The Hills” where no one talks about anything real that’s going on in their lives?  Personally, I’d be more interested in hearing about what everyone else thinks of all the money Mike is making or the fact that he was about to do DWTS, etc.  If only The Hills did this they probably would have still been on today.  Enough with the half-scripted storylines!

Sitch’s Last Supper – Poor Gradpa Sitch.  Because the guys left him for dinner, he ends up going out and buying about 7 different dinners, brings it back to Pedophile Manor and eats all buy himself.  He’s even pretending to have conversations with everyone as if they were there.  My personal favorite was, “No Vinny, you can’t have my ravioli because you have pink-eye.”  I also enjoyed the fact that he was drinking out of a pitcher.  These are all things I liked.  I also like the color blue, Moscow Mule’s, iced coffee, and driving with the windows down on the first nice day of the year.  Oh, are we not sharing this type of information?   Moving on.

Sammi’s Family is Camera Ready – Sammi is ready to head back to the Jersey Shore, but not before getting some words of wisdom from her mom and sister who are more than camera ready.  It looks like it’s about 2 in the afternoon and Sammi’s sister looks like she’s ready to head to “da club” and she’s even sporting half her hair down her shoulder like Kyle from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Her mom says that she’ll be thinking of her every step of the way.  Huh?  She knows she’s just going to finish filming a faux-reality show and not off to fight the war in Afghanistan, right?

Does VaDeena Know Being a “Meatball” Isn’t Cool? – VaDeena is always calling her and Snooki “meatballs” like it’s the coolest thing ever.  I think she thinks she’s in on the joke, but she’s not totally in on the joke.  It’s kind of like Snooki calling all other girls “grenades” when, in fact…

Hey This is Ronnie from Jersey Shore and I’m All About Keeping It Real – That is all.

In the end – In the end Snooki and VaDeena come back to the house, a little drunk, and try to pretend to Gradpa Sitch that they had a blast and the joke was really on him.  Fail.  VaDeena could have been a little more believable if she wasn’t trying to pretend she had so much fun all whilst doing her nervous habit, “picking the cameltoe out of her jean shorts.”  Red flag right there.  Finally, when all the troops are making drinks and hanging out in the kitchen Sammi walks in the house to surprise everyone.  Ronnie looks like he’s about to rage and is trying to figure out what he can break.  My guess is the door because within seconds he heads out to the deck and slams the door behind him.  If there’s a way that Sammi could bring back, “I’ve always had balls, honey” that would be key right now.  I must admit I’m kind of glad that Sammi is back as the past few weeks have been a bit boring and at least we can count on Yawnie and Yawnie for some destructive drunken fights.  Ole!

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