What in the holy hell happened last night on Jersey Shore? I felt like I was watching an episode of Girls Gone Wild that would only feature Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito 13 sheets to the wind! It’s like Taxi and Cheers combined, got tanned, got crabs, and then combusted. Had this taken place during the NBC 1985 lineup it would, of course, be Must See TV.
The Douche Bag Brigade is tired of working at the pointless pizza place, so they’re all going on a 1 day trip to a place that I believe is called, “Chode-Hey!” There’s a beautiful beach in Chode-Hey! so everyone feels like they’re going back to the actual Jersey Shore and is packing as many suitcases as Italy will legally allow. JWoww ShamWow is so excited to hit the beach and show everyone her “tits on a stick” new body and to celebrate this unveiling, ShamWow is even rocking some new bangs. It kinda looks like the front part of a Joey Lawrence “bowl cut” circa the Gimme a Break days, but her rack will be the real focus as it should be.
In a continued attempt to F with trash bag, MTV was sure to set up their mode of transportation to Chode-Hey! which was, of course, 2 Fiat’s. For those of you not familiar with the Fiat, it’s a car that’s basically the size of Gary from Teen Mom’s rollerskates. Since there’s too much junk in the trunk already sitting in the car, there is no room for their actual 16 pieces of luggage so they have to strap it to the roof and head off for their 24 hour beach vacation. Ronnie made sure to toss in a joke about the cars and his frustration by saying, “What the Fiat!” Get it? Oh Ronnie, it’s only a matter of time before you flip those cars over on Sammi the next time you’re “doing you.” Know that.
Once the gang finally arrives at their destination the girls and guys split up because they have different interests. The guys want to head out to get a bite to eat and stare creepily at some Italian dude who likes like Grandpa Situation all whilst the girls decide to grease up the beav and head out to the beach so that they can yell brilliant things like, “I’m in Italian water!” Yup, that’s how that works, Sam. I think she took too many “love taps” to the head from Ike. After spending 11 seconds at the beach they decide to go and get some drinks and that is the precise moment that things take a horrible left turn, especially for Snooki and VaDeena. The have some shots and begin to teach the bartender, who for some apparent reason has decided to model is look after 90’s one hit wonder Big Mountain (during the “Baby I love Your Way” phenomenon), exactly what the word “cuca” means. Suddenly Adolph Hitler comes over to sit by them and explain to them that it’s not lady-like to be yelling out things like “vagina” in public. They laugh him off but, I’m sorry, when Adolph Hitler tells you to do something you do it. I mean I’m sure he has no problem making meatballs. Regardless, the “gals” are having a blast in their glass without class (see what I did there?) and are very happy where they are right now. At one point someone shouts out, “I had no idea Italy had a Caribbean island in it!” I think it’s great that this crew is single-handedly giving the al qaeda reasons to regroup.
From this point on, Snooki and VaDeena have a blood alcohol level of “Lohan” and wreak havoc on the innocent people of Italy for the next 20 minutes. Technically I believe it can classified as a terrorist attack. So, of course, raise the terror level to “Orange.” Fitting. Snooki and VaDeena kick off their drunken antics by “drunk shopping” followed by finding a random outdoor “club” during the day that is playing music and is completely empty. That doesn’t stop “team meatball” from dancing up a storm, shaking their rack, and doing various forms of spread-eagle on the regular whilst random one-offs stand by watching in complete and utter horror. Within minutes they’re not even doing dance moves anymore, they’re just made animal faces at each other and suddenly Snooki begins to charge VaDeena from across the dance floor, misses her completely, falls out the door, keeps going, and ends up taking a digger face first/ass up into a legit garden. Let’s just go on the record saying that Snooki having a face full of dirt in her mouth is pretty much the cleanest thing that will be in there for the remainder of the night. This, however, doesn’t slow Snooki down and she gets back up and continues to dance at “da club” with additional dance moves that consist of things like doing “the cat” by laying on the floor with her arms and legs in the air and meowing. Not to be outdone, VaDeena literally dances her underwear off when her bikini bottoms (I finally get that!) quickly fall from her oversized t-shirt that she’s sporting on the dance floor. It was odd that little spray-tanned crabs also fell out from her t-shirt and started doing the running-man right next to her. Now those are some obedient, yet fun, crabs! Party animals, some would say.
The rest of the gang are all at a “nice dinner” and are kind of pissed that Snooki and VaDeena still aren’t there yet, but they’re busy heading home so they can “get pretty” for dinner. Everyone has finished eating and suddenly Snooki and VaDeena show up for dinner, sit down, drop their forks, burp, and inhale their food. All hot. I think it was a little unfair that they didn’t let the crabs order anything, but I guess they were pressed for time. It actually amazes me just exactly how drunk these two really are and how they are still drudging ahead and going to “da club” with everyone else. They are “end of the night drunk” in the cab to the club whereas JWoww thinks they should be acting this way on the way home from “da club.” If you take your eyes off VaDeena for a second and glance over to AnnaMae you can totally see her mouthing the words “I can’t” the whole time VaDeena is slurring her words and slouched down against the door. And how “da club” even let these two in is beyond me.
Whilst at “da club” Snooki and VaDeena continue dancing up a storm, but VaDeena steals the show because she is up on a little stage with a glass wall and “dropping it like it’s hot” as “the kids” say all with her actual vagina hanging out and being pressed up against the glass. Luckily the good people at MTV censored it out by slapping a “Jersey Shore” logo over said gentlemen greeter. For some reason, JWoww is suddenly the voice of reason and morals and is freaking out that VaDeena forgot to wear underwear and is showing everyone her meatball to the patrons. We also learn that, evidently, VaDeena doesn’t wax. I am now envisioning wet crunchy curls down there so I’m going to move right along. Hold up. I’m also picturing a giant flower headband down there too. And a container of parmesan cheese. And her W2.
In order to really spice things up VaDeena and Snooki end up making out for the remainder of the episode. They’re making out at “da club,” they’re making out in “da cab” and they continue to make out back at “da hotel.” But before they even make it into “da cab” VaDeena falls through the velvet ropes at “da club” and Snooki wipes out in the sand that is, for some reason, in the parking lot. Hopefully the dirt from the ground will clean them up a bit. Once back at the house these two little horny meatballs get into bed together and the only account we have of what happened is JWoww claiming she saw knees pointed up under the blankets. I’m surprised she didn’t say she saw all cut up pieces of paper shooting out from under the sheets, because I’m pretty sure they also did scissors.
In the end, Snooki and VaDeena pretend they don’t remember what happened the night before, but they know they at least made out. VaDeena says that usually if she’s blacked out she still remembers sex. Aww that must mean it was special! Snooki ends up calling Jionni to tell him what happened and surprisingly he was ok with it, which I’m sure will change when he actually sees the footage that we sat through for the past 60 minutes. After going back “to work” which consisted of literally hiding in garbage cans (fitting) Snooki and VaDeena decide to drive to the gym (because lesbians love to lift weights) and Snooki ends up, as we know from the 3,000 commercials, slamming her Fiat into a cop car. I’m so glad there was a camera in the car because I love seeing what looked like VaDeena lifting her leg and breaking wind as the accident was happening. Either that or she thought she was going to die and wanted Snooki to give one more lick before she met her maker. Snooki starts freaking out because she’s driving without her license and wants to know if she’s going to get in trouble. I doubt it. I mean, people in other countries love obnoxious Americans who slam into cop cars, especially rich obnoxious Americans who are rich because they’re on a reality show based on them being a complete rust dumpster. VaDeena calls the guys at the house to see if they can bring Snooki her license but in the meantime a cop is now being put on a stretcher with a neck brace. Who knew Italian cops were just like American cops? We are all one. After taking a breathalyzer Snooki starts crying that she doesn’t want to go in back in the police car and yelling “please! please! this sucks!” as she is lead into the police car. Just take her to the Vatican and have a priest bless her vagina. That’s what they do at that Vatican, right? Riiiiggght?
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