Jersey Shore Recap: Frog Legs and Crows that Quack

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It’s the last crapisode of Jersey Shore.  I’ve gym’d, I’ve tanned, I’ve done laundry (except I didn’t tan or do laundry…and I totally half-assed it at the gym).  Let’s see what went down on the season finale:

  • The gangs heads out to the Florida Everglades to look for some alligators.  They come across a few alligators that are absolutely giving them the side-eye since they’re decked out head to toe in their “freshest” Ed Hardy gear.  I believe Snooki is, in fact, wearing “In Living Color” fly-girl boots.  Perhaps she’ll dance us into commercial break?
  • Later they head out to the local restaurant to eat some frog legs.  Grandpa Sitch is loving the deep-fried frog legs and JWoww is having a real tough time even sitting at the table whilst this is happening.  She has to leave and go to the bathroom because she thinks she’s going to vomit.  This is coming from a girl who comes home after a night at “da club” and eats processed ham out of a package that she buys at Walgreens after hours.  Oh, and I’m sure she’s had more “foreign objects” in and out of her mouth on the regular.  Ole!
  • Diet Secrets Alert:  On the way home they have to pull over so that Grandpappy Sitch can throw-up on the side of the road.  Snooki and Sammi SweatStains look jealous.
  • Vinny’s eyebrows are taking Ramona’s penis out on one last date in Miami before he moves back to the pits of society.  Of course, Sandra Bernhard is running 45 minutes late.  Sometimes it takes extra time to tuck and tape, I guess.
  • Sandra Bernhard pretends she’s sad to say goodbye.  I’m sure they edited out her hugging and kissing all the cameras and boom mics goodbye.  She should have pulled her pants down and started doing the helicopter, you know, just for good measure.
  • Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie are out having a couples dinner where the usual happens in which Sammi starts to act like a crazy person who needs to be medicated and possibly sent to Sally Jesse Raphael Teen Boot Camp.  She’s the worst.  He’s the worst.  I’m the worst.  Next.
  • Everyone heads out to “da club” one last time.  The ritual continues in which they wear sunglasses, dance in a circle, cheers with their drinks every 15 to 20 seconds, and Grandpappy Sitch makes sure to look into the camera every time a hot girl walks by.  He’s so creepy.  Why doesn’t he just look into the camera and say, “Ah cha cha cha cha cha cha cha.”
  • Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is so sad that his chick is gone that he makes out with some random skank (alleged skank).  In return, Grandpa hooked up with two nasty nastersons in the bathroom that originally wanted to lick Vinny’s lazy eye.  I’m technically not 100% sure what happened in this scene as typically when they’re in “da club” I like to look for randoms in the background. It’s like Where’s Waldo for adults.
  • The “next day”  ShamWow is forced to clean the kitchen.  She doesn’t think she should have to clean up after her roommates since she’s not “f’ing” any of them.  That’s a good rule, I guess.  It’s important to have rules in life, especially that one.  Oh, and the food she’s throwing away is literally rotting. She should be licking it like penicillin lollipops.  And why is she’s emptying the food out of all of them?  Gross.  Just douche the refrigerator with gasoline and set that b*tch on fire.
  • Honestly, when did Grandpa Sitch become the Omarosa (Manigult-Stallworth) of this show?  He’s starting Shizzy McShizenhiem with everyone.  He brews up a little trouble between Sam and Snooki over cooking raunchy tacos and then at their “family dinner” he starts trying to hand out awards to those who have done the least.  This, clearly, pisses off Ron and Sam.  By the way, Sam is definitely giving a lot of her trademark “Do I smell sh*t on my upper lip?” facial expressions throughout this episode. Why didn’t anyone give Grandpappy an award for “Puffiest Cheeks” or “Best Southern Accent  for a White Boy?”
  • Also, he needs to cool it with that whole “situation” thing.  Anytime I see him on some talk show or being interviewed, not only is he completely awkward, but he always says the same thing, “I think we have a situation here” and then he looks into the camera and shimmies his eyebrows.  Relax dude, you’re not turning that into the new “Ay Caramba” of our generation.  Doh!
  • Vinny is tanned within an inch of his life.
  • After dinner the whole crew plays a little game of “Most Likely to…” The categories include Most Likely to Get Skin Cancer (in which they all have a nice chuckle over Pauly D nominating himself), and Most Likely to Be a Follower (huh?).  Grandpappy nominates Vinny for that because he feels that Vinny didn’t hang out with him and Pauly D last year and now he does.  Uh, isn’t that just called “being friends?”  From this a fight ensues over, you guessed it, how much does Vinny really GTL and extra emphasis on his new amount of tanning.  You know something?  We’re still at war in Afghanistan.  Discuss that.
  • JWoww ends up telling Grandpappy that he’s the fakest one in the house and then she goes outside to chain-smoke.  She does need to keep up her raspy dumpster blowing voice, after all.
  • Snooki ends up spilling the slightly scripted beans to JWoww that Grandpa Sitch called her fake once she left the room and Pauly D and Vinny both agreed.  Somehow this turns into a complete cluster F and confronts Sitch about this, but won’t say who told her and then he tells Pauly D that he’s starting trouble.  I think.  Maybe.  Who knows.  I can’t even believe I’m writing about this.  It’s like the greasiest game of “telephone” that money can’t buy.  Pauly D ends up screaming at JWoww and Snooki over this and the anger turns him even more orange.  He’s like the Incredible Hulk but, you know, for Troll Dolls.
  • They all end up catching Snooki in a little orange lie and everyone is pissed at her.  Snooki kind of fake cries and then heads into the house to start packing up her stuff, which just consists of her rolling her clothes up in a ball and shoving it into her suitcase.  What does she do with all her ’04 trucker hats?
  • Snooki storms/shuffles out of the house to drunken cry.  Grandpappy goes out to cheer her up and he ends up carrying her back into the house.  He looks like he kind of struggled while lifting.  Always lift from the knees and not your back.
  • Everyone ends up forgiving drunken Snooki and they all go to bed so they can give their bed bugs some new and inventive diseases.
  • The next morning everyone has one last breakfast together and finishes packing (pickles, no joke).
  • Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie are the first to leave (and hopefully never to return again) and Sammi hugs everyone…but JWoww.  Oh snap.  Oh no she didn’t. Oh…who cares.  Sammi is kind of the worst anyway.  Although I will miss watching her lay in bed with her face in the pillow during the majority of the episodes.
  • Before Vinny leaves, they all see a black crow in the “yard” which freaks Snooki out because she thinks it means she’s going to die.  I mean, she also thinks that crows quack, so that’s another story.
  • The rest of the gang leaves and the house breathes a sigh of relief.  Sleep well citizens of Miami, they’re gone.

Well folks.  That’s that.  Another season has come and gone.  We laughed.  We cried.  We itched.  We worried.

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