Jersey Shore Recap: Apparently Santa Claus is Dead. Oh, Spoiler Alert.

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  • We pick up where we left off last week with a nice little slugfest between JWoww ShamWow and Sammi SweatStains.  With all the grease and sweat I’m surprised they could even get any of their punches to connect.  Ronnie lets us know that this fight is like “firecrackers in a dumpster.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  Although in all fairness I’d like to believe that both “girls” are absolute dumpsters.
  • I have to say, this is a pretty good fight and I’m a bit surprised that JWoww sucks at fighting as much as she does.  Sure, Sammi had a couple of lucky shots and, to be honest, it was hard even finding JWoww in the all the chaos since for some inexplicable reason she’s dressed like Pocahontas.
  • Sammi socks her square in the the, well, square face.  Snooki just kind of Smurfs around in the outer circle of the fight and the rest of the gang tries to break it up.  This is kind of like playing “Capture the Flag” but instead of the “flag” they’re trying to capture “dignity” and everyone loses.  Equally.
  • Once the rip Sammi and her turkey sandwich (which is now on the floor) away from ShamWow, JWoww picks up a glass and tries to whip it at her, but she somehow hits the ceiling instead.  JWoww is lucky her boobs are up to her chin or I would have lost all respect for her during this fight.  Even Ronnie gets involved and pushes little petite Vinny out of the way.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has to hold them both back, although you totally know Vinny won’t be going after Ronnie – especially during  his nightly meth binge.  Too dangerous.
  • Next thing you know Ronnie tosses in some insults to Snooki about her ex-boyfriend Emilio and this literally turns Snooki into the Tasmanian Devil.  She charges Ronnie and is spinning and spitting and STDs are flying out all of the kitchen.  Someone better cover that marinara.  Seconds later Ronnie unleashes some more insults, but this time to ShamWow and she picks up a plate and tries to throw it at him but, again, she totally misses and ends up hitting the wall that is 2 inches in front of her face.  Someone needs to take her to a little boxing lesson and a couple of pitching lessons and I think I’m the one who can help her.  Maybe her rack-attack is getting in the way?  Or maybe she’s just such a classy lady that she doesn’t know how to fight.
  • Seriously, with all the swearing they have to “beep” out and all the sub-titles in this episode it’s like I’ve read the equivalent of the Bible.  It always sucks having to read all the sub-titles because you end up missing some important scenes.  What?  Some of the words are big and I have to sound them out.  Don’t judge me.  Fine.  Judge me.
  • The morning after the fight the kitchen is a complete mess.  There are hair extensions and tuna sandwiches on the floor.  There’s fake fingernails all over the place.  There are empty beers bottles scattered around and food left out on the counter, table, and floor.  So basically these are all the ingredients you need on how to make your very own Guido or Guidette at home!  Que suerte!
  • JWoww wakes up and looks like roadkill.  She has to go and work at the horrific gelato shop, but calls in sick instead.  Well, technically she called her boss and told him she wasn’t coming in because her nails broke and she needs to go get them fixed.  I’m pretty sure that’s an excuse that has never been used by human beings…ever…since the beginning of time…and people started working.
  • Sammi, on the other hand, will make it to work because she is high on life right now.  She claims that her fight with JWoww was the “best accomplishment of her life.”  Aim high and aim often, SweatStains!
  • Meanwhile, the guys head out to the beach because their tans have gone from “burnt sienna” to “brick red” and so, clearly they must tan more.  They end up meeting some girls with blurred out faces on the beach and one of the girls has the cutest little case of herpes on her lip that money can buy.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta wants nothing to do with her because of this.  Funny how the location can impact the herpes situation for Pauly D.  On the beach = go away.  In the hot tub = please stay.
  • So where does Angelina’s “boyfriend” work with that suit on?  The answer to that is clearly, “The greeter at the bank.”  Jose stops by the gelato shop to surprise Angelina Trash Bags and give her a Fossil watch three days after meeting her.  Ooo la la, Fossil?  I hope he sprung for the insurance!  Fossil watch today and perhaps Z Cavaricci jeans tomorrow!  Sky is the limit!
  • So Sammi is, like, a complete idiot, right?  She’s now having “date night” with Ronnie even after she knows he treated her like diggity-dung on national television.  She’s totally “that girl” whose boyfriend will punch her in the eye and she’ll immediately say “I’m sorry.”  What a shame.  They both deserve each other.  Oh, and can everyone please stop saying “smoosh?”  Smoosh sounds like something the Smurfs do.  Have a little class.  People bang.
  • Are we all in on the joke with that Fossil watch?  Angelina is as proud as a peacock with that thing like she’s walking around the house sporting a Rolex.  How far she has come from last seasons.  From trash bags to $50.00 or less watches.  That’s royalty status for this crew.
  • The More You Know:  Whilst at the beach, Snooki lets JWoww know that she’s not white.  Nope.  She’s tan.  In fact, on job applications when it asks her ethnicity she checks off “other” and then writes in “tan.”  Seriously, thank God Jersey Shore came along or I fear that Snooki would be in her bed doing one of those scam jobs where they claim they’ll pay you $10,000 for stuffing envelopes from the comfort of your home.
  • Vinny has another great quote of the episode while he’s fighting with Angelina and calls her the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island.  There’s actually two insults in that one.  First, there’s calling her Rob Kardashian and then, second, there’s just adding Staten Island into the sentence.  That’s like killing two guidette birds with one waxy stone.
  • Later, Snooki is sitting on the floor putting on a face full of makeup and Ronnie just stands behind her and continually dry-humps her head, which is very symbolic to what he’s done to her on national television.  Meanwhile, Grandpa Situation (who’s been very quiet this crapisode) is trying to tell us that the whole Ronnie/Sammi situation is like when you were little and you thought that Santa Claus was alive…but then you realize that Santa Claus is dead.  Hmmm.  Interesting.  Didn’t he use a similar analogy a couple of weeks ago but with the Tooth Fairy?  Also, I don’t want Santa to be dead (insert sidewards sad face with one tear).
  • The whole gang heads out to “da club” so they can continue looking like the back of a horse.  I hate these places.  Have I mentioned that?  I want to stay the hell away from any place where you wear your sunglasses inside, they light bottles of Vodka on fire, some people dance on an elevated 2×4 box, and the music sounds like this: hhhm ch ummm ch umm chhh umm chhhh.  However, these goons love it.  It’s like it gives them new life.  Basically, it’s like a Baptism for them.  Hallelujah, hallelujah.
  • Vinny ends up meeting some chick at the club that Angelina thinks is a grenade.  This is coming from a girl who’s sporting a Fossil watch, mind you.  Also, it’s even Snooki’s lucky night because she’s landed herself a man.  Snooki lets us know that they were dancing like Spanish people and that she’s really happy that he’s coming back to the house with her so she can “get it in.”  I mean, cut to the chase Snooki.  What is it that you’re trying to tell us?  I can hardly crack your code.  Are you talking about doing “naughty boom boom with the dingity-doo and the vaggity hoop hoop?”  Unless you specifically spell it out for us no one is going to know what “get it in” is supposed to mean.  Geesh.
  • While back at the house, Snooki’s man (Dennis) decides to cook up some tacos before they hook up. Awesome.  Why not just fart directly into her mouth?  Where’s my Paris Hilton “That’s Hot” button when I need it?!
  • Since Snooki did everything but “get it in” that night, the next night she decides to invite Dennis over again so she can really seal the deal.  Therefore, Snooki and JWoww need to wrap themselves in plastic and clean out the “smoosh” room.  Gross.  Although, I am liking the concept of ShamWow always wearing a plastic bag.  Keeping her a thin sheet away from society is a healthy concept for all of us.
  • Snooki has Dennis bring over a friend for JWoww.  Yeah, he pretty much brings over the brother from “Everybody Loves Raymond.” JWoww wants no part of this so Snooki sends him home so that Snooki can focus on the ultimate task in hand, which is to just “get it in.”  And you know what?  She does.  She gets it in.  So if you ever had a fetish for seeing a Smurf get rammed, well, all your dreams just came true.
  • Between Snooki getting railed and Vinny making out with Angelina in the back of the cab I’m sure to have some pretty horrific dreams tonight.  Thanks MTV!  Join Me on Facebook!

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