Jersey Shore Recap: Grenades and Landmines and 1920’s Pilgrims, Oh My!

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Did you know that the national unemployment rate is at 9.6%?  Who gives two filthy sh*ts because like the cutest little outbreak of “the herpes” Jersey Shore is back!  After almost one full year I can finally exhale.  There’s a Whitney Houston joke in there somewhere, but I can’t think of it now because my TIVO has the biggest woodie over Snooki being back on TV and you wanna know something?  I do too.  I do too.  So let’s catch up with all our favorite crapmates and see just what went down (besides JWoww at “da club”) last night on the season premiere of Jersey Shore:

  • Buckle up kids because we’re about to hear “I’m in Miami, b*tch” about every 11 minutes for the next 60 minutes.  It’s basically like “weather on the 1’s.”
  • They didn’t even bother updating the opening credits from last year.  Brilliant.  Like the old saying goes, “If JWoww’s extensions aren’t broken, don’t fix it.”  At least I think that was the old saying.  I just checked.  It was.
  • The whole D-Bag Brigade is getting out of the snowy east coast weather and are heading to Miami (b*tch!).  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta hates this weather because you can’t tan in it, you can’t creep in it, and girls stay in their houses in this weather.  First off, I don’t believe for one second that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta tanned in natural sunlight a day in his life.  Second off,  if the homeless can creep in the snow/rain, so can you and so should you.  Third,  I’m sure “breaking and entering” will be in Pauly D’s future after this show goes off the air so he should practice finding girls hidden in their homes starting now.  It’ll be like the “Goonie’s” Nintendo game where you have to find the kidnapped girls.  Sidenote, I use to love using the fist to punch that dude in the dojo until he would say, “Ouch, what do you do?”  Memories.
  • We get to meet Snooki’s new boyfriend who may or may not actually be shorter than Snooki.  She’s cooking meatballs for him at her parents house because we certainly needed to hit as many stereotypes as we could in the first five minutes.  Snooki’s boyfriend literally kisses her boobs in her parents kitchen and then spray-tans her face for her in her bedroom.  Couples who eat meatballs and spray-tan together stay together.  At least that’s what I heard.
  • You may be wondering why Snooki is forced to spray-tan.  Well apparently because President Obama put a tax on tanning she can’t afford it.  Yes, the 10% tax is tough to pay for when you’re making $45,000 an episode.  That’s almost Montag money, by the way.
  • Snooki takes about 15 minutes just to get into her into her SUV because her luggage is bigger than her.  Once sitting in the drivers seat she needs to move the seat almost all the way up to the steering wheel just so she can reach the pedals and see out the window.  Similarly, this is what I imaged Rhea Perlman had to do every morning during homeroom.
  • Pauly D picks up Grandpa Situation, who is dressed literally head to toe in as much Ed Hardy his body can handle.  It’s like he’s wearing camouflage and is planning to enter a guido jungle.  Oh wait, he is.  Pauly D makes sure to help Grandpa Sitch with his bags, but he does it as quickly as he can because it’s raining out and the gel can only absorb so much water before his blow-out starts to curl and kink in the wind.  Phew, that was a close one!
  • Aaaaaand, welcome back Angelina.  It’s fitting that her intro scenes include her getting a Brazilian wax on national television because, basically, I feel like someone is pulling the hair off my ding-dong region just watching this show.
  • Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Situation are somewhere in one of the Carolina’s and bought about 2 episodes of pay worth of fireworks.  They set these off while their truck gets stuck in the mud or “stuck in the Angelina” as I like to call it.  Grandpa Sitch makes sure to keep giving it the gas until the truck is basically halfway to China.
  • Meanwhile at some random hick bar in the south, some WT buys Snooki and JWoww ShamWow a couple of shots and tries to fist pump.  Snooki hit the nail on the head when she said, “He basically f*cks his sister for a living.”  I love when Snooki basically writes this for me.  Also, why does ShamWow look like she just got back from Vietnam?  All the fried pickles in the world can’t save these two.  Snooki says that the fried pickles were life changing.  You know what else is life changing?  Reading.
  • So Angelina looks like the town street walking whore as she heads to the airport.  For some reason she’s wearing short-shorts that basically start and stop at the old cooch.  Don’t even bother going through the security line because we can all see that she’s not concealing any weapons.  On the flip side, we also can see that it’s “time of the month” for Angelina.  I’m gross.
  • Angelina screams “goodbye New Jersey” while at the airport.  Um, JFK is in NYC not NJ.  Bricks.  Unless they changed it.  I don’t know.  I’m not good with the map.
  • Angelina makes it to the Miami house and Grandpa Sitch and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is already there.  Angelina’s pink pockets are hanging out the bottom of her cooch shorts.  Her pockets, to no surprise, are empty.  This is probably because she spent every last dime she had on her Sears suitcase.  She wasn’t going to be known as “the girl who moved in with trash bags” this season.  Oh no she won’t.  She’ll be known, instead, as the girl who let her vaginastein hang out of her shorts and wore sunglasses inside the house at all times.  It’s better to be known as that.
  • Like a true lady, Angelina is bunking with Grandpa Situation and Pauly D and she even says that if she hooks up with one of them one night who cares?  She should just wear a “Yes, We’re Open” sign on her crotch for the entire season.
  • Sammi SweatStains finally arrives and had no clue that Angelina would be there.  Like a case of crabs, none of us expect it.  Sammi isn’t in love with Angelina because she talked a lot of crap about her in the past.   I guess Sammi wouldn’t be in love with me either.
  • Ronnie and his chicken legs shows up.  What’s up with him during his one-on-one interviews?  Why is his hair permed during those scenes?  I think Ronnie should watch a season of Real Housewives of New Jersey because he’s about 15 years away from being Teresa’s husband Joe.  See you then!  Fabulous.
  • This Miami house isn’t so bad.  It’s way better than the Jersey Shore house.  I kind of miss that house though.  This one kinda looks like the Golden Girls went on a meth binge and then decorated the piss out of it with stolen items from a TGI Friday’s.
  • JWoww ShamWow and Snooki finally make it to the house!  We know this because JWoww’s boobs enter the house about 15 minutes before the rest of JWoww does.  Both ignore Angelina, similar to the way the rest of America did when she left the show last season after 2 crapisodes.
  • Why is everyone calling Snooki “Nicole?”  Are they trying to class it up this season?  They better not be.
  • Alright so the last 20 minutes of the show is when it started getting good.
  • JWoww ShamWow is hanging up all her clothes when the entire shelf comes off the wall and crashes down on her.  She flinches like she’s about to take a shot to the face and by “shot to the face” I’m pretty sure you know what I mean.  I’m talking about semen on her face.  Was that not clear?  Let’s have some manners, people, and not make me have to actually say it, ok?
  • All the cheap booze got all over Sammi’s 15 sets of white shorts so they are forced to wash them in the sink.  This is where the real brilliance comes in.  Snooki shows us how she only made it up to the 3rd grade when she says, “I feel like a friggin pilgrim from the 20’s, washing clothes right now.”  Yes, Snooki, the pilgrims were from the 20’s.  In fact, America is actually less than 100 years old.  Columbus discovered America around the same time that Henry Ford invented the first car.  Had the pilgrims known that, perhaps they could have shipped their cars over on the Mayflower.  I’m sure had the pilgrims known that America would eventually be infatuated with the Jersey Shore they would have hopped back on their boat and just dealt with their own religious persecution and called it a day.
  • Everyone is getting ready to head out to “da club.”  This time around MTV has placed hidden cameras in the all the mirrors in the house, which I think is great because we definitely need to see JWoww and Snooki doing “duck lips” whilst they push up their boobs.  Seriously, if JWoww pushes her boobs up any higher she’ll be able to rest her chin on them.
  • All the girls are in one cab and Angelina starts up some sh*t by saying that they all “love guys” and she “loved a guy” and that’s why she left and that’s why they hate her.  Um, huh?  They hate you because you talk crap and your “boom boom” hangs out of your shorts and smells like the city dump.  JWoww will have no disrespect and starts screaming at Angelina and tells her that she should know about trash because she’s from Staten Island.   Oh no she didn’t!  Keep in mind the girl that is saying this also wear jeans that have been bedazzled and buys ham on her way home from “da club.”  So yeah, let’s not try to have an argument about who knows more about trash.  It’s like trying to decide which kid in a Third World country is the skinniest.
  • Even Snooki gets involved in the fight by calling Angelina a “whit rat” because she’s too pale.  Angelina fights back by saying that Snooki is “too tanned.”  I mean, is this really happening?  For real?  I’m so glad the Jersey Shore is back.  It’s like my life has been meaningless for the past year.
  • Like every crapisode last season, Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains fight whilst in “da club” and it pisses everyone else off.  They bring their drunken fight into the cab until Ronnie calls her “the C word” and leaves the cab.  I’m assuming the C-word he used was “classy” right?  Calling one of these girls a c*nt is like a compliment.  Calling them classy is the worst thing you can possibly do!  Regardless, Snooki doesn’t know what either of those words mean….or 1/3rd of the words in the dictionary for that matter.
  • The guys (and Angelina) head back into another club and Ronnie is 15 sheets to the wind.  He’s sweating, falling, and having seizures and, well, that’s just his dancing alone.  He’s also making out with all sorts of farm animals.  I mean these chicks are busted.  He’s having a 1995 MTV Spring Break “Three-Way” Kiss with two chicks who look like Russian gymnasts who won the gold and silver.  Terrible.  Although we do learn the difference between what a “grenade” is and what a “landmine” is.  Just so everyone can understand, The Hills was a grenade and The City is the landmine.  Make sense?  Good.
  • Honestly I just caught syphilis watching this scene.
  • In the end Sammi SweatStains lets us all know that she’s still in love with Ronnie.  She then goes to bed with her sunglasses on her head so, yeah, all is right in Miami.

Well folks, that is crapisode one of Jersey Shore season 2.  I think it was entertaining to say the least.  The first 40 minutes were a little tough, but the last 20 minutes made up for it.  I think this is going to be a great season and I look forward to the future episodes where the roommates all take turns just beating the bag out of each other…just like Jesus instructs us to do in the Bible.  Oh, and I’m also looking forward to hearing Sammi say, “I’ve always had balls, honey.”

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