Jersey Shore Recap: Free Snooki and VaDeena’s Perma-Cameltoe

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  • We pick up from where we left of on Monday’s bonus crapisode of Jersey Shore with JWoww ShamWow and VaDeena freaking out over the fact the Snooki got arrested for being a drunken circus freak on the beach.  They’re acting like she’s on her way to the electric chair.  I mean, she got some hand-cuffs slapped on her for basically trying to feed her boobs sand in public.  Isn’t that really kinda just getting getting a traffic violation?  Maybe my standards have shifted over the years.
  • Meanwhile the one who has it the absolute worst right now and going through hell is the friggin’ duck phone.  That poor son-of-a-b*tch.  ShamWow is abusing the Shasta McNasty out of it every time she slams it down whilst drunkenly fighting with her boyfriend Tom (who sure does sound like a prize).  Seriously if she breaks that phone and needs to replace it I wonder…wait for it…wait for it….I wonder who’s going to pay the bill?  Hey-oh!  Best. Joke. Of. The. Day.
  • After everyone goes to spring Snooki from the slammer-lammer-ding-dong I can immediately notice that she’s still drunk.  That makes sense as not really much time has passed.  What fills me with shock and awe is the fact that in the little time that has passed from the arrest to the pick-up is how JWoww already is wearing a t-shirt that says “Free Snooki” on it?  Perhaps Snoooki got arrested in front of the t-shirt shop and they immediately sent that slogan to the printing press and dropped it off at Pedophile Manor?  Be on the look out for Grandpa Situations future t-shirt “I Just Got Crabs” coming to a Spencer Gifts near you!
  • The voice of reason in all of this Snooki’s dad.  Even though Snooki tries to convince her dad that sitting in the jail cell was a “phenomenon”  her dad tells her the next time she gets arrested he will drive down to the shore and kick her ass.  Good for him.  Although you can tell he didn’t know truly what happened since he told her she should bury her head in the sand in embarrassment.  Little does he know that’s exactly what got her into this mess in the first place.
  • Later at night, Snooki and JWoww have a therapy session on the roof and Snooki reveals that she’s depressed over being single and that she’s addicted to three things:  bronzer, boys, and booze.  She forgot to mention calories, trucker hats, bad taste, and pickles.
  • It’s MVP (D) night and so VaDeena heads out with the boys for night of “sexy-dancing” like Amber from Teen Mom in heat.  During VaDeena’s antics she picks up a dude who looks exactly like Yawnie and has about as much personality as well.  He’s about 2 inches taller than her, which really comes in handy if they were to ride some of the “big kid” rides on the boardwalk and she needed an adult to accompany her.
  • VaDeena brings back Fake Yawnie to Pedophile Manor and all the guys bring him up to the real Yawnie and Yawnie’s bedroom of horror to show him off to them.  Shocker, they’re both in bed and don’t want to partake in any of their reindeer games at this point.  The Fake Yawnie accidentally tells the guys how weird it is that he really looks like the real Yawnie especially because his girlfriend happens to be named Sam.  Good thing VaDenna is too low to the ground to even hear any of this conversation.  Minutes later he’s in the hot tub with VaDeena making a traditional douche stew and ends up snuggling in her twin-sized bed, which kind of looks like a king-sized bed when they’re both in it.
  • Since VaDeena is a true lady of leisure she claims she didn’t give him “the golden ticket” and only gave him a sneak peak.  Ironic how she calls it a golden ticket since technically she is an Oompa Loompa.  I’m sure she did let him explore her chocolate factory though. I love when these skanks write the jokes for me.  Speaking of jokes, Sammi SweatStains breaks the news to VaDeena that Fake Yawnie has a girlfriend, but the joke isn’t on VaDeena because she states that she only kissed him, but he (and I quote) “kissed my p*ssy.”  Her parents must be beaming with pride.  And more importantly, does that explain why she’s always picking the cameltoe out of her too-tight jean shorts on the regular?
  • You know what I could kind of care less about?  JWoww breaking up with Tom and starting to hang out with Roger.  Unless her rack is hanging out of the top of her shirt and she’s beating the bag out of one of her roommates…or eating ham drunk….then I’m not interested.
  • Meanwhile, Snooki has a sobering moment of deciding that she doesn’t want to drink anymore.  I have a feeling this has come shortly after the judge told her that she was like Lindsay Lohan.  I mean, Snooki should be honored that someone thinks she has as much talent as Lohan.  Regardless, Snooki claims she’ll give up the sauce, but both she and ShamWow think that it’s ok if she drinks a glass of Pinot since pregnant women do it.  Yeah, they’re called “bad moms” that’s why they do it.
  • And what’s up with the “flip-cam” scenes.  I’m all for selling out, but this is at a whole new level.  It’s like a commercial within the episode.  Fail.
  • The “next day” Snooki is depressed at work.  She thinks it’s because she’s single, but my guess is that she’s just detoxing.  We’ve all been there, Snooki.  It’s called “Sunday” around my house.
  • In order to cheer her up, JWoww has her “friend” Roger, with whom she probably rubs privates with, bring a friend by the t-shirt store to meet Snooki.  Snooki seems interested even though he’s Irish as she’s willing to try new things.  This is like sky diving for her.  And why are all the guys in tonight’s crapisode under 5 feet tall?  Sure they’re jacked, but there’s less body to have to work out when you’re that short.  It’s like you only have to do a couple or reps using two little hot-chocolate marshmallows stuck to the end of a tooth pick in order to get that big.  Geesh.
  • It’s the night of Snooki’s big double date with her “juice box” and she’s very nervous.  Snooki is so nervous, in fact, that it’s making her have to Shasta McNasty in her pants.  And she tells us.  She even tells us when she “had a baby in the toilet” but something tells me that she means an actual baby.  Like, she gave birth in the toilet like one of those teenage girls who do that kind of thing at their Senior Prom.
  • After her “date” is over Snooki ends up banging the bag out of Nick and all is right with the world.  Why do I have a feeling that whilst she was getting drilled sand was sprinkling out of her “gentlemen greeter” like powdered sugar on a donut?
  • The next morning JWoww wakes up to a call from her boyfriend Tom and they end up breaking up over the phone.  Next thing you know her dad (oh sweet Jesus I forgot someone created her) lets her know that Tom is moving out of her house and leaving her dogs to fend for themselves/die.  You know what that means?  Time for a roadtrip to ShamWow’s!
  • Snooki is kind enough to take the drive with ShamWow to her house, which she ends up being locked out of.  However, she finds an extra set of keys hidden in her grill on the back porch.  Safe.  The robbers will never think to look there!
  • Once inside the house Snooki notices that Tom took her bed.  Her bed?  But where shall she bang?  It’s then that ShamWow starts taking inventory of other things that Tom took as well.  This includes a watch she got for graduating, her hard-drive, her files, and then money from her PayPal (?) account.  Huh?  I’m assuming she’s freaked out the most about her hard-drive because I’m sure it contains thousands of pictures of her rack and “greeter” to be sold to the highest bidder.  Ole!
  • All of this brings JWoww to tears and this got me to thinking, I don’t think I’ve ever seen JWoww cry before.  This makes me uncomfortable, but not so uncomfortable as I have a bed.   So good night.

This crapisode was, overall, a snooze for me.  This is what happens when MTV airs two new episodes in the same week.  Regardless (and irregardless) next week is the episode when Sammi SweatStains punches Yawnie in the face so, well, we have that to look forward to.  Sleep well America, violence will return in 7 days!

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